You have GOT to be kidding me...

It's obvious I'm in a crap mood...so I apologize for all the rants.

I am SO TIRED of people doing shitty things and then seemingly being rewarded.  I'm certainly not perfect, but nothing seems to work out for me.  And I have numerous examples of people I know getting rewarded for their immoral behavior.

Exhibit A:  a friend of mine (who I've distanced myself from) has been in an unhappy marriage for a while. She married a guy who didn't want kids, and she thought he'd change his mind.  She wants kids badly.  Well, in my opinion, her husband was honest about that and it's not really his fault.  She shouldn't have expected that he'd change his mind on such a big topic.  But, I realize we all make mistakes or are naive about things.

Anyway, I found out late last year that she sexted a manager from where we work and invited him to her place, where they did the deed.  She doesn't know that I know, which leaves me in a crap position. However, she does know what I went through with my other cheater friend who lied and kept things from me...and how upset that made me.  So, when she continued to play the victim with me, knowing what she'd done, that really pissed me off.  She's not once come forward about what she did.  

Furthermore, it was rumored that she was fooling around with someone affiliated with our company.  I never perpetuated the rumor, but it was widespread.

Whenever she's texted me, I've always replied in a friendly manner, but we haven't had much contact in the last several months.

Let me fast forward to today.

I get an email from a co-worker to a few of us, asking if we should plan a baby shower for her before she moves away.

I should also say that AS I was reading this email (which my friend isn't included on), I got a text from this friend, saying, "Hello...I hope you're doing well...I miss you...would love to get together."

Um, WHAT?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

So, I replied in shock (to the email), saying I didn't know anything.  Then I texted the co-worker and she gave me more information.  She's 27 weeks along...and the father is that guy affiliated with our company. She's moving in with him.

Let me get this straight.  She's unhappy in her marriage.  She cheats on her husband (and I think got away with it).  She has an affair, while married, with a guy tied to our company.  And then she gets pregnant and gets to end up with said guy?  I think they'll get married, once her divorce is final.

Are you kidding me?  I mean, seriously.

So, while I'm not perfect, I've not cheated on anyone, had affairs, or anything even close to that stuff.  And guess what?  I'm not remotely close to being pregnant or moving in with anyone.

I don't understand.  And I'm a believing Christian.  But right now...that faith is dwindling.  For some reason, I'm being punished.

Bad mood continues!  I hate everything.

Single mom? No.

I was talking to a close friend the other night, who knows me inside and out.  And I was saying that the suck of my current situation is that I can't really change it and MAKE things happen.

She said, "Well, you could have a baby!" 

Just like that.  Like, it's the easiest thing on the planet.  Just do that.  Go have a baby. 

OH wait...  I'd have to file paperwork to adopt...come up with the money to adopt...get approved to adopt...  OR I could get artificially inseminated...come up with the money for that...pick a donor...

And once I have the baby (adopted or insemination), apparently it'll be easy to raise him/her on my own, without a spouse. 

OK.

I'm sure you sensed my sarcasm there. 

I've talked about my thoughts on this before.

I have zero desire to be a single mom.  I won't even get a dog, because I know I can't take care of it myself - I need to know someone else can help. 

I guess it really frustrates me that people act like it's the easiest thing to do - just adopt or make a baby.  I'm sorry, but it's NOT that simple!  And I'm not going to go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt, on my own, to have a baby to raise, on my own!  That just isn't appealing!

Not to mention that if I have a baby on my own, that will be a permanent reminder to me that I had to do it on my own...because I couldn't fricking meet someone to have a baby with.  Ugh.   

OK, I'm done shouting.  Just needed to get that off my chest.  Thank you. 

Seriously?

Well...sometimes, when it rains...it pours.

Within the last two weeks, I've heard of 2 engagements, 1 baby about to be born (who was born today), and a very good friend just announced she's pregnant with baby #3. 

Too.  Much.

Honestly, I'm doing fine.  It's not like I dwell on the whole marriage/baby thing every day.  And I think there were many times in my life when that was a true statement. 

But, when I am bombarded by news about engagements, weddings, and babies...all within a short time?  I sort of lose it. 

Like yesterday.  I found myself crying.  Full on crying at my desk.  And of course the friend who is pregnant with baby #3 is perfect, and somehow sensed that I might take the news hard.  So she was kind enough to send an email to me, saying it's ok if I'm mad at her.  (For the record, I am not mad at her.) 

UGH!  I hate feeling like this.  I hate that seemingly everyone else around me gets to be married (hopefully happily) and have babies.  And for some reason, I've been left behind.  And I know these are my true desires, becuse who cries at an email?  If I was truly thrilled to be single and didn't want babies, her announcement wouldn't have phased me.  I would have congratulated her and went about my day.  (I did congratulate her, by the way...but she knows me too well, and knew I was upset.)

And who wants to be the person that is upset at someone else's good news?  That's just not who I am.  But the thing is, I look at my life, and I just don't think my married friends are like, "Oh, I wish I could do what she's doing."  But, I do look at their lives and wish I could even have a taste of that.  Of course, I know their lives are far from perfect, but still.  They have a partner and they have these great kids who bring them joy (and frustration, I'm sure). 

I just can't figure out why things seem to work out for some people and not for others.  What did I do to not deserve marriage and kids? 

And, while I do feel like I have a very full life, that will never take the place of marriage and kids. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  Hoping today is tear free, but no guarantee on that!

Am I at that age YET?

Recently, a friend called me to discuss a potential set-up. The guy was a good friend of hers and she wanted to scope out the potential. He's in his 40s (I have no issue with that - I'm trying to expand horizons), divorced, sounds nice, amicable divorce, etc.

Then she hits me with this. He's got FOUR kids. FOUR. All young.

As I spit out my drink...I regrouped.

Now, I have no problem with this guy having had kids already. I get it. He was married, they started a family...then the marriage failed. So, I'm not saying he's damaged goods. I've already accepted that the guy I (hopefully) meet and marry will likely have already been married once. That's just the odds.

But, do I have to accept that I'm going to be a stepmother? I'm still in my low 30s (ish) and I guess I thought I still had the option to meet/marry someone who hasn't yet had kids?

My friend (who is awesome) and I ended up having a very lengthy discussion about it. She could see where I was coming from, but I think she wanted me to entertain the idea.

I've said this before on this blog, but I'll state it again. I've had stepmothers...and they were both bad (for various reasons). While I know I'd make every effort to be a good stepmother, I don't have the desire to be one. When kids are involved, there is a forever link to the former spouse...and potential drama.

I'm aware my marriage/family will have a drama all it's own, but I'm just not up for additional issues. This is also, by the way, assuming a guy in his 40s with 4 kids wants to have MORE kids. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't (I wouldn't).

My family was broken when I was very young, and is still fairly broken to this day. My dream has always been to have my own family. I'm not claiming my family will be perfect, but it will be a big step up from what I grew up with. And, for me, that starts with having our own family unit (no step-parents/step-kids).

I'm aware this might sound jerky, but that's not my intention. I just think 4 kids is a LOT to walk into. And I'd rather be up front than go out with the guy and lead him on.

So, I choose to believe that I still have a few years before I have to throw in the towel and give up on motherhood (even though it's creeping closer to not happening every day). I choose to believe that there are plenty of single men out there (around my age) who also haven't yet had kids.

Am I crazy to believe that it could still happen?

Baby Talk

So, I'm obviously still in this funk...which I don't expect to come out of soon.

A few friends have actually suggested/posed this: "Would you consider adopting or having a baby on your own?"

Let me first say - NO. I would not.

Do I think women who do that are incredible? Yes. Do I have respect for them? Yes. Do I want to join their club? No.

Let me list the reasons that this is an avenue I won't be pursuing:

1. The adoption and/or insemination processes are not free. They don't just "give" you a baby. It takes time and is fairly expensive, from what I've heard from friends.
2. Um, I make an ok salary, but it would be highly difficult to raise a child on.
3. Having a kid by myself would only be a further reminder that I do NOT have a husband. I'd be reminded on a daily basis, that I had this kid, because I just couldn't find someone to have one with.
4. I grew up in a single parent home, raised my mom. She did the best she could, but I do NOT want that for my child/children. I want (if at all possible) for my kids to grow up with both parents (hopefully happily married). *I'm not saying women who choose this option to raise a child alone are going to mess up their kids. I'm only saying how I feel about it.
5. While I think it's great that women have this as an option in today's world, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be "that" woman. There, I've said it.
6. Even though I want to have kids, I'm pretty averse to dating someone who already has children. Weird, I know! The reason is this - I've had two not so great stepmothers. While I know I'd be a good one, I'm just not super pumped about being one. (I realize the chances of me meeting someone without kids, at my age, are decreasing daily.) So, I'd totally understand if I met a guy and he was like, "Wait, you have a kid...on your own? Um, see ya." Point being, I think it could potentially make dating even more difficult.

Those are my immediate thoughts when someone suggests I obtain a child somehow. I'm sure there are those would argue that if I really want to be a mom...I'll do anything. But, the truth is, I don't want to be a mom, that way. I would really like to do it the "old fashioned way" if at all possible.

Anyone else have this dilemma? What are your thoughts?