Family...ugh.

OK, I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted!  I'm sure you've been starved for content!  HA! 

Well, let's get this out of the way first - NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING new in my dating life.  Single.  Still.

But...there has been some excitement over the last few months.  I was approached by a buyer wanting to buy my house.  Now, I've been thinking about selling/moving, but was probably going to wait another year or two on that.  Anyway, my type of house is hard to sell and this scenario rarely happens, so I considered it.  Soon after that, I had an offer.  And then it was sold.  So, I was furiously house hunting and trying to find a place and make an offer...which was both stressful and exciting. 

I decided early on in this process that I wouldn't tell my family about it.  My reason was that they almost never come to visit me, but I'm always the one going home for stuff of theirs, to visit, see the kids, etc.  And it's an expectation of my mom's that I will always make time for her when I come home...even though I have friends I'd like to see and other stuff I'd like to do.  It never occurs to them to come here and do something nice for me or just stop for a visit.  So, I guess I didn't think people that never visit me need to know I'm moving...at least not until Thanksgiving, when I host. 

So, I told a few close friends and kept mum about it on Facebook.  Every single friend I told reacted the same way.

• "OMG, that is SO exciting!"
• "I'm so happy for you!"
• "Can't wait to shop for stuff with you!"
• "What can I do to help?  Do you need help with the move?"

Nothing but pure excitement for me.  And as I've said before, I'm really fortunate, because I have an amazing group of friends surrounding and supporting me. 

So, I decided to just tell my family when I was home a few weekends ago.  My nieces/nephews were super excited.  They asked to see pictures and when they'd get to sleep over.  My sister-in-law asked a few questions and said she didn't know I was looking.  My brother, who was in the room while we talked about it, said NOTHING.  Not, "Oh, that's cool - good for you."  Nothing.  My mom asked to see pics and asked details about it, but was clearly upset that I hadn't informed her until just then.  And, we haven't spoken since the night I told her (email or phone).  I promise you she is pouting and expecting me to do/say something.  I won't be doing that. 

The next morning, my sister-in-law and I chatted for a bit, but she still never really asked to see my house or anything about it.  And my brother still said nothing.  I thanked them for letting me stay over, but they didn't thank ME for watching their kids the night before.  *sigh*

Keep in mind that neither my brother/SIL or mom offered any help.  My mom actually asked if I was getting some friends together to help me move. 

Cut to the other day.  I get an email from my SIL.  See below:

Have you started packing up? What is your move in date? I can't believe none of us knew anything about your move until last weekend. We didn't even know you were thinking about moving. It's not fair! We have been wanting to move for quite awhile and it's not working for us. Just can't find the perfect house:( Oh well, some day. Now do you have to get a lawn mower, rakes and shovels? Oh the joys of owning a house:)

 

What the hell does someone say to that?  How do you respond to that?  Still no congratulations, offer to help move, or asking to even just see the house.  Just complaints about how unfair it is that I've found something when they haven't.  I showed it to a few friends and they were all dumbfounded.  Couldn't believe it.  And she's the one person I'm close to in the family.  Ugh. 

So, I replied today, just saying, "Yeah, I'm really excited about the move and having my own place!  Moving on the xxth!"  She replied, "Ok thanks."  Um, ok?   So, she's clearly annoyed, but I just don't care anymore. 

And she's maybe the 6th person out of everyone I've told to make some variation of this statement.  "Welcome to lawn maintenance!"  Um, ok.  It is NOT the end of the world.  I'm pretty sure I can handle a lawn, since, ya know, I've been handling every other detail of my life for a very long time...with not much help.  So, I think I've got it.  How about how exciting it will be for me to live in my OWN space with no one above/below/across from me for the first time in nearly my whole life?  I think that is worth whatever work the lawn may be. 

 

Anyway, ultimately, this is super exciting news and I have a great crew of friends coming to help me move, which is great!  So, I'm trying not to let my family get me down...but they're doing exactly what I thought they'd do - making it about them, rather than being excited for me.

How do some of these people find mates?

I was out with a friend and her husband this weekend.  We had a bit of a drive, so there was some good conversation on the way home.  We were talking about this mutual acquaintance and how frustrating/annoying she can be. 

She's a runner, a pretty good one.  But, I don't only know that from local races we've run.  I know that because she constantly brags about herself.  Like, all the time.  "I could have won that race, but I wasn't feeling well."  "I won, but didn't run as fast as I wanted to.  I could have gone faster."  "I won that race and they didn't even give out awards.  Can you believe that?"  She is so fricking competitive.   

OMG.  Yes.  We get it.  You are incredible.  Amazing, really. 

How do I know she says these things?  Well, I don't really socialize with her, at all.  But, I have gone running with her in a group and one-on-one before.  And, when you run with her, you don't talk.  You pretty much just run and listen to her go on and on and on and on and on and on about how great of an athlete she is...or that her kids are the best at this and that.  So, the run can feel incredibly long.  And painful. 

I've distanced myself from her and rarely see her that much, or run with her.  She probably hasn't caught on and would never guess my reasoning. 

Anyway, she's married, with kids.  And honestly, she has to be one of the most insecure people I know.  Anyone who brags about themselves that much, has some insecurity issues.  Big ones. 

So, let's start with my question in the title of this post.  How does someone who is incredibly insecure find a mate?  How is their insecurity attractive?  How does that draw someone in?  And, she masks her insecurity with bragging about herself.  How does THAT draw someone in?  Either way, I honestly don't understand how she (or others like her) is married.  At all.  And, from what I heard, her husband can be a prick, but still.  I don't get it.

And the thing I've always heard about myself?  "You can be intimidating."  "You're confident, which can be intimidating."  "Your height can be intimidating."  (FYI, I'm not an amazon, but I'm tall)  "You have your sh*t together, which can be intimidating."  "You're so independent, which can be intimidating." 

OMG.  So, I'm being penalized for having my sh*t together?  Are you effing kidding me?  I'm a broken record, but I DON'T GET IT. 

I'm so sorry that I come off as confident, not arrogant.  I'm sorry that I'm tall and can't really change that.  I'm so sorry that I am successful at my job and haven't made a train wreck out of my life.  I'm so sorry that I'm independent. 

Are we to believe that if we have low self esteem and feel the need to build ourselves up in front of others, that we'll look attractive to others?  I don't buy it.     

What is the "something" they're giving off/putting out there?

Have any of my single readers heard this?  You ask the question, "How have they met someone already?"  Or, "How, while they were married/in a relationship, did they meet someone?"  Or, "How have they gone from relationship to relationship, without much single time in between?" 

For me, the almost universal answer has always been some variation of, "Well, they are obviously putting something out there that attracts that."  And it's never said to me in a way that indicates that's what I should be doing.  It's almost always said in a negative way, like those people are giving off something they shouldn't be.  And that what they're doing isn't healthy. 

Now, I totally agree with that.  Because, of the people I know who've recently cheated and found a relationship during/after divorce, almost instantly...I'd say they all are unhealthy. 

But here's my question.  WHAT is it they're giving off?  I mean, how am I not, to some degree, also giving that off?  I don't get it.  It really perplexes me.  To be clear, I technically don't want to be giving that "something" off, but I'd like to know what that looks like, I guess.

And that brings me back to this question.  Why the frick are they being rewarded with a relationship when they are unhealthy and should be working on themselves?  I don't get.  I don't claim to be completely emotionally healthy, none of us are.  But, I've been told by multiple people that I'm a very well adjusted, emotionally healthy person (especially considering the life experiences I've been through).  So, here I am, a fairly healthy (and normal) woman, WANTING to find a mate, but can't.  And here these other people are, NOT healthy and pretty messed up, and they've all found mates/new mates. And...they are seemingly happy.   

I don't get it. 

 

Family is insensitive and still pretty sucky...yay Christmas! *sarcasm*

Let's do a Christmas with family round-up, shall we?  Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one! 

Overall, it was sucky...unfortunately.  I tried to enjoy my time with my nieces and nephews, which isn't hard to do.  They're awesome. 

My one sibling who I've complained about a lot, was fairly jerky.  They get really annoyed any time I sing...no matter what.  Now, it's not like I walk around singing in full voice ALL THE TIME (and certainly, not in front of them).  First of all, I am a singer and actually can sing.  Second of all, I don't feel the need to show off or brag about it.  Most of the time I'm singing, I'm either at home or in the car, or singing at church, in a show, or before an event.

But, they still get annoyed.  So, their classic line when I happen to sing around them is (we'll just call me Sister), "Hey Sister, who sings this song?"  And then, if I happen to answer, they say, "Why don't you let them sing it then."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Oh my gosh, hilarious. 

So, when I was home, the kids were playing Just Dance and I was coming into the room.  I started singing along to whatever song was on.  When I say singing along, I mean it was barely audible and not AT ALL in full voice or any attention grabbing way.  It's what most people do when they sing along.  And then, they said it.  "Hey Sister, who sings this song?"  At that point, I'd pretty much had it with the whole long weekend, so I snapped at them.  "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how you HATE it when I sing, so I'll just shut up.  I get it!!!!!!!"  I did.  I said that.  Honestly, I don't know if anyone else even noticed.  But they just said, "Jeez, grumpy!!!!  Blah, blah, blah..."  Whatever, I didn't really pay attention.  I like how I'm the grumpy one...when they're the one who started it.  Dear.  God.

Let's shift to my other sibling, who lives out of state.  They made a really stupid (untrue) joke about me.  Now, that's fine.  We're a sarcastic, jokey, family.  So, it was funny.  At first.  But then, the joke just kept on going and kept being brought up...enough so, that the kids were even in on it and joining in. 

I'm not someone who enjoys being picked on.  Frankly, I don't like the attention.  And yes, I love how people like to say, "They only pick on you because you react.  If you just act like it doesn't bother you, they'll stop."  Um, yeah.  I know.  Got it.  But here's the thing...I had ignored it.  And it just kept going.  Even my mom sort of joined in.  Finally, I'd had it.  And I asked them to knock it off.

See, I like to joke around, too.  But, when the person I'm joking with/about asks me to stop or it's obvious they're upset...I STOP.  And I apologize, because I then feel terrible for taking it too far.

Apparently, not everyone does this.  I called one of my best friends to vent and told her about this stupid joke.  She didn't even understand it.  Because it was SO RIDICULOUS!  Anyway, we had planned to meet the next morning for coffee.  When she arrived, she said that my sibling had messaged her on FB and asked her to tell him if I brought up the joke.  She, being the good friend she is, played dumb and told him he was a freak.

Did you catch that?  My sibling was SO caught up in their stupid joke, they felt the need to bring it up to my friend and then ask her to tell them if I mentioned it?  Are you EFFING KIDDING ME? 

So, that happened. 

Let's see, what else?  Oh yeah, online dating somehow came up and my sibling, their spouse, and my mom managed to grill me and make me cry.  (Still not sure if they realized I shed a tear.  Or if they even care.) 

My in-law's sister is really nice and so I asked how she was doing.  She's also single, so I had asked if she was still dating this guy (last time I checked, she was).  Anyway, she's not.  So, the whole online dating thing sort of came up out of that.  Now, I'm not mad about that.  And they have NO IDEA that I'm even on any online dating sites at all.  Nor do I plan to tell them.  Ever. 

So, these 3 people, NONE of whom have EVER tried/done online dating, proceeded to sort of tell me why it's good, etc.  And what I should be doing.  When I pointed out many of the things I've recently said on this blog (no, they obviously don't know about this blog, either), they basically acted like it's SO much better than that.

First of all, they've NEVER done it.  So, really, I don't think they're in a position to give me advice about it.  Second of all, my in-law's sister has been online dating for YEARS, and she's still single.  So, it's fair to say that she's no further ahead in the marriage race than I am.  At most, she's gotten more free meals than I have.  And I'm ok with that. 

So, I was saying how much I really don't like online dating, when my sibling says, "What are your other options?"  Um, what?  Did you just say that out loud?  If online dating is the LAST/ONLY option I have left, then I'm going to accept being single as my life.  Are you kidding me?

I said, "Well, there are set-ups."  To which they said, "How many of those do you go on?"  I said that I'd been on a lot.  They said, "What's a lot?"  Again, are you effing kidding me?  I don't need to justify this to YOU.  So then I said something about how it's a bit unfair that I have to go the extra step of online dating when so many I know did NOT have to do that.  That's when my mom chimes in with this nugget.  "Oprah was complaining to Dr. Phil about her weight, and how it was unfair that so many other women could eat whatever they wanted and not gain weight.  Dr. Phil told her, 'But they're not you, are they?'"  Mom continued, "It doesn't matter if others didn't have to do the work, YOU do have to do the work." 
Thanks, Mom.  Thanks a lot.  That nugget coming from my mom was priceless.  This is a woman who married someone she didn't love, then got divorced, then chose to NOT date anyone after that (bit of a man hater), and is STILL bitter about the divorce (and ex-husband, who has passed away) over 30 years later.  She's not done a ton to change or improve her life.  So, you see, it's really shitty of her to make a comment like that to me.  Someone who had a tough childhood, paid her way through many things, including college, on her own, and is quite independent.

It was after that comment that a tear or two came out of my eye.  Honest to God, no one noticed that I was even remotely upset.  Or even cared.  I ended up running upstairs and vented to the one in-law I like. 

OK, moving on to the presents.  Remember, I buy for 5 kids (and my mom) and spend probably $30+ PER KID.  And the siblings/in-laws then bought gifts for Mom and me.  Mom cleaned up, got some good stuff.  My out of state sibling/in-law gave me one gift (from the list I gave).  Total of $20 spent.  Woohoo...don't go crazy, guys!  WOW!  The in state sibling/in-law did somewhat better.  I got a couple of things from the list I gave and then a couple I didn't, but totally liked.  Total of probably $35 spent.  So, after I spent nearly $200, including schlepping a ton of stuff back from fricking Australia, I am worth about $55.  And I'm sure they were irritated to even spend that.  And honestly, it's not about the money.  It's more about the fact that the out of state sibling/in-law couldn't click on something else?  Or buy something not from the list as a nice surprise?  Nothing?  Really?  And they shipped it to the in-state sibling's house...so packing it for the flight, was not the issue.  Just thoughtlessness. 

Also, I guess my expectations of them need to be severely lowered.  Do you know how many "thank yous" I heard from the kids' parents?  None.  Not one.  Not one, "Oh my gosh, you went to Australia and thought to buy/bring back cool gifts for our kids?  That is so nice!"  Not one, "Hey, thanks for the gifts, the kids love them."  Not one, "Hey, thanks."  Nothing.  Did I thank everyone for my gifts?  Yes.  Did I thank my sibling/in-law for hosting us for several days?  Yes. 

Honestly, I don't think it's asking too much for a simple thank you.  Of course the kids said thanks to me, which is great.  But I guess it would be nice for the parents to acknowledge my generosity in some way? 

What's funny is, my 9 year old niece was probably the only one who really appreciated it.  She's a total sweetheart.  One of the gifts I gave her was a framed photo from my trip, that she had admired.  I wasn't sure how it would go over with a 9 year old (a framed photo could be considered lame/no fun).  Anyway, she opened it, and got excited.  And then she said, "You remembered we talked about this!!!"  OMG.  I could have died right then.  To her, it made her feel good that I remembered our conversation and then thought to buy a gift, including it.  Thank goodness for her!

Basically, I feel (other than time with the kids) the time I spent there was wasted.  I'd rather not have wasted my hard earned vacation time for that.  Both siblings spent time with each other, chatting, working out, joking, watching sports.  I get it.  I realize I'm the odd one out.  But really...we were hardly ever in the same room...and the only times they spoke to me were to either be mean, make fun of me, or ask me to stop singing. 

Overall, I give Christmas 2013 a SUCK level of 10, on a scale of 1 to 10.  I'm going to hope that Christmas 2014 is much better.  We'll see.          

And the amazingness that is my family continues...

Well, Thanksgiving is nearly upon us.  I look forward to this holiday for a few reasons.  First and foremost, the food.  I love gorging myself on all that Thanksgiving goodness!  YUM!  And it's always nice to see family and hear the funny stuff the kids say. 

A few years ago, I offered to host/cook Thanksgiving dinner for my family.  This includes my sibling, in-law, their kids, and my mom.  I do everything.  EVERYTHING.  And I'm fine with that.  But it is a lot of work.  We always have a good time and the kids make everything great anyway.  The day usually starts at noon...we eat around 1...and everyone leaves around 5.  So, we're talking about 5 hours, people.  5.  Hours.

Early last week, I sent an email to the family, asking about Thanksgiving and if we were doing it again this year - saying that I was happy to host/cook again.  My mom and in-law wrote back right away, saying they were coming.  The NEXT day, my sibling replied saying that they needed to discuss it and that they'd get back to me by the end of the week.

They didn't.

So, I followed up yesterday, to everyone.  My sibling replied (only to me), "Hi, sorry about that. I will shoot you something before end of the week. Trying to decide, I am very stressed here at work and can’t decide if just chilling at home might be more relaxing! Thanks for offering to host."

Um, things are SO stressful for you that you can't imagine eating a FREE meal that you contribute NOTHING/NO WORK to and hanging out on the couch for 5 hours?  Really? 

I was thisclose to replying and saying, "Don't bother to come."  Because, really, if you haven't been able to make this crucial decision in the last two weeks, I'm pretty sure you're not planning to come.

My in-law said they'd come with the kids, even if my sibling didn't.  But, they've since responded that they'll do whatever my sibling does (which I understand).  And this affects my mom, too...as she doesn't drive more than 15 miles and doesn't have a reliable car.  So, if they don't come, no one comes.  And even if it was just my mom coming, I'm not fricking going to all that work and cooking all of that food for TWO people. 

I hate everyone. 

Let me also say that my sibling sent a VERY detailed email about Christmas to the family this week.  It detailed dates, how we're doing gifts, food, who is being picked up where, who is staying in what room, etc.  So...Christmas is fricking 6+ weeks away and they're able to commit to all of that?  But Thanksgiving is 2 weeks away and they just can't decide?  Seriously?

So...here's what I'm looking at in the next 6 weeks.  I'm looking at spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, AND Christmas Day ALONE.  Yep.  All by myself. 

And again, it's no one's fault that I'm single and don't have any kids.  I'm not saying that people need to make sure I've got somewhere to go.  But I find it kind of cruel that family doesn't even think of that. 

I'm not the perfect sibling, but I do so much for my nieces and nephews.  I'm a very involved aunt.  I show interest in my siblings' lives.  In general, I think I'm pretty nice.  And how do I get treated in return?  Like total crap. 

Choices...

Here's another thought I've had in the last few days.  And I'm sure I've said this on my blog before, somewhere. 

When married people with kids say things like, "Our baby only woke up once last night...so that's excitement in our lives."  (wink, wink)  And then talk about how they live vicariously through me...

Here's what I want to say.  First of all, I know they're trying to be nice and probably think they're being honest, on some level.  But here's the thing.  Married people (at least the ones I know) CHOSE to get married.  They CHOSE to have children.  Those were CHOICES.  So, I don't have a ton of sympathy for you that your kids woke you up in the middle of the night or that you can't go on the trips I take.  Sorry.  You kind of knew that would happen when you decided to HAVE children. 

My current life situation (single & childless)?  Well, that's not a choice of mine.  I did not CHOOSE this.  I did not say, "Hey, I would love to be single.  And kids?  Ick.  No, I don't want any of those."  If I'd said that...then I'd be living the dream right now. 

And stay at home moms - I think what you're doing is amazing and so important.  And I know (not from experience) that it's probably one of the hardest jobs anyone could ever have.  BUT, I still don't feel a ton of sympathy for you when you say you're "stuck" in the house.  Or when others say, "I hope she can come...I feel bad that she never leaves the house."  OK, again, that was a choice.  You CHOSE to stay at home with your children...so you sort of knew you'd be committed to spending quite a bit more time at home, especially when they're young. 

Getting married, I'm told, involves some discussion about where you see your lives going and how you want to spend them together.  Deciding to have kids involves conversations about when, how you'd raise them, and if one parent should stay at home with the kids. 

Again, I'm not evil.  I'm not saying that I have zero sympathy for frustating situations my married friends encounter.  We all have frustrating situations we deal with, and people should be sympathetic.  I guess I feel like some of their complaints are about things directly related to choices they made, while my complaints about being single have little or nothing to do with the choices I've made. 

And, my guess is, that they don't spend nearly as much time envying my life as I do envying theirs.  There's no way they sit at home saying, "Gosh, don't you wish we could have her life?  No kids.  Living alone.  No family memories to make.  Home by herself on Christmas."  I mean, it's doubtful. 

But, do I sometimes (ok, often) wish I had their situation?  Yes.  Happy/solid marriage.  Healthy kids who are frustrating at times, but more often than not, bring you joy.  Family memories/traditions made together.  Yeah.  I'd like all of those things. 

So, that is one of the things that annoys me most.  I didn't choose this, but it's my situation.  And it doesn't show any signs of changing. 

Really, married people? You're jealous of me? Really?

I'm a little sick of married people telling me how jealous they are of me and my exciting life. 

Yes, I've taken some pretty fun trips this year, with one amazing one.  I get it.  I get that they are unable to go on these trips, given the cost and the fact that they have young children. 

But, are they really living vicariously through me?  Really? 

I don't think so. 

I've heard this a lot lately.  And here's the thing.  I'm not constantly telling my married friends who have kids that I'm jealous of them.  (Yes, they're aware I want those things, but I don't constantly say it to them.) 

I know they aren't necessarily saying it to make me feel good or whatever.  But what I'd like to say back to them is, "Really?  You're jealous?  So, you want to trade places?  You'd rather be single and go on these trips (alone) than be married and have a beautiful family?" 

"Oh, ok.  You DON'T want to trade with me?  Got it." 

Because even if they are a bit jealous of my trips, I can almost 100% guarantee they do not want to trade lives with me.  They don't want to be single.  And they don't want to give up the amazing moments they've had with their kids.  Or the amazing memories they've made as a FAMILY. 

And let me just say right now that I'm aware their lives aren't perfect or without stress/issues.  I know. 

The truth is, I would trade ANY of the trips I've taken, if it meant I was married and had a family.  No trip, to me, would be worth more than having a family. 

I highly doubt my friends would trade their family lives for a trip to Australia. 

Hey married people, are you jealous of my single income and small house?  Are you jealous that I get to go through all major life decisions on my own, with no input from a spouse?  Are you jealous that I have no built in support system to help me through things?  Are you jealous that my life never changes, but yours does? 

No?  I don't get it.  Why EVER not? 

Bitter, party of one.  Yep, that's me. 

Hey World, do you HAVE to rub it in? All the time?

I guess it's been about a month since my last post.  I can't think of a good reason that I haven't posted much...other than my life hasn't been that exciting.  I did go to Vegas (for the first time) recently, which was fun. 

Anyway, back to the title of this post.  Do you ever feel like the world just can't help but rub it in that YOU are alone and that OTHERS are not?  Honestly, that's how I feel on a regular basis lately. 

It's not enough that nearly every single one of my friends is married with kids and building their dream home.  No, I have to be constantly surrounded by couples.  When I was in Australia, I saw several couples holding hands, looking all romantic.  My friend there is very happily married to her husband, so they are very affectionate (even after 10+ years).  I should also note that my friend has pretty much never been single in her life.  Ever. 

And there's a new group at church that someone volunteered me for.  I missed the first meeting, but showed up at the next one.  Guess what?  It's not a couples group...but everyone there (EXCEPT FOR ME) is married.  Fantastic.  That is great.  Wonderful. 

I went for a run yesterday in the gorgeous Fall weather.  And while I was enjoying my run, I hopped onto the trail for a bit.  I pass this young couple who are walking along...and then they start to hold hands...and then I think they even had a quick kiss.  Are you KIDDING me?  Must I be confronted with this everywhere I go?

Now, I'm not crazy.  I know it's no one's fault and these ridiculously happy, coupled people can't help themselves.  But seriously.  It is just too much to take.  They have NO idea what it is like to be in my shoes. 

And it gets to a point, where I feel excluded in most areas of my life.  My small group?  All married.  People I work with?  All married.  My friends (except for maybe one)?  All married.  New group at church?  All married. 

Another example?  I've got a group of friends from college and we go away for a weekend every year.  Anyway, every year, it's harder for me to want to go.  Because I'm the single one.  The ONLY single one.  Now, no one there makes me feel like a weirdo.  But they don't have to - I'm the odd ball.  Everyone is married, and has been married, and is showing pictures/talking about their kids and then talking about the new amazing house they're building.  Then there's me.  Um, still living in my small place, not dating anyone, certainly not married, and definitely no kids (and that prospect gets bleaker, the older I get).

And one of my friends who goes on that trip is always so sweet.  She wants me to go so badly.  And I know she's being honest when she says that she doesn't even think of it as a couple's trip.  The thing is, it's easy to not think of it that way when you and everyone else there is part of a couple (except for me).  If there were even two other people who were single, I wouldn't struggle as much with whether or not to go.  I hate that everyone else's lives change/progress every year, while mine remains the same.  (I've decided to go, by the way.  We'll see how I do.)  

It just sucks. 

And honestly, if I had zero desire to be married/have kids, none of this would be an issue.  But I do want those things.

So, I just feel like the whole "couple" thing is IN MY FACE lately, and it makes me want to scream.  It also makes me question what the frick I did to deserve this punishment?   

Reflections of a single girl...

Every once in a while, I take a moment and think about why I'm single.  I sometimes worry it's because of the dad I had (not fantastic).  I sometimes worry it's because I'm scared of a relationship (even though I want it).  Or I worry that I'm just no good at it. 

So, I dig back through the recesses of my mind and go through the various situations I've been involved with.  Granted, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships, but I've dated and been on many blind dates (most of them awful). 

Let's start with high school and college.  I can easily peg this one.  I was way too busy to have a boyfriend.  Oh, I wanted a boyfriend, but I can see why I wasn't approached.  I was involved in everything and busy all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I was a friendly gal, but I'm pretty sure the volume of stuff I was involved with might have been intimidating.  Add to that that I didn't truly have time to date someone...and you get your answer.  And I'm fine with that.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Now, sadly, my first real boyfriend came in my early 20s.  He was a co-worker at my summer job.  I had a HUGE crush on him instantly.  Because he was HOT!  And he was super nice and easy to talk to.  He was a couple years younger than me, too.  Anyway, as the days passed, I decided that I wanted to date him bad enough that I would ask him out.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a big deal.  I never ask guys out and the thought pretty much makes me want to vomit.  But, I really wanted to date this guy.  So, I eventually asked him out and he said yes.  We dated for probably 2 months after that.  And it was pretty smooth sailing.  We had fun.  I had some nerves, but they were the fun kind of nerves.  The kind where you are hoping he's going to call you to go out again.  And you're hoping you get to see him soon.  We even went to a friend of mine's wedding together!  He even called me "honey," which totally caught me off guard.

Another shocker, I could tell he was nervous to kiss me, but I was dying for him to do it.  So, when he dropped me off one night, I kissed him on the cheek - opening the door for him to kiss me on our next date.  And he did.   

The breakup was sort of a non-breakup.  He was supposed to meet me at my house to go to something.  Now, it was a family thing...and I was very clear that I'd love for him to come, but that I would totally understand if it was a little too much, too soon.  He committed to coming.  Well, my mom and I were ready to go and he wasn't at the house.  Ever.  When I called, his roommate said he was taking a nap.  Anyway, we eventually talked about it and I said, "If you didn't want to come, you could have just told me you didn't want to come.  Not a big deal."  And I would NOT have broken up with someone over that, seriously.  However, we sort of just faded out after that...     

I'm certainly not going to say that I made zero mistakes in that relationship, but overall, I think I was a pretty good girlfriend.  I was easy breezy, didn't hound him non-stop, or get upset about too many things.  It was easy.  And I'm sure he and I weren't meant to be.  That relationship's purpose may have been just to have a little fun over the summer - and I'm fine with that. 

But, what I took from that is that I'm capable of being IN a relationship and not being scared, nervous, or uncomfortable all the time.  It was natural.  And, by no means do I carry a torch for this guy, but I haven't really had that feeling since then.  There have been feelings close to it, but not quite.  Usually, I'm worried that the guy is going to kiss me (meaning I really don't want to kiss him). 

There was another guy, from college, who I sort of reconnected with a few years later.  I always thought he was a good guy...and very attractive.  Anyway, I emailed him and it started some back and forth.  His emails were so sweet that ALL of my friends were sure this guy was into me.  I mean, there was no misinterpreting it.  I even visited him (lives a few hours from me) when I was in town.  After a lot of emailing about whatever...NOTHING ever happened.  And that's fine.  But again, the point is that I initiated it and made the effort.  I didn't hide out and not do anything. 

Between post college and now, there have been A LOT of blind dates/setups.  And I'd say 95% were bad.  This will not surprise most of my readers, since some of you write blogs completely dedicated to the crapfest that is online dating/blind dating.

Let me also say, that it's entirely possible that I'm some other guy's "horrible blind date" story.  I'm ok with that.  Although, it's doubtful my behavior compares to what I've witnessed. 

I've had guys ask me how old I am 5 minutes into the date.  I've had guys tell me they can dance like Usher.  I've had guys brag about how they speed on the highway in their patrol car late at night.  I've had guys want to show me how they like to take their car and spin it around on the ice during the winter.  I've had guys take me to an old folks' breakfast place, for DINNER.  I've had guys not speak more than 10 words - the entire date.  I've had guys ask me out/plan a second date while we're still on our first date.  I've had guys talk about their horrible money problems - on the first date.   

And let me say, I'm very accommodating.  Even when I'm having a horrible time and I know it's not going to go any further, I'm still friendly and engaging while on the date.  This is good and bad.  It's good because I think it's the polite thing to do.  It's bad because it gives the guy the impression that you also had fun and that you'll go out with him again.  Then I'm put in the awkward position of turning the guy down when he asks for a second date.  Ugh.  So.  Awkward.

Again, not saying that I'm perfect or too good for any of these guys.  But, what I am saying is that most of my friends are shocked by the date stories I have.  None of them woud go out with these guys again, either.  So, I know I'm not crazy or "too picky."

So, when I put all of that together, I guess I feel like it's not necessarily my issue, but just an issue of me and whoever my guy is not having met yet.  Because, it's clear that I'm capable of initiating a relationship/date and keeping it.  It's clear I'm open to dates, because I've continued to go on one horrible blind date after the other. 

In a way, it puts my mind at ease.  In another way, it pi$$es me off that other people have found their mate and I haven't!     

     

Hello again! (Also, marriages are in trouble)

Alright, it's been a few months since I've posted.  I don't really have a great reason for that, other than being busy and not really having anything to post that I felt was blog worthy. 

But, I thought I'd share what seems to be happening to many of my friends right now.  I think I told you all about my friend who cheated on her husband and they are now still figuring out what the frick they're doing...while living separately.  (Honestly?  I don't think it's going to work out.  I think they'll reconcile, have a kid at some point, then ultimately divorce.  Sorry, I'm just pretty sure that's what'll happen.) 

Anyway, in recent months, even more of my friends are going through marital troubles.  I've got a friend who desperately wants children, but married a man who was clear from the get go that he didn't want kids.  It is now a big problem.  No clue what they're going to do about it. 

Another very close friend of mine has reached a bit of a breaking point with her husband's behaviors.  So, they are going to counseling and trying to work it out, but she's definitely said that she'd be fine with divorce if he doesn't shape up.  And trust me, HE is the one at fault in that sitch.  She's been nothing but patient and accepted less than what she deserves from him. 

Yet another friend just informed me that she and her husband are getting a divorce.  It's amicable, so that's good.  But I wasn't too surprised, since she's mentioned that to me in past years.  No cheating, just couldn't seem to make it work.

And last week, a friend of mine broke the news to me that she and her husband are having some pretty serious troubles, mostly with his addiction issues.  Now, it's not as if I thought she and her husband were perfectly happy and everything was rainbows, but the news totally caught me off guard. 

So, after that lengthy convo, it occurred to me that 5 good friends of mine are going through marital troubles.  I have a lot of friends (very lucky), but I feel like 5 is a pretty high number.  YIKES! 

This has caused me to do some (more) thinking about the topic of marriage. 

#1 - Perspective.  I've said it on this blog a million times, but it's true.  I'd say for 3 out of 5 of these marriages, I thought things were pretty solid.  Never perfect, of course, but a solid relationship.  And being a single chick on the outside of that, it's easy to be a little envious.  Now, finding out that things for most of these couples weren't rosy for a while, it makes me wonder if they have ever looked at my life and been envious.  I'd venture to say yes. 

#2 - Can a marriage really last?  I'm a child of divorce, so I know first hand that marriages don't always work out.  But, I guess I'm also a little idealistic and thought that it was possible for a marriage to be solid and last (even through ups and downs). 

#3 - With my friends having so many troubles in their marriages, is it possible for me to even meet/marry someone and be happily married?  Ever? 

#4 - Or, will it bode well for me if I get married later, because I'll have been independent for a while, really know myself, and really know what I want and what I don't? 

Ultimately, the whole thing just makes me sad.  Because, no matter how envious (never in a mean way) I've been of their marriages/life situations, I wouldn't wish the troubles they're having on them.  Ugh.  And, it makes me (in some ways) realize the good things in my life.  I'm not dealing with a ton of conflict or issues in relationships, most of the time.  So, I can go about my day and go out with friends or do whatever. 

Now, of course, I'd rather be happily married with some kids nagging me, but that's not happening.  So, until then, I'm able to have a pretty full life with minimal conflict. 

The hits just keep on comin'...

So...I had what I would call a horrible night last week.  And if I had to live through it, you, dear blog readers, have to hear about it.  :-) 

I worked all day at my job...then headed to my side job, which is usually a pretty easy thing.  But, we were super busy that night.  And it got to the point, where I was so cranky, I had zero desire to do anything but go home. 

Not so fast.  I had already committed to going to a dinner (related to this side job), right after we closed.  So...I rode along with a few friends...in the worst mood, wishing I wasn't going. 

Remember my friend?  People kept saying we should date?  Now, me, I definitely enjoy him and his friendship, but I had definite concerns about the age gap, his religious beliefs, his current career (still in school), etc.  So, I didn't really have my heart set on anything happening there.

Well, he was set up on a blind date recently...and guess what?  Things are working out perfectly.  All lovey dovey, unicorns, and rainbows.

I'm happy for him, I am.  But, when I'm being bomarded (feels that way) with pregnancy news, engagements, and now his new relationship - it's a bit much.

Anyway, about 2 seconds before going into the restaurant, I find out that he's bringing his new girlfriend, whom I've never met.  Oh, great.  Awesome.  (He confirmed to me that he was coming, but never mentioned he was bringing her - which irritates me a bit.) 

So, I'm in a horrible mood, definitely down on life, and now I have to deal with this?  Really? 

And...when we sat down, I had to sit across from him and his girlfriend.  Let's just say they are very touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, affectionate, PDA, etc.  Whoa. 

She is very friendly and outgoing, and I'm sure I will like her.  But in that moment, it was all too much to deal with.  I tried my best.

Let me insert here that I'm not upset that he's now dating someone - in the sense that I wish it were me.  I don't.  But...he dated a girl from high school, through most of his college years.  Then he was single...and he gets set up on ONE FRICKING BLIND DATE...and it's working out?  Do you know how many horrible setups I've been on?  TONS.  And how many have worked out?  ZERO.  And I'm 10 years older than he is.  I guess it feels a bit unfair to me. 

So, his girlfriend stepped away from our table for a bit and he asked how I was doing.  He's aware I'm going through some stuff right now.  So, I told him I was pretty much the same.  And his response was sort of a flippant, "I don't know what to say to you."  OMG.  I'm aware!  I'm aware you have NO CLUE what I'm going through right now.  You telling me that you don't know what to say only makes it worse.  Please don't say that.  So, I said, "I know you don't what to say..."  And he said, "What do you want me to say?"  OMG.  "Well, I don't want you to say anything." 

First of all, he KNOWS I'm going through something, so is that moment, at a dinner table with a group of people (many of whom I don't know), the best time to ask how I'm doing?  Secondly, he knows that I know he can't relate...so constantly saying, "I don't know what to say," is just horrible.  Just say, "I'm sorry you're going through this."  That's enough. 

So, I started tearing up at the table, and had to use a Kleenex to dab my eyes.  Ugh.  At one point, I excused myself to the bathroom...just to escape! 

I forgot to mention that my dinner was supposed to be paid for by the employer (drinks were on us).  So, the waitress brings me my bill and it's for the whole thing.  Great.  I've now spent $40 for this craptastic evening.  Awesome. 

My friend and his girlfriend had stepped out near the bar after dinner.  So, the owner calls my name, wanting to talk to me.  And she says, very excitedly, "So?  What did you think?"  And I was caught off guard.  "Of what?"  "Of his girlfriend?  Isn't she great?  I really like her!  I'm so happy for him!"  At this point, another female co-worker comes on the other side of me...and starts talking about them, too.  So, I'm now trapped between both of them, going ON and ON about the happy couple.  And then the owner proceeds to tell us how she was at a restaurant the week before, and saw them making out at their table...

Kill me.  Now. 

The night continued to drag on, and, eventually, we left...I was home just before 11pm.  Ugh. 

*The owner realized their mistake the next day and is going to reimburse me (and others) for their meals.  So, that's good.  Silver lining?  

I survived...

So...the friend who announced she was pregnant with #3 last week?  I already had plans with her (and her family) and a couple other married friends, for the weekend.  It included 3 couples, their kids, one other single gal (whom I know) and myself.  (We roomed together.)   

Do you know how badly I wanted to opt out of those plans?  I mean, I just had zero desire to go.  Wallowing in my own home sounded much more appealing. 

Now, yes, I could have cancelled.  But, I'm 99% sure my friend would have known that I was cancelling due to her announcement.  And I would feel pretty bad about that. 

So, yes, I was a bit of a martyr and went anyway.  My goal was to spend as much time with the kids as possible, and avoid any "OMG, you're pregnant!" conversations around my friend...of which there were many.

I had as much fun as I could have...considering the circumstances.  I did my best to put on a happy face.  And I did ask about her pregnancy, but not very much.  And, hopefully, I didn't avoid my friend (because I do love her to pieces), but I don't think I hung around her as much as I normally would have. 

We all ate dinner in one of the hotel rooms and that was fine. 

However, when I went to sleep in my own room...I found out that my roommate is a snorer.  Like, major snoring.  And the kids had decided to sleep in our room as well (which was fine).  Her snoring kept me up for most of the night, when all I wanted to do was fricking sleep. 

My friend (the pregnant one) texted me saying I could sleep in their room, if the snoring was keeping me up.  Our rooms were adjoining, and SHE could hear the snoring in their room!  So, I moved over to the open bed in their room and tried to get some sleep.
I'd say I maybe got 3 hours sleep? 

In short, I think I paid about $80 to listen to snoring and then not even sleep in the room I paid for.  Sounds about right...

Once we woke up in the morning, my friend started asking me about online dating, if I'd ever done it.  And then was asking about my church, if they had a singles program.

Now, this girl is a seriously good friend.  And I know she's being completely honest when she says it keeps her up at night wondering why I'm still single.

However, the LAST thing I want to discuss first thing in the morning, after getting 3 hours sleep, and being in a horribly depressed mood - is my dating (or lack thereof) life. 

Conversation eventually moved to her pregnancy and I casually excused myself to put my contacts in, change, go to the bathroom...  Eventually, I was all packed up and ready to hit the road.  I was trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

Everyone else hung around to go the park (part of the hotel)...while I got on the road. 

I've teared up several times in the last week - which has been the suck. 

And I'm still in the rut today.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't particularly want to see anyone.  And yet...I'm at work. 

A younger, male friend of mine...could tell (via text) that I wasn't in a great mood.  And when I told him why, he said, "Not sure what to say, really." 

Now, that's fine.  I don't expect him to have some magical answer.  But, for some reason, saying, "Not sure what to say, really," just sort of rubs me the wrong way.   

Keep in mind...he was recently set up on a blind date and it's all working out - rainbows and unicorns. 

How many blind dates have I been set up on?  Millions.  How many have worked out?  None.  Boo.  (Not begrudging him this new development...just frustrating that it doesn't work out for me.) 

Anyway, I'm still here.  Still feeling the suck of all of this.  And wishing I could crawl into a hole. 
 

Seriously?

Well...sometimes, when it rains...it pours.

Within the last two weeks, I've heard of 2 engagements, 1 baby about to be born (who was born today), and a very good friend just announced she's pregnant with baby #3. 

Too.  Much.

Honestly, I'm doing fine.  It's not like I dwell on the whole marriage/baby thing every day.  And I think there were many times in my life when that was a true statement. 

But, when I am bombarded by news about engagements, weddings, and babies...all within a short time?  I sort of lose it. 

Like yesterday.  I found myself crying.  Full on crying at my desk.  And of course the friend who is pregnant with baby #3 is perfect, and somehow sensed that I might take the news hard.  So she was kind enough to send an email to me, saying it's ok if I'm mad at her.  (For the record, I am not mad at her.) 

UGH!  I hate feeling like this.  I hate that seemingly everyone else around me gets to be married (hopefully happily) and have babies.  And for some reason, I've been left behind.  And I know these are my true desires, becuse who cries at an email?  If I was truly thrilled to be single and didn't want babies, her announcement wouldn't have phased me.  I would have congratulated her and went about my day.  (I did congratulate her, by the way...but she knows me too well, and knew I was upset.)

And who wants to be the person that is upset at someone else's good news?  That's just not who I am.  But the thing is, I look at my life, and I just don't think my married friends are like, "Oh, I wish I could do what she's doing."  But, I do look at their lives and wish I could even have a taste of that.  Of course, I know their lives are far from perfect, but still.  They have a partner and they have these great kids who bring them joy (and frustration, I'm sure). 

I just can't figure out why things seem to work out for some people and not for others.  What did I do to not deserve marriage and kids? 

And, while I do feel like I have a very full life, that will never take the place of marriage and kids. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  Hoping today is tear free, but no guarantee on that!

"Being single sucks"

So...my friends who are potentially getting a divorce are still trying to figure that all out.  I was talking to the husband the other night.  He moved into his own apartment a few months back, until they make a decision.

He's struggling with the "single" life and sometimes I just want to SHOUT at him.  Granted, he dated her in college and got married right out of college, and is now in his 30s.  But still...

I guess it's just that he's constantly complaining about being single.  And how hard it is.  And how he doesn't have social plans.  Or, he is at the bars every night and doesn't want to be.  Or, he keeps hanging out with some of his married friends and knows he can't do that all the time.

Um, HELLO???

I know I need to have some sympathy, but it's becoming more difficult.  Seriously, man, figure this shit out.  It's just NOT that hard.

Recently, he complained about being at the bar late on a week night.  And I asked him if he ever just stays in for the night.  Ya know, read a book, watch TV, or just BE.  He said he sometimes does that, but doesn't like it.  And then he says, "Being single sucks."

Yep, he, who has been married for a number of years, says to me, who has been single for a number of years, "Being single sucks."

Thanks.

I'm not saying I've never had that thought, or that I can't empathize.  But, dear God, he's been "single" (not really, since, technically he's still married) for about 8 months.  I've been single for a lot longer.  If he's struggling at 8 months, I have concerns.

Moreover, being single does NOT suck all the time.  YOU have to make your life the best it can be - regardless of the circumstances.  Honestly, of course I wish I were in a relationship right now, or already married and having kids.  But, I'm not.

This year has been truly fantastic, and I don't think I've spent much of it lamenting my single status.  Ya know why?  I've made the EFFORT to have fun, make plans, enjoy my solo time, and just be happy.  I'm not walking around complaining all the time.

If you can't just be by yourself in your apartment, I think that's a little weird.  Who needs to be out every night of the week?  Am I missing something?  Most nights for me include a workout after work, maybe an errand, working at one of my side jobs, dinner with a friend, or going home to eat dinner and watch a little TV.  Sometimes I have actual stuff like laundry or dishes to do.  I don't think this makes me pathetic.  It's called life.  My married friends are likely doing similar things during the week.

I guess I just find it interesting that for all the advice that's constantly pushed on me about what I should do (regarding my single status), that I have to listen to complaints from someone who isn't technically even single yet.

End rant.

Such the dilemma...

A friend and I were recently emailing about my single status, and she informed me she might have some potential set-ups for me.

Unfortunately, these men are all divorced...with kids.

Before you get all worked up into a tizzy, I've discussed this issue before.  Why not discuss it again, eh?  

Let's go back to when I was less cynical, younger, and actually thought I'd be married in my early 20s.  Oh, those were the days...

Back then, it never even occurred to me that I would marry someone who had already been married before. It definitely never occurred to me that I could marry someone with children.  I mean, seriously?

Those were the idealistic days where I thought I'd meet my future husband while at college.  And we'd date there...have tons of fun...and later marry, after graduation.  I'm sure a white picket fence was somewhere in our future as well.

OK, back to reality!

Over the years, I've had to relax a bit on my expectations of the person I will marry.

Exhibit A:  Divorce no longer bothers me.  Sometimes, marriages don't work out.  Now, if the issue is that he was a big cheater face...then I'm not remotely interested.  Sorry.  Oh yeah, if you've been divorced more than once, I'm probably out.  I come from a parent with multiple marriages/divorces, no thank you.  

It was a BIG deal for me to come to terms with this possibility.  Yeah, I still may marry someone who also hasn't been married before, but I'm also allowing myself the possibility that the man I marry may have a divorce under his belt.  And that's ok.

Now, being a tall girl, I really haven't relaxed too much on the height thing.  You can call it silly or whatever, but it's just way too big a pill for me to swallow.  I am just not attracted to a guy who is short or visibly shorter than I am.  I might add, there are likely many men who aren't attracted to me, because of my height.  I get it.  I'm fine with that.

Now, the reason for this post.  Potential set-ups who already have children.  Ugh.

Let me say that I absolutely LOVE children.  I love being an aunt and my friends' kids and I are best buds.  And I really want to have kids of my own someday.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent.  Or with already having kids and trying to navigate the dating world.  I can't imagine how tough that would be.  

My issue is that I just don't have a desire to be a stepmother or be in a blended family.  As I've said before, I have had stepmothers, and...ICK.  I know full well that I'd be a great stepmother to my spouse's children, but again, I just don't want to be in that position.  I don't want to deal with the ex-wife/mother (whether it's a good relationship or not).

Growing up with a broken family/home was not ideal.  While I've gotten over that, so to speak, it's still not what I want for MY family.  I just want my husband and I to create our own family.

So, I thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and politely asked if I could have some time to consider it (while conveying that it's not likely I'm up for the set-up).  She is awesome and handled it fine.  Love her!

Anyway, this recent conversation just reminds me that I'm not quite ready to give up on creating my own family someday.  And I don't think I should have to.

More perspective...

Early this year, I think I posted about gaining some perspective about a married friend whose husband wasn't too happy (though, you'd think his life was perfect).  And their marriage is struggling now.  It's been tough to watch.  

I have another friend who is having trouble in her marriage.  She wants something that he doesn't want.  (You can guess what that is.)

Anyway, it occurs to me that in both cases, the couples met in college, and married just after.  So, they were what...22 years old?  Now, I totally thought I'd meet my husband while at college and marry right after graduation.  Isn't that what you do?

When it didn't happen, I was disappointed, of course.  Partially because I was either in or going to all of my friends' weddings.  So, I was surrounded by what I didn't have for myself.

But, I realized at one point that I would have been a terrible girlfriend in college.  I was busy.  I was super involved, overbooked on classes, and running all over - all the time.  When did I think I had time for a boyfriend?  So, I got over being sad that it didn't happen in college.

However, then the years began to pass by...with several crappy dates among them.  And, none of them resulting in a relationship or marriage.  At this point, my friends were all having kids and I was now attending multiple baby showers.  Awesome.

Getting back to the point of this post.  While I think that my situation is crap and unfair, I have friends who are struggling in their marriages.  And they're asking themselves some pretty tough questions.  I'm sure they never thought they'd be in this place.  I'm also sure that I've thought they were "set" and had a perfect situation going, multiple times.

To be perfectly honest?  With what they're going through, I'm totally fine being single.  Because, my single-ness is a choice, to a degree.  I decided not to date some douchebag whom I don't really like, just for the sake of dating him.  I decided to stand my ground and know what I want and what I deserve in a husband.  Some people may call that picky, but I say it means I know myself.  And I know my worth.

This is not to say that my friends don't know their worth or that they married bad people.  It is to say, that when we meet someone when we're SO young and marry them right out of college - I'm not sure how well we really know ourselves?

I mean, if you marry right out of college, you miss out on some key stuff (in my opinion).

• Living on your own - NO roommate.  You learn how to be alone and with yourself.  If you can't spend a Sunday by yourself, I think something is wrong there.  
• Paying bills.  I am a firm believer in the experience of paying your own bills and doing a budget on your own.  I mean, what a great life skill!  I'm certainly no financial wizard, but I do feel good knowing that I can do it on my own.  (I'll gladly pass this off to my husband, if I ever get married!)  The point is, if I ever marry and, God forbid, end up alone again - I won't have that "Oh crap!" moment.  I'll know that I did it by myself before, so I can do it again.
• Being on your own.  Period.  I think you can learn so much about yourself when you have that time without a boyfriend/husband/spouse.  Of COURSE I want to meet that person and share my life with them.  But, I think there's value in the time I've spent on my own.  For example, I'm outgoing - so I know a lot of people in my community.  And that isn't because my husband introduced me, or I met people through kids activities...it's because I took the initiative to get out there and meet people (whether they were potential mates or not).  

I'm not saying I have figured this whole "single" thing out.  No way.  Not even close.  But I come back to the word perspective.

When I've thought my situation was total crap and everyone else had it made, I was wrong.  I'd rather be single and have a full life (which is what I feel I have), than be married and feel lonely or alone in that marriage; and not know a way out of it.

This isn't to say I've given up on being married.  Um, no way!  But I'm trying to widen my perspective to realize that just because people are married and things "seem" fantastic, they aren't always going that well.  

Sometimes, people don't think...

Remember the post about my friends who are potentially going through a divorce?  Well...that's still going on.  And while I'm no longer speaking to the woman (who was my friend to begin with), I'm still in contact with her husband.

I've been a sounding board and a friend, but I've never (for the most part) said anything negative about his wife/my friend or told him he should divorce her.  (Even though, that is what I do think he should do.)

Anyway, our contact in the last few months has been much more limited.  I've not inquired about the status of their relationship and just haven't heard much from him.  This is totally fine with me.  The more in the dark I am, the better.

But, he did call me this weekend...and sounded pretty down.  I guess they are "trying" to work their marriage out, but things still aren't going well.  From his perspective, he's putting in all the effort and she's not doing much.  Considering she's the cheater here, I guess one would hope she'd step up.

So, based on what he told me, I really don't understand why he wants to stay married to her.  I mean, doesn't that seem odd?  And yes, I realize it's a huge deal to get divorced.  I'm just saying that if she makes him feel like total crap...what's the attraction there?

Back to the title of this post.  He was talking about how his friends have good relationships/marriages and how their wives are so great.  And he says to ME..."Where's MY wife?  Where's MY good relationship?"  (Keep in mind, he's been with her since college and some of those years have been pretty happy.)

OK, I'm not trying to be a Sensitive Sally here...but really?  He's saying that to ME?  The woman in her mid-thirties who ISN'T married but would LIKE to be?  Really?  For realz?

I did call him out.  I said, "Hey, you don't have to tell me that.  Since, ya know, I would like to be married and have been wondering about where MY husband is for a while.  So, you're only gonna get SO much sympathy from me on that, Mister."

And then he made comments about how he's sick of being alone on the weekends or not having plans, etc.  I get it, I do.  He's USED to being in a marriage/relationship and this is all new.  But I'm a firm believer in people (married or single) being ABLE to be alone on a weekend or just with themselves for a time.  Is it that hard?  Really?

It's hard for me to feel bad about him not having plans on a Saturday night.  I've spent plenty of Saturday nights without plans.  And I'm surrounded by married people with kids...like, I have maybe 2 single friends.  I fill my weekends with races, a side job (that is fun), drinks with friends, etc.  And, if I have a day of the weekend where I'm at home, I'm honestly not upset about it.  Ya know why?  I have laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying, etc. to do!  I don't know that anyone's weekends are filled with non-stop fun, all the time.

Anyway, I feel like I've put up with a lot of insensitive comments from married people over the years.  And now, in this case, the shoe is on the other foot...and of course, I will bite my tongue.           

Ben #2 and other news...

Hello all...I know it's been a few weeks since my last post. Unfortunately, the night after my last post, a whole mess of stress came my way.

My dad went into the hospital unexpectedly. He passed away the following week. It's been a very difficult and stressful time. We buried him a few days before my birthday.

I'm still sorting through all of this and it will obviously be a difficult road ahead.

So, the night that this happened, I was out to dinner with Ben #2. Dinner was just ok, I could tell that I just wasn't feeling the interest anymore. Then, somehow, kids came up. I mentioned that I really enjoy kids and think they're great.

His reply? "I'm not sure I want to have kids. There's other stuff I want to do...I want to travel...Kids are messy..." Yah, those are direct quotes. Now, I have no judgment about him not wanting kids or not being sure whether he wants kids. However, being that I'm in my 30s and 6 years older, I don't have that same luxury. I know I want kids, no doubt about it. I may not get to have them, but that's not the same thing. Side note: When I think about kids, the first word that comes to mind isn't "messy." Nope, it's not even in my top ten...even though I know they are messy.

It was at this point in the date that I made it clear that I do want to have kids (normally I wouldn't be gung ho about that early on, but because of his statements, I thought I should just say it). By the end of the evening, I think we both felt that things were "off" a bit. He asked if I wanted to keep hanging out, and I said we could go out again.

Truth be told, I wanted to give it another shot, but I sort of felt like this had run it's course.

Then, my dad went into the hospital...and my life has been upside down/sideways for the last 3 weeks (and will likely continue to be). Now, he did text/call a few times during that, but for some reason, he didn't check the site we posted updates to. So, he didn't realize my dad had passed for 5 days! I'm not penalizing him for this, but you'd think (if he's interested) he'd check the site and keep up (like all of my other friends/family).

He sent me a message on FB letting me know he just found out and that he was sorry. I replied with a sort of generic thank you message, thanking him for his sympathy, and letting him know it was a rough couple of weeks.

In my mind, that was sort of the end of our little "thing."

Cut to last night...when my phone rang and it was him. He left me a VM about wanting to chat, etc. Again, I can't penalize him for his effort, but the timing is just really bad. I'm having a hard time making simple decisions right now, I'm grieving, I'm sad. And the last thing I want to worry about is calling/going out with a guy that I was pretty sure I wasn't interested in before all of this happened.

So, now I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I've posted this to all of you before - about whether you can blow off via email/FB/whatever. I'm in my 30s (as previously stated) and I don't want to be a total immature jerk about this. The thing is, Ben #2 and I went on a few dates, so I feel he deserves a phone call. However, I'm so not able to deal with any of this right now. I just don't know what to do (again, the whole "can't make decisions" thing).

As always, I welcome your thoughts/opinions, even if they include that you think I'm nuts!

UPDATE: Ben #2 sent me a text while I was home for lunch. He was basically asking if he should stop calling me so I don't have to have the awkward conversation with him. I appreciate his direct-ness (because he was right). However, I mean, it had been less than 24 hours since he called...it's not like it had been 4 days. But, whatever. Anyway, my plan was that I'd call him tonight to explain, but then he texted me. So...

I replied to his text, letting him know that the timing isn't right and that I need time to work through the stuff I'm going through. So that is that.

Oh, you can still offer your opinions...go right on ahead!

How fast is too fast?

OK, we've now passed official date #2 with "Ben." The date went well and I had a good time. We finished it off by watching a movie at his house. Before your dirty minds go anywhere...it was all good clean fun. But, he is definitely moving things along. (We saw each other Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.)

So, when I got home...I had this weird feeling of, "Do I like him?" That sent me into a stress spiral for the rest of the weekend.

For all intents and purposes, this guy is doing everything right. I mean, he's a lot of the things I've always said I wanted in a person. And, I do like that he is those things.

But, I'm trying to figure out if it's moving too quickly? Because, I went from being excited that he's texting me...to not sure whether I like him.

Granted, we still hardly know each other. So, I definitely want to continue to get to know him and see what happens. But, I also want to figure out what my "deal" is!

I think I'm under a lot of pressure (unintentional) from friends. I can't tell you how many people ask about it...and then get overly girly excited. It's too much for me. I find it odd that they freak out more than I do! So, part of me feels like I'm going to be "in trouble" or "too picky" if it doesn't work out.

I know I need to just listen to myself and trust my own heart. But, I don't want to miss out on a great guy because I'm scared. I also don't want to force myself to date someone that just isn't a match (for whatever reason).

I am very independent and I haven't really ever had a serious relationship. My guess is that these are big contributors of my little panic attack. I'm sure my mind is thinking, "Really? This fast? So unexpected..."

So, for now, I'm going to keep seeing where this goes. And maybe, as he and I get to know one another better, I can just tell him that I need it to move slowly.

Any advice from my fellow bloggers would be much appreciated!!!