Hello all...I know it's been a few weeks since my last post. Unfortunately, the night after my last post, a whole mess of stress came my way.
My dad went into the hospital unexpectedly. He passed away the following week. It's been a very difficult and stressful time. We buried him a few days before my birthday.
I'm still sorting through all of this and it will obviously be a difficult road ahead.
So, the night that this happened, I was out to dinner with Ben #2. Dinner was just ok, I could tell that I just wasn't feeling the interest anymore. Then, somehow, kids came up. I mentioned that I really enjoy kids and think they're great.
His reply? "I'm not sure I want to have kids. There's other stuff I want to do...I want to travel...Kids are messy..." Yah, those are direct quotes. Now, I have no judgment about him not wanting kids or not being sure whether he wants kids. However, being that I'm in my 30s and 6 years older, I don't have that same luxury. I know I want kids, no doubt about it. I may not get to have them, but that's not the same thing. Side note: When I think about kids, the first word that comes to mind isn't "messy." Nope, it's not even in my top ten...even though I know they are messy.
It was at this point in the date that I made it clear that I do want to have kids (normally I wouldn't be gung ho about that early on, but because of his statements, I thought I should just say it). By the end of the evening, I think we both felt that things were "off" a bit. He asked if I wanted to keep hanging out, and I said we could go out again.
Truth be told, I wanted to give it another shot, but I sort of felt like this had run it's course.
Then, my dad went into the hospital...and my life has been upside down/sideways for the last 3 weeks (and will likely continue to be). Now, he did text/call a few times during that, but for some reason, he didn't check the site we posted updates to. So, he didn't realize my dad had passed for 5 days! I'm not penalizing him for this, but you'd think (if he's interested) he'd check the site and keep up (like all of my other friends/family).
He sent me a message on FB letting me know he just found out and that he was sorry. I replied with a sort of generic thank you message, thanking him for his sympathy, and letting him know it was a rough couple of weeks.
In my mind, that was sort of the end of our little "thing."
Cut to last night...when my phone rang and it was him. He left me a VM about wanting to chat, etc. Again, I can't penalize him for his effort, but the timing is just really bad. I'm having a hard time making simple decisions right now, I'm grieving, I'm sad. And the last thing I want to worry about is calling/going out with a guy that I was pretty sure I wasn't interested in before all of this happened.
So, now I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I've posted this to all of you before - about whether you can blow off via email/FB/whatever. I'm in my 30s (as previously stated) and I don't want to be a total immature jerk about this. The thing is, Ben #2 and I went on a few dates, so I feel he deserves a phone call. However, I'm so not able to deal with any of this right now. I just don't know what to do (again, the whole "can't make decisions" thing).
As always, I welcome your thoughts/opinions, even if they include that you think I'm nuts!
UPDATE: Ben #2 sent me a text while I was home for lunch. He was basically asking if he should stop calling me so I don't have to have the awkward conversation with him. I appreciate his direct-ness (because he was right). However, I mean, it had been less than 24 hours since he called...it's not like it had been 4 days. But, whatever. Anyway, my plan was that I'd call him tonight to explain, but then he texted me. So...
I replied to his text, letting him know that the timing isn't right and that I need time to work through the stuff I'm going through. So that is that.
Oh, you can still offer your opinions...go right on ahead!
7 months ago
That's a hard one as like you I just lost my Dad, so things are a bit hard to face. Normally I would say it's rude to text such a thing, but under these circumstances, I'd do the same. So feel no guilt about it.
ReplyDeleteTake care. I think I know what you are going through.
I agree with Contented Single. This is a hard time for you and it's OK to only do things you think you can cope with.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you shouldn't sweat the small stuff, coping with your sadness and grief should really take priority. Hope you are hanging in their OK and dealing with your grief. My experience has been that it can feel overwhelming, sometimes even the little things can in fact, and you should remember to be very gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you.
I'm very sorry to hear about your dad's passing.
ReplyDeleteAlthough not a fan of the text message 'breakup', since he sent you a text asking, then it was totally acceptable. I'm too big a weenie to do the phone call thing though, so I have opted for an overly expressive and rambling e-mail every now and again.
Take care of yourself.
I think you probably know you didn't handle this in the best way; that's why you're asking for advice. Although I'm not usually a hard-liner, I can't validate this one. I just posted about this on my blog (http://www.thespinsterliciouslife.com/2011/02/love-in-time-of-texts.html). Texting is never a nice way to end things...unless you find the person disgusting. Then it doesn't matter, but I don't think that was the case here.
ReplyDeleteThanks, all for your comments. Even if you disagree with how I handled it, I appreciate hearing all sides!
ReplyDeleteI hope everyone knows, that I would for sure NOT have sent a text if he and I were in a relationship. As it was, we'd only had a few dates. I'm not saying that makes it ok, but I do think that's different than a relationship.
Also, I just couldn't imagine texting him back that I'd be calling him or ignoring his text, then calling. Only to tell him that I didn't want to see him.
Either way, I have to believe that if I were truly interested, I'd have pursued it.
Moving on and hopefully forward.