I don't get it...

OK, let's start with a positive.  I moved into my new home and I absolutely LOVE it!  I'm excited to get fully unpacked/organized/settled.  And I'm also excited for all the fun projects I have planned.  So far, so good! 

Now, on to the point of my post.  I've noticed, via Facebook, that several people I know - who have recently divorced - are ALREADY with someone.  What the frick?  Seeing that makes me feel like total crap. 

*  Friend who cheated while married - got pregnant by the guy she cheated with, divorced her husband, and is now MARRIED to the father of the baby.
*  Friend who cheated while married - have seen pics of her on FB with her fella, doing all sorts of fun things.
*  The above friend's ex husband - have seen pics of him with his new girlfriend, and pics of his trip to visit her.
*  Friend whose husband went a little crazy - they divorced, but I'm not so sure she didn't also cheat during all of that.  Either way, she's already dating a guy and I see pics of them all over FB.

WHAT am I doing wrong?  Seriously.  These people have already moved on and are dating/married to others?  And I've been trying for decades with little to no success? 

For lack of a more mature way to put it, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" 

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on all the excitement of my new house, but this does have me a bit down.  I have no clue why I can't find someone, but these people, who made some really poor choices, can find multiple people! 

And yes, I know that sounds holier than thou and very judgmental.  I'm not saying that if you cheat, you should never find happiness again.  I'm simply saying that it seems a bit unfair that after making that type of choice, you get "rewarded" with a significant other right away. 

Meanwhile, I'm over here (not perfect) trying to make good decisions...and I get nothing. 

Blog Anniversary - 4 Years!

Well, yesterday was the 4th anniversary of this blog.  I honestly can't believe I've been writing this for 4 years! 

On the one hand, it's been a very positive thing for me.  I can't tell you how therapeutic it's been to vent my feelings and stories in a safe and anonymous place.  And, to then get feedback and support from my readers?  That's even better.  Because, while I don't wish single-ness on anyone who doesn't wish to be single, it does feel better to know that others are in the same boat and can relate to what I'm going through.  In my life, there aren't many who can relate to this.  Seriously.  So, this blog has been a great place for me to connect with like minded people.  Thank you! 

On the other, more negative, hand...it's a little sad that it's 4 years later and my situation hasn't changed or improved.  Again, I know many of you can relate to this.  Unfortunately.  I so wish my situation would change, but not sure how or why it hasn't.  I've been open to pretty much any set-up.  I've been social.  I've gone back to online dating.  And still...nothing.  Bummer.

Anyway, the main reason for this post is to thank you, my readers, for your support and advice!  And for reading my blog at all!  I have no clue how many people read my blog.  But, when I started this blog, I honestly thought no one would ever see it or read it!  It was more of a diary for myself; a place to vent.  And several of you have either offered advice, support, or thoughts on what I post.  Thanks for reading! 

I'd say, "here's to 4 more years," but let's hope that none of you are reading this in 4 years and that I'm not writing it...because we'll all be paired up with great guys!!!  Right? 

Thanks again for reading! 

Excellent read!

I stumbled onto this book on Amazon a few weeks ago.  It's a quick read and I found it to be very therapeutic.  I highly recommend! 

Sara Eckel also has a website, which is also pretty great. 

In this time of complete frustration with my single-ness, this book gave me a boost.  It doesn't promise to give you tools on HOW to find your mate, but it completely calls out every single stupid thing anyone has ever said to you about your being single. 

And that, my friends, is total validation.  I've always known other people are hearing the same stupid comments I am, but since I have next to zero single friends, it's easy for me to feel like I'm the ONLY one hearing this stuff. 

Thank you, Sara, for giving me a much needed boost and validating all the frustration I'm feeling. 

Shocker...

So, there was an event this weekend (not a dating thing, but something where I suppose one could meet singles).  I was on the fence about going, mostly because I was in no mood.  Add to that that I worked all day...and I was nearly 100% no go.  A friend convinced me to go.  And in the back of my mind, I thought, "Ya never know who you might meet at this thing.  Maybe there'll be some single guys there..."  Uh huh. 

I came from work, but I will say, I looked fine (phew).  We got there and it was a pretty small crowd that was filtering in.  And, wouldn't ya know it?  It was mostly couples in their late 40s-50s and some youngish families.  I'm not sure I saw one other single person...or at least, not one in my age range. 

So, yet again, I sort of forced myself "out there," and it was pointless.  I'm not saying that any time I go out, there should be potential guys, but come on.  How many times do I have to drag myself out and be disappointed by the lack of available fellas?

Grrr... 

Does anyone "get" what this feels like?

Any of my single readers ever feel like that?  Like you're the only one in your situation, surrounded by couples with kids? 

I've felt that way for a while.  Only now, I've sort of reached a very low point in my "I hate being single/childless" struggle.  And when you feel like that and no one around you is in remotely the same place...it makes you feel even more alone.  Ugh. 

Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing.  Honestly.  When friends were handed out...I was given the best ones there are.  Seriously.  At any stage in my life, I've met wonderful friends who have been a great support system for me.  (There are always a couple of duds, unfortunately.  But ultimately, I've always felt pretty lucky to have the friends I do.)

BUT...

About 99% of my friends are married.  With kids.  And have been.  For a very long time.  Ya know who's still single?  Oh yeah.  Me.

None of my friends ever make me feel like me being single is weird.  Or that the clock is ticking for me to have kids.  But...when you're surrounded by people who are in a completely opposite situation as you, it makes you feel excluded.  Or, at least, it makes me feel excluded. 

I can't tell you how tired I am of being the 3rd wheel.  Or the 5th wheel.  Or the 7th wheel. 

And my friends invite me to stuff because they enjoy my company and know we'll have fun.  But it's still frustrating to always be the "single" in the group.

Anyway, I think people who aren't in my situation often don't know what to say or do.  Which makes sense.  And I think they honestly believe what they're saying.  But it's never anything I want to hear.

"Maybe you're a blessing to all these other kids in your life..."
"You are enough."
"God has amazing plans for you."
"It won't always be like this."

Those are a few examples.  And honestly, I can't say that I wouldn't say those things to a friend if the situation were reversed.  So, I get it. 

But let's be honest, none of those statements make you feel better.  I'm thrilled that I have so many wonderful kids in my life.  Seriously.  They are fantastic and I love them all.  But they aren't enough to make me be OK with the fact that I don't have any of my own and may never get to.  And, I'm sure that I am, indeed, enough.  But, I'm not satisfied with that.  And if they were single, would they feel the same way?  I'm a believing Christian (with currently wavering faith) and I've always thought God had great plans for me.  And I held onto that for a very long time.  But there comes a point where you think, "Does He?"  And, the same is true for "It won't always be like this."  No one knows that...but it's something to say (I understand).  I've always hoped that it wouldn't always be like this.  And yet, it is.  Ugh. 

And while my friends are a fantastic support system (only a few close friends know how low I feel right now), it's not enough.  Feeling like this and then coming home to an empty house?  Well, that does nothing to boost the spirits.  And no, my family knows nothing, other than I'm sure they know I'd like to be married/have kids.  My mom would freak out.  She worries about everything.  So, I can't talk to her about this stuff.  And my siblings probably wouldn't give a crap, if I'm being honest. 

Anyway, those are my random, rambling thoughts for today.  I know...a real pick-me-up! 

Thank goodness for my single readers who DO "get" what this feels like, to varying degrees, I'm sure!         

PDA. It's gross.

So, I went to a Super Bowl party for work.  Now, I don't care about the Super Bowl.  At all.  And, I really hate going anywhere on a Sunday night.  But...

The party itself was fine, even though people were allowed to bring spouses/significant others, so there were a lot of couples.  I realize the world isn't "out to get me" whenever I'm at a couples party, but still.  It sucks to feel like the loser who STILL doesn't have a significant other...even if no one else is thinking that. 

Most of the couples were fine, but there was one couple whose PDA was just too fricking much.  I mean, seriously.  At one point, I almost started counting the different things were doing...but quickly realized I might not be able to count that high. 

Let me list the PDA I witnessed:

• Grabbing/patting each other's butts
• Kissing on the lips
• Kissing on the cheek
• Sitting in folding chairs next to one another and the girl puts her legs over the guy's
• Arms around each other
• Nuzzling
• Close talking
• Giggling flirtatiously
• Touching

I'd like to tell you that I noticed all of this because I'm a bitter, single, old lady.  But I can't tell you that.  All I can tell you is that behavior would bother me no matter what.

Now, I'm fine with general PDA.  Ya know, the guy maybe gives his gal a quick peck on the cheek or whatever.  Or they both put their arms around each other at some point.  Obviously, that is normal.  And I'd do that with my significant other (if I had one) at a party. 

But, when it's as excessive as the list I wrote above, and constant, I think it's just over the top.  Couples that do this, in my opinion, are trying to prove something.  I'm not sure what...but they want us to know they are deliriously happy and a COUPLE.  I guess, I think, that if you're truly happy/secure in your relationship, you don't need to do all of that, IN PUBLIC.  In your private time?  GO FOR IT. 

And before you say, "Oh, but they've only been dating a couple months...," don't.  This couple has now been dating for at least a year and living together for a bit, too.  So, it's no longer a new thing.

Anyway, that was super annoying to witness and not easy to get away from.  I've asked my married friends about it and they all reacted the same way I did...so at least I know I'm not crazy.  Right?      

Another year older...

Well, I recently celebrated my birthday.  And honestly, it wasn't too great.  The thought of being ANOTHER year older, and nowhere near marriage/kids, is kind of depressing. 

I would love to cowgirl up and get a positive attitude and say "THIS is my year!  THIS is the year it's all going to happen for me!"  But, ya see, I've done that.  Numerous times.  Like, a lot.  So...

It's very difficult to keep a positive attitude when you don't see any change or positive result.  I can honestly say that I had a very positive "can do" attitude in 2012 and for parts of 2013.  I was easy breezy about going out with friends to the bar (which I'm not normally a fan of) and pretty much went on any social invitation that came my way (date or not).  And I wasn't TRYING to meet someone.  I was merely open to being social and whatever that may or may not bring.

You know what it brought?  Nothing.  Not one chance encounter with someone while I was out.  Not one date that came out of someone knowing someone that might be good for me.  Not one exciting date opportunity.  Nothing. 

Now, I'm not saying that gives me permission to be negative 24/7...but one could see why it would be hard to stay positive and hopeful. 

And the other difficult thing, is that everyone else's lives are seemingly moving forward.  Whether it's celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary, another pregnancy, building and moving into a brand new home, going on a couples' trip... 

NONE of those things are going on in my life.  Now, my life isn't completely boring.  I obviously went on some amazing trips last year.  But, I do believe those trips would have been more fun if I'd had a mate with me.  I feel like it's somewhat boring:  living in the same house, same job(s), same hobbies...  I never feel like I have something cool to report.  And I know that my married friends may not look at their stuff the same way I do, but that doesn't change how it feels to be the odd one out.

Even the friends in my life who CHEATED WHILE MARRIED are dating people.  I mean, are you kidding me?  Seriously?  I don't get that at all. 

So, I'm going to do my best to try and get a little positivity going.  I can't make any guarantees, but I will try. 

Here's to 2014 being my year???

Another dinner from hell...

So...it was another friend's birthday this past weekend, and she'd invited a group of us out to dinner.  I was hesitant to go, since I'm not feeling all that social right now, but she's one of the nicest people - so I couldn't refuse. 

Anyway, she told me my friend and his girlfriend were coming, in addition to some other co-workers of ours.  And then some other friends (whom I know) were coming. 

Well...I get there and immediately notice that it's ME and 3 other couples.  I absolutely HATE that.  I know they probably don't even notice/care, but it makes me acutely aware of my single-ness.  Ugh.  And then, the others show up...all couples.  Me and this other guy (whom I know and do not like that way, thankyouverymuch) were the ONLY single people there, among 12 people.

Side note:  my friend and his girlfriend - the PDA is unbearable.  And I say that without bias...as I'm just not a huge fan of PDA.  If I'm dating someone, of course I'm fine with holding hands or a peck.  It's the constant PDA that really gets me.  I look over and my friend's arm is around her, their fingers interlocked.  She went down to the bathroom and he asked if she wanted him to go with her.  She said no...and he still followed her down.  They were touchy feely the whole night.  I'm horrible, I know. 

Anyway... 

For starters, the girl next to me.  OMG.  She's fine, but not the most fun to talk to.  She's a bit of a bragger.  And also...can't stop talking.  Even if I had wanted to talk to anyone else at the table, I couldn't have.  Because she was constantly blabbing in my ear for the duration of the evening.  I even had my phone out, sort of purposely being a little rude...and that didn't stop her.  And the stuff she was blabbing about?  Not anything remotely interesting.  At.  All. 

So, I did make some effort to talk with others at the table.  But, I do think things with my friend are officially weird.  He had texted me "looking forward to catching up with you," and yet, we hardly spoke 2 words the entire night.  In fact, I was the one who said good night.  So, that pretty much sucks. 

To make matters worse, somehow, my single-ness became a topic of conversation/center of attention.  I promise you, I didn't say a WORD about it.  Duh.  WHY would I want to discuss that in a large group of people - none of whom I'm particularly close to?  And why didn't they talk about the other single's single-ness?  Argh! 

So, at one point, someone said, "It'll happen for you...it happened for me at 49!"  Um, is that supposed to cheer me up?  Because that just made me sad.  Like, really sad.  (And she was married twice before this guy)  One of the other girls started talking about this guy at her gym and how I should stop by and check him out.  OK, I don't belong to her gym...so, I'm supposed to stop by?  And what do I do once I'm there?  Seriously.  Then her husband pulls up one of his employees on FB, to show me a pic.  And they start asking me about him. 

OMG. So. Uncomfortable.

At this point, we were still waiting for our food.  It took forever!  My salad finally arrives and I start eating...it's after 9pm at this point.  Well, part way through, I notice a rubber band in my salad.  Now, I'm not a snob, but I do think restaurants should probably check what they're sending out.  I mean, it was pretty obvious.  So, the waiter took it back and brought me another one.  It's now 9:35...and I really don't care about eating.  So, I box it up to go.  I was still charged for the salad.  Everyone thought that it should have been comped...and I agree.  Whatever.  Annoying. 

Things wind down and we all head downstairs to leave.  Like I said, I had to say, "Goodbye A, N, and P."  And I think my friend said bye, but there was no other conversation.  And we used to text NON-STOP, talk on the phone, run together, etc.  So, that is weird. 

I left in a pretty crappy mood and kind of wanted to scream when I got in my car.  Instead, I ate a Cadbury Egg when I got home.  I'm sure that resolved something, right? 

   

The hits just keep on comin'...

So...I had what I would call a horrible night last week.  And if I had to live through it, you, dear blog readers, have to hear about it.  :-) 

I worked all day at my job...then headed to my side job, which is usually a pretty easy thing.  But, we were super busy that night.  And it got to the point, where I was so cranky, I had zero desire to do anything but go home. 

Not so fast.  I had already committed to going to a dinner (related to this side job), right after we closed.  So...I rode along with a few friends...in the worst mood, wishing I wasn't going. 

Remember my friend?  People kept saying we should date?  Now, me, I definitely enjoy him and his friendship, but I had definite concerns about the age gap, his religious beliefs, his current career (still in school), etc.  So, I didn't really have my heart set on anything happening there.

Well, he was set up on a blind date recently...and guess what?  Things are working out perfectly.  All lovey dovey, unicorns, and rainbows.

I'm happy for him, I am.  But, when I'm being bomarded (feels that way) with pregnancy news, engagements, and now his new relationship - it's a bit much.

Anyway, about 2 seconds before going into the restaurant, I find out that he's bringing his new girlfriend, whom I've never met.  Oh, great.  Awesome.  (He confirmed to me that he was coming, but never mentioned he was bringing her - which irritates me a bit.) 

So, I'm in a horrible mood, definitely down on life, and now I have to deal with this?  Really? 

And...when we sat down, I had to sit across from him and his girlfriend.  Let's just say they are very touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, affectionate, PDA, etc.  Whoa. 

She is very friendly and outgoing, and I'm sure I will like her.  But in that moment, it was all too much to deal with.  I tried my best.

Let me insert here that I'm not upset that he's now dating someone - in the sense that I wish it were me.  I don't.  But...he dated a girl from high school, through most of his college years.  Then he was single...and he gets set up on ONE FRICKING BLIND DATE...and it's working out?  Do you know how many horrible setups I've been on?  TONS.  And how many have worked out?  ZERO.  And I'm 10 years older than he is.  I guess it feels a bit unfair to me. 

So, his girlfriend stepped away from our table for a bit and he asked how I was doing.  He's aware I'm going through some stuff right now.  So, I told him I was pretty much the same.  And his response was sort of a flippant, "I don't know what to say to you."  OMG.  I'm aware!  I'm aware you have NO CLUE what I'm going through right now.  You telling me that you don't know what to say only makes it worse.  Please don't say that.  So, I said, "I know you don't what to say..."  And he said, "What do you want me to say?"  OMG.  "Well, I don't want you to say anything." 

First of all, he KNOWS I'm going through something, so is that moment, at a dinner table with a group of people (many of whom I don't know), the best time to ask how I'm doing?  Secondly, he knows that I know he can't relate...so constantly saying, "I don't know what to say," is just horrible.  Just say, "I'm sorry you're going through this."  That's enough. 

So, I started tearing up at the table, and had to use a Kleenex to dab my eyes.  Ugh.  At one point, I excused myself to the bathroom...just to escape! 

I forgot to mention that my dinner was supposed to be paid for by the employer (drinks were on us).  So, the waitress brings me my bill and it's for the whole thing.  Great.  I've now spent $40 for this craptastic evening.  Awesome. 

My friend and his girlfriend had stepped out near the bar after dinner.  So, the owner calls my name, wanting to talk to me.  And she says, very excitedly, "So?  What did you think?"  And I was caught off guard.  "Of what?"  "Of his girlfriend?  Isn't she great?  I really like her!  I'm so happy for him!"  At this point, another female co-worker comes on the other side of me...and starts talking about them, too.  So, I'm now trapped between both of them, going ON and ON about the happy couple.  And then the owner proceeds to tell us how she was at a restaurant the week before, and saw them making out at their table...

Kill me.  Now. 

The night continued to drag on, and, eventually, we left...I was home just before 11pm.  Ugh. 

*The owner realized their mistake the next day and is going to reimburse me (and others) for their meals.  So, that's good.  Silver lining?  

Alone-ness

A fellow blogger was inspired by another blogger's post, and wrote this post. Her post reiterated some thoughts I was having before I went to bed last night. Actually, I've had these thoughts thousands of times, but they were really hitting me last night.

One of the worst things people say to a single person is - "You have to be ok with yourself, before you can meet someone and fall in love." (there are many variations on this, but this is the main idea)

Here are my thoughts on that:

1) So, are we to assume that if you married your high school sweetheart, that you were A-ok with yourself in...high school? Really? You knew all there was to know about yourself and were ready to share your life with someone else? Doubtful.

2) What makes you think that I'm NOT ok with myself? I've had periods of my life where I was very insecure about multiple things. But, I'd say I've been pretty ok with myself for several years. Honestly. It's not that I think I'm perfect with no issues, it's that I've learned to accept who I am and not beat myself up for every little thing. I've learned to find the positives in things I used to perceive as horrific flaws.

3) If you've never been single a day in your life...how do you know you'd be ok with yourself, on your own? You don't know...because you've never HAD to stop and figure it out. You just got on the couples roller coaster and haven't gotten off.

4) I have married friends who have admitted they don't like being alone. They know they can barely handle a night at home alone without their spouse. I think that's a problem. Honestly, if you can't be alone for a minute (ie: a night or two), then what the heck is your deal? You can't figure out a way to entertain yourself? You're that dependent on the other person? And, if you're terrified of being alone...shouldn't you have had to go through a period of "being single" to figure out the issues behind that? Why did YOU get to get married? How does that work?

Bottom line: No one is ever 100% ok with themselves when they go into a relationship. We all have flaws and issues, and that's ok. Hopefully, our spouse helps us see those issues and we can work on them together. (This is my assumption...being that I'm not married!)

If I wasn't able to figure out life on my own, as a single...then yah, I think you should have to do that before getting married. But, so many people don't. I have friends who would admit they'd be screwed if they lost their spouse. And I'm the one who's still single? Really?

I'm proud of my independence, in many ways. I never had someone show me how to budget, when I got my first job out of college. I did that myself. I've made big purchases, by myself. I've bought a house, cars, etc. - without the help of a spouse. I've moved into and out of numerous places. I've been to my father's funeral, with no "built in" support system. I've been unemployed (no spousal income) twice...and bounced back, figuring it out on my own.

As much as being single can sadden me, sometimes I do realize how much I'm capable of because I've been single for so long.

Side note: I was at a meeting last night, where everyone in the group is married - except for me. So, the committee leader was discussing who should go to these upcoming dinners and he says, "I thought committee people could pick a night to come...and come with their spouse. Or (looking at me) come on their own." Seriously, to be called out like that (it happens a lot). Wow. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.