Friday, November 2, 2012

Politics & Facebook don't mix...

Don't worry, I'm not going to post anything about my political beliefs here.  I also don't post anything political to Facebook.  Nor do I generally "like" anything political (ads or statuses) on Facebook.  And the story I'm about to tell is exactly why.

My brother posted a status the other day.  It was completely harmless with no agenda whatsoever.  The basic point was that we should respect whoever is IN office, no matter what party we associate with.  And that he was sick of all the FB posts.  That's it.

I will admit that I "liked" the status, as did several other people.  I didn't notice, though, that several people also decided to comment on the status.  Oh, and boy did they comment!

My mom called me the other day, asking if I'd seen all the comments.  I had not.  Anyway, she was quite upset by something another relative (Dad's side of the family) said in the comments.  To be fair, what he said was completely straight out of crazy town.  But still.  So then she went on and on about how much she can't stand that family and how she's so glad she's not a part of that family and blah blah blah.

I told her I'd have to go and check out the comments and that it did sound like this relative's comment was out of line or whatever.  And then I said, "Can you please think about what you're saying when you say 'I am so glad not to be a part of that family and I can't stand them'?  Because I am a part of that family.  I have the same last name."  She instantly tried to hang up on me.  I stopped her and said, "You don't get to call and express your opinion/feelings on something and then hang up on me when I try to share mine."

Anyway, the end result was her hanging up on me.  Awesome.  And I wasn't disagreeing with her at all.  I was simply asking that she not be disrespectful of my family.  Hey, if she wants to call her best friend and rant about how horrible my family is...she can go ahead.  But, in my opinion, she should NOT be sharing those feelings with me or my siblings.  It's wrong and I'm at a point where I just won't allow it.  While I disagree with that relative's comment, I also know them to be a good person.  And, they are my FAMILY.  

So, thank you, politics and FB, for making things awkward.

"Being single sucks"

So...my friends who are potentially getting a divorce are still trying to figure that all out.  I was talking to the husband the other night.  He moved into his own apartment a few months back, until they make a decision.

He's struggling with the "single" life and sometimes I just want to SHOUT at him.  Granted, he dated her in college and got married right out of college, and is now in his 30s.  But still...

I guess it's just that he's constantly complaining about being single.  And how hard it is.  And how he doesn't have social plans.  Or, he is at the bars every night and doesn't want to be.  Or, he keeps hanging out with some of his married friends and knows he can't do that all the time.

Um, HELLO???

I know I need to have some sympathy, but it's becoming more difficult.  Seriously, man, figure this shit out.  It's just NOT that hard.

Recently, he complained about being at the bar late on a week night.  And I asked him if he ever just stays in for the night.  Ya know, read a book, watch TV, or just BE.  He said he sometimes does that, but doesn't like it.  And then he says, "Being single sucks."

Yep, he, who has been married for a number of years, says to me, who has been single for a number of years, "Being single sucks."

Thanks.

I'm not saying I've never had that thought, or that I can't empathize.  But, dear God, he's been "single" (not really, since, technically he's still married) for about 8 months.  I've been single for a lot longer.  If he's struggling at 8 months, I have concerns.

Moreover, being single does NOT suck all the time.  YOU have to make your life the best it can be - regardless of the circumstances.  Honestly, of course I wish I were in a relationship right now, or already married and having kids.  But, I'm not.

This year has been truly fantastic, and I don't think I've spent much of it lamenting my single status.  Ya know why?  I've made the EFFORT to have fun, make plans, enjoy my solo time, and just be happy.  I'm not walking around complaining all the time.

If you can't just be by yourself in your apartment, I think that's a little weird.  Who needs to be out every night of the week?  Am I missing something?  Most nights for me include a workout after work, maybe an errand, working at one of my side jobs, dinner with a friend, or going home to eat dinner and watch a little TV.  Sometimes I have actual stuff like laundry or dishes to do.  I don't think this makes me pathetic.  It's called life.  My married friends are likely doing similar things during the week.

I guess I just find it interesting that for all the advice that's constantly pushed on me about what I should do (regarding my single status), that I have to listen to complaints from someone who isn't technically even single yet.

End rant.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Such the dilemma...

A friend and I were recently emailing about my single status, and she informed me she might have some potential set-ups for me.

Unfortunately, these men are all divorced...with kids.

Before you get all worked up into a tizzy, I've discussed this issue before.  Why not discuss it again, eh?  

Let's go back to when I was less cynical, younger, and actually thought I'd be married in my early 20s.  Oh, those were the days...

Back then, it never even occurred to me that I would marry someone who had already been married before. It definitely never occurred to me that I could marry someone with children.  I mean, seriously?

Those were the idealistic days where I thought I'd meet my future husband while at college.  And we'd date there...have tons of fun...and later marry, after graduation.  I'm sure a white picket fence was somewhere in our future as well.

OK, back to reality!

Over the years, I've had to relax a bit on my expectations of the person I will marry.

Exhibit A:  Divorce no longer bothers me.  Sometimes, marriages don't work out.  Now, if the issue is that he was a big cheater face...then I'm not remotely interested.  Sorry.  Oh yeah, if you've been divorced more than once, I'm probably out.  I come from a parent with multiple marriages/divorces, no thank you.  

It was a BIG deal for me to come to terms with this possibility.  Yeah, I still may marry someone who also hasn't been married before, but I'm also allowing myself the possibility that the man I marry may have a divorce under his belt.  And that's ok.

Now, being a tall girl, I really haven't relaxed too much on the height thing.  You can call it silly or whatever, but it's just way too big a pill for me to swallow.  I am just not attracted to a guy who is short or visibly shorter than I am.  I might add, there are likely many men who aren't attracted to me, because of my height.  I get it.  I'm fine with that.
Now, the reason for this post.  Potential set-ups who already have children.  Ugh.

Let me say that I absolutely LOVE children.  I love being an aunt and my friends' kids and I are best buds.  And I really want to have kids of my own someday.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent.  Or with already having kids and trying to navigate the dating world.  I can't imagine how tough that would be.  

My issue is that I just don't have a desire to be a stepmother or be in a blended family.  As I've said before, I have had stepmothers, and...ICK.  I know full well that I'd be a great stepmother to my spouse's children, but again, I just don't want to be in that position.  I don't want to deal with the ex-wife/mother (whether it's a good relationship or not).

Growing up with a broken family/home was not ideal.  While I've gotten over that, so to speak, it's still not what I want for MY family.  I just want my husband and I to create our own family.

So, I thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and politely asked if I could have some time to consider it (while conveying that it's not likely I'm up for the set-up).  She is awesome and handled it fine.  Love her!

Anyway, this recent conversation just reminds me that I'm not quite ready to give up on creating my own family someday.  And I don't think I should have to.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Busy busy busy!

OK, I guess I haven't posted in a bit.  This is likely due to the fact that I've been pretty busy lately and the blog has fallen by the wayside.  Sorry! 

I'm a little stressed out at work, but hopefully that is going to improve soon.  Just had a bunch of stuff rain down on me all at once...with no relief in sight.

Don't you hate it when a co-worker makes a mistake (a big one) and yet YOU'RE the one who has to overhaul the process and identify risks, areas of improvement, etc.?  It's like there is no longer accountability when you make a mistake.  Grrr! 

And...I'm running a marathon this weekend.  My 10th!  I'm really looking forward to a weekend away and visiting with friends.  And, of course, doing some shopping for things I don't need, but really really want. 

I don't have a time goal for this marathon, especially considering this nagging injury.  I'm just hoping to finish and not be in too much pain.  And, then I'll have to make the drive home...four and a half hours.  It's going to be a long day...but hopefully a lot of food will be consumed somewhere in there! 

Wish me luck!   

 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

More perspective...

Early this year, I think I posted about gaining some perspective about a married friend whose husband wasn't too happy (though, you'd think his life was perfect).  And their marriage is struggling now.  It's been tough to watch.  

I have another friend who is having trouble in her marriage.  She wants something that he doesn't want.  (You can guess what that is.)

Anyway, it occurs to me that in both cases, the couples met in college, and married just after.  So, they were what...22 years old?  Now, I totally thought I'd meet my husband while at college and marry right after graduation.  Isn't that what you do?

When it didn't happen, I was disappointed, of course.  Partially because I was either in or going to all of my friends' weddings.  So, I was surrounded by what I didn't have for myself.

But, I realized at one point that I would have been a terrible girlfriend in college.  I was busy.  I was super involved, overbooked on classes, and running all over - all the time.  When did I think I had time for a boyfriend?  So, I got over being sad that it didn't happen in college.

However, then the years began to pass by...with several crappy dates among them.  And, none of them resulting in a relationship or marriage.  At this point, my friends were all having kids and I was now attending multiple baby showers.  Awesome.

Getting back to the point of this post.  While I think that my situation is crap and unfair, I have friends who are struggling in their marriages.  And they're asking themselves some pretty tough questions.  I'm sure they never thought they'd be in this place.  I'm also sure that I've thought they were "set" and had a perfect situation going, multiple times.

To be perfectly honest?  With what they're going through, I'm totally fine being single.  Because, my single-ness is a choice, to a degree.  I decided not to date some douchebag whom I don't really like, just for the sake of dating him.  I decided to stand my ground and know what I want and what I deserve in a husband.  Some people may call that picky, but I say it means I know myself.  And I know my worth.

This is not to say that my friends don't know their worth or that they married bad people.  It is to say, that when we meet someone when we're SO young and marry them right out of college - I'm not sure how well we really know ourselves?

I mean, if you marry right out of college, you miss out on some key stuff (in my opinion).

  • Living on your own - NO roommate.  You learn how to be alone and with yourself.  If you can't spend a Sunday by yourself, I think something is wrong there.  
  • Paying bills.  I am a firm believer in the experience of paying your own bills and doing a budget on your own.  I mean, what a great life skill!  I'm certainly no financial wizard, but I do feel good knowing that I can do it on my own.  (I'll gladly pass this off to my husband, if I ever get married!)  The point is, if I ever marry and, God forbid, end up alone again - I won't have that "Oh crap!" moment.  I'll know that I did it by myself before, so I can do it again.
  • Being on your own.  Period.  I think you can learn so much about yourself when you have that time without a boyfriend/husband/spouse.  Of COURSE I want to meet that person and share my life with them.  But, I think there's value in the time I've spent on my own.  For example, I'm outgoing - so I know a lot of people in my community.  And that isn't because my husband introduced me, or I met people through kids activities...it's because I took the initiative to get out there and meet people (whether they were potential mates or not).  
I'm not saying I have figured this whole "single" thing out.  No way.  Not even close.  But I come back to the word perspective.

When I've thought my situation was total crap and everyone else had it made, I was wrong.  I'd rather be single and have a full life (which is what I feel I have), than be married and feel lonely or alone in that marriage; and not know a way out of it.

This isn't to say I've given up on being married.  Um, no way!  But I'm trying to widen my perspective to realize that just because people are married and things "seem" fantastic, they aren't always going that well.  

Why Online Dating is Dumb

If any of my readers didn't already know it...let me say it again.  I absolutely hate online dating.  I think it's horrible and unnatural.  If YOU have found love that way, I am happy for you (really).  But, I have never gotten the appeal and therefore, have only given it 20% effort on multiple sites.

Just off the top of my head, here are some things I hate about it:

1)  If you want a somewhat reputable site (but still no guarantee that you'll meet the love of your life), you are required to PAY for it.  And hey, I get it.  They're providing a service.  So, you must pay.  But, at least when I pay my cable bill, I'm guaranteed I'll have a million cable channels/shows to watch.  If the cable goes out...I call them and typically, they will credit you for the outage.  With online dating...if you don't meet anyone...um, they have your money.  And you're no better off.

2)  I think I've said this before in another post.  But let me say it again.  Many people don't post pictures with their online dating profiles.  This, is ridiculous.  If I met you in a bar, at the coffee shop, or just out at Target - I'd see your face!  Duh!  So, to hide online is dumb.  I don't even reply to people who don't have a profile pic.

2a)  People post out of date, more flattering pics of themselves, that look nothing like they do now.  OK, eventually, you might meet the person you're communicating with.  Wouldn't it be best to post a current pic of yourself?

2b)  Guys who post pics of their bare chests will not get responses from me.  I don't even know how this even seems like a good idea?!?!  I'm certainly not posting pics of me in my sports bra...just so they can see "the goods."  What's wrong with posting a pic of yourself, fully clothed, and looking good?

3)  Guys who don't seem to READ my profile.  I specifically select my religious denomination on my profile. To take it a step further, I talk about my faith in my profile description.  I don't go into crazy detail or anything, but still.  It's clear when you read my profile that I'm looking for someone who shares a belief in God.  And yet, that doesn't stop every single guy who has selected "non-religious" or "atheist" as their religion, from contacting me and wanting to get together.  They clearly aren't even reading my profile!  Duh!  I have no problem with anyone being non-religious or atheist, but it's not what I'm looking for in a potential mate.  I even had a guy message me saying, "I don't know how religious you are, but I'm not really into that."  Um, ok... 

4)  OMG - the lame messages must stop!  I'm only "using" one free site right now and after the last few messages I received, I will be signing off.  (Side note:  I abhor profiles and/or messages with poor grammar and spelling.  Hoping my "dream" guy can spell and speak properly.)  I find there are two types of messages with these sites.

Message #1:  "How's it going?" or "Nice pic."  And then, that's it.  I guess I'd prefer a bit more "meat" to the message...ya know, since we don't know each other?  Yes, I could respond, "It's going well."  And then where would we be?

Message #2:  OK, I'm not even going to type what these messages are, because they are DIRTY!  OMG - so horrible.  I don't even know how to describe them, but I'd say I've gotten maybe 5 horrifically dirty, naughty messages.  One of which I received over the weekend.  ICK.  I'm sure they don't expect a reply, but seriously?  What is the point?  So disgusting and unnecessary.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to bore you TOO much.  Online dating rarely gives me hope that I'll meet someone, but actually makes me feel like there are even more jerks/losers/weirdos out there - which is depressing.   

Monday, September 10, 2012

Sometimes, people don't think...

Remember the post about my friends who are potentially going through a divorce?  Well...that's still going on.  And while I'm no longer speaking to the woman (who was my friend to begin with), I'm still in contact with her husband.

I've been a sounding board and a friend, but I've never (for the most part) said anything negative about his wife/my friend or told him he should divorce her.  (Even though, that is what I do think he should do.)

Anyway, our contact in the last few months has been much more limited.  I've not inquired about the status of their relationship and just haven't heard much from him.  This is totally fine with me.  The more in the dark I am, the better.

But, he did call me this weekend...and sounded pretty down.  I guess they are "trying" to work their marriage out, but things still aren't going well.  From his perspective, he's putting in all the effort and she's not doing much.  Considering she's the cheater here, I guess one would hope she'd step up.

So, based on what he told me, I really don't understand why he wants to stay married to her.  I mean, doesn't that seem odd?  And yes, I realize it's a huge deal to get divorced.  I'm just saying that if she makes him feel like total crap...what's the attraction there?

Back to the title of this post.  He was talking about how his friends have good relationships/marriages and how their wives are so great.  And he says to ME..."Where's MY wife?  Where's MY good relationship?"  (Keep in mind, he's been with her since college and some of those years have been pretty happy.)

OK, I'm not trying to be a Sensitive Sally here...but really?  He's saying that to ME?  The woman in her mid-thirties who ISN'T married but would LIKE to be?  Really?  For realz?

I did call him out.  I said, "Hey, you don't have to tell me that.  Since, ya know, I would like to be married and have been wondering about where MY husband is for a while.  So, you're only gonna get SO much sympathy from me on that, Mister."

And then he made comments about how he's sick of being alone on the weekends or not having plans, etc.  I get it, I do.  He's USED to being in a marriage/relationship and this is all new.  But I'm a firm believer in people (married or single) being ABLE to be alone on a weekend or just with themselves for a time.  Is it that hard?  Really?

It's hard for me to feel bad about him not having plans on a Saturday night.  I've spent plenty of Saturday nights without plans.  And I'm surrounded by married people with kids...like, I have maybe 2 single friends.  I fill my weekends with races, a side job (that is fun), drinks with friends, etc.  And, if I have a day of the weekend where I'm at home, I'm honestly not upset about it.  Ya know why?  I have laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying, etc. to do!  I don't know that anyone's weekends are filled with non-stop fun, all the time.

Anyway, I feel like I've put up with a lot of insensitive comments from married people over the years.  And now, in this case, the shoe is on the other foot...and of course, I will bite my tongue.           

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Breathe and Realize

So, I ran a half marathon this weekend.  And, I was fairly nervous about it. 

Now, I'm no elite runner, so it's not like my nerves had to do with trying to win prize money.  But, I do have a marathon in a little over a month...and I had just taken the entire week OFF from running. 

Why, you might ask?  Well, I've got an injury.  It's super annoying, painful, and annoying - yes, I know I said that twice.  I'm going to physical therapy for it and also doing the stretches/exercises he recommends.  But, the whole thing is just frustrating, when all I want to do is run. 

So, when I woke up the morning of the race, I just thought, "Nope, I don't feel like doing this today.  Nuh uh.  Not gonna go well."  But, I got my butt out of bed and headed to the race anyway.  I did a very short warmup jog and decided that that would have to do. 

And honestly, I really thought the race would be a train wreck, with me finishing 40+ minutes slower than my normal times.  And that is fine...really.  But, I just didn't WANT to be out there that long and in pain, struggling to finish. 

So, after my warmup, I said a little prayer.  And it went something like this:

Dear God, please let me run smart today.  Let me know when I need to stop/quit, if necessary, and when I need to slow down and take it easy.  Let me run how I feel.  Let me remember that my ability to run is a GIFT.  That this injury is TEMPORARY, and not permanent like so many others face every day of their lives.  Let me remember that I can run - even with this injury, which is fortunate.  Let me enjoy the day and utilize this run as a stress reliever and a reminder of how blessed I am with good health. 

With that prayer, I felt more relaxed and the anxiety level took a dive.  The race started and I turned on my pop tunes.  I felt good.  I felt strong.  And I just ran however my body was telling me to run.  The first half was fairly fast.  I slowed down a bit for the second half, but still felt pretty good. 

I finished about 4 minutes slower than my previous PR.  And I'm pleased.  I had taken a week off from running, I have an injury, and I even snuck in a few short walk breaks.  So, I'm happy with how it went.

The biggest takeaway is that prayer.  It centered me and it truly reminded me about how I'm fortunate to even be able to do this.  To run.  So what if a race doesn't go well...or I have a minor injury (that will eventually heal)?  I'm healthy.  And there are so many who don't have that luxury. 

Always good to remember the positives in our lives...even if there's sucky stuff going on.     

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Oh yeah, this is real...

So...in the last 2 days, 2 different people have informed me that these are, in fact, a real thing - on shelves now.  CRAP! 

WHY, oh why can't the Cadbury Egg people keep these eggs to their original season...Easter?  I struggle enough once a year.  Not to mention all the other crap I eat.  I'm 99% certain there were Cadbury Creme "Ornaments" at Christmas last year.  Not good, folks.  Not good. 

I have not had one of these yet, but I'm sure I'll try one (and ignore the green insides).  So much for trying to drop a few pounds before my next marathon... 

Where's my handyman?

I had a teeny tiny "why me" moment last night. 

I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and then left the bathroom.  I came back in a few minutes later, and it was still running.  And then I heard/saw leaking from the handle.  Yep, the tank was filling too high and basically overflowing.  So, water was all over the place and I was frantically grabbing towels to soak it up. 

Yes, I know the first thing to do is turn the water off.  But, due to my panic, no matter which way I turned that knob...NOTHING happened!  After a few minutes, I finally got the water to the toilet turned off and finished drying up my flooded river on the bathroom tile. 

Here's the thing, I wouldn't say my dad was super handy.  But, the FIRST person I wanted to call was my dad.  I mean, that's just a dad thing.  I would have called him and he would have talked me through a few things and then I would have dealt with it further today.  But, I couldn't call my dad.  So, that bummed me out a little. 

And then I had the "why am I single/it's not fair" moment.  I mean, I'm aware that I could be married to a guy who has no handyman skills whatsoever, but at least he'd be there...or I could call him.  Or something...rather than dealing with it all by myself.  I was heading somewhere and trying to rush anyway, so this put a crimp in my plans. 

I would have loved to have said, "Honey...do you have this under control?  I'm going to go, but will be back later."  Or, "Honey!  The toilet is leaking...what do I do?" 

I'm fortunate to have a good friend who volunteered her very kind dad to come take a look and fix it.  So, if all goes well, it will be in working order tonight.  Phew.  So, I'm counting my blessings there, as a plumber or me Googling how to fix would be much more expensive/dangerous. 

Anyway, it's those little moments in life where the single thing can get me down.  Again, I"m aware that my future mate may not have been able to do anything more than I did...but we'd be IN the mess TOGETHER! 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Rude question...

A few weeks ago, I was at the gym, getting in my treadmill run.  A former co-worker and her husband came in.  I haven't seen them in a while, so it was good to say hello.  Her husband was on the treadmill next to me and we ended up chatting for most of our run. 

While it was good to catch up on their family/life and find out what was going on, I ended up being a little annoyed.  Because, as we were talking, he asks - "Are you dating someone?" 
Seriously? 

Here's what I've decided.  THAT is a rude question to ask.  It just is.  By asking that question, you're insinuating the following:
  • It's not ok to be single.  There's something wrong with you.  I mean, if you aren't DATING someone...what EVER will you do? 
  • If I answer that I'm not dating someone...it's now awkward for both of us.  I am supposed to feel bad and you just get to enjoy the awkward silence.
  • If I answer that I am dating someone, then you're going to ask me all sorts of details about it - and I may not really want to share that with you. 
    • And then you'll probably ask if I'm going to marry this person, etc.
I don't ever ask married people how their marriages are going.  Ya know why?  It is inappropriate to ask that question.  And it would put them in a potentially awkward situation.  Why doesn't this occur to people? 
Now, I know this guy wasn't trying to be rude, and was probably just curious.  But still...he shouldn't have asked that.  And he (and his wife) know me well enough to know that I would LIKE to be dating/married/have kids.  So, asking me that - knowing that the answer might be NO - is not wise.  Because, if I were dating someone, I'm 99% certain I'd volunteer that to you. 

I had another epiphany as a result of this little situation.  THIS is exactly why single people feel bad about being single.  Don't ask my why it took me this long to figure out. 

But here's the thing.  Yes, I want to date and get married and eventually have children (sooner than later).  BUT, it's not necessarily because everyone else has that.  It's because I truly WANT those things to happen in my life.

While being single isn't my choice, it IS where I'm at right now in my life.  So, I'm trying to make the most of my life and have fun.  2012 has been fantastic so far...and that's had nothing to do with dating. 

So, when married people ask me if I'm dating or whatever - it makes ME feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  When, there are tons of people in the world who CHOOSE to be single - which is great.  It puts an undue pressure on me (whether intentional or not).

If I'm dating someone seriously, believe me, I will shout it from the rooftops.  Until then, please don't ask me if I'm dating.  Thank you.   

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Guess what I'm thinking of doing?

Remember when I cut off my hair (16 inches)?  Well, I did love that, but I didn't love the constant haircuts to keep it up.  So, I've been growing it out since early this year.  Lucky for me, my hair grows ridiculously fast, so it's already nearly to my chin! 

I just got a trim last week, and told my stylist that I wanted to do something a little crazy.  I'd like to get some fun color streaks in my hair - purple/pink/blue.  And she was completely on board.  After talking to a couple girlfriends, they were totally pumped, too. 

So, I'm waiting a bit, until it gets a little longer.  But, I seriously CAN'T wait to get it done!  It'll be a little crazy, but also fun.  And it's totally out of character for me.  So, I'm aware it will shock people, but I don't really care. 

It will probably something CLOSE to this, but nothing is decided yet.  So.  Excited! 

Monday, August 20, 2012

To date or not to date?

OK, I'm hoping I still have a few readers who can give me some advice here. 

No, I'm not dating anyone - nothing new there.  I've been so busy having fun this year, that it really hasn't been an issue. 

So, there's this guy.  We've worked together (my part-time job) for a while and have always gotten along well.  When I first met him, he was dating his long time girlfriend (who I liked).  (They are no longer dating.)I'd say we've gotten closer in the last year. 

We have a lot in common and see eye to eye on most things.  We text.  A LOT.  We talk on the phone probably once a week.  He comes to me for advice on stuff.  I tell him what's going on with me.  We usually hug when we see each other.  And I've been out for drinks/dinner with him (and a few buddies) several times.

Here's the thing.  He's 24.  I'm 35.  :-)  Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Now, I've never really had a crush or anything on him.  But, I will say I've always thought, "Dang, if he were older, I think we'd probably date."  And others have mentioned the idea to me before, in the past.

So, recently, I've had a handful of people make comments to me, such as, "Why don't you and X date?  I don't get it!  You two should date!"  And when I come back with the age difference, no one seems to think it's an issue.

I will say, he's the most mature 24 year old I've ever met.  You'd never know that's how old he is.

I have NO CLUE if people have made the same comments to him.  (Although, I'm curious!)

It's a tricky situation, but I have to say - I think I'd be open to dating him, or at least seeing what's there.  But, I really have no clue how he feels.  If I had to guess, I'd say he's had the same thought as me, "If she were younger, I'd date her."  But who knows?  My radar could be completely wrong.

I feel like all the contact (texts/phone calls) might mean something?  I don't know.  I don't want to mess up our friendship or make either one of us uncomfortable, either.

So, dear readers, what would YOU do?  What are your thoughts on this potential date?  HELP! 


Friendship over...

Hello friends!  I have no right to expect that any of you actually check my blog anymore, since I haven't posted in a long while.  Life has been busy.  Life has been good.  Not sure if those are excuses...but let's go with that. 

So, my last post had to do with a friend of mine who cheated and is potentially going through a divorce. 

Let me catch you up on that sitch:

I finally got in touch with this friend (let's call her WC) - after her avoiding me for weeks.  Prior to making a plan to meet for dinner, there were several text exchanges that were incredibly rude and immature on her part.  We had dinner in late April and she informed me she had feelings for someone else.  Now, to be fair, she had no idea that I knew she'd full on slept with this person.  BUT, she knew most of our other friends knew.  So, I asked if they were "dating," and she said they were.  And then I asked if things were physical.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "No."  So, I sort of repeated that again, giving her another chance, and she still said, "No." 

Not good, folks.  Not good.  It's one thing to keep this from me, but when I ask you flat out and we've been on rocky ground - you should probably tell the truth.  It took all I had not to yell at her.  I sat there and listened, never really came down on her or anything. 

After that, we didn't have much contact.  I made a few attempts to get together with her - and for some reasons, we just couldn't get our schedules together.  Uh huh.  BUT, guess who came to town a few weeks later?  PB.  You remember PB, right?  The guy I met at a race and sort of speed dated for a weekend? 
So, instead of messaging myself or WC's husband that he was in town...he ONLY messaged her.  And they went for a run, dinner, lunch, etc.  She was able to find all sorts of time to spend with him...but couldn't arrange something with one of her best friends.  Hmmm...

And...her husband asked her politely NOT to see PB, because it made him uncomfortable (rightfully so).  She saw nothing wrong with hanging out with a single, attractive guy - when she was supposedly "working" on their marriage.  She even chose hanging out with PB over her husband. 

This also confirms my feelings about PB, that he is gross and looking for action.  He KNEW she was having marital problems and contacted only her, when he's been friendly with her husband in the past as well.  ICK. 

So, WC and I have not really spoken/hung out in months, now.  She's made no effort and I'm at a point where I think she sucks.  I don't think I need to make any sort of effort, because I'm not the one who's done anything wrong.  I recently found out that she thinks she has nothing to apologize to me for and that I'm "making way too much" of this whole thing.  Really?

What am I making too much of?  Let me think...
  • She cheated on her husband, a good friend of mine.  (Now, I'm aware that is THEIR issue, so I can't hold a grudge against her for that.  But, I still have some issues with her doing something like that.)
  • She mislead me from the very beginning, putting blame on her husband and saying she wasn't in love with him...never was.  All the while, she was having an affair with this guy.
  • She stayed in my home while continuing to mislead me about what was going on.
  • She lied to my face when asked a direct question about her involvement with this guy. 
  • She spent time alone with a guy I dated, whom I specifically told her I had issues with.  (I think this is hugely disrespectful.  I'm not saying she can't be somewhat friendly with him, but given her current situation, she shouldn't hang out with him.  And you'd think, out of respect for her friend, she wouldn't WANT to.) 
  • She cut me out throughout this whole thing, when I was nothing but supportive from the get go (obviously I didn't know about the affair at first).  I spent extra time with her, talking things out.  There was no reason for her to think she couldn't talk to me about this.  (And she didn't cut others out.  I know for a fact she was socializing with other mutual friends of ours...but NOT including me.) 
So, if she could narrow it down to WHAT I'm "making too much of," that would be so helpful.

She and I have seen each other through millions of miles (running) and through the deaths of parents.  I guess, when you've been through that, I think you should be able to tell/confess anything to one another.  I'm not sure why she felt like she couldn't tell me.

And if she cared at all about our friendship...even if she doesn't think she needs to apologize, wouldn't you get in touch and find out WHAT is going on?  Wouldn't you want to save the friendship?

I think I'm going to cut my losses here and say good riddance.  It's a shame it had to happen this way, but I'm not going to just let this go.  She needs to be held accountable for her actions - in every way.  I think the way she's treated her still husband throughout this has been awful.  She is not the person I was friends with.  And if this is the "new" version of her...I'm not interested.

So, it's a sad ending, but I have to say - I haven't really missed her.  She has been critical in the past and made rude comments, testing my patience.  The funny thing about this whole thing is how she has always given me relationship/dating advice (unsolicited) - telling me what I should be doing. 

I gotta tell you...I've never been happier being single than watching this whole thing unfold.  Ick.  It's a good reminder that I am strong, independent, and have the self esteem to know what I deserve! 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dilemma...

I know, long time no post. I'm still single...but life is actually pretty good. This post relates to something else.

A good friend of mine recently revealed to me that her marriage was struggling. I met with her a few times, supported her, and spent time talking about it. I even put her up in my home for a few nights. They made the decision to divorce (I'm friends with both of them), but seemed to go back and forth.

Then this friend would tell me reasons why things weren't going right, things that were going on with her, etc. And nothing seemed to match up for me, but I've never been through what they're going through - so what do I know?

Well, as of today, this friend and I haven't spoken since she stayed at my house...which was about a month ago. I've called a few times and she has not returned those calls. I've met with her husband to talk - as a friend - and feel like I've been in better contact with him.

Anyway, he called me last night asking if I wanted to tickets to something, which I couldn't attend. I asked him if everything was ok with her, since she hasn't returned calls or spoken to me. He confirmed they are getting a divorce and then I could tell something was off.

He got uncomfortable and I could tell he wanted to tell me something. So I told him he didn't have to tell me anything and that I didn't want him uncomfortable, but that I felt like something was up, since she's not speaking to me. He put my mind at ease by confirming that it had nothing to do with me.

And then he let it out... She cheated on him...and the relationship with that person is still ongoing.

He was not spiteful about it, either. It tore him up to reveal that to me, and he only did it because he could tell I was concerned about what the heck was going on. I told him I would never reveal to her that he told me and that she will have to admit that to me herself, if she plans to. He went so far as to defend her. I also think he preferred I hear it from one of them than some random person.

OK, so here's where I have issues. First of all, I'm not a huge fan of cheating, as I have personal experience in my family and really, it's just not good. I'm not trying to be judgmental, either - but I think we all know that cheating (on a person, on a test, in life) is just wrong.

Let's set that aside. My friend has had AMPLE opportunity to come clean about this with me. And she hasn't. And now, if she ever does tell me, it won't help - since I already know. She led me to believe she had had thoughts about other people...but hadn't acted on it. I sat and listened to and supported her - NOT knowing that she had stepped out on the marriage.

Let me be honest, I don't think I would have let her stay in my home - had I known she had done this. In a weird way, I feel like I somehow supported her behavior (unknowingly).

Now, I'm fully aware that my above statements are probably WHY she hasn't come forward and told me about this. I get it. But, it's so much worse now, because she should have been honest from the get go.

And let's just say I can get past this...WHY would I ever want to meet this person she's in a relationship with or socialize with them in ANY way? Ick. My opinion of that individual is pretty low.

I know people aren't perfect...and yes, I do have high expectations of others - why shouldn't we expect the best from people? I can accept she made a mistake...but misleading me about that mistake, using me (in a way), telling me other reasons the marriage is in trouble, but not the BIG reason...is/was wrong of her.

At this point, she will have to initiate contact with me. I don't plan to make any calls/texts to connect with her.

Have any of you ever been in this position? What advice/thoughts do you have? I just feel betrayed and I'm not sure the friendship can survive this.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Um, ick...

Sorry for the break in posting. No major reason, but life has been pretty busy!

Anyway, this is a follow up to the last post about PB wanting to get together. I replied to him that I was going to be out of town and couldn't get together. He replied that it was a bummer, but maybe next time.

So, I figured he'd contact my friends that we hung out when he was here last time...which he did. They ran together and had dinner.

Anyway, I spoke with that friend a few days ago. She said PB mentioned his struggles with dating, finding the right person. I said, "Really, what ARE his struggles with dating?" She said he said he's looking for a fun, smart, athletic, and attractive woman. Um, hello? :-)

So then she said he mentioned to her that his issue with me was my religious beliefs. I am religious (not crazy religious, but I have firm beliefs) and he's an athiest. Now, I take NO offense to that. When I find out a guy is an athiest or doesn't have a strong spiritual side, I lose interest as well.

THAT is not the issue I'm irritated about.

Side note: he and I discussed a lot of major issues on our first date, stuff you usually shouldn't. Now, it didn't bother me, because we were having really good discussion. Did my heart break a bit when he said he was an athiest? Yes. Was I still trying to keep an open mind? Yes.

Ok, HERE'S what I'm irritated about. If my religious beliefs (which were discussed over dinner) turned him off/bothered him, then he would have known that when we finished dinner - decision made, right? Instead, he still came over to my house to watch a movie - and proceeded to initiate holding my hand the entire time.

Now, I loved holding hands with him...but I also didn't know he'd already decided I was "too religious." My point is, after our dinner, he could have easily said he wanted to take a rain check on the movie, or whatever. He had already made up his mind...and still came over, and THEN did the hand holding. What the heck?

I've talked to a couple friends about this and their immediate response was, "He wanted to see just HOW religious you were, and what you're willing to do. And when you didn't do anything physical, he probably decided you were a prude/too religious."

ICK.

I'm not naive, I know there are a ton of guys out there like this. But, I also believe there are guys out there who AREN'T like this.

I mean, what if I had gotten really physical with this guy? He would have gotten some free action...full well knowing he wasn't going to pursue me, because I'm too religious. And I just think that's shitty.

Side note: I loved holding hands with him...and if he'd made a move to kiss me, whatever, I would have reciprocated. I tend to be a bit shy in that area, so I didn't make a move. But I reciprocated the hand holding and leaned in close to him while watching the movie - so it's not like I wasn't showing my interest...in my opinion.

Anyway, if I wasn't already turned off by this guy...this clinched it. And if he ever does pass through town again, you can be sure that I'll be too busy to say hello.

I'm sure I'm over-reacting, on some level, but this just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Guess who I heard from?

So, I get home last night and notice I have an FB message from...PB.

First of all, let's just note that I didn't even get excited. I mean, I was just sort of indifferent. The message was basically, "Hey SABI, I'm going to be back in town next weekend and was hoping to have dinner with you and your friends. I'll be in touch as it gets closer. Hope all is well!"

Now, let's just recall that the last contact with him was early November. He's got my phone number and we're FB friends...so there's been opportunity for even platonic messaging. But, there's been nothing.

So, I guess I don't really care that he'll be in town and wants to have dinner. I'm not mad or anything, but I'm also not too psyched to be the girl he leads on (again) when he's in town. It's just too confusing.

Add to that that I already have plans next weekend - which are out of town - and it looks like I'll be able to avoid the whole thing!

Thoughts? Would any of you consider changing your plans in order to see him? (I'm not going to do that...but just curious.)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The grass is always greener...

It's so easy for me to get caught up in all the things I think are going wrong in my life. And then I start looking at everyone around me, who seemingly have the things I don't, and assume life is a bowl of cherries for them.

I had a little "aha" moment last weekend. I was talking with a friend (she & her hubby have a pretty good life going, and it would be easy to assume all is fab). Anyway, we were talking about her husband and she was saying he wasn't thrilled with his job or where he was at in life (happy with her, but not his career & social life). Anyway, I look at him and think, "You're making great money, you have a solid job, you love your wife...life is grand." But HE'S in the situation and still not fully happy.

While I wasn't happy to hear that he's feeling that way, I will say it gave me some much needed perspective. Just because I'm not married and don't have children (two things I really want) doesn't mean there aren't some pretty good things happening in my life.

We all have areas of our lives that aren't going the way we hoped or planned. It doesn't matter who has what, everyone's got their thing that bums them out. It's not like I didn't know this...but this was a good reminder.

Now, don't worry, I haven't turned into Sally Sunshine. But, I'm doing my best to enter 2012 with positivity and a better outlook. Last year was a such a mess, and this year can only get better!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

New Year, New Hope?

I'm behind on posts...and actually feel like I've got about 4-5 posts I could do, if I had time! Anyway, I'll get to those soon.

Today's post is all about positivity. I just celebrated a birthday last weekend. And, while last year's birthday (being so close to my dad's passing) was pretty much sucky, this year was fab. I wasn't really dreading it, even though I do get a bit down when a year passes with no change in my single status...

I slept in, awoke to wonderful posts on my FB page, and a text from family telling me to enjoy my massage appointment they'd made for me at a local spa. Very nice. Not to mention the countless lunches/dinners/cards & gifts throughout the days surrounding my bday.

I went out the night of my birthday and again the next night - had a blast both times! Anyway, it was a few days filled with fun, laughing, and good friends.

So far, 2012 is off to a great start! I'm making some positive financial changes, angling to make changes in my job, and training for another marathon (even ran a 20 miler over the weekend).

Now, I know I need to figure something out as far as dating goes, but I haven't got any bright ideas on that yet. I am sick of blind dates, don't particularly like online, and most everyone I know is married. So...I'm letting that marinate for now.

I feel very blessed to have the best friends on the planet and to have had a wonderful bday. It gives me hope that this could be a really great year.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Eating as a single...

I'm curious, fellow single bloggers...what do you eat?

Do you actually cook meals? Do you eat fast food? Do you heat up microwaveable meals? Do you order pizza?

One of my biggest pet peeves about being single is meals. I'm not a cook (but I do love to bake), so I never really know what to make that doesn't make me feel like I'm 12 years old. For a long while, I'd make those Weight Watchers meals for lunch or dinner, then have some fruit or something. But those got old...and I'm not sure I could eat another one anytime soon.

Breakfast and lunch aren't that hard for me, but dinner is tricky. There are so many recipes I see on Pinterest that I'd like to try. All of them serve 6-8 people! Ugh! And yes, I'm aware I can divide out the recipe, but that is so annoying. Are there any recipes/books devoted to the single person?

Also, you buy the ingredients for this recipe that serves 6 people...you make 1/6 of it for yourself...and now you have all these ingredients and you don't know when/if you'll ever make it again! So now it's an expense/waste.

Sometimes it's just easier to order a pizza and chow down. Thank goodness I'm a runner!

Anyway, just wondering if this bothers any of you and if you have good suggestions?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Am I at that age YET?

Recently, a friend called me to discuss a potential set-up. The guy was a good friend of hers and she wanted to scope out the potential. He's in his 40s (I have no issue with that - I'm trying to expand horizons), divorced, sounds nice, amicable divorce, etc.

Then she hits me with this. He's got FOUR kids. FOUR. All young.

As I spit out my drink...I regrouped.

Now, I have no problem with this guy having had kids already. I get it. He was married, they started a family...then the marriage failed. So, I'm not saying he's damaged goods. I've already accepted that the guy I (hopefully) meet and marry will likely have already been married once. That's just the odds.

But, do I have to accept that I'm going to be a stepmother? I'm still in my low 30s (ish) and I guess I thought I still had the option to meet/marry someone who hasn't yet had kids?

My friend (who is awesome) and I ended up having a very lengthy discussion about it. She could see where I was coming from, but I think she wanted me to entertain the idea.

I've said this before on this blog, but I'll state it again. I've had stepmothers...and they were both bad (for various reasons). While I know I'd make every effort to be a good stepmother, I don't have the desire to be one. When kids are involved, there is a forever link to the former spouse...and potential drama.

I'm aware my marriage/family will have a drama all it's own, but I'm just not up for additional issues. This is also, by the way, assuming a guy in his 40s with 4 kids wants to have MORE kids. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't (I wouldn't).

My family was broken when I was very young, and is still fairly broken to this day. My dream has always been to have my own family. I'm not claiming my family will be perfect, but it will be a big step up from what I grew up with. And, for me, that starts with having our own family unit (no step-parents/step-kids).

I'm aware this might sound jerky, but that's not my intention. I just think 4 kids is a LOT to walk into. And I'd rather be up front than go out with the guy and lead him on.

So, I choose to believe that I still have a few years before I have to throw in the towel and give up on motherhood (even though it's creeping closer to not happening every day). I choose to believe that there are plenty of single men out there (around my age) who also haven't yet had kids.

Am I crazy to believe that it could still happen?

I'm such a "big girl!"

Well, here is what transpired with RC.

The more I thought about it, I knew I couldn't return his call and then say, "I wanted to call you back, to let you know I don't want to go out with you." Ugh. So, I figured there wouldn't be any harm in meeting for a casual dinner and see if that changed anything for me.

I returned his call the next night and we made plans to meet for dinner Thursday night. We met at a very casual place, and I figured meeting there would ensure it wasn't TOO date-like. Our conversation was fine, but again, there was just nothing there. It was like talking to an acquaintance or a casual friend. Still, I gave it my best shot.

Anyway, as the evening wound down, I thanked him for dinner. He then said he'd give me another call so we could do it again.

Watch out. This is where I become an adult...hope you can handle it.

I decided to just be up front with him right then and there, in the moment. So, I told him that while I thought he was nice, I just didn't think there was a connection there. And I told him that I didn't want to be dishonest or lead him to think something further was going to happen. He handled it very well, saying he appreciated it and he totally understood.

DONE.

We walked out together and said good night. No real harm done.

It felt SO good to leave the date knowing I wouldn't have to stress about him calling/texting to set another date up. Or to stress about returning the call or the friend who set it up being upset with me.

I've been criticized on this blog before for texting/avoiding discussion about not wanting to go on further dates, so it felt good to do the "right" thing.

So, while the date isn't going to go anywhere, I think it was a good jumping off point for 2012. I've started the year handling that situation in a positive and mature way, which is good!

Yay me!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

First set-up of 2012

OK, I need some advice from my blogger friends who are experienced daters!

So, the other day, a married couple I'm friends with told me they had someone in mind for me. They gave a quick description and I indicated we could do a group/casual thing, just to meet. We all met at the local bowling alley, my friends, their 2 boys, me, and the guy. We'll call him RC.

RC and I arrived first and we chatted while we waited for our friends. He's a perfectly nice guy, but do you know what I mean when I say there was nothing there? It's not like he was a jerk or hideously unattractive, and yet, I just didn't feel a thing. And, the litmus test - could I picture myself kissing him? NO.

So, our friends arrived and we bowled a few games. We all had a good time bowling and it was very casual/laid back, as I had hoped. I had to sneak out early, to make it to another gathering.

My friend texted me that night, asking what I thought. I replied that RC "seemed like a nice guy," and didn't say anything more.

Fast forward to Monday, when my friend (who works with RC) texts me that it's RC's birthday on Tuesday. Why do I need to know this? I don't have this guy's number, email...anything. I texted back, "Um, ok?" Anyway, my friend wanted me to know that, just in case RC and I spoke on Tuesday. Then he said, "since he did ask for your number this morning."

So I replied that I thought he was nice, but wasn't sure it was a match. Watch out, here's where I messed up - then I said "I guess I could try a one on one." Now, in my defense, I had hoped my friend would ASK me if it's ok to pass along my number.

Cut to last night, when RC phoned me. The first call, he didn't leave a voicemail. The second call, he left a voicemail - wanting to get together for dinner sometime this week.

First question: Should my friend have asked me whether or not he could give this guy my number? Just curious.

Second question: I don't really want to go any further with this guy, but now I feel like I have to do a dinner/date. What are my options? I'm planning to call him back tonight...so don't worry, I'm not going to ignore/not respond. Do I go to dinner with him and then let him know there's no connection? Ugh, how do I get myself in these situations?

Taking advice...GO!

2011 Roundup

Hello readers (if you're still there?)! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and that 2012 is off to a great start.

Well, Christmas was a struggle for me this year, even though I really tried to make it a good day. It still was what it was and I was fairly weepy. New Year's, however, was a good time - I went to a great party where we all dressed up. It was a fun group of people and a good way to ring in 2012.

2011 was, overall, a bit of a suckfest. My dad passed away in January, my car was keyed, an uninsured driver rear ended me, had some setups that didn't work out, tried out for something I really wanted and it didn't work out, had foot surgery... I could go on.

Now, I realize there are people who had FAR worse 2011s than I did. I'm aware. It was just a tough year overall and I'm glad to put it behind me.

My goal for 2012 is to try and be positive. I want to have a better year, and I can control some of that. I can't control everything, but I can do my best to have a good outlook.

There are several things I'd like to do:

- Refinance my house (thus saving me some money)
- Pay off some debt (nothing too crazy, but I'll be glad to have it done)
- Keep my eyes open for a new job/opportunity (and pursue it if I find it)
- SAVE money. I've been far too lazy in this area, mostly because it only affects me (right now)
if I don't have any savings.
- Have some fun, go on a girls' weekend and do a little shopping (which will directly negate the
"save money" goal)
- And yes, I should probably make some changes in the dating department. I don't yet know
what those will be, but what I've been doing isn't working.

So, I think this is a good start. Change is difficult, but I'm determined that 2012 is going to be a better year!

What are YOU doing in 2012?