Alone-ness

A fellow blogger was inspired by another blogger's post, and wrote this post. Her post reiterated some thoughts I was having before I went to bed last night. Actually, I've had these thoughts thousands of times, but they were really hitting me last night.

One of the worst things people say to a single person is - "You have to be ok with yourself, before you can meet someone and fall in love." (there are many variations on this, but this is the main idea)

Here are my thoughts on that:

1) So, are we to assume that if you married your high school sweetheart, that you were A-ok with yourself in...high school? Really? You knew all there was to know about yourself and were ready to share your life with someone else? Doubtful.

2) What makes you think that I'm NOT ok with myself? I've had periods of my life where I was very insecure about multiple things. But, I'd say I've been pretty ok with myself for several years. Honestly. It's not that I think I'm perfect with no issues, it's that I've learned to accept who I am and not beat myself up for every little thing. I've learned to find the positives in things I used to perceive as horrific flaws.

3) If you've never been single a day in your life...how do you know you'd be ok with yourself, on your own? You don't know...because you've never HAD to stop and figure it out. You just got on the couples roller coaster and haven't gotten off.

4) I have married friends who have admitted they don't like being alone. They know they can barely handle a night at home alone without their spouse. I think that's a problem. Honestly, if you can't be alone for a minute (ie: a night or two), then what the heck is your deal? You can't figure out a way to entertain yourself? You're that dependent on the other person? And, if you're terrified of being alone...shouldn't you have had to go through a period of "being single" to figure out the issues behind that? Why did YOU get to get married? How does that work?

Bottom line: No one is ever 100% ok with themselves when they go into a relationship. We all have flaws and issues, and that's ok. Hopefully, our spouse helps us see those issues and we can work on them together. (This is my assumption...being that I'm not married!)

If I wasn't able to figure out life on my own, as a single...then yah, I think you should have to do that before getting married. But, so many people don't. I have friends who would admit they'd be screwed if they lost their spouse. And I'm the one who's still single? Really?

I'm proud of my independence, in many ways. I never had someone show me how to budget, when I got my first job out of college. I did that myself. I've made big purchases, by myself. I've bought a house, cars, etc. - without the help of a spouse. I've moved into and out of numerous places. I've been to my father's funeral, with no "built in" support system. I've been unemployed (no spousal income) twice...and bounced back, figuring it out on my own.

As much as being single can sadden me, sometimes I do realize how much I'm capable of because I've been single for so long.

Side note: I was at a meeting last night, where everyone in the group is married - except for me. So, the committee leader was discussing who should go to these upcoming dinners and he says, "I thought committee people could pick a night to come...and come with their spouse. Or (looking at me) come on their own." Seriously, to be called out like that (it happens a lot). Wow. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

Random Thoughts...

OK, I've confided in a few close friends about the funk I'm in. Some are good about just listening and agreeing, and others are problem solvers. They immediately have a suggestion for what I could/should do, or what could cheer me up, or something that will fix the situation. While I appreciate ALL of my friends, I could use a little less problem solving.

My pet peeve is when someone offers a solution/advice on something they themselves have never dealt with. Honestly, I can't stand it. I'm a listener. You tell me what you're going through, I listen and offer comfort. Then, I might ask how you're feeling about it and discuss options. Rarely, if I've not been through that experience, will I suggest what to do. You know why? Because I DON'T KNOW what to do...I've never had that particular problem.

In this case, 99.9% of my friends are married with children or about to have children. The same percentage has never been single more than half a day in their lives. So...I don't know that they can really offer sound advice on what I'm feeling/going through. Conversely, I can't offer them a lot of marital/parenting advice. So, I don't.

One of the many things I've loved about single blogger world, is all of you readers. Many of you can relate/identify with how I feel or something I'm dealing with. And THAT, my friends, is a huge relief. You help validate me, in a world (my world) where I'm not validated very often.

Aside from the suggestion for me to adopt/have a baby, there are other suggestions.

Counseling: While I'm not at all against counseling, I don't see it as an option right now (maybe someday). My frustration is that my life isn't where I'd like it to be. Discussing that with a counselor won't really change anything. It's not like I don't have a good job, home, outside activities, etc. One friend said, "The counselor might be able to make you feel better about your situation." Honestly? Um, I don't WANT to feel better about the fact that I'm single and childless. Because if I ever feel better about that, then that means I've decided either to give up on that or that I just don't want those things.

Move away: I've lived in a few major cities in different states (from where I currently live) and I live in a pretty big city right now. I can name two specific times in my life when I took a chance and accepted the new job offer, and moved. The first time, I was harrassed at the new job. And the second time, the job didn't pay what was promised. Both times, I ended up unemployed and looking for work. So, I'm a little gun shy about picking up my life and moving somewhere, where I don't know anyone, the job may not work out, and I may or may not meet "the one." I think that's an awful lot of risk. And, I've done a lot of big things in life on my own. I guess I'm just sort of exhausted. I'm not averse to moving out of my current city. But, doing it alone? And going through all of that again? I just don't know. (I'm aware there are no guarantees in life.)

Here's the thing. If I turned down every blind date or setup and then complained about being single, I could understand someone saying, "You really should take a chance and go on some of those dates." But seriously, I've BEEN on those dates. To the point where I want to cry because the person was so weird/not my type. I've been on the e-date sites as well. I'm not a wallflower either. I'm very outgoing and active in my church and community. Because of this, it's surprising I've not met someone somehow.

So, it's frustrating to think that I have to pick up my life and move (by myself) to some random city/state, in the HOPES of MAYBE meeting someone to date and then someday, maybe, marry. It's especially frustrating to think of that when I know so many who met their mates in high school, college, or through a setup. They get to meet them that way and I have to go through all this work, at 34 years old? At the risk of sounding like a whiny kid - "No fair!"

And really, I'm sure that suggestion (moving) sounds great. But, does anyone think it's THAT simple? Moving is a big deal. Moving when you're single is a HUGE deal. You make all the decisions and arrangements, you do the packing, you do the loading (hopefully with the help of friends), you sell your home, you, you, you, you. I've moved enough to know...it's not that fun.

I also like when married friends suggest I meet other single girls and befriend them. Now, I've sort of done this, via my blog. But, in "real" world, my friends, as I mentioned earlier, are married. Let me just say, I have a crap ton of friends. I mean, a lot. I'm not bragging, I'm just blessed. So, it's not all that appealing that in addition to finding a single man...I need to try to find single women to be friends with...so that we can go trolling for single men and discuss being single.

Married people clearly don't realize the work involved here. Doesn't this all just sound too hard? Or am I just lazy/too tired of the bullcrap?

Bottom line? I'm incredibly appreciative of ALL my friends. Really, I am. But, the lesson I've learned (and that I'd like to impart to all people) is this. If you don't know what to say, don't say ANYTHING. Seriously, it's totally ok to say, "Yeah, it sucks that you have to go through this, and I'm so sorry you're sad." Or, "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry." I'd prefer either of those over instant solutions to my problem(s).

Baby Talk

So, I'm obviously still in this funk...which I don't expect to come out of soon.

A few friends have actually suggested/posed this: "Would you consider adopting or having a baby on your own?"

Let me first say - NO. I would not.

Do I think women who do that are incredible? Yes. Do I have respect for them? Yes. Do I want to join their club? No.

Let me list the reasons that this is an avenue I won't be pursuing:

1. The adoption and/or insemination processes are not free. They don't just "give" you a baby. It takes time and is fairly expensive, from what I've heard from friends.
2. Um, I make an ok salary, but it would be highly difficult to raise a child on.
3. Having a kid by myself would only be a further reminder that I do NOT have a husband. I'd be reminded on a daily basis, that I had this kid, because I just couldn't find someone to have one with.
4. I grew up in a single parent home, raised my mom. She did the best she could, but I do NOT want that for my child/children. I want (if at all possible) for my kids to grow up with both parents (hopefully happily married). *I'm not saying women who choose this option to raise a child alone are going to mess up their kids. I'm only saying how I feel about it.
5. While I think it's great that women have this as an option in today's world, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be "that" woman. There, I've said it.
6. Even though I want to have kids, I'm pretty averse to dating someone who already has children. Weird, I know! The reason is this - I've had two not so great stepmothers. While I know I'd be a good one, I'm just not super pumped about being one. (I realize the chances of me meeting someone without kids, at my age, are decreasing daily.) So, I'd totally understand if I met a guy and he was like, "Wait, you have a kid...on your own? Um, see ya." Point being, I think it could potentially make dating even more difficult.

Those are my immediate thoughts when someone suggests I obtain a child somehow. I'm sure there are those would argue that if I really want to be a mom...I'll do anything. But, the truth is, I don't want to be a mom, that way. I would really like to do it the "old fashioned way" if at all possible.

Anyone else have this dilemma? What are your thoughts?

Why do men love these women?

So, last night, I caught a new Bravo reality show, "Pregnant In Heels." If you've not heard of it, here's the premise. Rosie Pope is basically a maternity concierge to the uber rich in NYC. She caters to whatever issues they're having, pending Baby's arrival. Many of them are first time moms, though not all.

Last night's episode brought us Mina and another lady, can't remember her name. Anyway, I can't believe either one of them found someone who would date them, let alone marry them or reproduce.

Let's start with Mina - she doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't DO anything (thank goodness she has a home office, though). Her hubby is the breadwinner and I'm really not sure what she does with her time. Their dog isn't even housebroken, he pees INSIDE, on a mat. What??? Her baby is due in one week and the nursery isn't close to being finished, and they don't even have a stroller/car seat. By the way, the baby's linens are coming in from London, but are currently stuck in customs. OK...

She says they'll have a part-time nanny and she doesn't plan to change any diapers. Really? Seriously? I have to pinch myself, as I don't believe this is a real human being. Does she also plan to NOT do anything else for her child? What's the point of having a baby? One more thing, she's never held a baby. When Rosie gives her a real baby to hold, she looks incredibly awkward.

Now to the other lady - she does work, but is emphatic about not ever cleaning OR cooking, EVER. She pretty much always gets her way, too. Also, her husband's Jewish and she's Catholic, and they can't agree on how to raise the baby. They had a non-religious wedding, since neither of them are super religious. But apparently, with a baby, they are NOW religious? Anyway, she went so far as to say it wouldn't bother her if her husband didn't attend the baptism. WOW. I don't know where they came out on that, as I turned the channel. Side note: Rosie arrived at this lady's house (without her knowing) and made a huge baby mess in the living room. It was a drill and this lady was failing. She was sweating and so stressed out cleaning up the mess. Um, THAT will become reality soon, lady!

My thoughts on the whole thing? CRAZY TOWN! Here I am, perfectly pumped to have kids and I pretty much know (in general) what I'm doing. I can't believe these women! They were both fairly rude and bratty with their husbands. Is this what men want? A woman who treats them like dirt and uses them for their money? Because, ewwww.

Also, how do you reach adulthood, NEVER having held a baby. Not once? What is that? How do you date someone and never discuss children and the impact of your differing religions on that issue? For example, I'm a strong Christian. So, if I'm on a date with a guy who mentions he's an athiest. Well, there isn't likely going to be a date #2. Sorry. I have nothing against athiests, but if he is one, then that's a clear sign we disagree on a pretty major thing.

Now, don't take any of this to mean that I think the woman should take on the role of "little wife at home, cooking dinner, raising the kids." I'm not saying that. But, I think these women are horrible examples of women. I think men and women can share home responsibilities, for sure. But, to say you aren't going to cook or clean, EVER - is just not realistic. I don't like to cook, and I think most people don't enjoy cleaning, but they DO it. Duh.

Anyway, the whole thing just irritated me. I sit here pining for marriage and kids, while these women clearly don't appreciate what they have. Worse, they think they deserve the lives they have. I'm not sure why...

Things just aren't working out...

Do you ever feel like things just aren't meant to "work out" for you? Like, everyone else's lives will move forward and be relatively happy...but not yours?

I took some vacation time last week and tried out for something. Now, since I'm a little anonymous, I won't go into too much detail. Let's just say I have a talent and I decided to go for it and give this a whirl.

The day before my trip, I got sick. We're talking horrible cold, neverending snot, congestion, I don't ever want to get out of bed, sick. And here I had to still get going on my "vacation."

I made the drive and felt miserable the whole time. As I'm driving, I realize the cold is taking over my voice...which is what I was going to need for this little audition. Right there, I thought, "God hates me." Because, seriously, I can't even remember the last time I was sick or had a cold. Not a clue...which means it was a long time ago.

Now, these types of things are always a long shot, but I will admit that somewhere down deep, I thought I had a shot. I waited in the lines (in the rain/cold) and got in. I auditioned. It didn't work out.

Now, while others would cry right then and there, I honestly don't think I had the energy. I felt so sick and light headed, that I was almost numb. I headed back to where I was staying.

I am now back home, still sick, and in a pretty crappy mood. Is it too much to ask for just ONE thing to go my way? And yes, I realize I'm blessed in many ways (especially on a global level). But, I'm just saying.

I've watched 99% of my friends marry and, now, have families. I've watched them progress in their jobs, go on wonderful vacations, and make exciting plans. They've done all of that while my life seems stagnant. Oh, I've gone on bad date after bad date after bad date...and have nothing to show for it (other than entertaining stories they all love).

I will be 35 next year and that is just not good. I thought my life would be so different and I'm starting to feel like THIS, is it. And THIS, is just not that great, in my opinion. I refuse to be that woman who says, "Well, I just accepted that I was single and all of a sudden life was magical."

Anyway, I'm definitely in a funk and I don't think I'll be popping out of it any time soon.

Phone Etiquette

OK, I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I feel the need to discuss.

Is it just me, or do many married people have horrible phone etiquette? Maybe my old age and many years of single-dom have jaded me, but wow. I'm losing all kinds of patience for how people are on the phone.

For instance, when a married friend calls me. If I'm free at that moment, of course I pick up and chat. The conversation will be going great, no issues. But then, 8 minutes in, this friend's husband (of many years) calls (not for anything urgent/life threatening). She's now got to "cut me short" and take his call. What IS that? Why am I being cut short when she's the one who called me?

The best part? Then the friend calls back, after talking to her husband. (like I'm just sitting around waiting for her call) I'm sorry, but I just think this is plain rude. It's happened with multiple friends, too. I can understand, if we've been on the phone for an hour or whatever, but a few minutes? And I'd also understand if it was a new guy they were dating. But, neither apply to this scenario.

There have been plenty of times when a friend has called me and we've had a good chat. And maybe I'd like to end the call, but don't want to be rude. I don't interrupt them and say I've got to "cut them short" or say, "OK, well, our dinner's ready...so I've got to go." Or, "well my husband's home, gotta go."

I'm sorry, but I just think this is rude. Yes, I said it again. I don't have a built in way to "let someone go" on the phone, nor would I ever do that. You see and talk to your husband EVERY day. You can spare 30 minutes on the phone, or whatever. I can't imagine cutting a friend off when someone else beeps in (unless I was expecting a call or something). That is why they invented call waiting, voicemail, & texting!

Also, if you know you don't have much time to chat. DON'T call someone! I hate when someone calls me and opens with, "I'm almost home, but wanted to call..." Nope, don't bother.

OK, just had to get that off my chest. Now I feel better. Does this happen to any of you? Or am I just plain crazy?

Sucky

Hello everyone! I know, it's been a while since my last post. I guess I haven't felt super motivated for much, including blogging. But, hopefully I can get back in the swing.

So, I'm now pretty much recovered from my minor surgery. And, I've started running again. I was getting a little stir crazy the last few weeks, so I'm thrilled to be running again. When I run, I feel like myself. I can think things through, I can zone out, I can sweat, I can burn off aggression/frustration. These are all things I wanted to do when I was laid up, but couldn't.

It's been over two months since my dad passed. Obviously, I'm still pretty early in the grieving process. My siblings and I had a complicated relationship with our dad (he wasn't around much when we were kids). So, I feel like I'm grieving the fact that we didn't really get much time with him. Period. And that, is unfair. It's unfair that he wasn't a great dad (when he should have been) and that once he decided to improve, we only got a few years of that.

I know, the positive people out there will say - "at least he made some improvements." But, come on, if your dad missed your childhood, would you be that pumped about a few years in your adult life? Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm working through that and just letting myself feel whatever I do. Right now, I'm in the "anger" phase, if anyone's tracking.

OK, dating.

Yah, I'm not dating. And here's my current thought on the whole thing. RIP OFF! I commented on a fellow blogger's post today, saying this. I feel a decision has been made for me, without my consent. Someone has decided that I will either be single/childless and/or have to struggle so hard to actually meet "the one" that I'll just give up out of fatigue. I go back to the word I mentioned earlier - UNFAIR.

I think back on all the stuff I've gone through in life WITHOUT that built in support of a boyfriend/husband. And, to top it off, I got to attend my dad's funeral, sitting with my siblings...and their families. For all intents and purposes, I was alone.

There was no husband there, putting his arm around me, hugging me, telling me it'll be alright. Nope. Believe me, that would have been great, both at the funeral and during the days at the hospital.

And if one more person comments on how "strong" I am (not talking to you, bloggers/readers), I'll lose it. If God is trying to make me the strongest person ever, then I'm not ready for whatever else He's throwing my way. I'm not THAT strong...lay off!

It's so frustrating to want something and to put the effort in (going on dates), but see no results. I don't even see it happening any time soon. And, since I do want children, I feel like time is running out.

Now, do I realize how whiny I sound? Yes. In a world where an earthquake/tsunami ROCKED Japan, where there is starvation, children suffering, AIDS, etc. I'm aware. I'm aware that my teeny problem of not wanting to be single isn't the end of the world.

But, in the same breath, how come all of MY friends have husbands/families...and didn't seem to go through 1/4 of the work I do, in terms of number of dates, weirdos, etc.?

These are the things that keep me up at night...crazy though it might be.