Recently, a friend called me to discuss a potential set-up. The guy was a good friend of hers and she wanted to scope out the potential. He's in his 40s (I have no issue with that - I'm trying to expand horizons), divorced, sounds nice, amicable divorce, etc.
Then she hits me with this. He's got FOUR kids. FOUR. All young.
As I spit out my drink...I regrouped.
Now, I have no problem with this guy having had kids already. I get it. He was married, they started a family...then the marriage failed. So, I'm not saying he's damaged goods. I've already accepted that the guy I (hopefully) meet and marry will likely have already been married once. That's just the odds.
But, do I have to accept that I'm going to be a stepmother? I'm still in my low 30s (ish) and I guess I thought I still had the option to meet/marry someone who hasn't yet had kids?
My friend (who is awesome) and I ended up having a very lengthy discussion about it. She could see where I was coming from, but I think she wanted me to entertain the idea.
I've said this before on this blog, but I'll state it again. I've had stepmothers...and they were both bad (for various reasons). While I know I'd make every effort to be a good stepmother, I don't have the desire to be one. When kids are involved, there is a forever link to the former spouse...and potential drama.
I'm aware my marriage/family will have a drama all it's own, but I'm just not up for additional issues. This is also, by the way, assuming a guy in his 40s with 4 kids wants to have MORE kids. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't (I wouldn't).
My family was broken when I was very young, and is still fairly broken to this day. My dream has always been to have my own family. I'm not claiming my family will be perfect, but it will be a big step up from what I grew up with. And, for me, that starts with having our own family unit (no step-parents/step-kids).
I'm aware this might sound jerky, but that's not my intention. I just think 4 kids is a LOT to walk into. And I'd rather be up front than go out with the guy and lead him on.
So, I choose to believe that I still have a few years before I have to throw in the towel and give up on motherhood (even though it's creeping closer to not happening every day). I choose to believe that there are plenty of single men out there (around my age) who also haven't yet had kids.
Am I crazy to believe that it could still happen?
3 months ago
it sure would be scary. i have a couple of male friends with that many kids and they have certainly found it more of a challenge to repartner. they say the women either want more (and the don't) or really don't want any.
ReplyDeleteAt the other end I know MANY guys in their late 30s early 40s yet to have children and hoping to meet someone to do that with. the problem is they want a 30 year old - which I am not - or one with no kids at all - nope not me either.
Good on you for having that boundary - for what it's worth, I think you're right to stick to it.
Thank you, SME! Appreciate your comments - and coming from a single who DOES have children. I think your assessment is spot on - they have them and the girl doesn't...or they want them and the girl already has them. Ugh, timing - right? You can just send those single guys in their late 30s (who want kids) my way. :-)
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI've passed forty and still don't want to date a man with kids. That leaves me with some interesting choices though: men with mental issues, the wild creatives (who I do love but it's difficult to establish relationships with them), and perhaps some sane men who just didn't want to have kids (but I did when I was younger). I'm blogging about these types of issues here: thebitterbabe.wordpress.com