How do some of these people find mates?

I was out with a friend and her husband this weekend.  We had a bit of a drive, so there was some good conversation on the way home.  We were talking about this mutual acquaintance and how frustrating/annoying she can be. 

She's a runner, a pretty good one.  But, I don't only know that from local races we've run.  I know that because she constantly brags about herself.  Like, all the time.  "I could have won that race, but I wasn't feeling well."  "I won, but didn't run as fast as I wanted to.  I could have gone faster."  "I won that race and they didn't even give out awards.  Can you believe that?"  She is so fricking competitive.   

OMG.  Yes.  We get it.  You are incredible.  Amazing, really. 

How do I know she says these things?  Well, I don't really socialize with her, at all.  But, I have gone running with her in a group and one-on-one before.  And, when you run with her, you don't talk.  You pretty much just run and listen to her go on and on and on and on and on and on about how great of an athlete she is...or that her kids are the best at this and that.  So, the run can feel incredibly long.  And painful. 

I've distanced myself from her and rarely see her that much, or run with her.  She probably hasn't caught on and would never guess my reasoning. 

Anyway, she's married, with kids.  And honestly, she has to be one of the most insecure people I know.  Anyone who brags about themselves that much, has some insecurity issues.  Big ones. 

So, let's start with my question in the title of this post.  How does someone who is incredibly insecure find a mate?  How is their insecurity attractive?  How does that draw someone in?  And, she masks her insecurity with bragging about herself.  How does THAT draw someone in?  Either way, I honestly don't understand how she (or others like her) is married.  At all.  And, from what I heard, her husband can be a prick, but still.  I don't get it.

And the thing I've always heard about myself?  "You can be intimidating."  "You're confident, which can be intimidating."  "Your height can be intimidating."  (FYI, I'm not an amazon, but I'm tall)  "You have your sh*t together, which can be intimidating."  "You're so independent, which can be intimidating." 

OMG.  So, I'm being penalized for having my sh*t together?  Are you effing kidding me?  I'm a broken record, but I DON'T GET IT. 

I'm so sorry that I come off as confident, not arrogant.  I'm sorry that I'm tall and can't really change that.  I'm so sorry that I am successful at my job and haven't made a train wreck out of my life.  I'm so sorry that I'm independent. 

Are we to believe that if we have low self esteem and feel the need to build ourselves up in front of others, that we'll look attractive to others?  I don't buy it.     

You have GOT to be kidding me...

It's obvious I'm in a crap mood...so I apologize for all the rants.

I am SO TIRED of people doing shitty things and then seemingly being rewarded.  I'm certainly not perfect, but nothing seems to work out for me.  And I have numerous examples of people I know getting rewarded for their immoral behavior.

Exhibit A:  a friend of mine (who I've distanced myself from) has been in an unhappy marriage for a while. She married a guy who didn't want kids, and she thought he'd change his mind.  She wants kids badly.  Well, in my opinion, her husband was honest about that and it's not really his fault.  She shouldn't have expected that he'd change his mind on such a big topic.  But, I realize we all make mistakes or are naive about things.

Anyway, I found out late last year that she sexted a manager from where we work and invited him to her place, where they did the deed.  She doesn't know that I know, which leaves me in a crap position. However, she does know what I went through with my other cheater friend who lied and kept things from me...and how upset that made me.  So, when she continued to play the victim with me, knowing what she'd done, that really pissed me off.  She's not once come forward about what she did.  

Furthermore, it was rumored that she was fooling around with someone affiliated with our company.  I never perpetuated the rumor, but it was widespread.

Whenever she's texted me, I've always replied in a friendly manner, but we haven't had much contact in the last several months.

Let me fast forward to today.

I get an email from a co-worker to a few of us, asking if we should plan a baby shower for her before she moves away.

I should also say that AS I was reading this email (which my friend isn't included on), I got a text from this friend, saying, "Hello...I hope you're doing well...I miss you...would love to get together."

Um, WHAT?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

So, I replied in shock (to the email), saying I didn't know anything.  Then I texted the co-worker and she gave me more information.  She's 27 weeks along...and the father is that guy affiliated with our company. She's moving in with him.

Let me get this straight.  She's unhappy in her marriage.  She cheats on her husband (and I think got away with it).  She has an affair, while married, with a guy tied to our company.  And then she gets pregnant and gets to end up with said guy?  I think they'll get married, once her divorce is final.

Are you kidding me?  I mean, seriously.

So, while I'm not perfect, I've not cheated on anyone, had affairs, or anything even close to that stuff.  And guess what?  I'm not remotely close to being pregnant or moving in with anyone.

I don't understand.  And I'm a believing Christian.  But right now...that faith is dwindling.  For some reason, I'm being punished.

Bad mood continues!  I hate everything.

Another one bites the dust...

Well, another friend is getting a divorce.  This brings the grand total to 2 - in the last year or so.  And I have no clue if the other friend I've had issues with (and no longer speak to) is still pursuing divorce or trying to work it out with her husband.  I posted about this earlier this year.  And I'm still sort of in shock that 5 of my friends are either getting divorced, having troubles, or trying to work things out.  Yikes!

Anyway, this friend, let's call her UF...she confided in my earlier this year that her husband has some serious addiction issues.  While this totally shocked me, it also made sense when I thought about his behavior.  So, she's been pretty up front about their troubles.  She recently moved, due to her job, so we don't chat/get together as often.

She texted me the other night, saying we needed to talk - that things had happened.  I told her she could call any time.  I got an email from her yesterday.  The gist of the email was this - she tried to work things out with her husband...but she met someone earlier this year...tried to resist, but then fell in love with him...told her husband...tried to work things out...he still won't work on his issues...he filed for divorce.  She said she already has several friends not speaking to her because of this...and she was worried about how I would react, but wanted to tell me what was going on.  

That was quite the way to start my day/week.  Wowsa!  This is the third friend of mine who has cheated.  What is going on?  

It might surprise you how I responded to her versus how I handled the situation with this friend.  Basically, I told this friend that I'm here for her - even though I don't approve of what she did.  I told her that none of us know what we would do unless we were in someone else's shoes.  I told her that the difference between her and my friend that is no longer my friend - is that she had the guts to tell me herself (even if it was a few months after the fact).  She didn't exclude me from her life and make assumptions about what I would do.  She didn't let me find out about it from someone else.  And she didn't try to hide it from me by telling people not to tell me.  And she didn't blame me somehow for her own problems. 

My ex-friend still doesn't understand why I'm upset with her.  I'm 100% sure she thinks I'm ONLY upset with her for cheating...when it's so much more than that.  And she also thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for.  Uh uh. 

So, while I'm really sad to hear about the choice she made, I also know the load of crap she's dealt with regarding her husband's stuff.  That does NOT justify cheating.  But, I can see how she may have been at the end of her rope.  Again, doesn't justify it. 

I also offered her some unsolicited advice.  I told her it might be best if she was single for a while - even if this new guy is SO amazing.  Because really, I don't think it makes sense to be in another relationship when you aren't even finished with the one you're in. 
She took my response well and I get the feeling she felt relief that I didn't get mad at her or judge her.  Being a Christian, I find it so hard to deal with these particular situations.  On the one hand, I so strongly disagree with cheating (and have personal experience with it).  On the other hand - ALL of us make mistakes.  And it's really not my place to pass judgement.  If all of us stopped being friends with people when they made mistakes - NO ONE would have friends.  So, I'm hoping I did the right thing.  And I'm hoping that it's obvious how different her scenario and how she handled it with me was versus how my other friend handled hers.

On a side note:  I still don't understand something.  This friend described the new guy as amazing, responsible, sweet, kind, honest...  If this single guy is SO honest, what would possess him to be remotely interested in someone who is currently MARRIED?  I don't get it.  If a married male acquaintance approached me about dating/getting together - I would have ZERO interest.  Ya know why?  Because he's MARRIED.  I don't get it.  Ugh.

All of this to say that I'm still single, but my friend who isn't even divorced yet has already found someone else. 

What is going on?  WHY?  ARGHHH!

Hello again! (Also, marriages are in trouble)

Alright, it's been a few months since I've posted.  I don't really have a great reason for that, other than being busy and not really having anything to post that I felt was blog worthy. 

But, I thought I'd share what seems to be happening to many of my friends right now.  I think I told you all about my friend who cheated on her husband and they are now still figuring out what the frick they're doing...while living separately.  (Honestly?  I don't think it's going to work out.  I think they'll reconcile, have a kid at some point, then ultimately divorce.  Sorry, I'm just pretty sure that's what'll happen.) 

Anyway, in recent months, even more of my friends are going through marital troubles.  I've got a friend who desperately wants children, but married a man who was clear from the get go that he didn't want kids.  It is now a big problem.  No clue what they're going to do about it. 

Another very close friend of mine has reached a bit of a breaking point with her husband's behaviors.  So, they are going to counseling and trying to work it out, but she's definitely said that she'd be fine with divorce if he doesn't shape up.  And trust me, HE is the one at fault in that sitch.  She's been nothing but patient and accepted less than what she deserves from him. 

Yet another friend just informed me that she and her husband are getting a divorce.  It's amicable, so that's good.  But I wasn't too surprised, since she's mentioned that to me in past years.  No cheating, just couldn't seem to make it work.

And last week, a friend of mine broke the news to me that she and her husband are having some pretty serious troubles, mostly with his addiction issues.  Now, it's not as if I thought she and her husband were perfectly happy and everything was rainbows, but the news totally caught me off guard. 

So, after that lengthy convo, it occurred to me that 5 good friends of mine are going through marital troubles.  I have a lot of friends (very lucky), but I feel like 5 is a pretty high number.  YIKES! 

This has caused me to do some (more) thinking about the topic of marriage. 

#1 - Perspective.  I've said it on this blog a million times, but it's true.  I'd say for 3 out of 5 of these marriages, I thought things were pretty solid.  Never perfect, of course, but a solid relationship.  And being a single chick on the outside of that, it's easy to be a little envious.  Now, finding out that things for most of these couples weren't rosy for a while, it makes me wonder if they have ever looked at my life and been envious.  I'd venture to say yes. 

#2 - Can a marriage really last?  I'm a child of divorce, so I know first hand that marriages don't always work out.  But, I guess I'm also a little idealistic and thought that it was possible for a marriage to be solid and last (even through ups and downs). 

#3 - With my friends having so many troubles in their marriages, is it possible for me to even meet/marry someone and be happily married?  Ever? 

#4 - Or, will it bode well for me if I get married later, because I'll have been independent for a while, really know myself, and really know what I want and what I don't? 

Ultimately, the whole thing just makes me sad.  Because, no matter how envious (never in a mean way) I've been of their marriages/life situations, I wouldn't wish the troubles they're having on them.  Ugh.  And, it makes me (in some ways) realize the good things in my life.  I'm not dealing with a ton of conflict or issues in relationships, most of the time.  So, I can go about my day and go out with friends or do whatever. 

Now, of course, I'd rather be happily married with some kids nagging me, but that's not happening.  So, until then, I'm able to have a pretty full life with minimal conflict. 

Seriously?

Well...sometimes, when it rains...it pours.

Within the last two weeks, I've heard of 2 engagements, 1 baby about to be born (who was born today), and a very good friend just announced she's pregnant with baby #3. 

Too.  Much.

Honestly, I'm doing fine.  It's not like I dwell on the whole marriage/baby thing every day.  And I think there were many times in my life when that was a true statement. 

But, when I am bombarded by news about engagements, weddings, and babies...all within a short time?  I sort of lose it. 

Like yesterday.  I found myself crying.  Full on crying at my desk.  And of course the friend who is pregnant with baby #3 is perfect, and somehow sensed that I might take the news hard.  So she was kind enough to send an email to me, saying it's ok if I'm mad at her.  (For the record, I am not mad at her.) 

UGH!  I hate feeling like this.  I hate that seemingly everyone else around me gets to be married (hopefully happily) and have babies.  And for some reason, I've been left behind.  And I know these are my true desires, becuse who cries at an email?  If I was truly thrilled to be single and didn't want babies, her announcement wouldn't have phased me.  I would have congratulated her and went about my day.  (I did congratulate her, by the way...but she knows me too well, and knew I was upset.)

And who wants to be the person that is upset at someone else's good news?  That's just not who I am.  But the thing is, I look at my life, and I just don't think my married friends are like, "Oh, I wish I could do what she's doing."  But, I do look at their lives and wish I could even have a taste of that.  Of course, I know their lives are far from perfect, but still.  They have a partner and they have these great kids who bring them joy (and frustration, I'm sure). 

I just can't figure out why things seem to work out for some people and not for others.  What did I do to not deserve marriage and kids? 

And, while I do feel like I have a very full life, that will never take the place of marriage and kids. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  Hoping today is tear free, but no guarantee on that!

Friendship over...

Hello friends!  I have no right to expect that any of you actually check my blog anymore, since I haven't posted in a long while.  Life has been busy.  Life has been good.  Not sure if those are excuses...but let's go with that. 

So, my last post had to do with a friend of mine who cheated and is potentially going through a divorce. 

Let me catch you up on that sitch:

I finally got in touch with this friend (let's call her WC) - after her avoiding me for weeks.  Prior to making a plan to meet for dinner, there were several text exchanges that were incredibly rude and immature on her part.  We had dinner in late April and she informed me she had feelings for someone else.  Now, to be fair, she had no idea that I knew she'd full on slept with this person.  BUT, she knew most of our other friends knew.  So, I asked if they were "dating," and she said they were.  And then I asked if things were physical.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "No."  So, I sort of repeated that again, giving her another chance, and she still said, "No." 

Not good, folks.  Not good.  It's one thing to keep this from me, but when I ask you flat out and we've been on rocky ground - you should probably tell the truth.  It took all I had not to yell at her.  I sat there and listened, never really came down on her or anything. 

After that, we didn't have much contact.  I made a few attempts to get together with her - and for some reasons, we just couldn't get our schedules together.  Uh huh.  BUT, guess who came to town a few weeks later?  PB.  You remember PB, right?  The guy I met at a race and sort of speed dated for a weekend? 

So, instead of messaging myself or WC's husband that he was in town...he ONLY messaged her.  And they went for a run, dinner, lunch, etc.  She was able to find all sorts of time to spend with him...but couldn't arrange something with one of her best friends.  Hmmm...

And...her husband asked her politely NOT to see PB, because it made him uncomfortable (rightfully so).  She saw nothing wrong with hanging out with a single, attractive guy - when she was supposedly "working" on their marriage.  She even chose hanging out with PB over her husband. 

This also confirms my feelings about PB, that he is gross and looking for action.  He KNEW she was having marital problems and contacted only her, when he's been friendly with her husband in the past as well.  ICK. 

So, WC and I have not really spoken/hung out in months, now.  She's made no effort and I'm at a point where I think she sucks.  I don't think I need to make any sort of effort, because I'm not the one who's done anything wrong.  I recently found out that she thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for and that I'm "making way too much" of this whole thing.  Really?

What am I making too much of?  Let me think...

• She cheated on her husband, a good friend of mine.  (Now, I'm aware that is THEIR issue, so I can't hold a grudge against her for that.  But, I still have some issues with her doing something like that.)
• She mislead me from the very beginning, putting blame on her husband and saying she wasn't in love with him...never was.  All the while, she was having an affair with this guy.
• She stayed in my home while continuing to mislead me about what was going on.
• She lied to my face when asked a direct question about her involvement with this guy. 
• She spent time alone with a guy I dated, whom I specifically told her I had issues with.  (I think this is hugely disrespectful.  I'm not saying she can't be somewhat friendly with him, but given her current situation, she shouldn't hang out with him.  And you'd think, out of respect for her friend, she wouldn't WANT to.) 
• She cut me out throughout this whole thing, when I was nothing but supportive from the get go (obviously I didn't know about the affair at first).  I spent extra time with her, talking things out.  There was no reason for her to think she couldn't talk to me about this.  (And she didn't cut others out.  I know for a fact she was socializing with other mutual friends of ours...but NOT including me.) 

So, if she could narrow it down to WHAT I'm "making too much of," that would be so helpful.

She and I have seen each other through millions of miles (running) and through the deaths of parents.  I guess, when you've been through that, I think you should be able to tell/confess anything to one another.  I'm not sure why she felt like she couldn't tell me.

And if she cared at all about our friendship...even if she doesn't think she needs to apologize, wouldn't you get in touch and find out WHAT is going on?  Wouldn't you want to save the friendship?

I think I'm going to cut my losses here and say good riddance.  It's a shame it had to happen this way, but I'm not going to just let this go.  She needs to be held accountable for her actions - in every way.  I think the way she's treated her still husband throughout this has been awful.  She is not the person I was friends with.  And if this is the "new" version of her...I'm not interested.

So, it's a sad ending, but I have to say - I haven't really missed her.  She has been critical in the past and made rude comments, testing my patience.  The funny thing about this whole thing is how she has always given me relationship/dating advice (unsolicited) - telling me what I should be doing. 

I gotta tell you...I've never been happier being single than watching this whole thing unfold.  Ick.  It's a good reminder that I am strong, independent, and have the self esteem to know what I deserve! 

Dilemma...

I know, long time no post. I'm still single...but life is actually pretty good. This post relates to something else.

A good friend of mine recently revealed to me that her marriage was struggling. I met with her a few times, supported her, and spent time talking about it. I even put her up in my home for a few nights. They made the decision to divorce (I'm friends with both of them), but seemed to go back and forth.

Then this friend would tell me reasons why things weren't going right, things that were going on with her, etc. And nothing seemed to match up for me, but I've never been through what they're going through - so what do I know?

Well, as of today, this friend and I haven't spoken since she stayed at my house...which was about a month ago. I've called a few times and she has not returned those calls. I've met with her husband to talk - as a friend - and feel like I've been in better contact with him.

Anyway, he called me last night asking if I wanted to tickets to something, which I couldn't attend. I asked him if everything was ok with her, since she hasn't returned calls or spoken to me. He confirmed they are getting a divorce and then I could tell something was off.

He got uncomfortable and I could tell he wanted to tell me something. So I told him he didn't have to tell me anything and that I didn't want him uncomfortable, but that I felt like something was up, since she's not speaking to me. He put my mind at ease by confirming that it had nothing to do with me.

And then he let it out... She cheated on him...and the relationship with that person is still ongoing.

He was not spiteful about it, either. It tore him up to reveal that to me, and he only did it because he could tell I was concerned about what the heck was going on. I told him I would never reveal to her that he told me and that she will have to admit that to me herself, if she plans to. He went so far as to defend her. I also think he preferred I hear it from one of them than some random person.

OK, so here's where I have issues. First of all, I'm not a huge fan of cheating, as I have personal experience in my family and really, it's just not good. I'm not trying to be judgmental, either - but I think we all know that cheating (on a person, on a test, in life) is just wrong.

Let's set that aside. My friend has had AMPLE opportunity to come clean about this with me. And she hasn't. And now, if she ever does tell me, it won't help - since I already know. She led me to believe she had had thoughts about other people...but hadn't acted on it. I sat and listened to and supported her - NOT knowing that she had stepped out on the marriage.

Let me be honest, I don't think I would have let her stay in my home - had I known she had done this. In a weird way, I feel like I somehow supported her behavior (unknowingly).

Now, I'm fully aware that my above statements are probably WHY she hasn't come forward and told me about this. I get it. But, it's so much worse now, because she should have been honest from the get go.

And let's just say I can get past this...WHY would I ever want to meet this person she's in a relationship with or socialize with them in ANY way? Ick. My opinion of that individual is pretty low.

I know people aren't perfect...and yes, I do have high expectations of others - why shouldn't we expect the best from people? I can accept she made a mistake...but misleading me about that mistake, using me (in a way), telling me other reasons the marriage is in trouble, but not the BIG reason...is/was wrong of her.

At this point, she will have to initiate contact with me. I don't plan to make any calls/texts to connect with her.

Have any of you ever been in this position? What advice/thoughts do you have? I just feel betrayed and I'm not sure the friendship can survive this.

Phone Etiquette

OK, I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I feel the need to discuss.

Is it just me, or do many married people have horrible phone etiquette? Maybe my old age and many years of single-dom have jaded me, but wow. I'm losing all kinds of patience for how people are on the phone.

For instance, when a married friend calls me. If I'm free at that moment, of course I pick up and chat. The conversation will be going great, no issues. But then, 8 minutes in, this friend's husband (of many years) calls (not for anything urgent/life threatening). She's now got to "cut me short" and take his call. What IS that? Why am I being cut short when she's the one who called me?

The best part? Then the friend calls back, after talking to her husband. (like I'm just sitting around waiting for her call) I'm sorry, but I just think this is plain rude. It's happened with multiple friends, too. I can understand, if we've been on the phone for an hour or whatever, but a few minutes? And I'd also understand if it was a new guy they were dating. But, neither apply to this scenario.

There have been plenty of times when a friend has called me and we've had a good chat. And maybe I'd like to end the call, but don't want to be rude. I don't interrupt them and say I've got to "cut them short" or say, "OK, well, our dinner's ready...so I've got to go." Or, "well my husband's home, gotta go."

I'm sorry, but I just think this is rude. Yes, I said it again. I don't have a built in way to "let someone go" on the phone, nor would I ever do that. You see and talk to your husband EVERY day. You can spare 30 minutes on the phone, or whatever. I can't imagine cutting a friend off when someone else beeps in (unless I was expecting a call or something). That is why they invented call waiting, voicemail, & texting!

Also, if you know you don't have much time to chat. DON'T call someone! I hate when someone calls me and opens with, "I'm almost home, but wanted to call..." Nope, don't bother.

OK, just had to get that off my chest. Now I feel better. Does this happen to any of you? Or am I just plain crazy?

Feeling a bit suffocated...

Is anyone else feeling a bit suffocated?

I would say 99% of my friends are married with children. At this point, 10 of those friends are expecting/just gave birth to their second or third child. Recently, I was invited to a couples shower for a distant college friend whose wife was expecting. I will admit here, that I was a bit relieved to have a conflict and not be able to attend.

It's all a bit too much for me sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. Of course I'm thrilled that my friends have found happiness and are experiencing parenthood. But, I guess I was hoping that I'd get to experience it too...along with them.

It gets a bit tiring when friends complain to me, "Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be...kids will drive you crazy." Oh really? I'm just so sorry for you...

Meanwhile, they've had a constant companion for the last ten years while I've gone on mutliple set-ups that didn't work out.

Again, everyone has the right to complain...I get that. I guess I sometimes feel like I can't handle those specific complaints anymore.

In addition to that, I've had to attend all of these weddings and showers...by myself. I don't mind going somewhere by myself, but when the majority at that event is part of a couple...it's a bit upsetting. I don't think married/coupled people have any clue how hard it is to be a single in those situations. I think they take it for granted that they have a permanent "date" at all times. Maybe I'm wrong.

Those are my ramblings for today...