Sucky

Hello everyone! I know, it's been a while since my last post. I guess I haven't felt super motivated for much, including blogging. But, hopefully I can get back in the swing.

So, I'm now pretty much recovered from my minor surgery. And, I've started running again. I was getting a little stir crazy the last few weeks, so I'm thrilled to be running again. When I run, I feel like myself. I can think things through, I can zone out, I can sweat, I can burn off aggression/frustration. These are all things I wanted to do when I was laid up, but couldn't.

It's been over two months since my dad passed. Obviously, I'm still pretty early in the grieving process. My siblings and I had a complicated relationship with our dad (he wasn't around much when we were kids). So, I feel like I'm grieving the fact that we didn't really get much time with him. Period. And that, is unfair. It's unfair that he wasn't a great dad (when he should have been) and that once he decided to improve, we only got a few years of that.

I know, the positive people out there will say - "at least he made some improvements." But, come on, if your dad missed your childhood, would you be that pumped about a few years in your adult life? Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm working through that and just letting myself feel whatever I do. Right now, I'm in the "anger" phase, if anyone's tracking.

OK, dating.

Yah, I'm not dating. And here's my current thought on the whole thing. RIP OFF! I commented on a fellow blogger's post today, saying this. I feel a decision has been made for me, without my consent. Someone has decided that I will either be single/childless and/or have to struggle so hard to actually meet "the one" that I'll just give up out of fatigue. I go back to the word I mentioned earlier - UNFAIR.

I think back on all the stuff I've gone through in life WITHOUT that built in support of a boyfriend/husband. And, to top it off, I got to attend my dad's funeral, sitting with my siblings...and their families. For all intents and purposes, I was alone.

There was no husband there, putting his arm around me, hugging me, telling me it'll be alright. Nope. Believe me, that would have been great, both at the funeral and during the days at the hospital.

And if one more person comments on how "strong" I am (not talking to you, bloggers/readers), I'll lose it. If God is trying to make me the strongest person ever, then I'm not ready for whatever else He's throwing my way. I'm not THAT strong...lay off!

It's so frustrating to want something and to put the effort in (going on dates), but see no results. I don't even see it happening any time soon. And, since I do want children, I feel like time is running out.

Now, do I realize how whiny I sound? Yes. In a world where an earthquake/tsunami ROCKED Japan, where there is starvation, children suffering, AIDS, etc. I'm aware. I'm aware that my teeny problem of not wanting to be single isn't the end of the world.

But, in the same breath, how come all of MY friends have husbands/families...and didn't seem to go through 1/4 of the work I do, in terms of number of dates, weirdos, etc.?

These are the things that keep me up at night...crazy though it might be.