Hello...long time no blog!

Hello readers...if you're still out there! 

I realize I've not blogged for a few months, but there's not real reason other than there's been nothing to blog about. 

Life, other than being single, is actually pretty good.  I ran another marathon last month.  While it was slow and frustrating, I did manage to finish.  Work has been crazy busy and is just now starting to slow down, which is fine with me...heading into the last quarter.  And a friend and I are planning a mini vaca before the end of the year. 

No dates.  No progress in that department.  I think I'm still on eHarmony, which has been a total waste of time.  I'm planning to cancel soon.  I swear, I could randomly go on there once every 4 days and the SAME guys, all living an average of 400 miles away from me, are on my "match" list.  Stupid.  I have zero plans to start communicating with someone, for the first time, with a goal of potentially dating, who lives THAT FRICKING FAR AWAY.  Ridiculous. 

Match won't STOP sending me email notifications about how "he winked at you!," "he emailed you!," "he made you a favorite!"  Um, really?  OK.  So, Match, you want me to pay you some money so I can view all these potential awesome matches, right?  Um, wrong.  I have not been suckered in by this yet.  Ya know why?  I remember when I first tried Match and did the basic part, prior to having to pay, and it told me I had "sooo many" matches.  So, of course, I paid, hoping that THIS would be the time something might work.  And it was all crazy, scary, unattractive (sorry, but I didn't find them attractive) guys.  Waste of money.

Again, I go back to how much I abhor online dating.  It sucks.  Yes, people meet that way, get married, and live happy lives with each other.  I do believe that.  However, I maintain that it is NOT for me.  It's just so awkward.  And there's no way to validate anything about that person.  At least if a friend sets you up, you can trust that they're not setting you up with a crazy person.  I'm sure I've said this before. 

Anyway, still frustrated (no surprise, there) that I'm still single, despite my very social life and seemingly being a normal person. 

So. Awkward.

Well, you may or may not remember my ranty post back in November 2013.  That friend and I have not spoken much since before that post. 

Quick summary:  She emailed me around that same time, telling me she was pregnant, apologizing for not being a good friend, had made some bad choices...really wants me to still be her friend...blah, blah, blah.

Now, I did respond, in a pretty decent way.  I mean, one option was to not respond at all.  Another was to respond in a completely jerky way.  And I chose option #3, responding with honesty, but not letting her off the hook, either. 

I basically told her that I hoped she was doing ok and happy.  I told her that I was disappointed in her, because while she was complaining about her husband/marriage to me (a lot), I was very supportive and a good friend.  All the while, she was making really bad choices and being dishonest (or lies of omission) with me.  And that that was pretty hurtful, considering another friend had just done that to me, and she knew about that situation and how hurt I was.  I told her that I was really struggling right now and that her pregnancy/marriage news only made it worse (even though that's not her fault), but that I know she knows exactly how that feels.  And I asked her for time and space. 

To her credit, she did reply.  So, that was good.  And then time passed...and she sent me a birthday email and card.  I have not reached out to her because, in all honesty, I don't have the wherewithal to deal with that right now.  I just don't.  I don't have the capacity to be her friend and support her right now.  And I think that's ok.  When I was there for her, she was dishonest and only came clean with me when she knew I was going to find out.  It's a bit unfair to ask for my friendship now. 

Fast forward to this past weekend.  The part time job where we met was taking us out to eat.  She no longer works there, but her new husband is affiliated with our company.  I had NO IDEA she would be at this dinner until maybe 30 minutes before.  And yes, that sent me into a panic spiral.  Ugh.  Really wanted to get out of it.

Anyway, I go.  I figure, maybe she'll be at another end of the table and it won't be that bad.  And, I wasn't planning to make a scene...so if I needed to say hi to her, I would. 

I missed when she got there, but at one point, I did try to wave to her, just to make things not too awkward.  Not sure if she saw that or not. 

I got up to use the restroom (for real had to go...wasn't avoiding her).  On my way back, as I'm nearing our table, my manager grabs my hand and says, "Come here..."  And I was like, "What's happening?"  I look over and another manager has grabbed, let's call her "SM," and is bringing her toward me.  He then proceeds to put his arms aroaund each of us - IN FRONT OF OUR TABLE - and tell us, "You two didn't know this was going to happen tonight, but we did.  I love you two too much to not say something.  Life is too short.  You two are too good of friends to let something come between you.  I'm out of it after this, but you two are going to hug and move on from here."  There was a bunch of other stuff, too, but that is the basic idea of what was said. 

Yep, that happened.

I was SO stunned and angry, that I didn't know what to do or say.  Of course, SM was crying, as she always is.  I was too angry to cry.  So, it ended with us in a forced (and awkward) hug.  Then my manager stayed there making awkward chit chat with us, because it was a super awkward situation.  While the table of co-workers couldn't hear the discussion, it was obvious what was going on and super embarrassing.  Thank goodness our food came, which forced us back to the table - where I had no further discussion with SM.  As I sat down the manager's wife and another assistant manager said, "Everything ok?"  Um, no.  it's not.  I said, "Well, that was really uncomfortable."  Their response?  "It's all ok, it's fine."  Um, again, no.  It's not. 

Once I sat down, I had some tears and it was so frustrating to be sitting with a group of 15 people with tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I barely touched my food or said anything after that.  Got out of there as quickly as I could.

Still trying to figure out what their expectation is, now?  Do they think I'm going to text her and set up a time to get together?  Because I'm not.  Do they think I'm going to call her and apologize (for what, I'm not sure)?  Because I'm not.   

I'm still livid about the whole thing today and debating whether I'll send the managers a note about the various ways their "intervention" was inappropriate. 

1. This girl no longer works for our company.  So, there is no professional communication between us.
2. I have not told co-workers about our falling out.  So, there is nothing to make other employees uncomfortable about our situation.
3. It should not have been done in public, in a restaurant, in front of fellow employees.  If it was absolutely necessary, they should have scheduled it with both of us and done it at the office, in private.  But again, this was personal, not professional. 
4. They have NO IDEA what went on between SM and me.  None.  It's not their place to tell me to be ok with her and move on. 
5. They have NO IDEA what I'm personally going through right now and how SM plays into that.
6. She and I know the issue(s) between us and it is our decision whether we remain friends or not.
7. Life IS too short, but it's also too short for me to stay friends with people who are NOT good friends to me. 
8. We are ladies in our 30s; I'm pretty sure WE can figure out whether or not to be friends. 

Anyway, that happened and it's become near impossible for me to not think about it and want to scream! 

Does anyone "get" what this feels like?

Any of my single readers ever feel like that?  Like you're the only one in your situation, surrounded by couples with kids? 

I've felt that way for a while.  Only now, I've sort of reached a very low point in my "I hate being single/childless" struggle.  And when you feel like that and no one around you is in remotely the same place...it makes you feel even more alone.  Ugh. 

Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing.  Honestly.  When friends were handed out...I was given the best ones there are.  Seriously.  At any stage in my life, I've met wonderful friends who have been a great support system for me.  (There are always a couple of duds, unfortunately.  But ultimately, I've always felt pretty lucky to have the friends I do.)

BUT...

About 99% of my friends are married.  With kids.  And have been.  For a very long time.  Ya know who's still single?  Oh yeah.  Me.

None of my friends ever make me feel like me being single is weird.  Or that the clock is ticking for me to have kids.  But...when you're surrounded by people who are in a completely opposite situation as you, it makes you feel excluded.  Or, at least, it makes me feel excluded. 

I can't tell you how tired I am of being the 3rd wheel.  Or the 5th wheel.  Or the 7th wheel. 

And my friends invite me to stuff because they enjoy my company and know we'll have fun.  But it's still frustrating to always be the "single" in the group.

Anyway, I think people who aren't in my situation often don't know what to say or do.  Which makes sense.  And I think they honestly believe what they're saying.  But it's never anything I want to hear.

"Maybe you're a blessing to all these other kids in your life..."
"You are enough."
"God has amazing plans for you."
"It won't always be like this."

Those are a few examples.  And honestly, I can't say that I wouldn't say those things to a friend if the situation were reversed.  So, I get it. 

But let's be honest, none of those statements make you feel better.  I'm thrilled that I have so many wonderful kids in my life.  Seriously.  They are fantastic and I love them all.  But they aren't enough to make me be OK with the fact that I don't have any of my own and may never get to.  And, I'm sure that I am, indeed, enough.  But, I'm not satisfied with that.  And if they were single, would they feel the same way?  I'm a believing Christian (with currently wavering faith) and I've always thought God had great plans for me.  And I held onto that for a very long time.  But there comes a point where you think, "Does He?"  And, the same is true for "It won't always be like this."  No one knows that...but it's something to say (I understand).  I've always hoped that it wouldn't always be like this.  And yet, it is.  Ugh. 

And while my friends are a fantastic support system (only a few close friends know how low I feel right now), it's not enough.  Feeling like this and then coming home to an empty house?  Well, that does nothing to boost the spirits.  And no, my family knows nothing, other than I'm sure they know I'd like to be married/have kids.  My mom would freak out.  She worries about everything.  So, I can't talk to her about this stuff.  And my siblings probably wouldn't give a crap, if I'm being honest. 

Anyway, those are my random, rambling thoughts for today.  I know...a real pick-me-up! 

Thank goodness for my single readers who DO "get" what this feels like, to varying degrees, I'm sure!         

Choices...

Here's another thought I've had in the last few days.  And I'm sure I've said this on my blog before, somewhere. 

When married people with kids say things like, "Our baby only woke up once last night...so that's excitement in our lives."  (wink, wink)  And then talk about how they live vicariously through me...

Here's what I want to say.  First of all, I know they're trying to be nice and probably think they're being honest, on some level.  But here's the thing.  Married people (at least the ones I know) CHOSE to get married.  They CHOSE to have children.  Those were CHOICES.  So, I don't have a ton of sympathy for you that your kids woke you up in the middle of the night or that you can't go on the trips I take.  Sorry.  You kind of knew that would happen when you decided to HAVE children. 

My current life situation (single & childless)?  Well, that's not a choice of mine.  I did not CHOOSE this.  I did not say, "Hey, I would love to be single.  And kids?  Ick.  No, I don't want any of those."  If I'd said that...then I'd be living the dream right now. 

And stay at home moms - I think what you're doing is amazing and so important.  And I know (not from experience) that it's probably one of the hardest jobs anyone could ever have.  BUT, I still don't feel a ton of sympathy for you when you say you're "stuck" in the house.  Or when others say, "I hope she can come...I feel bad that she never leaves the house."  OK, again, that was a choice.  You CHOSE to stay at home with your children...so you sort of knew you'd be committed to spending quite a bit more time at home, especially when they're young. 

Getting married, I'm told, involves some discussion about where you see your lives going and how you want to spend them together.  Deciding to have kids involves conversations about when, how you'd raise them, and if one parent should stay at home with the kids. 

Again, I'm not evil.  I'm not saying that I have zero sympathy for frustating situations my married friends encounter.  We all have frustrating situations we deal with, and people should be sympathetic.  I guess I feel like some of their complaints are about things directly related to choices they made, while my complaints about being single have little or nothing to do with the choices I've made. 

And, my guess is, that they don't spend nearly as much time envying my life as I do envying theirs.  There's no way they sit at home saying, "Gosh, don't you wish we could have her life?  No kids.  Living alone.  No family memories to make.  Home by herself on Christmas."  I mean, it's doubtful. 

But, do I sometimes (ok, often) wish I had their situation?  Yes.  Happy/solid marriage.  Healthy kids who are frustrating at times, but more often than not, bring you joy.  Family memories/traditions made together.  Yeah.  I'd like all of those things. 

So, that is one of the things that annoys me most.  I didn't choose this, but it's my situation.  And it doesn't show any signs of changing. 

Really, married people? You're jealous of me? Really?

I'm a little sick of married people telling me how jealous they are of me and my exciting life. 

Yes, I've taken some pretty fun trips this year, with one amazing one.  I get it.  I get that they are unable to go on these trips, given the cost and the fact that they have young children. 

But, are they really living vicariously through me?  Really? 

I don't think so. 

I've heard this a lot lately.  And here's the thing.  I'm not constantly telling my married friends who have kids that I'm jealous of them.  (Yes, they're aware I want those things, but I don't constantly say it to them.) 

I know they aren't necessarily saying it to make me feel good or whatever.  But what I'd like to say back to them is, "Really?  You're jealous?  So, you want to trade places?  You'd rather be single and go on these trips (alone) than be married and have a beautiful family?" 

"Oh, ok.  You DON'T want to trade with me?  Got it." 

Because even if they are a bit jealous of my trips, I can almost 100% guarantee they do not want to trade lives with me.  They don't want to be single.  And they don't want to give up the amazing moments they've had with their kids.  Or the amazing memories they've made as a FAMILY. 

And let me just say right now that I'm aware their lives aren't perfect or without stress/issues.  I know. 

The truth is, I would trade ANY of the trips I've taken, if it meant I was married and had a family.  No trip, to me, would be worth more than having a family. 

I highly doubt my friends would trade their family lives for a trip to Australia. 

Hey married people, are you jealous of my single income and small house?  Are you jealous that I get to go through all major life decisions on my own, with no input from a spouse?  Are you jealous that I have no built in support system to help me through things?  Are you jealous that my life never changes, but yours does? 

No?  I don't get it.  Why EVER not? 

Bitter, party of one.  Yep, that's me. 

Hey World, do you HAVE to rub it in? All the time?

I guess it's been about a month since my last post.  I can't think of a good reason that I haven't posted much...other than my life hasn't been that exciting.  I did go to Vegas (for the first time) recently, which was fun. 

Anyway, back to the title of this post.  Do you ever feel like the world just can't help but rub it in that YOU are alone and that OTHERS are not?  Honestly, that's how I feel on a regular basis lately. 

It's not enough that nearly every single one of my friends is married with kids and building their dream home.  No, I have to be constantly surrounded by couples.  When I was in Australia, I saw several couples holding hands, looking all romantic.  My friend there is very happily married to her husband, so they are very affectionate (even after 10+ years).  I should also note that my friend has pretty much never been single in her life.  Ever. 

And there's a new group at church that someone volunteered me for.  I missed the first meeting, but showed up at the next one.  Guess what?  It's not a couples group...but everyone there (EXCEPT FOR ME) is married.  Fantastic.  That is great.  Wonderful. 

I went for a run yesterday in the gorgeous Fall weather.  And while I was enjoying my run, I hopped onto the trail for a bit.  I pass this young couple who are walking along...and then they start to hold hands...and then I think they even had a quick kiss.  Are you KIDDING me?  Must I be confronted with this everywhere I go?

Now, I'm not crazy.  I know it's no one's fault and these ridiculously happy, coupled people can't help themselves.  But seriously.  It is just too much to take.  They have NO idea what it is like to be in my shoes. 

And it gets to a point, where I feel excluded in most areas of my life.  My small group?  All married.  People I work with?  All married.  My friends (except for maybe one)?  All married.  New group at church?  All married. 

Another example?  I've got a group of friends from college and we go away for a weekend every year.  Anyway, every year, it's harder for me to want to go.  Because I'm the single one.  The ONLY single one.  Now, no one there makes me feel like a weirdo.  But they don't have to - I'm the odd ball.  Everyone is married, and has been married, and is showing pictures/talking about their kids and then talking about the new amazing house they're building.  Then there's me.  Um, still living in my small place, not dating anyone, certainly not married, and definitely no kids (and that prospect gets bleaker, the older I get).

And one of my friends who goes on that trip is always so sweet.  She wants me to go so badly.  And I know she's being honest when she says that she doesn't even think of it as a couple's trip.  The thing is, it's easy to not think of it that way when you and everyone else there is part of a couple (except for me).  If there were even two other people who were single, I wouldn't struggle as much with whether or not to go.  I hate that everyone else's lives change/progress every year, while mine remains the same.  (I've decided to go, by the way.  We'll see how I do.)  

It just sucks. 

And honestly, if I had zero desire to be married/have kids, none of this would be an issue.  But I do want those things.

So, I just feel like the whole "couple" thing is IN MY FACE lately, and it makes me want to scream.  It also makes me question what the frick I did to deserve this punishment?   

Another one bites the dust...

Well, another friend is getting a divorce.  This brings the grand total to 2 - in the last year or so.  And I have no clue if the other friend I've had issues with (and no longer speak to) is still pursuing divorce or trying to work it out with her husband.  I posted about this earlier this year.  And I'm still sort of in shock that 5 of my friends are either getting divorced, having troubles, or trying to work things out.  Yikes!

Anyway, this friend, let's call her UF...she confided in my earlier this year that her husband has some serious addiction issues.  While this totally shocked me, it also made sense when I thought about his behavior.  So, she's been pretty up front about their troubles.  She recently moved, due to her job, so we don't chat/get together as often.

She texted me the other night, saying we needed to talk - that things had happened.  I told her she could call any time.  I got an email from her yesterday.  The gist of the email was this - she tried to work things out with her husband...but she met someone earlier this year...tried to resist, but then fell in love with him...told her husband...tried to work things out...he still won't work on his issues...he filed for divorce.  She said she already has several friends not speaking to her because of this...and she was worried about how I would react, but wanted to tell me what was going on.  

That was quite the way to start my day/week.  Wowsa!  This is the third friend of mine who has cheated.  What is going on?  

It might surprise you how I responded to her versus how I handled the situation with this friend.  Basically, I told this friend that I'm here for her - even though I don't approve of what she did.  I told her that none of us know what we would do unless we were in someone else's shoes.  I told her that the difference between her and my friend that is no longer my friend - is that she had the guts to tell me herself (even if it was a few months after the fact).  She didn't exclude me from her life and make assumptions about what I would do.  She didn't let me find out about it from someone else.  And she didn't try to hide it from me by telling people not to tell me.  And she didn't blame me somehow for her own problems. 

My ex-friend still doesn't understand why I'm upset with her.  I'm 100% sure she thinks I'm ONLY upset with her for cheating...when it's so much more than that.  And she also thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for.  Uh uh. 

So, while I'm really sad to hear about the choice she made, I also know the load of crap she's dealt with regarding her husband's stuff.  That does NOT justify cheating.  But, I can see how she may have been at the end of her rope.  Again, doesn't justify it. 

I also offered her some unsolicited advice.  I told her it might be best if she was single for a while - even if this new guy is SO amazing.  Because really, I don't think it makes sense to be in another relationship when you aren't even finished with the one you're in. 
She took my response well and I get the feeling she felt relief that I didn't get mad at her or judge her.  Being a Christian, I find it so hard to deal with these particular situations.  On the one hand, I so strongly disagree with cheating (and have personal experience with it).  On the other hand - ALL of us make mistakes.  And it's really not my place to pass judgement.  If all of us stopped being friends with people when they made mistakes - NO ONE would have friends.  So, I'm hoping I did the right thing.  And I'm hoping that it's obvious how different her scenario and how she handled it with me was versus how my other friend handled hers.

On a side note:  I still don't understand something.  This friend described the new guy as amazing, responsible, sweet, kind, honest...  If this single guy is SO honest, what would possess him to be remotely interested in someone who is currently MARRIED?  I don't get it.  If a married male acquaintance approached me about dating/getting together - I would have ZERO interest.  Ya know why?  Because he's MARRIED.  I don't get it.  Ugh.

All of this to say that I'm still single, but my friend who isn't even divorced yet has already found someone else. 

What is going on?  WHY?  ARGHHH!

Potential set-up...that I almost never heard about

So, while I was visiting my friend, we FaceTimed her sister-in-law (whom I've met).  Anyway, I find out that she's had a guy in mind to set me up with.  This was the FIRST I'd heard of it (but my friend has known about it).

Now, I'm not trying to overreact or anything...but it escapes me why my friend hadn't ever mentioned it to me.  I asked her and she said she wasn't sure how I'd feel about it with all the other set-ups I've been on...  OK, that's true.  But she ALSO knows how much I want to meet someone, get married, and have kids (and how the kids thing is getting less and less likely).  So, why wouldn't she at least ASK me if I have any interest?  I don't understand. 

I'm not angry about it or anything, but it makes me wonder how long her sister-in-law has had this guy in mind...and whether it's even a possiblity anymore.  Now, I don't know much about him, but I would at least like to entertain the possibility.

So, rather than waiting for my friend to say something, I messaged her sister-in-law on FB and asked her about it.  We'll see if she responds and if anything comes of it. 

It's not that I expect my friend to put my love life as a priority - because #1) that is stupid; #2)  she has other things at the top of her list, understandably.  But, I guess I'm just a little irritated that she didn't even attempt to pursue it or discuss it with me.  I'm sure I'm being oversensitive and overreacting, but still. 

And yeah, this potential set-up could totally turn out to be nothing or not work out.  But, it's not like I'm loaded down with dates right now...so I guess I'd rather see if there's any potential. 

Hello again! (Also, marriages are in trouble)

Alright, it's been a few months since I've posted.  I don't really have a great reason for that, other than being busy and not really having anything to post that I felt was blog worthy. 

But, I thought I'd share what seems to be happening to many of my friends right now.  I think I told you all about my friend who cheated on her husband and they are now still figuring out what the frick they're doing...while living separately.  (Honestly?  I don't think it's going to work out.  I think they'll reconcile, have a kid at some point, then ultimately divorce.  Sorry, I'm just pretty sure that's what'll happen.) 

Anyway, in recent months, even more of my friends are going through marital troubles.  I've got a friend who desperately wants children, but married a man who was clear from the get go that he didn't want kids.  It is now a big problem.  No clue what they're going to do about it. 

Another very close friend of mine has reached a bit of a breaking point with her husband's behaviors.  So, they are going to counseling and trying to work it out, but she's definitely said that she'd be fine with divorce if he doesn't shape up.  And trust me, HE is the one at fault in that sitch.  She's been nothing but patient and accepted less than what she deserves from him. 

Yet another friend just informed me that she and her husband are getting a divorce.  It's amicable, so that's good.  But I wasn't too surprised, since she's mentioned that to me in past years.  No cheating, just couldn't seem to make it work.

And last week, a friend of mine broke the news to me that she and her husband are having some pretty serious troubles, mostly with his addiction issues.  Now, it's not as if I thought she and her husband were perfectly happy and everything was rainbows, but the news totally caught me off guard. 

So, after that lengthy convo, it occurred to me that 5 good friends of mine are going through marital troubles.  I have a lot of friends (very lucky), but I feel like 5 is a pretty high number.  YIKES! 

This has caused me to do some (more) thinking about the topic of marriage. 

#1 - Perspective.  I've said it on this blog a million times, but it's true.  I'd say for 3 out of 5 of these marriages, I thought things were pretty solid.  Never perfect, of course, but a solid relationship.  And being a single chick on the outside of that, it's easy to be a little envious.  Now, finding out that things for most of these couples weren't rosy for a while, it makes me wonder if they have ever looked at my life and been envious.  I'd venture to say yes. 

#2 - Can a marriage really last?  I'm a child of divorce, so I know first hand that marriages don't always work out.  But, I guess I'm also a little idealistic and thought that it was possible for a marriage to be solid and last (even through ups and downs). 

#3 - With my friends having so many troubles in their marriages, is it possible for me to even meet/marry someone and be happily married?  Ever? 

#4 - Or, will it bode well for me if I get married later, because I'll have been independent for a while, really know myself, and really know what I want and what I don't? 

Ultimately, the whole thing just makes me sad.  Because, no matter how envious (never in a mean way) I've been of their marriages/life situations, I wouldn't wish the troubles they're having on them.  Ugh.  And, it makes me (in some ways) realize the good things in my life.  I'm not dealing with a ton of conflict or issues in relationships, most of the time.  So, I can go about my day and go out with friends or do whatever. 

Now, of course, I'd rather be happily married with some kids nagging me, but that's not happening.  So, until then, I'm able to have a pretty full life with minimal conflict. 

I survived...

So...the friend who announced she was pregnant with #3 last week?  I already had plans with her (and her family) and a couple other married friends, for the weekend.  It included 3 couples, their kids, one other single gal (whom I know) and myself.  (We roomed together.)   

Do you know how badly I wanted to opt out of those plans?  I mean, I just had zero desire to go.  Wallowing in my own home sounded much more appealing. 

Now, yes, I could have cancelled.  But, I'm 99% sure my friend would have known that I was cancelling due to her announcement.  And I would feel pretty bad about that. 

So, yes, I was a bit of a martyr and went anyway.  My goal was to spend as much time with the kids as possible, and avoid any "OMG, you're pregnant!" conversations around my friend...of which there were many.

I had as much fun as I could have...considering the circumstances.  I did my best to put on a happy face.  And I did ask about her pregnancy, but not very much.  And, hopefully, I didn't avoid my friend (because I do love her to pieces), but I don't think I hung around her as much as I normally would have. 

We all ate dinner in one of the hotel rooms and that was fine. 

However, when I went to sleep in my own room...I found out that my roommate is a snorer.  Like, major snoring.  And the kids had decided to sleep in our room as well (which was fine).  Her snoring kept me up for most of the night, when all I wanted to do was fricking sleep. 

My friend (the pregnant one) texted me saying I could sleep in their room, if the snoring was keeping me up.  Our rooms were adjoining, and SHE could hear the snoring in their room!  So, I moved over to the open bed in their room and tried to get some sleep.
I'd say I maybe got 3 hours sleep? 

In short, I think I paid about $80 to listen to snoring and then not even sleep in the room I paid for.  Sounds about right...

Once we woke up in the morning, my friend started asking me about online dating, if I'd ever done it.  And then was asking about my church, if they had a singles program.

Now, this girl is a seriously good friend.  And I know she's being completely honest when she says it keeps her up at night wondering why I'm still single.

However, the LAST thing I want to discuss first thing in the morning, after getting 3 hours sleep, and being in a horribly depressed mood - is my dating (or lack thereof) life. 

Conversation eventually moved to her pregnancy and I casually excused myself to put my contacts in, change, go to the bathroom...  Eventually, I was all packed up and ready to hit the road.  I was trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

Everyone else hung around to go the park (part of the hotel)...while I got on the road. 

I've teared up several times in the last week - which has been the suck. 

And I'm still in the rut today.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't particularly want to see anyone.  And yet...I'm at work. 

A younger, male friend of mine...could tell (via text) that I wasn't in a great mood.  And when I told him why, he said, "Not sure what to say, really." 

Now, that's fine.  I don't expect him to have some magical answer.  But, for some reason, saying, "Not sure what to say, really," just sort of rubs me the wrong way.   

Keep in mind...he was recently set up on a blind date and it's all working out - rainbows and unicorns. 

How many blind dates have I been set up on?  Millions.  How many have worked out?  None.  Boo.  (Not begrudging him this new development...just frustrating that it doesn't work out for me.) 

Anyway, I'm still here.  Still feeling the suck of all of this.  And wishing I could crawl into a hole. 
 

Friendship over...

Hello friends!  I have no right to expect that any of you actually check my blog anymore, since I haven't posted in a long while.  Life has been busy.  Life has been good.  Not sure if those are excuses...but let's go with that. 

So, my last post had to do with a friend of mine who cheated and is potentially going through a divorce. 

Let me catch you up on that sitch:

I finally got in touch with this friend (let's call her WC) - after her avoiding me for weeks.  Prior to making a plan to meet for dinner, there were several text exchanges that were incredibly rude and immature on her part.  We had dinner in late April and she informed me she had feelings for someone else.  Now, to be fair, she had no idea that I knew she'd full on slept with this person.  BUT, she knew most of our other friends knew.  So, I asked if they were "dating," and she said they were.  And then I asked if things were physical.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "No."  So, I sort of repeated that again, giving her another chance, and she still said, "No." 

Not good, folks.  Not good.  It's one thing to keep this from me, but when I ask you flat out and we've been on rocky ground - you should probably tell the truth.  It took all I had not to yell at her.  I sat there and listened, never really came down on her or anything. 

After that, we didn't have much contact.  I made a few attempts to get together with her - and for some reasons, we just couldn't get our schedules together.  Uh huh.  BUT, guess who came to town a few weeks later?  PB.  You remember PB, right?  The guy I met at a race and sort of speed dated for a weekend? 

So, instead of messaging myself or WC's husband that he was in town...he ONLY messaged her.  And they went for a run, dinner, lunch, etc.  She was able to find all sorts of time to spend with him...but couldn't arrange something with one of her best friends.  Hmmm...

And...her husband asked her politely NOT to see PB, because it made him uncomfortable (rightfully so).  She saw nothing wrong with hanging out with a single, attractive guy - when she was supposedly "working" on their marriage.  She even chose hanging out with PB over her husband. 

This also confirms my feelings about PB, that he is gross and looking for action.  He KNEW she was having marital problems and contacted only her, when he's been friendly with her husband in the past as well.  ICK. 

So, WC and I have not really spoken/hung out in months, now.  She's made no effort and I'm at a point where I think she sucks.  I don't think I need to make any sort of effort, because I'm not the one who's done anything wrong.  I recently found out that she thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for and that I'm "making way too much" of this whole thing.  Really?

What am I making too much of?  Let me think...

• She cheated on her husband, a good friend of mine.  (Now, I'm aware that is THEIR issue, so I can't hold a grudge against her for that.  But, I still have some issues with her doing something like that.)
• She mislead me from the very beginning, putting blame on her husband and saying she wasn't in love with him...never was.  All the while, she was having an affair with this guy.
• She stayed in my home while continuing to mislead me about what was going on.
• She lied to my face when asked a direct question about her involvement with this guy. 
• She spent time alone with a guy I dated, whom I specifically told her I had issues with.  (I think this is hugely disrespectful.  I'm not saying she can't be somewhat friendly with him, but given her current situation, she shouldn't hang out with him.  And you'd think, out of respect for her friend, she wouldn't WANT to.) 
• She cut me out throughout this whole thing, when I was nothing but supportive from the get go (obviously I didn't know about the affair at first).  I spent extra time with her, talking things out.  There was no reason for her to think she couldn't talk to me about this.  (And she didn't cut others out.  I know for a fact she was socializing with other mutual friends of ours...but NOT including me.) 

So, if she could narrow it down to WHAT I'm "making too much of," that would be so helpful.

She and I have seen each other through millions of miles (running) and through the deaths of parents.  I guess, when you've been through that, I think you should be able to tell/confess anything to one another.  I'm not sure why she felt like she couldn't tell me.

And if she cared at all about our friendship...even if she doesn't think she needs to apologize, wouldn't you get in touch and find out WHAT is going on?  Wouldn't you want to save the friendship?

I think I'm going to cut my losses here and say good riddance.  It's a shame it had to happen this way, but I'm not going to just let this go.  She needs to be held accountable for her actions - in every way.  I think the way she's treated her still husband throughout this has been awful.  She is not the person I was friends with.  And if this is the "new" version of her...I'm not interested.

So, it's a sad ending, but I have to say - I haven't really missed her.  She has been critical in the past and made rude comments, testing my patience.  The funny thing about this whole thing is how she has always given me relationship/dating advice (unsolicited) - telling me what I should be doing. 

I gotta tell you...I've never been happier being single than watching this whole thing unfold.  Ick.  It's a good reminder that I am strong, independent, and have the self esteem to know what I deserve! 

Dilemma...

I know, long time no post. I'm still single...but life is actually pretty good. This post relates to something else.

A good friend of mine recently revealed to me that her marriage was struggling. I met with her a few times, supported her, and spent time talking about it. I even put her up in my home for a few nights. They made the decision to divorce (I'm friends with both of them), but seemed to go back and forth.

Then this friend would tell me reasons why things weren't going right, things that were going on with her, etc. And nothing seemed to match up for me, but I've never been through what they're going through - so what do I know?

Well, as of today, this friend and I haven't spoken since she stayed at my house...which was about a month ago. I've called a few times and she has not returned those calls. I've met with her husband to talk - as a friend - and feel like I've been in better contact with him.

Anyway, he called me last night asking if I wanted to tickets to something, which I couldn't attend. I asked him if everything was ok with her, since she hasn't returned calls or spoken to me. He confirmed they are getting a divorce and then I could tell something was off.

He got uncomfortable and I could tell he wanted to tell me something. So I told him he didn't have to tell me anything and that I didn't want him uncomfortable, but that I felt like something was up, since she's not speaking to me. He put my mind at ease by confirming that it had nothing to do with me.

And then he let it out... She cheated on him...and the relationship with that person is still ongoing.

He was not spiteful about it, either. It tore him up to reveal that to me, and he only did it because he could tell I was concerned about what the heck was going on. I told him I would never reveal to her that he told me and that she will have to admit that to me herself, if she plans to. He went so far as to defend her. I also think he preferred I hear it from one of them than some random person.

OK, so here's where I have issues. First of all, I'm not a huge fan of cheating, as I have personal experience in my family and really, it's just not good. I'm not trying to be judgmental, either - but I think we all know that cheating (on a person, on a test, in life) is just wrong.

Let's set that aside. My friend has had AMPLE opportunity to come clean about this with me. And she hasn't. And now, if she ever does tell me, it won't help - since I already know. She led me to believe she had had thoughts about other people...but hadn't acted on it. I sat and listened to and supported her - NOT knowing that she had stepped out on the marriage.

Let me be honest, I don't think I would have let her stay in my home - had I known she had done this. In a weird way, I feel like I somehow supported her behavior (unknowingly).

Now, I'm fully aware that my above statements are probably WHY she hasn't come forward and told me about this. I get it. But, it's so much worse now, because she should have been honest from the get go.

And let's just say I can get past this...WHY would I ever want to meet this person she's in a relationship with or socialize with them in ANY way? Ick. My opinion of that individual is pretty low.

I know people aren't perfect...and yes, I do have high expectations of others - why shouldn't we expect the best from people? I can accept she made a mistake...but misleading me about that mistake, using me (in a way), telling me other reasons the marriage is in trouble, but not the BIG reason...is/was wrong of her.

At this point, she will have to initiate contact with me. I don't plan to make any calls/texts to connect with her.

Have any of you ever been in this position? What advice/thoughts do you have? I just feel betrayed and I'm not sure the friendship can survive this.