Hello...long time no blog!

Hello readers...if you're still out there! 

I realize I've not blogged for a few months, but there's not real reason other than there's been nothing to blog about. 

Life, other than being single, is actually pretty good.  I ran another marathon last month.  While it was slow and frustrating, I did manage to finish.  Work has been crazy busy and is just now starting to slow down, which is fine with me...heading into the last quarter.  And a friend and I are planning a mini vaca before the end of the year. 

No dates.  No progress in that department.  I think I'm still on eHarmony, which has been a total waste of time.  I'm planning to cancel soon.  I swear, I could randomly go on there once every 4 days and the SAME guys, all living an average of 400 miles away from me, are on my "match" list.  Stupid.  I have zero plans to start communicating with someone, for the first time, with a goal of potentially dating, who lives THAT FRICKING FAR AWAY.  Ridiculous. 

Match won't STOP sending me email notifications about how "he winked at you!," "he emailed you!," "he made you a favorite!"  Um, really?  OK.  So, Match, you want me to pay you some money so I can view all these potential awesome matches, right?  Um, wrong.  I have not been suckered in by this yet.  Ya know why?  I remember when I first tried Match and did the basic part, prior to having to pay, and it told me I had "sooo many" matches.  So, of course, I paid, hoping that THIS would be the time something might work.  And it was all crazy, scary, unattractive (sorry, but I didn't find them attractive) guys.  Waste of money.

Again, I go back to how much I abhor online dating.  It sucks.  Yes, people meet that way, get married, and live happy lives with each other.  I do believe that.  However, I maintain that it is NOT for me.  It's just so awkward.  And there's no way to validate anything about that person.  At least if a friend sets you up, you can trust that they're not setting you up with a crazy person.  I'm sure I've said this before. 

Anyway, still frustrated (no surprise, there) that I'm still single, despite my very social life and seemingly being a normal person. 

Body Image - it's all perception

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, so I figured I'd ramble to my blog readers about it!

Women are often so hard on themselves, in many areas, but especially their looks, figure, appearance, etc. And I'm no exception.

Growing up, I always felt awkward because I was taller than everyone else (and also weighed more). By the time I was in college (other than a one year weight gain, which I lost), I was pretty comfortable with myself. I still had issues, but wasn't a constant wreck about it. I spent the bulk of my twenties worrying about that 10 pounds, or something about my face, or my figure, etc.

Throughout all of these times, I was active, not overweight, and pretty fit. So, looking back, I want to yell at that girl. I want to say, "You are an idiot! Quit whining about something that doesn't matter!" But, alas, my older self wasn't around to help me out...

By the time I hit 30, I was so much more comfortable with my body, and myself. I mean, seriously. I've often passed that along to my younger friends, letting them know that your 30s can be a great relief, where you just accept your body.

Here are some of the realizations I came to:

* My legs may not be super skinny, but they are strong. They allow me the ability to run long distances, and to run faster.
* My chest might be small, but it enhances my petite upper body. Also, I don't have pesky double D's impeding my running.
* My waist is small, allowing me to wear a small dress size that would NEVER be my actual pant size. EVER. And I never have to do sit-ups!
* My butt is large and in charge, but it also provides strength in my running.
* I'm tall. Get over it. The bonus of my height is that I can gain a few pounds and no one really notices - there's more room for it to hide!

The point is, I figured out how to NOT obsess about my body. And it sort of happened naturally. When I look back and think about the time I wasted worrying about it, it irritates me.

Now, does this mean that I don't still have setbacks? Of course not. Like, right now, I would like to lose maybe 5-10 pounds. I don't NEED to lose them, but I'd LIKE to. And I'd like to lose them from my thigh/butt region, as no other area has put on weight (of course).

Here's the funny thing...I'll be thinking, "ugh, I've got to get with the program...and lose this butt!" Then I'll run into my good friend Lacey, who says, "OMG, you are SO skinny! I can't get over it. Your legs, everything, you are just skinny!"

I always tell her I'd like to have her around at all times. Isn't it funny how her view of me is completely different than mine? Sometimes I see gigantic legs/butt in the mirror, when in reality, they are probably totally normal (and skinny, to my friend). To be clear, they are not skinny, trust me. But, they are likely pretty normal size.

Our minds can distort things to the point that we drive ourselves crazy. I am striving to keep the negative voices out and focus on the positives. I'm healthy, active, and nowhere near obesity.

Here's to all of us loving ourselves and cutting ourselves a break!

Fitness

So, it's now been 10 weeks since my minor surgery, which took me out of running/exercise for 4 weeks. I've been back to exercising for about 5 of the last 6 weeks (since I was given the go ahead).

Overall, the transition back into it was fine. Of course, you have to ease back in and you can't expect to be exactly where you were before. I have a lot of races (all distances) on my calendar in the next few months, so I'm trying to get in shape so I feel like I can truly race them.

Last week, I went for broke and ran 10 miles. It felt great, no issues! That was the farthest I'd run since mid-February. I ran 11 this past weekend, also felt great. Then, I ran a 5K on Sunday, just hoping to run an ok race. I ended up setting a PR for myself. What a pleasant surprise!

For the most part, I feel like I'm "back," and can resume whatever I'd have done before. It's a great feeling, as working out is part of my routine. It keeps me sane...and also keeps me from being the gigantic cow I'd otherwise be (with the food I eat).

The point I'm trying to make is this - fitness is such a gift. I'm not always perfect at it, but it really has been a constant in my life, for the bulk of my life. The fact that I took 4 weeks off, which I would never willingly do, and I'm able to step right back into it, is proof. If you are fit or consistent about working out, your body will repay you with a speedy recovery and easy re-entry.

I'm thankful I have a healthy body that CAN work out, specifically RUN (since I do love it, most days). And I'm thankful my body is letting me get back to it.

Sucky

Hello everyone! I know, it's been a while since my last post. I guess I haven't felt super motivated for much, including blogging. But, hopefully I can get back in the swing.

So, I'm now pretty much recovered from my minor surgery. And, I've started running again. I was getting a little stir crazy the last few weeks, so I'm thrilled to be running again. When I run, I feel like myself. I can think things through, I can zone out, I can sweat, I can burn off aggression/frustration. These are all things I wanted to do when I was laid up, but couldn't.

It's been over two months since my dad passed. Obviously, I'm still pretty early in the grieving process. My siblings and I had a complicated relationship with our dad (he wasn't around much when we were kids). So, I feel like I'm grieving the fact that we didn't really get much time with him. Period. And that, is unfair. It's unfair that he wasn't a great dad (when he should have been) and that once he decided to improve, we only got a few years of that.

I know, the positive people out there will say - "at least he made some improvements." But, come on, if your dad missed your childhood, would you be that pumped about a few years in your adult life? Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm working through that and just letting myself feel whatever I do. Right now, I'm in the "anger" phase, if anyone's tracking.

OK, dating.

Yah, I'm not dating. And here's my current thought on the whole thing. RIP OFF! I commented on a fellow blogger's post today, saying this. I feel a decision has been made for me, without my consent. Someone has decided that I will either be single/childless and/or have to struggle so hard to actually meet "the one" that I'll just give up out of fatigue. I go back to the word I mentioned earlier - UNFAIR.

I think back on all the stuff I've gone through in life WITHOUT that built in support of a boyfriend/husband. And, to top it off, I got to attend my dad's funeral, sitting with my siblings...and their families. For all intents and purposes, I was alone.

There was no husband there, putting his arm around me, hugging me, telling me it'll be alright. Nope. Believe me, that would have been great, both at the funeral and during the days at the hospital.

And if one more person comments on how "strong" I am (not talking to you, bloggers/readers), I'll lose it. If God is trying to make me the strongest person ever, then I'm not ready for whatever else He's throwing my way. I'm not THAT strong...lay off!

It's so frustrating to want something and to put the effort in (going on dates), but see no results. I don't even see it happening any time soon. And, since I do want children, I feel like time is running out.

Now, do I realize how whiny I sound? Yes. In a world where an earthquake/tsunami ROCKED Japan, where there is starvation, children suffering, AIDS, etc. I'm aware. I'm aware that my teeny problem of not wanting to be single isn't the end of the world.

But, in the same breath, how come all of MY friends have husbands/families...and didn't seem to go through 1/4 of the work I do, in terms of number of dates, weirdos, etc.?

These are the things that keep me up at night...crazy though it might be.

The Sedentary Life

Ugh! Some of you may remember I mentioned I was having some minor surgery in early March, which would take me off of exercise for a bit. Well, that bit is killing me. We're going on week 3 and it'll at least be 4 weeks before I'm allowed to do anything.

The first 5 days were no fun, as I was laid up and couldn't do much. Then I could move around more...but still not do much. Now, I'm more mobile, but still not allowed to exercise...AT ALL. Grrr!

If any of you are regularly active, you know how much you miss it when you can't do it. I miss running so much right now! So, last night, I came home, hoping to do a modified (non-cardio) workout. Just something, to make me feel like I'd done something.

I put in a 20 minute pilates DVD, only to find out my DVD/VCR remote is broken, so I can't select the workout on the DVD. Then I put in old 8 minute Abs/Buns VHS tapes. All I could see were squiggly lines. My stability ball needs to be inflated, so I couldn't do a ton with that either. All in all, I did some pushups, some abs, and some leg extensions that work the butt/thighs.

I guess I'm really NOT supposed to work out right now?

Keep in mind that I have zero will power for food or sweets, so I haven't really changed my eating habits during this hiatus. Whoopsy! Luckily (so far), it hasn't hurt me yet. I haven't been on the scale, but I don't feel like I've gained anything (and my clothes fit).

Here's hoping my metabolism holds out for a couple more weeks!