Such the dilemma...

A friend and I were recently emailing about my single status, and she informed me she might have some potential set-ups for me.

Unfortunately, these men are all divorced...with kids.

Before you get all worked up into a tizzy, I've discussed this issue before.  Why not discuss it again, eh?  

Let's go back to when I was less cynical, younger, and actually thought I'd be married in my early 20s.  Oh, those were the days...

Back then, it never even occurred to me that I would marry someone who had already been married before. It definitely never occurred to me that I could marry someone with children.  I mean, seriously?

Those were the idealistic days where I thought I'd meet my future husband while at college.  And we'd date there...have tons of fun...and later marry, after graduation.  I'm sure a white picket fence was somewhere in our future as well.

OK, back to reality!

Over the years, I've had to relax a bit on my expectations of the person I will marry.

Exhibit A:  Divorce no longer bothers me.  Sometimes, marriages don't work out.  Now, if the issue is that he was a big cheater face...then I'm not remotely interested.  Sorry.  Oh yeah, if you've been divorced more than once, I'm probably out.  I come from a parent with multiple marriages/divorces, no thank you.  

It was a BIG deal for me to come to terms with this possibility.  Yeah, I still may marry someone who also hasn't been married before, but I'm also allowing myself the possibility that the man I marry may have a divorce under his belt.  And that's ok.

Now, being a tall girl, I really haven't relaxed too much on the height thing.  You can call it silly or whatever, but it's just way too big a pill for me to swallow.  I am just not attracted to a guy who is short or visibly shorter than I am.  I might add, there are likely many men who aren't attracted to me, because of my height.  I get it.  I'm fine with that.

Now, the reason for this post.  Potential set-ups who already have children.  Ugh.

Let me say that I absolutely LOVE children.  I love being an aunt and my friends' kids and I are best buds.  And I really want to have kids of my own someday.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent.  Or with already having kids and trying to navigate the dating world.  I can't imagine how tough that would be.  

My issue is that I just don't have a desire to be a stepmother or be in a blended family.  As I've said before, I have had stepmothers, and...ICK.  I know full well that I'd be a great stepmother to my spouse's children, but again, I just don't want to be in that position.  I don't want to deal with the ex-wife/mother (whether it's a good relationship or not).

Growing up with a broken family/home was not ideal.  While I've gotten over that, so to speak, it's still not what I want for MY family.  I just want my husband and I to create our own family.

So, I thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and politely asked if I could have some time to consider it (while conveying that it's not likely I'm up for the set-up).  She is awesome and handled it fine.  Love her!

Anyway, this recent conversation just reminds me that I'm not quite ready to give up on creating my own family someday.  And I don't think I should have to.

Step-parent?

This post is more of a question to my readers...

Recently, I was made aware that someone in a local club I belong to, is interested in dating me. He's over 10 years older than me and has a daughter. I don't know him well, we've only had a few casual conversations. But, I'm also not sure that I've ever looked at him like that.

I will be frank with you, the questions/concerns that pop into my mind when I think of him are:

• Ooh, he's in his forties.
• Ooh, he's got a kid (and would he want more kids?)
• Ooh, he's shorter than me.

I know, I know. I can hear all of you yelling at me, through the computer. But hey, at least I'm admitting it, right?

Here's the thing. I think we all go through stages of what we're looking for. When I was in my 20s, I wanted someone who'd never been married. Fast forward to 33, and that's not so important anymore. I just assume they've already been married and divorced. So, I could probably get over the age thing.

I've also always wanted to have my "own" family with whomever I marry. This means that I am not really looking to be a stepmother. It does not mean that I judge someone who already has children. It just means, that it does complicate things.

My dad has been married multiple times, so I've had a few stepmothers (he's still with the latest one). The thing is, being a step-parent is a bit of a no-win situation. You will never be the child's mother...and you may always be seen as a threat. The potential up side is that you could have a great relationship with each other.

I guess, coming from a broken home, I've always just wanted to have "my" family. Is that bad? Does that sound absolutely horrible?

The other issue is whether or not this guy in his forties would really want to start having more kids? I would totally understand NOT wanting more, if I already have one headed toward middle school. Again, I'm not even dating him, so I realize these are crazy thoughts.

And my last thought, about him being shorter. Well, that's just standard. When you're 5'11", you can't help but notice that. Again, I've relaxed a bit on that one...provided I'm actually attracted the guy in other ways. (While I do think he's a nice guy, I don't think I find him attractive, but again...haven't thought of him in that way.)

So...to wrap all of this up. I'm being asked if I'd consider going out with this guy. But, I've got all these stepmother concerns and what not, so I'm wondering what you, my readers think. Feel free to judge me!

I know it doesn't hurt to just go out with him...but I don't want to create an awkward situation either.

Divorced Father of Two

I was in a Bible study, through church, that consisted of 2 couples and me. I really enjoyed these people and the fellowship time we had together. Dana told me she wanted to set me up with someone and I agreed. Her only descriptors at the outset were that he was tall and attractive. How can you go wrong with that, right?

The following week at Bible study, everyone was asking if I was ready for my big blind date. Dana decides to spring the following information on me, the day before the date. “Oh yah, he’s divorced, has two kids, and I think he’s in his mid-thirties.”

After I wiped the shock from my face, I asked her what she was thinking. You see, I was only twenty four years old at the time. Someone in their thirties with two kids wasn’t on my radar at that time. Unfortunately the date was already set for the next day, so I couldn’t really back out.

I met this man and the other two couples at Lonestar the next day. The conversation flowed well within the group. He proceeds to tell me about his daughters and I asked how old they were. Yeah, they were fourteen and twelve! Hmm, so I’d be more like an older sister, right? I could tell he was a religious man, which is a great quality. However, he told me a story that was slightly disturbing.

He had been driving home one night and strongly felt the urge to go to his sister’s trailer home and pray for her and her family. So he stood outside the trailer and walked around praying. Meanwhile, his sister is inside and scared to death because she hears someone outside her door. She proceeds to call the police, who end up coming to the house. While this guy thought the story was hilarious, which it kind of is, I found it a little off-putting. I mean, why couldn’t he have just gone into her house and told her he wanted to pray for her, rather than roam around outside?

That wasn't the only detractor for me not wanting a second date. While I do want kids someday, I really wasn't looking to be a stepmother at 24...to teenagers.