More perspective...

Early this year, I think I posted about gaining some perspective about a married friend whose husband wasn't too happy (though, you'd think his life was perfect).  And their marriage is struggling now.  It's been tough to watch.  

I have another friend who is having trouble in her marriage.  She wants something that he doesn't want.  (You can guess what that is.)

Anyway, it occurs to me that in both cases, the couples met in college, and married just after.  So, they were what...22 years old?  Now, I totally thought I'd meet my husband while at college and marry right after graduation.  Isn't that what you do?

When it didn't happen, I was disappointed, of course.  Partially because I was either in or going to all of my friends' weddings.  So, I was surrounded by what I didn't have for myself.

But, I realized at one point that I would have been a terrible girlfriend in college.  I was busy.  I was super involved, overbooked on classes, and running all over - all the time.  When did I think I had time for a boyfriend?  So, I got over being sad that it didn't happen in college.

However, then the years began to pass by...with several crappy dates among them.  And, none of them resulting in a relationship or marriage.  At this point, my friends were all having kids and I was now attending multiple baby showers.  Awesome.

Getting back to the point of this post.  While I think that my situation is crap and unfair, I have friends who are struggling in their marriages.  And they're asking themselves some pretty tough questions.  I'm sure they never thought they'd be in this place.  I'm also sure that I've thought they were "set" and had a perfect situation going, multiple times.

To be perfectly honest?  With what they're going through, I'm totally fine being single.  Because, my single-ness is a choice, to a degree.  I decided not to date some douchebag whom I don't really like, just for the sake of dating him.  I decided to stand my ground and know what I want and what I deserve in a husband.  Some people may call that picky, but I say it means I know myself.  And I know my worth.

This is not to say that my friends don't know their worth or that they married bad people.  It is to say, that when we meet someone when we're SO young and marry them right out of college - I'm not sure how well we really know ourselves?

I mean, if you marry right out of college, you miss out on some key stuff (in my opinion).

• Living on your own - NO roommate.  You learn how to be alone and with yourself.  If you can't spend a Sunday by yourself, I think something is wrong there.  
• Paying bills.  I am a firm believer in the experience of paying your own bills and doing a budget on your own.  I mean, what a great life skill!  I'm certainly no financial wizard, but I do feel good knowing that I can do it on my own.  (I'll gladly pass this off to my husband, if I ever get married!)  The point is, if I ever marry and, God forbid, end up alone again - I won't have that "Oh crap!" moment.  I'll know that I did it by myself before, so I can do it again.
• Being on your own.  Period.  I think you can learn so much about yourself when you have that time without a boyfriend/husband/spouse.  Of COURSE I want to meet that person and share my life with them.  But, I think there's value in the time I've spent on my own.  For example, I'm outgoing - so I know a lot of people in my community.  And that isn't because my husband introduced me, or I met people through kids activities...it's because I took the initiative to get out there and meet people (whether they were potential mates or not).  

I'm not saying I have figured this whole "single" thing out.  No way.  Not even close.  But I come back to the word perspective.

When I've thought my situation was total crap and everyone else had it made, I was wrong.  I'd rather be single and have a full life (which is what I feel I have), than be married and feel lonely or alone in that marriage; and not know a way out of it.

This isn't to say I've given up on being married.  Um, no way!  But I'm trying to widen my perspective to realize that just because people are married and things "seem" fantastic, they aren't always going that well.  

Why Online Dating is Dumb

If any of my readers didn't already know it...let me say it again.  I absolutely hate online dating.  I think it's horrible and unnatural.  If YOU have found love that way, I am happy for you (really).  But, I have never gotten the appeal and therefore, have only given it 20% effort on multiple sites.

Just off the top of my head, here are some things I hate about it:

1)  If you want a somewhat reputable site (but still no guarantee that you'll meet the love of your life), you are required to PAY for it.  And hey, I get it.  They're providing a service.  So, you must pay.  But, at least when I pay my cable bill, I'm guaranteed I'll have a million cable channels/shows to watch.  If the cable goes out...I call them and typically, they will credit you for the outage.  With online dating...if you don't meet anyone...um, they have your money.  And you're no better off.

2)  I think I've said this before in another post.  But let me say it again.  Many people don't post pictures with their online dating profiles.  This, is ridiculous.  If I met you in a bar, at the coffee shop, or just out at Target - I'd see your face!  Duh!  So, to hide online is dumb.  I don't even reply to people who don't have a profile pic.

2a)  People post out of date, more flattering pics of themselves, that look nothing like they do now.  OK, eventually, you might meet the person you're communicating with.  Wouldn't it be best to post a current pic of yourself?

2b)  Guys who post pics of their bare chests will not get responses from me.  I don't even know how this even seems like a good idea?!?!  I'm certainly not posting pics of me in my sports bra...just so they can see "the goods."  What's wrong with posting a pic of yourself, fully clothed, and looking good?

3)  Guys who don't seem to READ my profile.  I specifically select my religious denomination on my profile. To take it a step further, I talk about my faith in my profile description.  I don't go into crazy detail or anything, but still.  It's clear when you read my profile that I'm looking for someone who shares a belief in God.  And yet, that doesn't stop every single guy who has selected "non-religious" or "atheist" as their religion, from contacting me and wanting to get together.  They clearly aren't even reading my profile!  Duh!  I have no problem with anyone being non-religious or atheist, but it's not what I'm looking for in a potential mate.  I even had a guy message me saying, "I don't know how religious you are, but I'm not really into that."  Um, ok... 

4)  OMG - the lame messages must stop!  I'm only "using" one free site right now and after the last few messages I received, I will be signing off.  (Side note:  I abhor profiles and/or messages with poor grammar and spelling.  Hoping my "dream" guy can spell and speak properly.)  I find there are two types of messages with these sites.

Message #1:  "How's it going?" or "Nice pic."  And then, that's it.  I guess I'd prefer a bit more "meat" to the message...ya know, since we don't know each other?  Yes, I could respond, "It's going well."  And then where would we be?

Message #2:  OK, I'm not even going to type what these messages are, because they are DIRTY!  OMG - so horrible.  I don't even know how to describe them, but I'd say I've gotten maybe 5 horrifically dirty, naughty messages.  One of which I received over the weekend.  ICK.  I'm sure they don't expect a reply, but seriously?  What is the point?  So disgusting and unnecessary.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to bore you TOO much.  Online dating rarely gives me hope that I'll meet someone, but actually makes me feel like there are even more jerks/losers/weirdos out there - which is depressing.   

Sometimes, people don't think...

Remember the post about my friends who are potentially going through a divorce?  Well...that's still going on.  And while I'm no longer speaking to the woman (who was my friend to begin with), I'm still in contact with her husband.

I've been a sounding board and a friend, but I've never (for the most part) said anything negative about his wife/my friend or told him he should divorce her.  (Even though, that is what I do think he should do.)

Anyway, our contact in the last few months has been much more limited.  I've not inquired about the status of their relationship and just haven't heard much from him.  This is totally fine with me.  The more in the dark I am, the better.

But, he did call me this weekend...and sounded pretty down.  I guess they are "trying" to work their marriage out, but things still aren't going well.  From his perspective, he's putting in all the effort and she's not doing much.  Considering she's the cheater here, I guess one would hope she'd step up.

So, based on what he told me, I really don't understand why he wants to stay married to her.  I mean, doesn't that seem odd?  And yes, I realize it's a huge deal to get divorced.  I'm just saying that if she makes him feel like total crap...what's the attraction there?

Back to the title of this post.  He was talking about how his friends have good relationships/marriages and how their wives are so great.  And he says to ME..."Where's MY wife?  Where's MY good relationship?"  (Keep in mind, he's been with her since college and some of those years have been pretty happy.)

OK, I'm not trying to be a Sensitive Sally here...but really?  He's saying that to ME?  The woman in her mid-thirties who ISN'T married but would LIKE to be?  Really?  For realz?

I did call him out.  I said, "Hey, you don't have to tell me that.  Since, ya know, I would like to be married and have been wondering about where MY husband is for a while.  So, you're only gonna get SO much sympathy from me on that, Mister."

And then he made comments about how he's sick of being alone on the weekends or not having plans, etc.  I get it, I do.  He's USED to being in a marriage/relationship and this is all new.  But I'm a firm believer in people (married or single) being ABLE to be alone on a weekend or just with themselves for a time.  Is it that hard?  Really?

It's hard for me to feel bad about him not having plans on a Saturday night.  I've spent plenty of Saturday nights without plans.  And I'm surrounded by married people with kids...like, I have maybe 2 single friends.  I fill my weekends with races, a side job (that is fun), drinks with friends, etc.  And, if I have a day of the weekend where I'm at home, I'm honestly not upset about it.  Ya know why?  I have laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying, etc. to do!  I don't know that anyone's weekends are filled with non-stop fun, all the time.

Anyway, I feel like I've put up with a lot of insensitive comments from married people over the years.  And now, in this case, the shoe is on the other foot...and of course, I will bite my tongue.           

Breathe and Realize

So, I ran a half marathon this weekend.  And, I was fairly nervous about it. 

Now, I'm no elite runner, so it's not like my nerves had to do with trying to win prize money.  But, I do have a marathon in a little over a month...and I had just taken the entire week OFF from running. 

Why, you might ask?  Well, I've got an injury.  It's super annoying, painful, and annoying - yes, I know I said that twice.  I'm going to physical therapy for it and also doing the stretches/exercises he recommends.  But, the whole thing is just frustrating, when all I want to do is run. 

So, when I woke up the morning of the race, I just thought, "Nope, I don't feel like doing this today.  Nuh uh.  Not gonna go well."  But, I got my butt out of bed and headed to the race anyway.  I did a very short warmup jog and decided that that would have to do. 

And honestly, I really thought the race would be a train wreck, with me finishing 40+ minutes slower than my normal times.  And that is fine...really.  But, I just didn't WANT to be out there that long and in pain, struggling to finish. 

So, after my warmup, I said a little prayer.  And it went something like this:

Dear God, please let me run smart today.  Let me know when I need to stop/quit, if necessary, and when I need to slow down and take it easy.  Let me run how I feel.  Let me remember that my ability to run is a GIFT.  That this injury is TEMPORARY, and not permanent like so many others face every day of their lives.  Let me remember that I can run - even with this injury, which is fortunate.  Let me enjoy the day and utilize this run as a stress reliever and a reminder of how blessed I am with good health. 

With that prayer, I felt more relaxed and the anxiety level took a dive.  The race started and I turned on my pop tunes.  I felt good.  I felt strong.  And I just ran however my body was telling me to run.  The first half was fairly fast.  I slowed down a bit for the second half, but still felt pretty good. 

I finished about 4 minutes slower than my previous PR.  And I'm pleased.  I had taken a week off from running, I have an injury, and I even snuck in a few short walk breaks.  So, I'm happy with how it went.

The biggest takeaway is that prayer.  It centered me and it truly reminded me about how I'm fortunate to even be able to do this.  To run.  So what if a race doesn't go well...or I have a minor injury (that will eventually heal)?  I'm healthy.  And there are so many who don't have that luxury. 

Always good to remember the positives in our lives...even if there's sucky stuff going on.     

Oh yeah, this is real...

So...in the last 2 days, 2 different people have informed me that these are, in fact, a real thing - on shelves now.  CRAP! 

WHY, oh why can't the Cadbury Egg people keep these eggs to their original season...Easter?  I struggle enough once a year.  Not to mention all the other crap I eat.  I'm 99% certain there were Cadbury Creme "Ornaments" at Christmas last year.  Not good, folks.  Not good. 

I have not had one of these yet, but I'm sure I'll try one (and ignore the green insides).  So much for trying to drop a few pounds before my next marathon... 

Where's my handyman?

I had a teeny tiny "why me" moment last night. 

I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and then left the bathroom.  I came back in a few minutes later, and it was still running.  And then I heard/saw leaking from the handle.  Yep, the tank was filling too high and basically overflowing.  So, water was all over the place and I was frantically grabbing towels to soak it up. 

Yes, I know the first thing to do is turn the water off.  But, due to my panic, no matter which way I turned that knob...NOTHING happened!  After a few minutes, I finally got the water to the toilet turned off and finished drying up my flooded river on the bathroom tile. 

Here's the thing, I wouldn't say my dad was super handy.  But, the FIRST person I wanted to call was my dad.  I mean, that's just a dad thing.  I would have called him and he would have talked me through a few things and then I would have dealt with it further today.  But, I couldn't call my dad.  So, that bummed me out a little. 

And then I had the "why am I single/it's not fair" moment.  I mean, I'm aware that I could be married to a guy who has no handyman skills whatsoever, but at least he'd be there...or I could call him.  Or something...rather than dealing with it all by myself.  I was heading somewhere and trying to rush anyway, so this put a crimp in my plans. 

I would have loved to have said, "Honey...do you have this under control?  I'm going to go, but will be back later."  Or, "Honey!  The toilet is leaking...what do I do?" 

I'm fortunate to have a good friend who volunteered her very kind dad to come take a look and fix it.  So, if all goes well, it will be in working order tonight.  Phew.  So, I'm counting my blessings there, as a plumber or me Googling how to fix would be much more expensive/dangerous. 

Anyway, it's those little moments in life where the single thing can get me down.  Again, I"m aware that my future mate may not have been able to do anything more than I did...but we'd be IN the mess TOGETHER! 

Rude question...

A few weeks ago, I was at the gym, getting in my treadmill run.  A former co-worker and her husband came in.  I haven't seen them in a while, so it was good to say hello.  Her husband was on the treadmill next to me and we ended up chatting for most of our run. 

While it was good to catch up on their family/life and find out what was going on, I ended up being a little annoyed.  Because, as we were talking, he asks - "Are you dating someone?" 

Seriously? 

Here's what I've decided.  THAT is a rude question to ask.  It just is.  By asking that question, you're insinuating the following:

• It's not ok to be single.  There's something wrong with you.  I mean, if you aren't DATING someone...what EVER will you do? 
• If I answer that I'm not dating someone...it's now awkward for both of us.  I am supposed to feel bad and you just get to enjoy the awkward silence.
• If I answer that I am dating someone, then you're going to ask me all sorts of details about it - and I may not really want to share that with you. 
• And then you'll probably ask if I'm going to marry this person, etc.

I don't ever ask married people how their marriages are going.  Ya know why?  It is inappropriate to ask that question.  And it would put them in a potentially awkward situation.  Why doesn't this occur to people? 
Now, I know this guy wasn't trying to be rude, and was probably just curious.  But still...he shouldn't have asked that.  And he (and his wife) know me well enough to know that I would LIKE to be dating/married/have kids.  So, asking me that - knowing that the answer might be NO - is not wise.  Because, if I were dating someone, I'm 99% certain I'd volunteer that to you. 

I had another epiphany as a result of this little situation.  THIS is exactly why single people feel bad about being single.  Don't ask my why it took me this long to figure out. 

But here's the thing.  Yes, I want to date and get married and eventually have children (sooner than later).  BUT, it's not necessarily because everyone else has that.  It's because I truly WANT those things to happen in my life.

While being single isn't my choice, it IS where I'm at right now in my life.  So, I'm trying to make the most of my life and have fun.  2012 has been fantastic so far...and that's had nothing to do with dating. 

So, when married people ask me if I'm dating or whatever - it makes ME feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  When, there are tons of people in the world who CHOOSE to be single - which is great.  It puts an undue pressure on me (whether intentional or not).

If I'm dating someone seriously, believe me, I will shout it from the rooftops.  Until then, please don't ask me if I'm dating.  Thank you.