You have GOT to be kidding me...

It's obvious I'm in a crap mood...so I apologize for all the rants.

I am SO TIRED of people doing shitty things and then seemingly being rewarded.  I'm certainly not perfect, but nothing seems to work out for me.  And I have numerous examples of people I know getting rewarded for their immoral behavior.

Exhibit A:  a friend of mine (who I've distanced myself from) has been in an unhappy marriage for a while. She married a guy who didn't want kids, and she thought he'd change his mind.  She wants kids badly.  Well, in my opinion, her husband was honest about that and it's not really his fault.  She shouldn't have expected that he'd change his mind on such a big topic.  But, I realize we all make mistakes or are naive about things.

Anyway, I found out late last year that she sexted a manager from where we work and invited him to her place, where they did the deed.  She doesn't know that I know, which leaves me in a crap position. However, she does know what I went through with my other cheater friend who lied and kept things from me...and how upset that made me.  So, when she continued to play the victim with me, knowing what she'd done, that really pissed me off.  She's not once come forward about what she did.  

Furthermore, it was rumored that she was fooling around with someone affiliated with our company.  I never perpetuated the rumor, but it was widespread.

Whenever she's texted me, I've always replied in a friendly manner, but we haven't had much contact in the last several months.

Let me fast forward to today.

I get an email from a co-worker to a few of us, asking if we should plan a baby shower for her before she moves away.

I should also say that AS I was reading this email (which my friend isn't included on), I got a text from this friend, saying, "Hello...I hope you're doing well...I miss you...would love to get together."

Um, WHAT?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

So, I replied in shock (to the email), saying I didn't know anything.  Then I texted the co-worker and she gave me more information.  She's 27 weeks along...and the father is that guy affiliated with our company. She's moving in with him.

Let me get this straight.  She's unhappy in her marriage.  She cheats on her husband (and I think got away with it).  She has an affair, while married, with a guy tied to our company.  And then she gets pregnant and gets to end up with said guy?  I think they'll get married, once her divorce is final.

Are you kidding me?  I mean, seriously.

So, while I'm not perfect, I've not cheated on anyone, had affairs, or anything even close to that stuff.  And guess what?  I'm not remotely close to being pregnant or moving in with anyone.

I don't understand.  And I'm a believing Christian.  But right now...that faith is dwindling.  For some reason, I'm being punished.

Bad mood continues!  I hate everything.

Another one bites the dust...

Well, another friend is getting a divorce.  This brings the grand total to 2 - in the last year or so.  And I have no clue if the other friend I've had issues with (and no longer speak to) is still pursuing divorce or trying to work it out with her husband.  I posted about this earlier this year.  And I'm still sort of in shock that 5 of my friends are either getting divorced, having troubles, or trying to work things out.  Yikes!

Anyway, this friend, let's call her UF...she confided in my earlier this year that her husband has some serious addiction issues.  While this totally shocked me, it also made sense when I thought about his behavior.  So, she's been pretty up front about their troubles.  She recently moved, due to her job, so we don't chat/get together as often.

She texted me the other night, saying we needed to talk - that things had happened.  I told her she could call any time.  I got an email from her yesterday.  The gist of the email was this - she tried to work things out with her husband...but she met someone earlier this year...tried to resist, but then fell in love with him...told her husband...tried to work things out...he still won't work on his issues...he filed for divorce.  She said she already has several friends not speaking to her because of this...and she was worried about how I would react, but wanted to tell me what was going on.  

That was quite the way to start my day/week.  Wowsa!  This is the third friend of mine who has cheated.  What is going on?  

It might surprise you how I responded to her versus how I handled the situation with this friend.  Basically, I told this friend that I'm here for her - even though I don't approve of what she did.  I told her that none of us know what we would do unless we were in someone else's shoes.  I told her that the difference between her and my friend that is no longer my friend - is that she had the guts to tell me herself (even if it was a few months after the fact).  She didn't exclude me from her life and make assumptions about what I would do.  She didn't let me find out about it from someone else.  And she didn't try to hide it from me by telling people not to tell me.  And she didn't blame me somehow for her own problems. 

My ex-friend still doesn't understand why I'm upset with her.  I'm 100% sure she thinks I'm ONLY upset with her for cheating...when it's so much more than that.  And she also thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for.  Uh uh. 

So, while I'm really sad to hear about the choice she made, I also know the load of crap she's dealt with regarding her husband's stuff.  That does NOT justify cheating.  But, I can see how she may have been at the end of her rope.  Again, doesn't justify it. 

I also offered her some unsolicited advice.  I told her it might be best if she was single for a while - even if this new guy is SO amazing.  Because really, I don't think it makes sense to be in another relationship when you aren't even finished with the one you're in. 
She took my response well and I get the feeling she felt relief that I didn't get mad at her or judge her.  Being a Christian, I find it so hard to deal with these particular situations.  On the one hand, I so strongly disagree with cheating (and have personal experience with it).  On the other hand - ALL of us make mistakes.  And it's really not my place to pass judgement.  If all of us stopped being friends with people when they made mistakes - NO ONE would have friends.  So, I'm hoping I did the right thing.  And I'm hoping that it's obvious how different her scenario and how she handled it with me was versus how my other friend handled hers.

On a side note:  I still don't understand something.  This friend described the new guy as amazing, responsible, sweet, kind, honest...  If this single guy is SO honest, what would possess him to be remotely interested in someone who is currently MARRIED?  I don't get it.  If a married male acquaintance approached me about dating/getting together - I would have ZERO interest.  Ya know why?  Because he's MARRIED.  I don't get it.  Ugh.

All of this to say that I'm still single, but my friend who isn't even divorced yet has already found someone else. 

What is going on?  WHY?  ARGHHH!

"Being single sucks"

So...my friends who are potentially getting a divorce are still trying to figure that all out.  I was talking to the husband the other night.  He moved into his own apartment a few months back, until they make a decision.

He's struggling with the "single" life and sometimes I just want to SHOUT at him.  Granted, he dated her in college and got married right out of college, and is now in his 30s.  But still...

I guess it's just that he's constantly complaining about being single.  And how hard it is.  And how he doesn't have social plans.  Or, he is at the bars every night and doesn't want to be.  Or, he keeps hanging out with some of his married friends and knows he can't do that all the time.

Um, HELLO???

I know I need to have some sympathy, but it's becoming more difficult.  Seriously, man, figure this shit out.  It's just NOT that hard.

Recently, he complained about being at the bar late on a week night.  And I asked him if he ever just stays in for the night.  Ya know, read a book, watch TV, or just BE.  He said he sometimes does that, but doesn't like it.  And then he says, "Being single sucks."

Yep, he, who has been married for a number of years, says to me, who has been single for a number of years, "Being single sucks."

Thanks.

I'm not saying I've never had that thought, or that I can't empathize.  But, dear God, he's been "single" (not really, since, technically he's still married) for about 8 months.  I've been single for a lot longer.  If he's struggling at 8 months, I have concerns.

Moreover, being single does NOT suck all the time.  YOU have to make your life the best it can be - regardless of the circumstances.  Honestly, of course I wish I were in a relationship right now, or already married and having kids.  But, I'm not.

This year has been truly fantastic, and I don't think I've spent much of it lamenting my single status.  Ya know why?  I've made the EFFORT to have fun, make plans, enjoy my solo time, and just be happy.  I'm not walking around complaining all the time.

If you can't just be by yourself in your apartment, I think that's a little weird.  Who needs to be out every night of the week?  Am I missing something?  Most nights for me include a workout after work, maybe an errand, working at one of my side jobs, dinner with a friend, or going home to eat dinner and watch a little TV.  Sometimes I have actual stuff like laundry or dishes to do.  I don't think this makes me pathetic.  It's called life.  My married friends are likely doing similar things during the week.

I guess I just find it interesting that for all the advice that's constantly pushed on me about what I should do (regarding my single status), that I have to listen to complaints from someone who isn't technically even single yet.

End rant.

Such the dilemma...

A friend and I were recently emailing about my single status, and she informed me she might have some potential set-ups for me.

Unfortunately, these men are all divorced...with kids.

Before you get all worked up into a tizzy, I've discussed this issue before.  Why not discuss it again, eh?  

Let's go back to when I was less cynical, younger, and actually thought I'd be married in my early 20s.  Oh, those were the days...

Back then, it never even occurred to me that I would marry someone who had already been married before. It definitely never occurred to me that I could marry someone with children.  I mean, seriously?

Those were the idealistic days where I thought I'd meet my future husband while at college.  And we'd date there...have tons of fun...and later marry, after graduation.  I'm sure a white picket fence was somewhere in our future as well.

OK, back to reality!

Over the years, I've had to relax a bit on my expectations of the person I will marry.

Exhibit A:  Divorce no longer bothers me.  Sometimes, marriages don't work out.  Now, if the issue is that he was a big cheater face...then I'm not remotely interested.  Sorry.  Oh yeah, if you've been divorced more than once, I'm probably out.  I come from a parent with multiple marriages/divorces, no thank you.  

It was a BIG deal for me to come to terms with this possibility.  Yeah, I still may marry someone who also hasn't been married before, but I'm also allowing myself the possibility that the man I marry may have a divorce under his belt.  And that's ok.

Now, being a tall girl, I really haven't relaxed too much on the height thing.  You can call it silly or whatever, but it's just way too big a pill for me to swallow.  I am just not attracted to a guy who is short or visibly shorter than I am.  I might add, there are likely many men who aren't attracted to me, because of my height.  I get it.  I'm fine with that.

Now, the reason for this post.  Potential set-ups who already have children.  Ugh.

Let me say that I absolutely LOVE children.  I love being an aunt and my friends' kids and I are best buds.  And I really want to have kids of my own someday.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent.  Or with already having kids and trying to navigate the dating world.  I can't imagine how tough that would be.  

My issue is that I just don't have a desire to be a stepmother or be in a blended family.  As I've said before, I have had stepmothers, and...ICK.  I know full well that I'd be a great stepmother to my spouse's children, but again, I just don't want to be in that position.  I don't want to deal with the ex-wife/mother (whether it's a good relationship or not).

Growing up with a broken family/home was not ideal.  While I've gotten over that, so to speak, it's still not what I want for MY family.  I just want my husband and I to create our own family.

So, I thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and politely asked if I could have some time to consider it (while conveying that it's not likely I'm up for the set-up).  She is awesome and handled it fine.  Love her!

Anyway, this recent conversation just reminds me that I'm not quite ready to give up on creating my own family someday.  And I don't think I should have to.

More perspective...

Early this year, I think I posted about gaining some perspective about a married friend whose husband wasn't too happy (though, you'd think his life was perfect).  And their marriage is struggling now.  It's been tough to watch.  

I have another friend who is having trouble in her marriage.  She wants something that he doesn't want.  (You can guess what that is.)

Anyway, it occurs to me that in both cases, the couples met in college, and married just after.  So, they were what...22 years old?  Now, I totally thought I'd meet my husband while at college and marry right after graduation.  Isn't that what you do?

When it didn't happen, I was disappointed, of course.  Partially because I was either in or going to all of my friends' weddings.  So, I was surrounded by what I didn't have for myself.

But, I realized at one point that I would have been a terrible girlfriend in college.  I was busy.  I was super involved, overbooked on classes, and running all over - all the time.  When did I think I had time for a boyfriend?  So, I got over being sad that it didn't happen in college.

However, then the years began to pass by...with several crappy dates among them.  And, none of them resulting in a relationship or marriage.  At this point, my friends were all having kids and I was now attending multiple baby showers.  Awesome.

Getting back to the point of this post.  While I think that my situation is crap and unfair, I have friends who are struggling in their marriages.  And they're asking themselves some pretty tough questions.  I'm sure they never thought they'd be in this place.  I'm also sure that I've thought they were "set" and had a perfect situation going, multiple times.

To be perfectly honest?  With what they're going through, I'm totally fine being single.  Because, my single-ness is a choice, to a degree.  I decided not to date some douchebag whom I don't really like, just for the sake of dating him.  I decided to stand my ground and know what I want and what I deserve in a husband.  Some people may call that picky, but I say it means I know myself.  And I know my worth.

This is not to say that my friends don't know their worth or that they married bad people.  It is to say, that when we meet someone when we're SO young and marry them right out of college - I'm not sure how well we really know ourselves?

I mean, if you marry right out of college, you miss out on some key stuff (in my opinion).

• Living on your own - NO roommate.  You learn how to be alone and with yourself.  If you can't spend a Sunday by yourself, I think something is wrong there.  
• Paying bills.  I am a firm believer in the experience of paying your own bills and doing a budget on your own.  I mean, what a great life skill!  I'm certainly no financial wizard, but I do feel good knowing that I can do it on my own.  (I'll gladly pass this off to my husband, if I ever get married!)  The point is, if I ever marry and, God forbid, end up alone again - I won't have that "Oh crap!" moment.  I'll know that I did it by myself before, so I can do it again.
• Being on your own.  Period.  I think you can learn so much about yourself when you have that time without a boyfriend/husband/spouse.  Of COURSE I want to meet that person and share my life with them.  But, I think there's value in the time I've spent on my own.  For example, I'm outgoing - so I know a lot of people in my community.  And that isn't because my husband introduced me, or I met people through kids activities...it's because I took the initiative to get out there and meet people (whether they were potential mates or not).  

I'm not saying I have figured this whole "single" thing out.  No way.  Not even close.  But I come back to the word perspective.

When I've thought my situation was total crap and everyone else had it made, I was wrong.  I'd rather be single and have a full life (which is what I feel I have), than be married and feel lonely or alone in that marriage; and not know a way out of it.

This isn't to say I've given up on being married.  Um, no way!  But I'm trying to widen my perspective to realize that just because people are married and things "seem" fantastic, they aren't always going that well.  

Sometimes, people don't think...

Remember the post about my friends who are potentially going through a divorce?  Well...that's still going on.  And while I'm no longer speaking to the woman (who was my friend to begin with), I'm still in contact with her husband.

I've been a sounding board and a friend, but I've never (for the most part) said anything negative about his wife/my friend or told him he should divorce her.  (Even though, that is what I do think he should do.)

Anyway, our contact in the last few months has been much more limited.  I've not inquired about the status of their relationship and just haven't heard much from him.  This is totally fine with me.  The more in the dark I am, the better.

But, he did call me this weekend...and sounded pretty down.  I guess they are "trying" to work their marriage out, but things still aren't going well.  From his perspective, he's putting in all the effort and she's not doing much.  Considering she's the cheater here, I guess one would hope she'd step up.

So, based on what he told me, I really don't understand why he wants to stay married to her.  I mean, doesn't that seem odd?  And yes, I realize it's a huge deal to get divorced.  I'm just saying that if she makes him feel like total crap...what's the attraction there?

Back to the title of this post.  He was talking about how his friends have good relationships/marriages and how their wives are so great.  And he says to ME..."Where's MY wife?  Where's MY good relationship?"  (Keep in mind, he's been with her since college and some of those years have been pretty happy.)

OK, I'm not trying to be a Sensitive Sally here...but really?  He's saying that to ME?  The woman in her mid-thirties who ISN'T married but would LIKE to be?  Really?  For realz?

I did call him out.  I said, "Hey, you don't have to tell me that.  Since, ya know, I would like to be married and have been wondering about where MY husband is for a while.  So, you're only gonna get SO much sympathy from me on that, Mister."

And then he made comments about how he's sick of being alone on the weekends or not having plans, etc.  I get it, I do.  He's USED to being in a marriage/relationship and this is all new.  But I'm a firm believer in people (married or single) being ABLE to be alone on a weekend or just with themselves for a time.  Is it that hard?  Really?

It's hard for me to feel bad about him not having plans on a Saturday night.  I've spent plenty of Saturday nights without plans.  And I'm surrounded by married people with kids...like, I have maybe 2 single friends.  I fill my weekends with races, a side job (that is fun), drinks with friends, etc.  And, if I have a day of the weekend where I'm at home, I'm honestly not upset about it.  Ya know why?  I have laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying, etc. to do!  I don't know that anyone's weekends are filled with non-stop fun, all the time.

Anyway, I feel like I've put up with a lot of insensitive comments from married people over the years.  And now, in this case, the shoe is on the other foot...and of course, I will bite my tongue.           

Friendship over...

Hello friends!  I have no right to expect that any of you actually check my blog anymore, since I haven't posted in a long while.  Life has been busy.  Life has been good.  Not sure if those are excuses...but let's go with that. 

So, my last post had to do with a friend of mine who cheated and is potentially going through a divorce. 

Let me catch you up on that sitch:

I finally got in touch with this friend (let's call her WC) - after her avoiding me for weeks.  Prior to making a plan to meet for dinner, there were several text exchanges that were incredibly rude and immature on her part.  We had dinner in late April and she informed me she had feelings for someone else.  Now, to be fair, she had no idea that I knew she'd full on slept with this person.  BUT, she knew most of our other friends knew.  So, I asked if they were "dating," and she said they were.  And then I asked if things were physical.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "No."  So, I sort of repeated that again, giving her another chance, and she still said, "No." 

Not good, folks.  Not good.  It's one thing to keep this from me, but when I ask you flat out and we've been on rocky ground - you should probably tell the truth.  It took all I had not to yell at her.  I sat there and listened, never really came down on her or anything. 

After that, we didn't have much contact.  I made a few attempts to get together with her - and for some reasons, we just couldn't get our schedules together.  Uh huh.  BUT, guess who came to town a few weeks later?  PB.  You remember PB, right?  The guy I met at a race and sort of speed dated for a weekend? 

So, instead of messaging myself or WC's husband that he was in town...he ONLY messaged her.  And they went for a run, dinner, lunch, etc.  She was able to find all sorts of time to spend with him...but couldn't arrange something with one of her best friends.  Hmmm...

And...her husband asked her politely NOT to see PB, because it made him uncomfortable (rightfully so).  She saw nothing wrong with hanging out with a single, attractive guy - when she was supposedly "working" on their marriage.  She even chose hanging out with PB over her husband. 

This also confirms my feelings about PB, that he is gross and looking for action.  He KNEW she was having marital problems and contacted only her, when he's been friendly with her husband in the past as well.  ICK. 

So, WC and I have not really spoken/hung out in months, now.  She's made no effort and I'm at a point where I think she sucks.  I don't think I need to make any sort of effort, because I'm not the one who's done anything wrong.  I recently found out that she thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for and that I'm "making way too much" of this whole thing.  Really?

What am I making too much of?  Let me think...

• She cheated on her husband, a good friend of mine.  (Now, I'm aware that is THEIR issue, so I can't hold a grudge against her for that.  But, I still have some issues with her doing something like that.)
• She mislead me from the very beginning, putting blame on her husband and saying she wasn't in love with him...never was.  All the while, she was having an affair with this guy.
• She stayed in my home while continuing to mislead me about what was going on.
• She lied to my face when asked a direct question about her involvement with this guy. 
• She spent time alone with a guy I dated, whom I specifically told her I had issues with.  (I think this is hugely disrespectful.  I'm not saying she can't be somewhat friendly with him, but given her current situation, she shouldn't hang out with him.  And you'd think, out of respect for her friend, she wouldn't WANT to.) 
• She cut me out throughout this whole thing, when I was nothing but supportive from the get go (obviously I didn't know about the affair at first).  I spent extra time with her, talking things out.  There was no reason for her to think she couldn't talk to me about this.  (And she didn't cut others out.  I know for a fact she was socializing with other mutual friends of ours...but NOT including me.) 

So, if she could narrow it down to WHAT I'm "making too much of," that would be so helpful.

She and I have seen each other through millions of miles (running) and through the deaths of parents.  I guess, when you've been through that, I think you should be able to tell/confess anything to one another.  I'm not sure why she felt like she couldn't tell me.

And if she cared at all about our friendship...even if she doesn't think she needs to apologize, wouldn't you get in touch and find out WHAT is going on?  Wouldn't you want to save the friendship?

I think I'm going to cut my losses here and say good riddance.  It's a shame it had to happen this way, but I'm not going to just let this go.  She needs to be held accountable for her actions - in every way.  I think the way she's treated her still husband throughout this has been awful.  She is not the person I was friends with.  And if this is the "new" version of her...I'm not interested.

So, it's a sad ending, but I have to say - I haven't really missed her.  She has been critical in the past and made rude comments, testing my patience.  The funny thing about this whole thing is how she has always given me relationship/dating advice (unsolicited) - telling me what I should be doing. 

I gotta tell you...I've never been happier being single than watching this whole thing unfold.  Ick.  It's a good reminder that I am strong, independent, and have the self esteem to know what I deserve! 

Dilemma...

I know, long time no post. I'm still single...but life is actually pretty good. This post relates to something else.

A good friend of mine recently revealed to me that her marriage was struggling. I met with her a few times, supported her, and spent time talking about it. I even put her up in my home for a few nights. They made the decision to divorce (I'm friends with both of them), but seemed to go back and forth.

Then this friend would tell me reasons why things weren't going right, things that were going on with her, etc. And nothing seemed to match up for me, but I've never been through what they're going through - so what do I know?

Well, as of today, this friend and I haven't spoken since she stayed at my house...which was about a month ago. I've called a few times and she has not returned those calls. I've met with her husband to talk - as a friend - and feel like I've been in better contact with him.

Anyway, he called me last night asking if I wanted to tickets to something, which I couldn't attend. I asked him if everything was ok with her, since she hasn't returned calls or spoken to me. He confirmed they are getting a divorce and then I could tell something was off.

He got uncomfortable and I could tell he wanted to tell me something. So I told him he didn't have to tell me anything and that I didn't want him uncomfortable, but that I felt like something was up, since she's not speaking to me. He put my mind at ease by confirming that it had nothing to do with me.

And then he let it out... She cheated on him...and the relationship with that person is still ongoing.

He was not spiteful about it, either. It tore him up to reveal that to me, and he only did it because he could tell I was concerned about what the heck was going on. I told him I would never reveal to her that he told me and that she will have to admit that to me herself, if she plans to. He went so far as to defend her. I also think he preferred I hear it from one of them than some random person.

OK, so here's where I have issues. First of all, I'm not a huge fan of cheating, as I have personal experience in my family and really, it's just not good. I'm not trying to be judgmental, either - but I think we all know that cheating (on a person, on a test, in life) is just wrong.

Let's set that aside. My friend has had AMPLE opportunity to come clean about this with me. And she hasn't. And now, if she ever does tell me, it won't help - since I already know. She led me to believe she had had thoughts about other people...but hadn't acted on it. I sat and listened to and supported her - NOT knowing that she had stepped out on the marriage.

Let me be honest, I don't think I would have let her stay in my home - had I known she had done this. In a weird way, I feel like I somehow supported her behavior (unknowingly).

Now, I'm fully aware that my above statements are probably WHY she hasn't come forward and told me about this. I get it. But, it's so much worse now, because she should have been honest from the get go.

And let's just say I can get past this...WHY would I ever want to meet this person she's in a relationship with or socialize with them in ANY way? Ick. My opinion of that individual is pretty low.

I know people aren't perfect...and yes, I do have high expectations of others - why shouldn't we expect the best from people? I can accept she made a mistake...but misleading me about that mistake, using me (in a way), telling me other reasons the marriage is in trouble, but not the BIG reason...is/was wrong of her.

At this point, she will have to initiate contact with me. I don't plan to make any calls/texts to connect with her.

Have any of you ever been in this position? What advice/thoughts do you have? I just feel betrayed and I'm not sure the friendship can survive this.