Mother's Day for singles...

A good friend of mine posted "An open letter to pastors (A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day)"
on FB yesterday, and I so agree with it.  My friend is an adoptive mother of two and I sincerely appreciated reading this. 

You may have read it before, but thought I'd share it here.  Obviously, I most relate to this one -
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

Like the author of the post, I hadn't thought about Mother's Day that way either, even though I've always wanted to be a mother.  But, looking back, I have felt alienated at church, when they speak about families more than the singles.  Or only acknoweldge familes, which makes singles feel forgotten. 

So, I was telling my mom about this yesterday.  Instead of having a bit of compassion, she said, "So, where does it stop?  Do we just stop honoring anyone, out of fear it might upset someone else?"

OK.  This is kind of hilarious, coming from my mom, someone who is SUPER SENSITIVE about everything.  Everything. 

I'm not saying she has to agree with it, but maybe she could TRY and see it through her daughter's eyes? 

Anyway, I think it's a great post and worth the read.  I'm all about honoring mothers, but I also think there are several people out there who aren't traditional mothers, but still mother plenty.  They may mother their friends, by counseling them through different situations.  They may mother their nieces and nephews by being a good role model and a trusted adult they can turn to and talk to about anything.  They may mother their parents by assisting them in various situations.

After all, is there an "Aunt's Day" or an "Uncle's Day?"  I'm certainly not saying I need to be celebrated, but since no one in my family does anything for me for my birthday (not even coming to visit/go to dinner), no one really shows appreciation for the time/money I spend on my nieces and nephews, and no one does much for me at Christmas - I guess I think maybe there SHOULD be a special day for aunts and uncles?  :-) 

Hello again! (Also, marriages are in trouble)

Alright, it's been a few months since I've posted.  I don't really have a great reason for that, other than being busy and not really having anything to post that I felt was blog worthy. 

But, I thought I'd share what seems to be happening to many of my friends right now.  I think I told you all about my friend who cheated on her husband and they are now still figuring out what the frick they're doing...while living separately.  (Honestly?  I don't think it's going to work out.  I think they'll reconcile, have a kid at some point, then ultimately divorce.  Sorry, I'm just pretty sure that's what'll happen.) 

Anyway, in recent months, even more of my friends are going through marital troubles.  I've got a friend who desperately wants children, but married a man who was clear from the get go that he didn't want kids.  It is now a big problem.  No clue what they're going to do about it. 

Another very close friend of mine has reached a bit of a breaking point with her husband's behaviors.  So, they are going to counseling and trying to work it out, but she's definitely said that she'd be fine with divorce if he doesn't shape up.  And trust me, HE is the one at fault in that sitch.  She's been nothing but patient and accepted less than what she deserves from him. 

Yet another friend just informed me that she and her husband are getting a divorce.  It's amicable, so that's good.  But I wasn't too surprised, since she's mentioned that to me in past years.  No cheating, just couldn't seem to make it work.

And last week, a friend of mine broke the news to me that she and her husband are having some pretty serious troubles, mostly with his addiction issues.  Now, it's not as if I thought she and her husband were perfectly happy and everything was rainbows, but the news totally caught me off guard. 

So, after that lengthy convo, it occurred to me that 5 good friends of mine are going through marital troubles.  I have a lot of friends (very lucky), but I feel like 5 is a pretty high number.  YIKES! 

This has caused me to do some (more) thinking about the topic of marriage. 

#1 - Perspective.  I've said it on this blog a million times, but it's true.  I'd say for 3 out of 5 of these marriages, I thought things were pretty solid.  Never perfect, of course, but a solid relationship.  And being a single chick on the outside of that, it's easy to be a little envious.  Now, finding out that things for most of these couples weren't rosy for a while, it makes me wonder if they have ever looked at my life and been envious.  I'd venture to say yes. 

#2 - Can a marriage really last?  I'm a child of divorce, so I know first hand that marriages don't always work out.  But, I guess I'm also a little idealistic and thought that it was possible for a marriage to be solid and last (even through ups and downs). 

#3 - With my friends having so many troubles in their marriages, is it possible for me to even meet/marry someone and be happily married?  Ever? 

#4 - Or, will it bode well for me if I get married later, because I'll have been independent for a while, really know myself, and really know what I want and what I don't? 

Ultimately, the whole thing just makes me sad.  Because, no matter how envious (never in a mean way) I've been of their marriages/life situations, I wouldn't wish the troubles they're having on them.  Ugh.  And, it makes me (in some ways) realize the good things in my life.  I'm not dealing with a ton of conflict or issues in relationships, most of the time.  So, I can go about my day and go out with friends or do whatever. 

Now, of course, I'd rather be happily married with some kids nagging me, but that's not happening.  So, until then, I'm able to have a pretty full life with minimal conflict. 

More perspective...

Early this year, I think I posted about gaining some perspective about a married friend whose husband wasn't too happy (though, you'd think his life was perfect).  And their marriage is struggling now.  It's been tough to watch.  

I have another friend who is having trouble in her marriage.  She wants something that he doesn't want.  (You can guess what that is.)

Anyway, it occurs to me that in both cases, the couples met in college, and married just after.  So, they were what...22 years old?  Now, I totally thought I'd meet my husband while at college and marry right after graduation.  Isn't that what you do?

When it didn't happen, I was disappointed, of course.  Partially because I was either in or going to all of my friends' weddings.  So, I was surrounded by what I didn't have for myself.

But, I realized at one point that I would have been a terrible girlfriend in college.  I was busy.  I was super involved, overbooked on classes, and running all over - all the time.  When did I think I had time for a boyfriend?  So, I got over being sad that it didn't happen in college.

However, then the years began to pass by...with several crappy dates among them.  And, none of them resulting in a relationship or marriage.  At this point, my friends were all having kids and I was now attending multiple baby showers.  Awesome.

Getting back to the point of this post.  While I think that my situation is crap and unfair, I have friends who are struggling in their marriages.  And they're asking themselves some pretty tough questions.  I'm sure they never thought they'd be in this place.  I'm also sure that I've thought they were "set" and had a perfect situation going, multiple times.

To be perfectly honest?  With what they're going through, I'm totally fine being single.  Because, my single-ness is a choice, to a degree.  I decided not to date some douchebag whom I don't really like, just for the sake of dating him.  I decided to stand my ground and know what I want and what I deserve in a husband.  Some people may call that picky, but I say it means I know myself.  And I know my worth.

This is not to say that my friends don't know their worth or that they married bad people.  It is to say, that when we meet someone when we're SO young and marry them right out of college - I'm not sure how well we really know ourselves?

I mean, if you marry right out of college, you miss out on some key stuff (in my opinion).

• Living on your own - NO roommate.  You learn how to be alone and with yourself.  If you can't spend a Sunday by yourself, I think something is wrong there.  
• Paying bills.  I am a firm believer in the experience of paying your own bills and doing a budget on your own.  I mean, what a great life skill!  I'm certainly no financial wizard, but I do feel good knowing that I can do it on my own.  (I'll gladly pass this off to my husband, if I ever get married!)  The point is, if I ever marry and, God forbid, end up alone again - I won't have that "Oh crap!" moment.  I'll know that I did it by myself before, so I can do it again.
• Being on your own.  Period.  I think you can learn so much about yourself when you have that time without a boyfriend/husband/spouse.  Of COURSE I want to meet that person and share my life with them.  But, I think there's value in the time I've spent on my own.  For example, I'm outgoing - so I know a lot of people in my community.  And that isn't because my husband introduced me, or I met people through kids activities...it's because I took the initiative to get out there and meet people (whether they were potential mates or not).  

I'm not saying I have figured this whole "single" thing out.  No way.  Not even close.  But I come back to the word perspective.

When I've thought my situation was total crap and everyone else had it made, I was wrong.  I'd rather be single and have a full life (which is what I feel I have), than be married and feel lonely or alone in that marriage; and not know a way out of it.

This isn't to say I've given up on being married.  Um, no way!  But I'm trying to widen my perspective to realize that just because people are married and things "seem" fantastic, they aren't always going that well.  

Breathe and Realize

So, I ran a half marathon this weekend.  And, I was fairly nervous about it. 

Now, I'm no elite runner, so it's not like my nerves had to do with trying to win prize money.  But, I do have a marathon in a little over a month...and I had just taken the entire week OFF from running. 

Why, you might ask?  Well, I've got an injury.  It's super annoying, painful, and annoying - yes, I know I said that twice.  I'm going to physical therapy for it and also doing the stretches/exercises he recommends.  But, the whole thing is just frustrating, when all I want to do is run. 

So, when I woke up the morning of the race, I just thought, "Nope, I don't feel like doing this today.  Nuh uh.  Not gonna go well."  But, I got my butt out of bed and headed to the race anyway.  I did a very short warmup jog and decided that that would have to do. 

And honestly, I really thought the race would be a train wreck, with me finishing 40+ minutes slower than my normal times.  And that is fine...really.  But, I just didn't WANT to be out there that long and in pain, struggling to finish. 

So, after my warmup, I said a little prayer.  And it went something like this:

Dear God, please let me run smart today.  Let me know when I need to stop/quit, if necessary, and when I need to slow down and take it easy.  Let me run how I feel.  Let me remember that my ability to run is a GIFT.  That this injury is TEMPORARY, and not permanent like so many others face every day of their lives.  Let me remember that I can run - even with this injury, which is fortunate.  Let me enjoy the day and utilize this run as a stress reliever and a reminder of how blessed I am with good health. 

With that prayer, I felt more relaxed and the anxiety level took a dive.  The race started and I turned on my pop tunes.  I felt good.  I felt strong.  And I just ran however my body was telling me to run.  The first half was fairly fast.  I slowed down a bit for the second half, but still felt pretty good. 

I finished about 4 minutes slower than my previous PR.  And I'm pleased.  I had taken a week off from running, I have an injury, and I even snuck in a few short walk breaks.  So, I'm happy with how it went.

The biggest takeaway is that prayer.  It centered me and it truly reminded me about how I'm fortunate to even be able to do this.  To run.  So what if a race doesn't go well...or I have a minor injury (that will eventually heal)?  I'm healthy.  And there are so many who don't have that luxury. 

Always good to remember the positives in our lives...even if there's sucky stuff going on.     

The grass is always greener...

It's so easy for me to get caught up in all the things I think are going wrong in my life. And then I start looking at everyone around me, who seemingly have the things I don't, and assume life is a bowl of cherries for them.

I had a little "aha" moment last weekend. I was talking with a friend (she & her hubby have a pretty good life going, and it would be easy to assume all is fab). Anyway, we were talking about her husband and she was saying he wasn't thrilled with his job or where he was at in life (happy with her, but not his career & social life). Anyway, I look at him and think, "You're making great money, you have a solid job, you love your wife...life is grand." But HE'S in the situation and still not fully happy.

While I wasn't happy to hear that he's feeling that way, I will say it gave me some much needed perspective. Just because I'm not married and don't have children (two things I really want) doesn't mean there aren't some pretty good things happening in my life.

We all have areas of our lives that aren't going the way we hoped or planned. It doesn't matter who has what, everyone's got their thing that bums them out. It's not like I didn't know this...but this was a good reminder.

Now, don't worry, I haven't turned into Sally Sunshine. But, I'm doing my best to enter 2012 with positivity and a better outlook. Last year was a such a mess, and this year can only get better!