Well...sometimes, when it rains...it pours.
Within the last two weeks, I've heard of 2 engagements, 1 baby about to be born (who was born today), and a very good friend just announced she's pregnant with baby #3.
Too. Much.
Honestly, I'm doing fine. It's not like I dwell on the whole marriage/baby thing every day. And I think there were many times in my life when that was a true statement.
But, when I am bombarded by news about engagements, weddings, and babies...all within a short time? I sort of lose it.
Like yesterday. I found myself crying. Full on crying at my desk. And of course the friend who is pregnant with baby #3 is perfect, and somehow sensed that I might take the news hard. So she was kind enough to send an email to me, saying it's ok if I'm mad at her. (For the record, I am not mad at her.)
UGH! I hate feeling like this. I hate that seemingly everyone else around me gets to be married (hopefully happily) and have babies. And for some reason, I've been left behind. And I know these are my true desires, becuse who cries at an email? If I was truly thrilled to be single and didn't want babies, her announcement wouldn't have phased me. I would have congratulated her and went about my day. (I did congratulate her, by the way...but she knows me too well, and knew I was upset.)
And who wants to be the person that is upset at someone else's good news? That's just not who I am. But the thing is, I look at my life, and I just don't think my married friends are like, "Oh, I wish I could do what she's doing." But, I do look at their lives and wish I could even have a taste of that. Of course, I know their lives are far from perfect, but still. They have a partner and they have these great kids who bring them joy (and frustration, I'm sure).
I just can't figure out why things seem to work out for some people and not for others. What did I do to not deserve marriage and kids?
And, while I do feel like I have a very full life, that will never take the place of marriage and kids.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. Hoping today is tear free, but no guarantee on that!
7 months ago
Yeah, I was in tears this past weekend hanging out with my best friend and her mother...talking about how I am almost 38 and still single and no where near being married or having kids (discussed the financial difficulties of having and raising a kid on your own). And I know my best friend loves me as much as I love her and feels my pain. But she is married, has a 4 year old and is preggo with #3. (Last year, however, was a nightmare for her as she gave birth to a stillborn, #2)
ReplyDeleteUgh! I'm sorry to hear that you were recently in tears, too! It's all too much, sometimes, right? Hugs to you! We deserve someone great and some cute babies. I'm trying to keep hope alive that it will happen for BOTH of us!
Deleteannnnd I'm crying again. I've been crying all day. Mostly because of a stupid boy, but also because I feel exactly as you have described. I too, often ask,"What makes me so undeserving of having a relationship, getting married, or having babies?" Bleh. I honestly don't have encouraging words for you, as I'm too emotional right now. Just know, that someday, I don't know when, it will get better. I has too.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you're crying too! I agree, it really does HAVE to get better. I've been in a funk for the last week...and it doesn't seem to be lifting. Hugs to you!
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