Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas cheer?

Oh boy, what happened to November? I'm sure I've had random thoughts to blog about, but, alas, I neglected to do it! Well, some of you are probably thankful for that!

I can't think of anything to catch you up on, so I'll just blog about what's on my mind right now.

So, being single at Christmas. It's sucky.

My family usually goes to church together (whomever is in town that year) on Christmas Eve, and then we eat dinner and open presents afterward. I typically don't have any plans on Christmas Day, but have gone to a movie with my mom the last few years.

Well...this year is different. My out of state sibling and family will be coming here to celebrate Christmas, but they're coming after Christmas. So, we'll be celebrating on the 30th. While I'm glad we'll all get to hang out, I'm a bit bummed that that leaves me alone on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. I don't know, it just seems sort of depressing.

I literally have nowhere to go/nothing to do on those days. Ya know why? Because I'm single. I don't have my husband's family to visit or time to spend with my own husband/children for Christmas. It's a crappy reminder.

To make matters worse, my dad passed away on the 25th of January, so Christmas Day will be nearly a year since his passing. Ugh.

I know, I know...I'm being a negative Nelly, but I can't help it. And yes, a few people have invited me to spend Christmas Eve with them. And that is SO kind and SO thoughtful, seriously. And I do appreciate it. But, I just don't think I'd have any more fun at someone else's family Christmas than I would just being home alone. The whole time I'm there, I'll know I'm there because they knew I had nowhere else to be. And it's a reminder that I don't belong in that group.

Does this make any sense?

And Christmas is NOT about gifts, I know this. But lately, as I hear my friends talk about their spending limits with their spouses, I want to scream. One friend's limit is $500 PER spouse? I can't imagine asking for $500 worth of stuff! Am I crazy?

We draw names in my family, so I will be getting something that cost $25, and whatever small items my mom gets me. That's it. Grand total will be nowhere near $500!

Anyway, all of this put together has me a bit down about Christmas this year. And maybe, if I feel like this, it would be better to just stay at home.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I think that's all there is...

Well, I did shoot "PB" a quick text last Wednesday, just asking if he made it home, etc. He replied, but never initiated anything further.

So, last night, I decided to send him another quick text, about a race I'd done this weekend. He replied fairly quick, but again, that was it.

I don't want to get into, "It's his turn to make a move," blah blah blah...but...

I do feel like I've made some efforts (even though it's just little texts) and maybe he would have to initiate something at this point. Right?

The last thing I want is to be chasing him and driving him nuts.

While I'm glad to have met him, and we did indeed have fun...it's almost a bit of a let down. I mean, I never meet guys like him where I live. NEVER. So, to meet one that I'm attracted to, like, and have fun with...and he doesn't live anywhere near me? Well...it sucks a little bit.

It's like having this carrot dangled in front of you and then having it snatched away...while the person dangling it laughs an evil laugh, "Mwahhahahahaha!!!"

Also, it's not like I thought this guy was the one or whatever. But, he had potential...and I would have enjoyed getting to know him better - to see if things could go anywhere.

Back to square one, I guess...

PS This is exactly why I don't get "excited" anymore about dating. It's much easier for me to keep my cool and take things as they come. Because, when I used to get my hopes up...the letdown was all the more upsetting.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

What would you do?

OK, so my cute date from the weekend - we'll call him "PB," is now back home...which is nearly 1,000 miles from where I live.

We had dinner at my friend's house Monday night, which was good. And then he drove me home and walked me to my door. I honestly felt like neither of us knew what to say. I mean, clearly there is interest on both sides...otherwise, why spend time alone together and go on dates - when you're only in town a few days?

So, he said something about being friends on Facebook and then kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug (he's a great hugger, by the way). I told him it was great to meet him and that I had fun.

Now, I already said I'm fine if what it was is what it was. Really, I am. I mean, it sucks in the sense that I finally met someone who has a lot of the things I look for, and he lives far away. But, I can appreciate it as it is.

But I also get the sense that he was attracted to me...and wonder if he would be interested in something more?

So now I'm just not sure if there is really anything I should do next. I mean, should I text/call him, just to say hi? Or should I wait and see if he makes any contact? Or should I just acknowledge that it was a little fling and be done with it?

THIS is the part of dating that I absolutely abhor. I hate the wondering and uncertainty. If he lived here...or even an hour away, I wouldn't have any of these questions. I'd know that I could text/call him and it wouldn't be weird. I assume we'd have gone out on more dates.

But, he doesn't live here...so I'm in a quandary about what to do. So, I open it up to my readers. Guide me!!!

Monday, October 31, 2011

A new prospect...

You'll never believe what happened to me this weekend! OK, it's not that exciting...but still.

On Saturday, I ran a local race that a friend of mine won. I had to rush off to another commitment, but she stayed back to socialize. Anyway, she talked up the male winner and somehow invited him (a total stranger) to the Halloween party we were attending that night. (He is from out of state.)

Side note: Love my friend, but think it's totally weird she invited him to someone else's party and she barely knew him. But, I digress...

So, he ended up coming to the party and we chatted/hit it off. Numbers were exchanged...plans were made to get together on Sunday. Well...we had a coffee date...then a run that afternoon, and then dinner/movie last night.

Yes, yes, I know it's a lot in one day. But he's only here a few days and we enjoy each other's company. He's very attractive...let's just start there. Very. And, we have many similar views/interests, and conversation (so far) has flowed pretty easily. I suspect he's younger than me...by 5ish+ years. Not sure if that's an issue or not?

Anyway, so far, so good. Who knows if it's just a casual hanging out thing while he's here, or if it's potentially something else? He referred to last night as our first date...so that tells me he might be thinking in that direction. But whatever, I'm just taking it one bit at a time...no pressure on myself.

On the other hand...the friend who (sort of) arranged this is driving me batty! Constant texts, asking about every detail and if I'm SO excited, and what we're doing, and if I like him, and blah blah blah. She's suffocating me!

I know it comes from a good place, but it just adds pressure to a situation that doesn't need it. And really, we don't know what (if anything) this is...so how about we take it down a notch, shall we?

I'm going to need to tell her to back off a bit, because I don't plan to report my every single thought about him/us to her, or anyone else, for that matter.

On the fun side...while watching the movie, he totally grabbed my hand and it was really sweet. It didn't feel forced or awkward, which is how I have felt in the past with a guy that maybe I wasn't really in to.

So, no matter what, it was an unexpected thing - and if nothing comes from it - I had some fun with him and good conversation!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Rude much?

So...I had a situation recently that made me wonder if I was the crazy one. After discussing with several friends (married with & without children), I've come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, NOT crazy.

Here is what happened...

A few weeks ago, I got a text from an acquaintance. Now, I like this woman, her husband, and her 2 kids, but I wouldn't call them friends. We socialize maybe twice a year and I never call her just to chat or go do something. And I would never call/ask her for a favor, because I'd feel like I was imposing, since we aren't close friends.

Anyway, she and two of my friends (a married couple) were going to a big game that Saturday. She texted me asking if I could watch her kids for 2 hours in the morning. Now, it's not that I'm not willing to help out, but I was a little shocked that she'd ask that of me...an acquaintance?

I couldn't watch them the whole 2 hours, but offered 45 minutes - assuming she wouldn't take me up on it. Well, she DID take me up on that. So, I agreed to do it. (If a friend told me they could only help for 45 minutes, I 1) wouldn't take them up on it, because why inconvenience them for such a short amount of time, and 2) I'd figure something else out as 45 minutes wouldn't seem worth it.)

Later that night, she called me, and I thought she was just calling to say thank you. Well, she was... But then she said, "Well, we've pieced together child care for most of the day Saturday..." Oh, frick - she's going to ask me for MORE? Seriously?

So, she asked if I was busy at 9:30pm that night...and if I could go pick up her kids, then bring them home, do the bedtime routine, then WAIT for them to get home from the game, which ended up being close to midnight.

Here's the thing - I know that I could, SHOULD, have said no. But, being single and childless, I knew she figured I probably had nothing going on at 9:30 at night. I mean, what excuse could I give?

I agreed to do it, even though I was floored she was asking this of me. It totally messed up my previously "free" day to get things done.

When I got there the next morning, the husband said, "Thanks for doing this...we were trying to think, 'Who wouldn't be watching the game?'" Um, I actually DO watch the games from time to time and if I wasn't watching the game - WHY would I want to cart your kids around instead? Seriously?

Bottom line - If i'm not a good enough friend to consider inviting to the game, then I'm probably not someone you should ask to babysit your kids. And, by the way, isn't that what babysitters are for?

NONE of my actual close friends would ever ask me to do something like this, EVER. They were all floored and annoyed. To me, the whole thing showed a lack of thought, and a lot of selfishness. All they cared about was going to the game.

Side note - the kids know me alright, but not well. They had to ask what my name was when I picked them up that night...yah, we are SO close.

She did give me a gift card, so that was nice. But really, I'd rather have my Saturday back. I can get myself a gift card. It's the principle of the thing.

Lesson learned? First of all, I will never agree to do something like this ever again - unless it's for close friends who are in an emergency family situation. Secondly, I need to learn that I can say no and not give a reason. It wasn't my problem that they didn't have child care...it was theirs. So, I could/should have said I wasn't available, and then not given any reason. I don't owe them an explanation. This is something I'll have to work on, for sure!

As always, I love to get your feedback!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Has this happened to you?

I headed to the grocery store last night after my workout. I only needed a few random items, so I was hoping it would be a quick, uninterrupted trip.

Do you ever just wish you could go to the store and not run into/see anyone you know? Don't get me wrong, I'm a social gal, but sometimes I just want to get in, and get out.

Lately, I feel like I always see someone I know, and then you have to chit chat (sometimes with someone you don't particularly care for), and then you see someone else. Before you know it, your 10 minute trip has turned into 45 minutes.

As I was walking in last night, I saw a woman who works in my building. We know each other enough to recognize, but not each other's names, jobs, etc. Luckily, she didn't see me...so I continued on into the store.

I quickly grabbed the items on my list and was roaming down an aisle, when I glanced to my right and saw Ben #2 in another aisle. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked a bit. And yes, I realize I was overreacting.

The last time I saw/spoke to Ben #2 was at a race in February, so it's been a while. We are still FB friends, but never comment on each other's stuff.

I will be honest with you all...I spent the rest of my time in the store, dodging and making sure we didn't run into one another. Then I headed toward the registers and saw him going there...so I hid in the candy aisle...where I totally put some mini Reese's PBs in my basket. Grrr!

Do I realize this is lame of me? Of course. Did I want to run into him and have an awkward conversation? No.

Here's the thing...I wouldn't say we were ever "in a relationship." We went on a few dates, my dad passed away during the time we were just getting to know one another, and then things fizzled. I don't regret my decision, as I don't think he and I are a match. However, I wouldn't say he and I are really friends either.

So, if I'd run into him last night...I guess I wasn't sure how the conversation would go? I mean, I felt like it would just be awkward/uncomfortable for both of us.

To be fair to myself, I'm pretty sure I would have avoided anyone I knew last night - I was on a mission to get my things and get home!

So, I checked out...and then saw someone else I knew as I was leaving. Are you kidding me?

Within a 10 minute span of time, I ran into 3 people I knew. Do I need to move?

Has this ever happened to you? How did you handle it? I'll take any advice I can get!

Ewwww...

So, last night, I'm on the couch, watching TV and relaxing.


Out of nowhere, a spider is on my carpet, quickly moving toward me. He. Was. HUGE.

Don't believe me?




All I could think was, "What the heck am I going to do?" Yes, I've killed numerous bugs & spiders before, but they were much smaller than this guy.

And then the worse thought, "What if I don't catch him...and he's just IN the house now, somewhere, waiting..."

After some very heavy breathing and a few freak-outs, I grabbed an old running shoe and clobbered him. But it wasn't over. I still have to pick him up and get him to the toilet, to be flushed into oblivion.

I grabbed a wad of toilet paper, that can only be described as a full roll of toilet paper, and went back to the scene of the crime.

I grabbed him, tossed him in the toilet, flushed, and proceeded to jump up and down in a freaked out, full on panic.

My new fear is that his family is still residing somewhere/various places in my home. That should keep me up at night for a while.

I realize I shouldn't want a man in my life solely for the purpose of being the bug/spider killer, but I really could have used a guy last night. I've been doing this stuff on my own for a long time now - and I still freak out. I'm never going to be the girl that is all, "Oh, no biggie...let me just grab that and take care of it..." No. I'm going to be the girly girl, freaking out, jumping up and down, clapping my hands in a tizzy. That is me...whether I'm killing the bug or I'm watching my fella (if only!) take care of it for me.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Another potential set-up...

About a month ago, one of my friends randomly texted me about a potential set-up. She gave me some info about the guy and asked if she could move forward. Because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment, I told her she could set something up, but keep it casual - maybe a group thing.

Cut to 3 weeks later and I'm on the phone with a mutual friend of ours. This friend asks me how my date went. Um, what? Huh?

I realize I can be overly snippy, but here were my immediate thoughts.

1) I'd not heard ANYthing about a date with this person for over 3 weeks.
2) Why would someone else that's not involved with the date, know about it before the person actually going on the date?

Things like this get to me...and it's largely why I abhor being set up. I informed the mutal friend that nothing had been set up and that I hadn't heard anything for a while. To which she says, "Oh, well I'll follow up with her on that."

Um, why would YOU follow up with her? Is this YOUR date? I don't think so. This is actually MY potential date, and I'll follow up with her if I want to. I don't really need you to intervene for me, I'm 34. Again, I know my friend thought she was helping, but I guess I'm just saying it isn't really her place to do so.

So, this friend checks up on the situation and then I get an email from the original setter upper. Apparently someone was out of town and that's why there was a delay in setting up. Anyway, now we are in the "planning" phase, potentially something next week.

When someone offers to set me up, and I agree, I guess I just don't feel it's my job to then hound them and ask about it all the time. I figured my friend had either a) forgotten about the whole thing or b) was in process. I'm not going to go chasing it down - especially when I didn't initiate. That's just me, I guess.

The other thing, our mutal friend has now been invited. A while back, I decided to stop telling people when/if I was being set up. Of course, I tell my blog readers - duh! But, it just got too hard fielding the many phone calls the day after a date and having to explain why I did/didn't like the guy/date. So, I find it's easier to keep it to myself and whomever sets us up and only tell very close friends or whomever I choose. When I went out with Ben #2 last year - there was no way to NOT tell friends, because a ton of them were there the night we met. Ugh.

It was a hard lesson to learn and took me a while, but I've committed to it! And I hadn't told ANYone about this setup. But then my friend tells our mutual friend and voila...people now know. And I'd prefer that friend isn't there, because she tends to tell me how I acted. Like, whether I looked at the guy, talked to the guy, laughed, didn't laugh, etc. I'm not a dream date, but I do know from experience that I'm totally fine on a date - friendly, animated, etc. So, I don't need an audience, thank you. I figured the "group" would be me, the guy, my friend and maybe his friend who thought of the setup? Random people...

So, you may read this and think, "Holy crap, she is highly sensitive!" And I get that. But hopefully you'll see some of my points?

Has anything similar happened to any of you?

Sucktastic...

Well, I've clearly been on an unintentional hiatus from my blog. I apologize, to any who actually read my blog.

It turns out that my bad luck has continued to spiral downward, since my last post.

I went to dinner and a movie with a friend, only to find that someone had keyed my car at some point during that evening. So, I had to pay the $250 deductible to have that little situation fixed.

Then, 2 weeks ago, I was rear ended...by an uninsured driver. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? You have GOT to be fricking kidding me! I got out of my car, somewhat startled, and he says, "Um, I'm between insurance right now..." Yah, I'll just BET you are. Police were called, I'm sure this guy is in a spot of trouble, and I have to run the whole thing through my insurance - of course. So, another deductible - $500 - is coming out of MY pocket.

If you are doing the math, that means I will have spent nearly $1,000 on my car this year - for things I had nothing to do with. Things like this drive me batty. I mean, my insurance will sue him to get the money back, but I'm not holding my breath that I'll ever see my $500 again.

Not to mention the minor whiplash I sustained - that's been super fun. I think my favorite part was having a headache for 7 days straight. Good times.

Anyway...things have continued their level of suckiness and I guess I couldn't think of anything to post about.

2011 has been a horrible year, I can barely think of anything good that happened this year. So, I will not be sad to see 2011 go - SOON!

Friday, August 12, 2011

More bad luck and ewwwww...

Well, just when I thought my luck couldn't get worse, it did.

I went for a run on the local trail yesterday. I had already run on it twice this week, with no issues. I should also note that I've run this trail hundreds of times and not once had an incident.

Cut to yesterday afternoon...

I took off and was enjoying my run. About a mile and a half into my run, I came to an underpass, where I saw a guy hanging out there. My gut instinct told me he was suspicious, but he wasn't doing anything at that time. Heck, even after I passed him, I said (to myself), "I hope he's not a rapist." Then I felt pretty stupid and continued on my way.

I turned around after 3 miles and headed back. By this time, I'd pretty much forgotten about suspicious guy. Well, I rounded a bridge, and was running a straightaway, toward the previously mentioned underpass.

When I got there, the SAME guy was sitting in the same spot, only he was completely exposed on his lower half and he was jacking off (for lack of a better word). He was smiling right at me. I did a double take, as I was completely shocked. Once he knew I saw what he was doing, and after I passed him, he got up.

I thought he got up to chase after me and I was scared out of my mind. I kept looking behind me for the rest of my run, pretty freaked out.

As I was on my way back, I saw several kids on bikes, headed in that guy's direction. Ugh.

I called the non-emergency police when I was done. They immediately dispatched officers to the location and sent a sergeant over to speak with me. Based on my description, they think they know who it is, so that is good.

Needless to say, that pretty much wrecked what was left of my afternoon/evening. I've heard of things like this happening, but never experienced it. It was awful. It was scary. It was disgusting.

It's unfortunate that we live in a world where people do things like this, for no apparent reason.

By the way, the sergeant said that mine was the FIRST report of indecent exposure (in our area) this year! Um, I'm honored? No!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Facebook Quandary...

Like so many, I'm on Facebook. And, while I was reluctant to join at first, I will admit that I like it. Of course, there are parts of it that annoy me, but overall, I like being able to connect with long lost friends.

Here's the thing, though. I like to connect, via Facebook, with people I was once actually friends with. We all know that when you have 500 Facebook friends, you're not REALLY close with all 500 with them. But, you likely once had a connection with them and now you can follow their current life situation.

My biggest pet peeve about Facebook, and I guess certain FB users, is that they'll friend someone they were never really friends with. Am I the only one bothered by this?

Recently, I've been friended by a few people from college. For starters, they were juniors or seniors when I was a freshman. Did I know them? Yes. Were we friends? No. Were we enemies? No. We were just "meh."

So, if I came across these people on FB, my only thought would be, "Oh, yah, I remember her from college." And then I would move on...without friending them. So, it bothers me that they would see my name/profile pop up and think, "Oh yah, I really need to friend her."

Prime example: A girl from college friended me a while back, and I accepted. Yes, my bad for accepting if I really didn't want to be friends with her. Anyway... I was cleaning out my friends one day, and deleted her. I've not given her a second thought. Today, a friend request from her popped up on my FB. Seriously?

I guess, if I somehow figured out that someone deleted/defriended me, I certainly wouldn't friend them again. Would you? And again, I must reiterate that she and I were never friends. Not at all. I couldn't tell you one thing about her, other than her name.

The bonus to FB? An ex-girlfriend of my brother's recently messaged me and it was SO great to hear from her. So, we're now in touch again...which I love. I guess you have to take the bad with the good?

Anyway, do I just go ahead and ignore this girl's friend request? It's probably high time I go through and clean out my friends again. Anyone else deal with these FB situations?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Worst deejay EVER & a few other things...

So, I attended a wedding reception last weekend. The bride is a casual friend from work...aka, I was shocked to be invited to the reception. Another male friend of hers/mine was going, so at least I wasn't totally going to be alone.

Now, it's safe to say, this girl, her new hubby, and their friends/family were not going to be my type of crowd. And, I'm NOT judging...but it directly correlates to the number of tattoos they all have...compared to the zero I have.

I have friends with tattoos...but this was on a whole new level. It was more of a biker crowd. And again, that is fine. But I tend to not have much in common with that crowd.

People were dressed ridiculously casual for a wedding reception...but I digress.

So, my friend and I sat at a table with two other couples, who work where the bride and I work. I didn't know either couple particularly well, but well enough to chit chat. So, the one couple was newly married and I'd never formally met either of them. Literally, we JUST met that night (this is important in the coming story). We were all friendly enough, just basic chit chat.

All of us ate our meals and then talked about getting some cake. There were 3 flavors - chocolate, champagne, and red velvet. So, the newlyweds decided to try a few flavors and brought them back.

My friend and I did the same thing. I grabbed 2 pieces of red velvet and went back to the table. He grabbed 2 pieces of champagne and brought them back. Now, he grabbed me a giant piece of champagne. I was like, "What the heck? Why such a big piece?" But, whatever.

So, I ate my red velvet - it was delish - and left my champagne cake to sit for a bit. Later on, I was waiting for my friend, and bored, so I was sort of picking at the champagne cake. Please note, I was not MOWING down on it or shoving it in my face.

Mr. Newlywed Stranger Guy Whom I Don't Know & Doesn't Know Me says, "Wow, you must really like cake!" And then he and his wife proceed to laugh. I was more than irritated, but handled it well. I said, "Well, yah, this is good. And I'm a runner, so I can eat things like this." And then it got quiet. I sort of stopped eating my cake, as I was a bit self conscious. He then said, "Oh, sorry..." (Side note: this guy and his wife were not particularly thin/fit people. they weren't fat, but I'm just saying...not fit either)

Uh huh.

Here's the thing. I'm not a Sensitive Sally, I promise. But I think that's a pretty bold comment to make to a complete stranger. If I were sitting next to a 500 pound stranger, who was eating 6 pieces of cake, it still wouldn't occur to me to say something like that. Not to mention, I myself am not a large individual...so do we need to comment on whether or not I like cake?

I guess I just feel like he was a little too comfortable saying that. And most of my friends have agreed. Your thoughts?

I just want to eat my food and not be watched/bothered about it. Furthermore, I don't give a crap what you eat. Go to town! Eat UP, I say!

Anyway, on to the deejay. From the get go, this guy was AWFUL. He really liked to hear himself talk. He went on and on about the night, then gave us the schedule for the evening, then "riffed" a little more, and THEN someone gave a prayer before we lined up to eat.

As we waited for our table to get in line for food...we were subjected to the many moronic things this guy was saying. And you could tell other people were annoyed as well.

So, they start the dancing, with the first dance for the couple. Situation normal.

Then they do the father/daughter dance. No problem.

And then, then, he brings ALL the married couples to the teeny tiny dance floor. I have no problem with this...other than the tiny pathetic group left sitting at random tables. You know, the SINGLE people. GASP!

So, he talks for what seemed like 30 minutes...basically saying they were going to put music on and during the dance, couples married less than 5 years leave the dance floor, then 10, and so on. We've seen this before, right?

Usually it's done within a few minutes, no?

Well, he talked ad nauseum...about God knows what and it lasted forEVER! It took extremely long just to get to the point where you had the 4 couples who'd been married more than 50 years left...and they looked exhausted! He then walked around to each couple...asking when/how they got married. None of the couples had too much to say. It was so painful. But, he kept talking anyway!

FINALLY, that horrific display was over.

Not so fast, my friend. Not so fast.

The famous "chicken dance" was about to start and the bride grabbed me to go on the dance floor. So, I grabbed my friend - that's only fair, right? As I'm approaching the dance floor, I say (under my breath, and sarcastically), "This is so unfair." Well, the deejay heard me and proceeded to repeat what I said...into his MICROPHONE! He then proceeded to harp on me for the next 5 minutes, for no reason, in front of everyone.

I was mortified. The one thing I do NOT want, is attention on me. Especially when I'm not doing anything of note.

At this point, I'm hoping he'll leave me alone. But I don't notice that the bride has, for some reason, told him I'm a chicken dance expert (he'd asked, I guess). So, he announces my name, everyone looks at me, and he continues to say my name and point to me.

Another 5 minutes go by, him talking...blah blah blah.

Finally, we are ready to start the chicken dance. During the dance, he calls out the stuff and then tells people to look at me for direction. Honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole. Nightmare.

Bottom line, this guy sucked. I've been to a lot of weddings, people. A LOT. Trust me when I say he is the worst deejay I've ever had the displeasure of being around.

Awful.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Body Image - it's all perception

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, so I figured I'd ramble to my blog readers about it!

Women are often so hard on themselves, in many areas, but especially their looks, figure, appearance, etc. And I'm no exception.

Growing up, I always felt awkward because I was taller than everyone else (and also weighed more). By the time I was in college (other than a one year weight gain, which I lost), I was pretty comfortable with myself. I still had issues, but wasn't a constant wreck about it. I spent the bulk of my twenties worrying about that 10 pounds, or something about my face, or my figure, etc.

Throughout all of these times, I was active, not overweight, and pretty fit. So, looking back, I want to yell at that girl. I want to say, "You are an idiot! Quit whining about something that doesn't matter!" But, alas, my older self wasn't around to help me out...

By the time I hit 30, I was so much more comfortable with my body, and myself. I mean, seriously. I've often passed that along to my younger friends, letting them know that your 30s can be a great relief, where you just accept your body.

Here are some of the realizations I came to:

* My legs may not be super skinny, but they are strong. They allow me the ability to run long distances, and to run faster.
* My chest might be small, but it enhances my petite upper body. Also, I don't have pesky double D's impeding my running.
* My waist is small, allowing me to wear a small dress size that would NEVER be my actual pant size. EVER. And I never have to do sit-ups!
* My butt is large and in charge, but it also provides strength in my running.
* I'm tall. Get over it. The bonus of my height is that I can gain a few pounds and no one really notices - there's more room for it to hide!

The point is, I figured out how to NOT obsess about my body. And it sort of happened naturally. When I look back and think about the time I wasted worrying about it, it irritates me.

Now, does this mean that I don't still have setbacks? Of course not. Like, right now, I would like to lose maybe 5-10 pounds. I don't NEED to lose them, but I'd LIKE to. And I'd like to lose them from my thigh/butt region, as no other area has put on weight (of course).

Here's the funny thing...I'll be thinking, "ugh, I've got to get with the program...and lose this butt!" Then I'll run into my good friend Lacey, who says, "OMG, you are SO skinny! I can't get over it. Your legs, everything, you are just skinny!"

I always tell her I'd like to have her around at all times. Isn't it funny how her view of me is completely different than mine? Sometimes I see gigantic legs/butt in the mirror, when in reality, they are probably totally normal (and skinny, to my friend). To be clear, they are not skinny, trust me. But, they are likely pretty normal size.

Our minds can distort things to the point that we drive ourselves crazy. I am striving to keep the negative voices out and focus on the positives. I'm healthy, active, and nowhere near obesity.

Here's to all of us loving ourselves and cutting ourselves a break!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Honk honk!

So, I'm leaving work to go home for lunch today. And, as I'm crossing the street, some guy in his car honks at me and then waves.

I don't know this guy. Never seen him before in my life.

Now, before I rant, let me say that I am aware that I should be flattered and that he just felt like honking...blah, blah, blah.

But...

I just wonder WHAT I'm supposed to do/think when someone honks/hollers/whistles at me (or anyone else, for that matter). What would he have done if I had turned and run toward his car? What would he have done if I flashed him, right there, in the middle of the street? Should I have shouted my phone number to him?

I did none of those things. I just turned when he honked, then continued walking to my car.

I rarely feel flattered when this happens. Mostly, I am annoyed. Because, it NEVER occurs to me to honk at someone, even if the guy was gorgeous and right in front of me. I just don't see the point.

Same reason I get annoyed when cars honk at my friend and I when we're running. We obey the traffic rules and when someone honks, it scares the crap out of us...it doesn't get us all giddy that some idiot thinks we're cute or whatever.

What is the purpose of the honk? I guess I just don't get it... It's not like I got in my car and thought, "Oh boy, I must look super hot today, for that random stranger to honk at me from across the street!!!"

I'm back!!!

Hello all! I'm sure you've missed me, right? :-)

I got back from my mini vaca last week and then had a crazy busy weekend. So, I'm finally feeling like I'm caught back up on my house, work, life, etc.

Vacation was good. I needed to get away and just relax, read, and hang out. I am vowing that this will be the summer of reading! I have a lot of books I want to read and everything on tv will be repeats anyway. I really hope to get in some massive reading. Any book recommendations are welcome!

As for the funk, I would say I'm still in it. I'm doing my best to "put on a brave face," but the feelings and frustration are still there. It's not like going on vacation makes that go away. I'm home now, back to my life that I'm not so thrilled about. And I still haven't come up with any bright ideas on what to do about that. Again...feedback is welcomed. ;-)

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the beginnings of summer!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

One Year Anniversary (Blog)

And, I just realized that I started this blog exactly ONE year ago today!

I'll take this post to thank all of my readers (whether there are 2 or 200 of you) for taking the time to stop by. And, even better, taking the time to share your insights, frustrations, and opinions with me. Whether you agree with me or not, I always appreciate the feedback.

This blog has become a safe place for me to vent and meet other like-minded people. It reminds me that I'm actually NOT the only single gal out there (even if it feels like it sometimes)!

Thanks for your support and I hope I continue to post things that are worthy of being read!

Here's to all of us fine, single ladies finding someone worthy of our fabulous-ness!

Melt-down...

So, a good friend called the other night, but I was running, so I couldn't take the call. Then, I check FB yesterday, to find out she and her family are moving (due to her hubby's job) to Australia!

She called again on my way home from work and we got to chat a bit. I'm so excited for her and her family - what an amazing opportunity. Seriously!

BUT...

There's always a but. You knew there'd be one, didn't you?

I can't lie and say that my heart didn't drop when I read the news. Not because I'm not genuinely thrilled for her. But, at this stage of my life, where I feel like it sucks, it's hard to read about yet another person - moving forward, doing something exciting in their life.

And here I sit...day in and day out, the same old stuff. No progress whatsoever. Ugh.

So, I did my best on the phone, but of course, the tears started coming out of nowhere. I didn't want to ruin her news, so I tried to cover as much as I could. When we were done talking about the particulars of the move, she asked, "So, how are you? What's new?"

Ugh again. "Um, nothing new here. My life still sucks, my stepmom is awful, and nothing in my life has changed - oh yah, and I'm still hopelessly single."

Oh wait, that isn't a good response? OK, I told her nothing was new and I didn't have much to report. But, being the good friend she is, I think she could tell I wasn't totally myself. So, the tears came again and I couldn't hold them in. I told her I felt SO bad because this is HER news and I don't want to be the big bummer stamp on it.

She's so great, too. She's like, "Oh my gosh, that doesn't matter! We're friends and we should talk about this stuff!"

The point is, I feel like I'm so frustrated that it's actually difficult to hear other people's good news. And that is SO not who I am. I'm the girl who's thrilled for people when something great happens and I grieve with them when something bad happens.

And, of course, I want all of my friends/family to have good things in their lives. It's just, I sort of would like to have some of those same good things happen in MY life as well. Is that too much to ask?

Another friend said someone quoted this to him: "When something good happens to someone, you view it as a piece of pie being taken away from YOU. But, God has a huge pie, with endless pieces for everyone."

My reply? "God has endless pieces, but he's just not giving ME any?" Ha, ha.

I just feel left behind in this thing called life. And, again, I'm aware I have it pretty good in comparison to the world.

The worst part? Here I am crying and wanting to curl up in a ball on the couch...but I didn't have time to do that. How pathetic is that? I had to go to one of my extra jobs and was still wiping tears off as I walked in (also sporting some fresh red eyes). My preference would have been to stay home and I'm sure I'd have cried full out.

Theme for this week? BLAH!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Fitness

So, it's now been 10 weeks since my minor surgery, which took me out of running/exercise for 4 weeks. I've been back to exercising for about 5 of the last 6 weeks (since I was given the go ahead).

Overall, the transition back into it was fine. Of course, you have to ease back in and you can't expect to be exactly where you were before. I have a lot of races (all distances) on my calendar in the next few months, so I'm trying to get in shape so I feel like I can truly race them.

Last week, I went for broke and ran 10 miles. It felt great, no issues! That was the farthest I'd run since mid-February. I ran 11 this past weekend, also felt great. Then, I ran a 5K on Sunday, just hoping to run an ok race. I ended up setting a PR for myself. What a pleasant surprise!

For the most part, I feel like I'm "back," and can resume whatever I'd have done before. It's a great feeling, as working out is part of my routine. It keeps me sane...and also keeps me from being the gigantic cow I'd otherwise be (with the food I eat).

The point I'm trying to make is this - fitness is such a gift. I'm not always perfect at it, but it really has been a constant in my life, for the bulk of my life. The fact that I took 4 weeks off, which I would never willingly do, and I'm able to step right back into it, is proof. If you are fit or consistent about working out, your body will repay you with a speedy recovery and easy re-entry.

I'm thankful I have a healthy body that CAN work out, specifically RUN (since I do love it, most days). And I'm thankful my body is letting me get back to it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Purpose

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose in life lately. And I may have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, that if this is my life...well, I'm not satisfied.

Here's an average day for me. I wake up, get ready for work, go to work (a job I don't necessarily love), work out, do one of my many side jobs (that I don't need, but just do them anyway), go home, eat, watch tv, and go to bed. Repeat.

While I realize that is likely a common day for many people, I just think I'm over it. I'm someone who thrives on busy-ness and responsibility. This is likely one of the reasons I have those side jobs/committees.

But, if I really think about the "extras" in my life. I don't have a strong desire to do any of them. I just do them, plain & simple.

What is the alternative? I could not do them...and then I'd have more free time to sit on my butt and think about being single/childless and no closer to fixing that area of my life. So, I keep on keepin' on.

This got me thinking about married people (with/without children). When you're married (I assume) you likely have more of a purpose. You have a responsibility to your spouse - emotionally, financially, your home, your meals, etc. They would notice if you just didn't come home one night. Same is true if you have kids. You can't go unnoticed when you have children. They require your attention - whether it be feeding them, going to their events, tending to their boo boos.

You have purpose. Simple as that. And honestly, that is how I'd like to be spending my free time at this stage of my life. Truly, that is what I'd like to be doing.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that we singles don't have a purpose. That is utterly depressing! I'm saying, for me, I'm to the point where I'm just not sure what my purpose is. If I'm not meant to be married & have kids (which is not everyone's purpose in life), then what is my purpose here? I feel like my life is ho hum and not really going anywhere.

I know, I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, etc., and those are important roles. And I appreciate that. But the truth is, I could leave town for a week, with no notice, and it wouldn't really matter. And that is what gets me.

I'm sure there are some who would say, "You can't get married/have kids just to get attention." But that's not really what I'm saying here. Also, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying as some cry for help that I'm going to harm myself/run away. I'm not. :-)

Anyone else "get" what I'm saying here?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Speed racer...

My whole life, I've been a fast walker. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying that I walk with a purpose and don't mess around. I've been asked these questions numerous times -

"Are you in a hurry?"
"Are you running late?"
"Are you in a race?"
"Can you slow down? I can't keep up with you!"

Honestly, I usually think people are crazy when they say these things. I don't think I'm walking that fast, and I'm rarely doing it because I'm in a hurry. I'm just walking, people.

But lately, it occurs to me that either I'm incredibly fast or other people are unbelievably slow walkers. Like, painfully slow. Like, I'd like to push you down so I can get by right now, slow. Just kidding, I'd never push someone...I promise.

I'm tall, so, I'll go with the "you have long legs and can go faster" argument, to a point. But seriously, do people really walk/get around this slowly? I can't handle it.

I got off the elevator at work today, behind another person on my floor. The 3 foot walk to her desk took SO long. I was behind her and it was killing me to wait, so I could get past her.

It then occurred to me that maybe people who walk this slow (I'm talking about average, healthy people) do other things slow...like their jobs? Again, I'm no rock star amazing gal, but I do good, efficient work. And I'm always amazed at how lackadaisical others are. What takes me an hour, might take them 6 hours. And we've had the same amount of training.

Everyone's brains work differently, I get that. But I think some people just sort of shuffle through their lives/jobs, with no sense of progressing forward.

It's either that...or I'm incredibly cranky and impatient...and don't want to wait behind these slow walkers!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My new celebrity crush...

While I usually think certain actors are attractive, I don't usually develop a crush. But, I'll admit it. I've got a crush...on Zachary Levi. You know, the guy who plays "Chuck" on tv? Funny story, I've not seen one episode of that show (but I have heard of it). I did, however, see "Tangled" when I took my niece(s)/nephew(s). If you're not aware, that is an animated film. Zachary voices Flynn Rider (the would-be hero). Incidentally, I thought the movie was adorable.

For some reason, I loved the voice and the character. And then, he sings? If a guy has a good singing voice, I immediately fall in love. I'd marry Josh Groban, sight unseen, if I only heard him sing. I swear.

So, now I've Googled Mr. Levi and I just think he's a cutie pie. He's tall, which is perfect for me. He sings - I love that. He seems adventurous, based on what I've read. And, he's a Christian (if I'm to believe what I read). All in all, I think he's "the one."

OK, OK, I'm totally kidding. I mean, I don't want to sound like a psycho stalker. (which, I'm not, I swear) Although, he is single...

Who are your celebrity crushes?

Alone-ness

A fellow blogger was inspired by another blogger's post, and wrote this post. Her post reiterated some thoughts I was having before I went to bed last night. Actually, I've had these thoughts thousands of times, but they were really hitting me last night.

One of the worst things people say to a single person is - "You have to be ok with yourself, before you can meet someone and fall in love." (there are many variations on this, but this is the main idea)

Here are my thoughts on that:

1) So, are we to assume that if you married your high school sweetheart, that you were A-ok with yourself in...high school? Really? You knew all there was to know about yourself and were ready to share your life with someone else? Doubtful.

2) What makes you think that I'm NOT ok with myself? I've had periods of my life where I was very insecure about multiple things. But, I'd say I've been pretty ok with myself for several years. Honestly. It's not that I think I'm perfect with no issues, it's that I've learned to accept who I am and not beat myself up for every little thing. I've learned to find the positives in things I used to perceive as horrific flaws.

3) If you've never been single a day in your life...how do you know you'd be ok with yourself, on your own? You don't know...because you've never HAD to stop and figure it out. You just got on the couples roller coaster and haven't gotten off.

4) I have married friends who have admitted they don't like being alone. They know they can barely handle a night at home alone without their spouse. I think that's a problem. Honestly, if you can't be alone for a minute (ie: a night or two), then what the heck is your deal? You can't figure out a way to entertain yourself? You're that dependent on the other person? And, if you're terrified of being alone...shouldn't you have had to go through a period of "being single" to figure out the issues behind that? Why did YOU get to get married? How does that work?

Bottom line: No one is ever 100% ok with themselves when they go into a relationship. We all have flaws and issues, and that's ok. Hopefully, our spouse helps us see those issues and we can work on them together. (This is my assumption...being that I'm not married!)

If I wasn't able to figure out life on my own, as a single...then yah, I think you should have to do that before getting married. But, so many people don't. I have friends who would admit they'd be screwed if they lost their spouse. And I'm the one who's still single? Really?

I'm proud of my independence, in many ways. I never had someone show me how to budget, when I got my first job out of college. I did that myself. I've made big purchases, by myself. I've bought a house, cars, etc. - without the help of a spouse. I've moved into and out of numerous places. I've been to my father's funeral, with no "built in" support system. I've been unemployed (no spousal income) twice...and bounced back, figuring it out on my own.

As much as being single can sadden me, sometimes I do realize how much I'm capable of because I've been single for so long.

Side note: I was at a meeting last night, where everyone in the group is married - except for me. So, the committee leader was discussing who should go to these upcoming dinners and he says, "I thought committee people could pick a night to come...and come with their spouse. Or (looking at me) come on their own." Seriously, to be called out like that (it happens a lot). Wow. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Thoughts...

OK, I've confided in a few close friends about the funk I'm in. Some are good about just listening and agreeing, and others are problem solvers. They immediately have a suggestion for what I could/should do, or what could cheer me up, or something that will fix the situation. While I appreciate ALL of my friends, I could use a little less problem solving.

My pet peeve is when someone offers a solution/advice on something they themselves have never dealt with. Honestly, I can't stand it. I'm a listener. You tell me what you're going through, I listen and offer comfort. Then, I might ask how you're feeling about it and discuss options. Rarely, if I've not been through that experience, will I suggest what to do. You know why? Because I DON'T KNOW what to do...I've never had that particular problem.

In this case, 99.9% of my friends are married with children or about to have children. The same percentage has never been single more than half a day in their lives. So...I don't know that they can really offer sound advice on what I'm feeling/going through. Conversely, I can't offer them a lot of marital/parenting advice. So, I don't.

One of the many things I've loved about single blogger world, is all of you readers. Many of you can relate/identify with how I feel or something I'm dealing with. And THAT, my friends, is a huge relief. You help validate me, in a world (my world) where I'm not validated very often.

Aside from the suggestion for me to adopt/have a baby, there are other suggestions.

Counseling: While I'm not at all against counseling, I don't see it as an option right now (maybe someday). My frustration is that my life isn't where I'd like it to be. Discussing that with a counselor won't really change anything. It's not like I don't have a good job, home, outside activities, etc. One friend said, "The counselor might be able to make you feel better about your situation." Honestly? Um, I don't WANT to feel better about the fact that I'm single and childless. Because if I ever feel better about that, then that means I've decided either to give up on that or that I just don't want those things.

Move away: I've lived in a few major cities in different states (from where I currently live) and I live in a pretty big city right now. I can name two specific times in my life when I took a chance and accepted the new job offer, and moved. The first time, I was harrassed at the new job. And the second time, the job didn't pay what was promised. Both times, I ended up unemployed and looking for work. So, I'm a little gun shy about picking up my life and moving somewhere, where I don't know anyone, the job may not work out, and I may or may not meet "the one." I think that's an awful lot of risk. And, I've done a lot of big things in life on my own. I guess I'm just sort of exhausted. I'm not averse to moving out of my current city. But, doing it alone? And going through all of that again? I just don't know. (I'm aware there are no guarantees in life.)

Here's the thing. If I turned down every blind date or setup and then complained about being single, I could understand someone saying, "You really should take a chance and go on some of those dates." But seriously, I've BEEN on those dates. To the point where I want to cry because the person was so weird/not my type. I've been on the e-date sites as well. I'm not a wallflower either. I'm very outgoing and active in my church and community. Because of this, it's surprising I've not met someone somehow.

So, it's frustrating to think that I have to pick up my life and move (by myself) to some random city/state, in the HOPES of MAYBE meeting someone to date and then someday, maybe, marry. It's especially frustrating to think of that when I know so many who met their mates in high school, college, or through a setup. They get to meet them that way and I have to go through all this work, at 34 years old? At the risk of sounding like a whiny kid - "No fair!"

And really, I'm sure that suggestion (moving) sounds great. But, does anyone think it's THAT simple? Moving is a big deal. Moving when you're single is a HUGE deal. You make all the decisions and arrangements, you do the packing, you do the loading (hopefully with the help of friends), you sell your home, you, you, you, you. I've moved enough to know...it's not that fun.

I also like when married friends suggest I meet other single girls and befriend them. Now, I've sort of done this, via my blog. But, in "real" world, my friends, as I mentioned earlier, are married. Let me just say, I have a crap ton of friends. I mean, a lot. I'm not bragging, I'm just blessed. So, it's not all that appealing that in addition to finding a single man...I need to try to find single women to be friends with...so that we can go trolling for single men and discuss being single.

Married people clearly don't realize the work involved here. Doesn't this all just sound too hard? Or am I just lazy/too tired of the bullcrap?

Bottom line? I'm incredibly appreciative of ALL my friends. Really, I am. But, the lesson I've learned (and that I'd like to impart to all people) is this. If you don't know what to say, don't say ANYTHING. Seriously, it's totally ok to say, "Yeah, it sucks that you have to go through this, and I'm so sorry you're sad." Or, "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry." I'd prefer either of those over instant solutions to my problem(s).

Baby Talk

So, I'm obviously still in this funk...which I don't expect to come out of soon.

A few friends have actually suggested/posed this: "Would you consider adopting or having a baby on your own?"

Let me first say - NO. I would not.

Do I think women who do that are incredible? Yes. Do I have respect for them? Yes. Do I want to join their club? No.

Let me list the reasons that this is an avenue I won't be pursuing:

1. The adoption and/or insemination processes are not free. They don't just "give" you a baby. It takes time and is fairly expensive, from what I've heard from friends.
2. Um, I make an ok salary, but it would be highly difficult to raise a child on.
3. Having a kid by myself would only be a further reminder that I do NOT have a husband. I'd be reminded on a daily basis, that I had this kid, because I just couldn't find someone to have one with.
4. I grew up in a single parent home, raised my mom. She did the best she could, but I do NOT want that for my child/children. I want (if at all possible) for my kids to grow up with both parents (hopefully happily married). *I'm not saying women who choose this option to raise a child alone are going to mess up their kids. I'm only saying how I feel about it.
5. While I think it's great that women have this as an option in today's world, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be "that" woman. There, I've said it.
6. Even though I want to have kids, I'm pretty averse to dating someone who already has children. Weird, I know! The reason is this - I've had two not so great stepmothers. While I know I'd be a good one, I'm just not super pumped about being one. (I realize the chances of me meeting someone without kids, at my age, are decreasing daily.) So, I'd totally understand if I met a guy and he was like, "Wait, you have a kid...on your own? Um, see ya." Point being, I think it could potentially make dating even more difficult.

Those are my immediate thoughts when someone suggests I obtain a child somehow. I'm sure there are those would argue that if I really want to be a mom...I'll do anything. But, the truth is, I don't want to be a mom, that way. I would really like to do it the "old fashioned way" if at all possible.

Anyone else have this dilemma? What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why do men love these women?

So, last night, I caught a new Bravo reality show, "Pregnant In Heels." If you've not heard of it, here's the premise. Rosie Pope is basically a maternity concierge to the uber rich in NYC. She caters to whatever issues they're having, pending Baby's arrival. Many of them are first time moms, though not all.

Last night's episode brought us Mina and another lady, can't remember her name. Anyway, I can't believe either one of them found someone who would date them, let alone marry them or reproduce.

Let's start with Mina - she doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't DO anything (thank goodness she has a home office, though). Her hubby is the breadwinner and I'm really not sure what she does with her time. Their dog isn't even housebroken, he pees INSIDE, on a mat. What??? Her baby is due in one week and the nursery isn't close to being finished, and they don't even have a stroller/car seat. By the way, the baby's linens are coming in from London, but are currently stuck in customs. OK...

She says they'll have a part-time nanny and she doesn't plan to change any diapers. Really? Seriously? I have to pinch myself, as I don't believe this is a real human being. Does she also plan to NOT do anything else for her child? What's the point of having a baby? One more thing, she's never held a baby. When Rosie gives her a real baby to hold, she looks incredibly awkward.

Now to the other lady - she does work, but is emphatic about not ever cleaning OR cooking, EVER. She pretty much always gets her way, too. Also, her husband's Jewish and she's Catholic, and they can't agree on how to raise the baby. They had a non-religious wedding, since neither of them are super religious. But apparently, with a baby, they are NOW religious? Anyway, she went so far as to say it wouldn't bother her if her husband didn't attend the baptism. WOW. I don't know where they came out on that, as I turned the channel. Side note: Rosie arrived at this lady's house (without her knowing) and made a huge baby mess in the living room. It was a drill and this lady was failing. She was sweating and so stressed out cleaning up the mess. Um, THAT will become reality soon, lady!

My thoughts on the whole thing? CRAZY TOWN! Here I am, perfectly pumped to have kids and I pretty much know (in general) what I'm doing. I can't believe these women! They were both fairly rude and bratty with their husbands. Is this what men want? A woman who treats them like dirt and uses them for their money? Because, ewwww.

Also, how do you reach adulthood, NEVER having held a baby. Not once? What is that? How do you date someone and never discuss children and the impact of your differing religions on that issue? For example, I'm a strong Christian. So, if I'm on a date with a guy who mentions he's an athiest. Well, there isn't likely going to be a date #2. Sorry. I have nothing against athiests, but if he is one, then that's a clear sign we disagree on a pretty major thing.

Now, don't take any of this to mean that I think the woman should take on the role of "little wife at home, cooking dinner, raising the kids." I'm not saying that. But, I think these women are horrible examples of women. I think men and women can share home responsibilities, for sure. But, to say you aren't going to cook or clean, EVER - is just not realistic. I don't like to cook, and I think most people don't enjoy cleaning, but they DO it. Duh.

Anyway, the whole thing just irritated me. I sit here pining for marriage and kids, while these women clearly don't appreciate what they have. Worse, they think they deserve the lives they have. I'm not sure why...

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Things just aren't working out...

Do you ever feel like things just aren't meant to "work out" for you? Like, everyone else's lives will move forward and be relatively happy...but not yours?

I took some vacation time last week and tried out for something. Now, since I'm a little anonymous, I won't go into too much detail. Let's just say I have a talent and I decided to go for it and give this a whirl.

The day before my trip, I got sick. We're talking horrible cold, neverending snot, congestion, I don't ever want to get out of bed, sick. And here I had to still get going on my "vacation."

I made the drive and felt miserable the whole time. As I'm driving, I realize the cold is taking over my voice...which is what I was going to need for this little audition. Right there, I thought, "God hates me." Because, seriously, I can't even remember the last time I was sick or had a cold. Not a clue...which means it was a long time ago.

Now, these types of things are always a long shot, but I will admit that somewhere down deep, I thought I had a shot. I waited in the lines (in the rain/cold) and got in. I auditioned. It didn't work out.

Now, while others would cry right then and there, I honestly don't think I had the energy. I felt so sick and light headed, that I was almost numb. I headed back to where I was staying.

I am now back home, still sick, and in a pretty crappy mood. Is it too much to ask for just ONE thing to go my way? And yes, I realize I'm blessed in many ways (especially on a global level). But, I'm just saying.

I've watched 99% of my friends marry and, now, have families. I've watched them progress in their jobs, go on wonderful vacations, and make exciting plans. They've done all of that while my life seems stagnant. Oh, I've gone on bad date after bad date after bad date...and have nothing to show for it (other than entertaining stories they all love).

I will be 35 next year and that is just not good. I thought my life would be so different and I'm starting to feel like THIS, is it. And THIS, is just not that great, in my opinion. I refuse to be that woman who says, "Well, I just accepted that I was single and all of a sudden life was magical."

Anyway, I'm definitely in a funk and I don't think I'll be popping out of it any time soon.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Phone Etiquette

OK, I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I feel the need to discuss.

Is it just me, or do many married people have horrible phone etiquette? Maybe my old age and many years of single-dom have jaded me, but wow. I'm losing all kinds of patience for how people are on the phone.

For instance, when a married friend calls me. If I'm free at that moment, of course I pick up and chat. The conversation will be going great, no issues. But then, 8 minutes in, this friend's husband (of many years) calls (not for anything urgent/life threatening). She's now got to "cut me short" and take his call. What IS that? Why am I being cut short when she's the one who called me?

The best part? Then the friend calls back, after talking to her husband. (like I'm just sitting around waiting for her call) I'm sorry, but I just think this is plain rude. It's happened with multiple friends, too. I can understand, if we've been on the phone for an hour or whatever, but a few minutes? And I'd also understand if it was a new guy they were dating. But, neither apply to this scenario.

There have been plenty of times when a friend has called me and we've had a good chat. And maybe I'd like to end the call, but don't want to be rude. I don't interrupt them and say I've got to "cut them short" or say, "OK, well, our dinner's ready...so I've got to go." Or, "well my husband's home, gotta go."

I'm sorry, but I just think this is rude. Yes, I said it again. I don't have a built in way to "let someone go" on the phone, nor would I ever do that. You see and talk to your husband EVERY day. You can spare 30 minutes on the phone, or whatever. I can't imagine cutting a friend off when someone else beeps in (unless I was expecting a call or something). That is why they invented call waiting, voicemail, & texting!

Also, if you know you don't have much time to chat. DON'T call someone! I hate when someone calls me and opens with, "I'm almost home, but wanted to call..." Nope, don't bother.

OK, just had to get that off my chest. Now I feel better. Does this happen to any of you? Or am I just plain crazy?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sucky

Hello everyone! I know, it's been a while since my last post. I guess I haven't felt super motivated for much, including blogging. But, hopefully I can get back in the swing.

So, I'm now pretty much recovered from my minor surgery. And, I've started running again. I was getting a little stir crazy the last few weeks, so I'm thrilled to be running again. When I run, I feel like myself. I can think things through, I can zone out, I can sweat, I can burn off aggression/frustration. These are all things I wanted to do when I was laid up, but couldn't.

It's been over two months since my dad passed. Obviously, I'm still pretty early in the grieving process. My siblings and I had a complicated relationship with our dad (he wasn't around much when we were kids). So, I feel like I'm grieving the fact that we didn't really get much time with him. Period. And that, is unfair. It's unfair that he wasn't a great dad (when he should have been) and that once he decided to improve, we only got a few years of that.

I know, the positive people out there will say - "at least he made some improvements." But, come on, if your dad missed your childhood, would you be that pumped about a few years in your adult life? Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm working through that and just letting myself feel whatever I do. Right now, I'm in the "anger" phase, if anyone's tracking.

OK, dating.

Yah, I'm not dating. And here's my current thought on the whole thing. RIP OFF! I commented on a fellow blogger's post today, saying this. I feel a decision has been made for me, without my consent. Someone has decided that I will either be single/childless and/or have to struggle so hard to actually meet "the one" that I'll just give up out of fatigue. I go back to the word I mentioned earlier - UNFAIR.

I think back on all the stuff I've gone through in life WITHOUT that built in support of a boyfriend/husband. And, to top it off, I got to attend my dad's funeral, sitting with my siblings...and their families. For all intents and purposes, I was alone.

There was no husband there, putting his arm around me, hugging me, telling me it'll be alright. Nope. Believe me, that would have been great, both at the funeral and during the days at the hospital.

And if one more person comments on how "strong" I am (not talking to you, bloggers/readers), I'll lose it. If God is trying to make me the strongest person ever, then I'm not ready for whatever else He's throwing my way. I'm not THAT strong...lay off!

It's so frustrating to want something and to put the effort in (going on dates), but see no results. I don't even see it happening any time soon. And, since I do want children, I feel like time is running out.

Now, do I realize how whiny I sound? Yes. In a world where an earthquake/tsunami ROCKED Japan, where there is starvation, children suffering, AIDS, etc. I'm aware. I'm aware that my teeny problem of not wanting to be single isn't the end of the world.

But, in the same breath, how come all of MY friends have husbands/families...and didn't seem to go through 1/4 of the work I do, in terms of number of dates, weirdos, etc.?

These are the things that keep me up at night...crazy though it might be.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Sedentary Life

Ugh! Some of you may remember I mentioned I was having some minor surgery in early March, which would take me off of exercise for a bit. Well, that bit is killing me. We're going on week 3 and it'll at least be 4 weeks before I'm allowed to do anything.

The first 5 days were no fun, as I was laid up and couldn't do much. Then I could move around more...but still not do much. Now, I'm more mobile, but still not allowed to exercise...AT ALL. Grrr!

If any of you are regularly active, you know how much you miss it when you can't do it. I miss running so much right now! So, last night, I came home, hoping to do a modified (non-cardio) workout. Just something, to make me feel like I'd done something.

I put in a 20 minute pilates DVD, only to find out my DVD/VCR remote is broken, so I can't select the workout on the DVD. Then I put in old 8 minute Abs/Buns VHS tapes. All I could see were squiggly lines. My stability ball needs to be inflated, so I couldn't do a ton with that either. All in all, I did some pushups, some abs, and some leg extensions that work the butt/thighs.

I guess I'm really NOT supposed to work out right now?

Keep in mind that I have zero will power for food or sweets, so I haven't really changed my eating habits during this hiatus. Whoopsy! Luckily (so far), it hasn't hurt me yet. I haven't been on the scale, but I don't feel like I've gained anything (and my clothes fit).

Here's hoping my metabolism holds out for a couple more weeks!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Cadbury Eggs

Well, it's that time of year...Cadbury Eggs are finally "in season!"

Here's the thing, I've loved (literally, loved) Cadbury Eggs for as long as they've been around. I know, I know. "They're so gross...way too sweet!" "What IS that yellow stuff in the middle?" "Ewwww, how can you eat that?" "It's just too much, blech!"

Every year, I have the same hope/plan. Every year, I eat the first one and hope that THIS will be the year. This will be the year I realize I'm too old for these. This will be the year where I realize how disgusting these really are. This will be the year when I say, "Oh, that's way too rich for me."

And every year...that hope is dashed. It's dashed by chocolatey, sugary, yummy, goodness. Every year, I enjoy them as much, if not more, than the previous year.

The good news is, I'm a pretty dedicated exerciser. I run 30-40 miles a week, and am usually training for a marathon.

The bad news is, I just discovered that they now have 5 packs of Cadbury Eggs!!! I mean, they've had the 4 packs for ages, but 5 packs? Really? Proof is below...

So, this is a problem - big time!

The even worse news? I'm having some minor surgery next week, which will take me OUT of running for a minimum of 3 weeks! Yep, I'll be laid up on the couch for 5 days, then ZERO running for 2 weeks after that. Sedentary life, here I come!

Please pray that I don't balloon to a size that requires new clothing! I'm banking on the fact that I won't be AS hungry when my activity level is less.

I'm going to enjoy my last few runs and try to enjoy the "down" time. Everyone needs a break from time to time.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ramblings...

It's been 4 weeks since my Dad passed. It's weird...in some ways it feels like it's been longer and, in other ways, it does feel that recent.

I'm still in some disbelief that any of this happened. I have accepted that it did...but part of me can't believe that it did. Does that make any sense?

My dad is going to miss out on so many things. For example, he got to see my siblings marry and have kids...while I will not get to have that same experience. It makes me sad to think that if I ever do get married, he won't be the one walking me down the aisle. For lack of a better thing to say, "It's not fair!!!"

I'm sure I have so many stages of this yet to go through. I've gotten back into my routine and I've caught up with what I missed at work. It feels good to be back on a schedule.

As far as dating goes, I have no clue (as always) what may come next, if anything. I'd like to think my gut was right on the last one. I think something in us knows when something is right/going well.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ben #2 and other news...

Hello all...I know it's been a few weeks since my last post. Unfortunately, the night after my last post, a whole mess of stress came my way.

My dad went into the hospital unexpectedly. He passed away the following week. It's been a very difficult and stressful time. We buried him a few days before my birthday.

I'm still sorting through all of this and it will obviously be a difficult road ahead.

So, the night that this happened, I was out to dinner with Ben #2. Dinner was just ok, I could tell that I just wasn't feeling the interest anymore. Then, somehow, kids came up. I mentioned that I really enjoy kids and think they're great.

His reply? "I'm not sure I want to have kids. There's other stuff I want to do...I want to travel...Kids are messy..." Yah, those are direct quotes. Now, I have no judgment about him not wanting kids or not being sure whether he wants kids. However, being that I'm in my 30s and 6 years older, I don't have that same luxury. I know I want kids, no doubt about it. I may not get to have them, but that's not the same thing. Side note: When I think about kids, the first word that comes to mind isn't "messy." Nope, it's not even in my top ten...even though I know they are messy.

It was at this point in the date that I made it clear that I do want to have kids (normally I wouldn't be gung ho about that early on, but because of his statements, I thought I should just say it). By the end of the evening, I think we both felt that things were "off" a bit. He asked if I wanted to keep hanging out, and I said we could go out again.

Truth be told, I wanted to give it another shot, but I sort of felt like this had run it's course.

Then, my dad went into the hospital...and my life has been upside down/sideways for the last 3 weeks (and will likely continue to be). Now, he did text/call a few times during that, but for some reason, he didn't check the site we posted updates to. So, he didn't realize my dad had passed for 5 days! I'm not penalizing him for this, but you'd think (if he's interested) he'd check the site and keep up (like all of my other friends/family).

He sent me a message on FB letting me know he just found out and that he was sorry. I replied with a sort of generic thank you message, thanking him for his sympathy, and letting him know it was a rough couple of weeks.

In my mind, that was sort of the end of our little "thing."

Cut to last night...when my phone rang and it was him. He left me a VM about wanting to chat, etc. Again, I can't penalize him for his effort, but the timing is just really bad. I'm having a hard time making simple decisions right now, I'm grieving, I'm sad. And the last thing I want to worry about is calling/going out with a guy that I was pretty sure I wasn't interested in before all of this happened.

So, now I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I've posted this to all of you before - about whether you can blow off via email/FB/whatever. I'm in my 30s (as previously stated) and I don't want to be a total immature jerk about this. The thing is, Ben #2 and I went on a few dates, so I feel he deserves a phone call. However, I'm so not able to deal with any of this right now. I just don't know what to do (again, the whole "can't make decisions" thing).

As always, I welcome your thoughts/opinions, even if they include that you think I'm nuts!

UPDATE: Ben #2 sent me a text while I was home for lunch. He was basically asking if he should stop calling me so I don't have to have the awkward conversation with him. I appreciate his direct-ness (because he was right). However, I mean, it had been less than 24 hours since he called...it's not like it had been 4 days. But, whatever. Anyway, my plan was that I'd call him tonight to explain, but then he texted me. So...

I replied to his text, letting him know that the timing isn't right and that I need time to work through the stuff I'm going through. So that is that.

Oh, you can still offer your opinions...go right on ahead!

Monday, January 17, 2011

How fast is too fast?

OK, we've now passed official date #2 with "Ben." The date went well and I had a good time. We finished it off by watching a movie at his house. Before your dirty minds go anywhere...it was all good clean fun. But, he is definitely moving things along. (We saw each other Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.)

So, when I got home...I had this weird feeling of, "Do I like him?" That sent me into a stress spiral for the rest of the weekend.

For all intents and purposes, this guy is doing everything right. I mean, he's a lot of the things I've always said I wanted in a person. And, I do like that he is those things.

But, I'm trying to figure out if it's moving too quickly? Because, I went from being excited that he's texting me...to not sure whether I like him.

Granted, we still hardly know each other. So, I definitely want to continue to get to know him and see what happens. But, I also want to figure out what my "deal" is!

I think I'm under a lot of pressure (unintentional) from friends. I can't tell you how many people ask about it...and then get overly girly excited. It's too much for me. I find it odd that they freak out more than I do! So, part of me feels like I'm going to be "in trouble" or "too picky" if it doesn't work out.

I know I need to just listen to myself and trust my own heart. But, I don't want to miss out on a great guy because I'm scared. I also don't want to force myself to date someone that just isn't a match (for whatever reason).

I am very independent and I haven't really ever had a serious relationship. My guess is that these are big contributors of my little panic attack. I'm sure my mind is thinking, "Really? This fast? So unexpected..."

So, for now, I'm going to keep seeing where this goes. And maybe, as he and I get to know one another better, I can just tell him that I need it to move slowly.

Any advice from my fellow bloggers would be much appreciated!!!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Still going well...

Since our date last week, there have been more phone calls and a lot of texting! I have to admit, it's just good. And, to quote a fellow blogger, it's EASY.

Now, I realize that it's still pretty dang new with this fella, but it is easy. I don't have any of that phone call panic. You know, where you freak out when they're calling and then get nervous to call back. And then you get nervous about what to say...and then what they say, and then what you might say... You get the idea!

And typically, I ask my friends a ton of questions before I do something (such as calling/texting/whatever). Not this time. If I want to text him, I do. If he feels like calling me, he does. There are no games!

Now, normally, I would say that I wouldn't want to meet a guy in a bar, or discuss politics and religion early on. Those are pretty hot topics and I think it's best to wait a bit. Here's what's funny... We met in a bar (but not by chance), we discussed politics on our first date, and we discussed religion on one of our long phone calls. Luckily, neither of us are offended by the other's stance, so we're fine. But, it's just funny.

We like each other, plain and simple. And that, is a welcome change of pace from my usual dating debacles!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Part Deux - SUCCESS!

Finally, a positive dating experience to blog about.

I went out with "Ben" on Saturday night. We joined up with a few other couples at someone's house. It was a great night! We had great conversation (between the two of us) on the drive there and back. I think it was clear by the end of the night that we like each other.

I actually walked into my house and thought, "Yep, I like him. Uh huh." I never say that...trust me.

He and I discussed making plans to go out this week, so I figured I'd hear from him. Well, he texted and then called me yesterday afternoon. I'm so glad he didn't do the "wait two days" thing. We already have plans to go out this Friday. Yay!

Again, no matter what happens with this one, I already feel validated. When you like someone, you don't care if they call the next day (as opposed to someone you just aren't feelin' it with). And you want to see them again soon. And it feels comfortable when you're with them. I mean, I feel like I just know him. I'm not nervous around him at all.

Anyway, I'm saying prayers that whatever God wants for this, happens (whether it be what I want or not). Because, I'm just glad to be having a GOOD experience, for the first time in a long while.

Cross your fingers for me, blogger friends!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Part Deux is a GO!

So, when I last posted about "Ben" Part Deux, I really wasn't sure whether anything would come of it.

Since then, there have been behind the scenes conversations, with me OK'ing the passing along of my number. I guess he'd recently been on a few dates with another girl, and wasn't sure if he wanted to see where that went.

I didn't really expect to hear anything until after the new year...if at all. Well, surprise, surprise! He called me while I was visiting a close friend. Wahoo! Honestly, when I got the voicemail, my friend and I were like couple of high school girls!

Anyway, I called him back the next day and he invited me to a party (where we both know the hosts). I think this is good. We'll go together, which gives us time to chit chat on the way, but still it's a low pressure, casual situation.

Since setting that up, we've talked on the phone another time, for about an hour. So far, so good. Conversation was easy and there weren't many awkward pauses. I mean, it will have been about 3 weeks since we've actually seen one another, by the time we go to this party. But I think that's ok.

It feels good to have interest in someone again. I mean, this could all continue to go well, or we might not click on the next meeting. Either way, as I said before, it just feels good to NOT have a horrible experience.