Thursday, May 19, 2011

One Year Anniversary (Blog)

And, I just realized that I started this blog exactly ONE year ago today!

I'll take this post to thank all of my readers (whether there are 2 or 200 of you) for taking the time to stop by. And, even better, taking the time to share your insights, frustrations, and opinions with me. Whether you agree with me or not, I always appreciate the feedback.

This blog has become a safe place for me to vent and meet other like-minded people. It reminds me that I'm actually NOT the only single gal out there (even if it feels like it sometimes)!

Thanks for your support and I hope I continue to post things that are worthy of being read!

Here's to all of us fine, single ladies finding someone worthy of our fabulous-ness!

Melt-down...

So, a good friend called the other night, but I was running, so I couldn't take the call. Then, I check FB yesterday, to find out she and her family are moving (due to her hubby's job) to Australia!

She called again on my way home from work and we got to chat a bit. I'm so excited for her and her family - what an amazing opportunity. Seriously!

BUT...

There's always a but. You knew there'd be one, didn't you?

I can't lie and say that my heart didn't drop when I read the news. Not because I'm not genuinely thrilled for her. But, at this stage of my life, where I feel like it sucks, it's hard to read about yet another person - moving forward, doing something exciting in their life.

And here I sit...day in and day out, the same old stuff. No progress whatsoever. Ugh.

So, I did my best on the phone, but of course, the tears started coming out of nowhere. I didn't want to ruin her news, so I tried to cover as much as I could. When we were done talking about the particulars of the move, she asked, "So, how are you? What's new?"

Ugh again. "Um, nothing new here. My life still sucks, my stepmom is awful, and nothing in my life has changed - oh yah, and I'm still hopelessly single."

Oh wait, that isn't a good response? OK, I told her nothing was new and I didn't have much to report. But, being the good friend she is, I think she could tell I wasn't totally myself. So, the tears came again and I couldn't hold them in. I told her I felt SO bad because this is HER news and I don't want to be the big bummer stamp on it.

She's so great, too. She's like, "Oh my gosh, that doesn't matter! We're friends and we should talk about this stuff!"

The point is, I feel like I'm so frustrated that it's actually difficult to hear other people's good news. And that is SO not who I am. I'm the girl who's thrilled for people when something great happens and I grieve with them when something bad happens.

And, of course, I want all of my friends/family to have good things in their lives. It's just, I sort of would like to have some of those same good things happen in MY life as well. Is that too much to ask?

Another friend said someone quoted this to him: "When something good happens to someone, you view it as a piece of pie being taken away from YOU. But, God has a huge pie, with endless pieces for everyone."

My reply? "God has endless pieces, but he's just not giving ME any?" Ha, ha.

I just feel left behind in this thing called life. And, again, I'm aware I have it pretty good in comparison to the world.

The worst part? Here I am crying and wanting to curl up in a ball on the couch...but I didn't have time to do that. How pathetic is that? I had to go to one of my extra jobs and was still wiping tears off as I walked in (also sporting some fresh red eyes). My preference would have been to stay home and I'm sure I'd have cried full out.

Theme for this week? BLAH!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Fitness

So, it's now been 10 weeks since my minor surgery, which took me out of running/exercise for 4 weeks. I've been back to exercising for about 5 of the last 6 weeks (since I was given the go ahead).

Overall, the transition back into it was fine. Of course, you have to ease back in and you can't expect to be exactly where you were before. I have a lot of races (all distances) on my calendar in the next few months, so I'm trying to get in shape so I feel like I can truly race them.

Last week, I went for broke and ran 10 miles. It felt great, no issues! That was the farthest I'd run since mid-February. I ran 11 this past weekend, also felt great. Then, I ran a 5K on Sunday, just hoping to run an ok race. I ended up setting a PR for myself. What a pleasant surprise!

For the most part, I feel like I'm "back," and can resume whatever I'd have done before. It's a great feeling, as working out is part of my routine. It keeps me sane...and also keeps me from being the gigantic cow I'd otherwise be (with the food I eat).

The point I'm trying to make is this - fitness is such a gift. I'm not always perfect at it, but it really has been a constant in my life, for the bulk of my life. The fact that I took 4 weeks off, which I would never willingly do, and I'm able to step right back into it, is proof. If you are fit or consistent about working out, your body will repay you with a speedy recovery and easy re-entry.

I'm thankful I have a healthy body that CAN work out, specifically RUN (since I do love it, most days). And I'm thankful my body is letting me get back to it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Purpose

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose in life lately. And I may have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, that if this is my life...well, I'm not satisfied.

Here's an average day for me. I wake up, get ready for work, go to work (a job I don't necessarily love), work out, do one of my many side jobs (that I don't need, but just do them anyway), go home, eat, watch tv, and go to bed. Repeat.

While I realize that is likely a common day for many people, I just think I'm over it. I'm someone who thrives on busy-ness and responsibility. This is likely one of the reasons I have those side jobs/committees.

But, if I really think about the "extras" in my life. I don't have a strong desire to do any of them. I just do them, plain & simple.

What is the alternative? I could not do them...and then I'd have more free time to sit on my butt and think about being single/childless and no closer to fixing that area of my life. So, I keep on keepin' on.

This got me thinking about married people (with/without children). When you're married (I assume) you likely have more of a purpose. You have a responsibility to your spouse - emotionally, financially, your home, your meals, etc. They would notice if you just didn't come home one night. Same is true if you have kids. You can't go unnoticed when you have children. They require your attention - whether it be feeding them, going to their events, tending to their boo boos.

You have purpose. Simple as that. And honestly, that is how I'd like to be spending my free time at this stage of my life. Truly, that is what I'd like to be doing.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that we singles don't have a purpose. That is utterly depressing! I'm saying, for me, I'm to the point where I'm just not sure what my purpose is. If I'm not meant to be married & have kids (which is not everyone's purpose in life), then what is my purpose here? I feel like my life is ho hum and not really going anywhere.

I know, I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, etc., and those are important roles. And I appreciate that. But the truth is, I could leave town for a week, with no notice, and it wouldn't really matter. And that is what gets me.

I'm sure there are some who would say, "You can't get married/have kids just to get attention." But that's not really what I'm saying here. Also, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying as some cry for help that I'm going to harm myself/run away. I'm not. :-)

Anyone else "get" what I'm saying here?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Speed racer...

My whole life, I've been a fast walker. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying that I walk with a purpose and don't mess around. I've been asked these questions numerous times -

"Are you in a hurry?"
"Are you running late?"
"Are you in a race?"
"Can you slow down? I can't keep up with you!"

Honestly, I usually think people are crazy when they say these things. I don't think I'm walking that fast, and I'm rarely doing it because I'm in a hurry. I'm just walking, people.

But lately, it occurs to me that either I'm incredibly fast or other people are unbelievably slow walkers. Like, painfully slow. Like, I'd like to push you down so I can get by right now, slow. Just kidding, I'd never push someone...I promise.

I'm tall, so, I'll go with the "you have long legs and can go faster" argument, to a point. But seriously, do people really walk/get around this slowly? I can't handle it.

I got off the elevator at work today, behind another person on my floor. The 3 foot walk to her desk took SO long. I was behind her and it was killing me to wait, so I could get past her.

It then occurred to me that maybe people who walk this slow (I'm talking about average, healthy people) do other things slow...like their jobs? Again, I'm no rock star amazing gal, but I do good, efficient work. And I'm always amazed at how lackadaisical others are. What takes me an hour, might take them 6 hours. And we've had the same amount of training.

Everyone's brains work differently, I get that. But I think some people just sort of shuffle through their lives/jobs, with no sense of progressing forward.

It's either that...or I'm incredibly cranky and impatient...and don't want to wait behind these slow walkers!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My new celebrity crush...

While I usually think certain actors are attractive, I don't usually develop a crush. But, I'll admit it. I've got a crush...on Zachary Levi. You know, the guy who plays "Chuck" on tv? Funny story, I've not seen one episode of that show (but I have heard of it). I did, however, see "Tangled" when I took my niece(s)/nephew(s). If you're not aware, that is an animated film. Zachary voices Flynn Rider (the would-be hero). Incidentally, I thought the movie was adorable.

For some reason, I loved the voice and the character. And then, he sings? If a guy has a good singing voice, I immediately fall in love. I'd marry Josh Groban, sight unseen, if I only heard him sing. I swear.

So, now I've Googled Mr. Levi and I just think he's a cutie pie. He's tall, which is perfect for me. He sings - I love that. He seems adventurous, based on what I've read. And, he's a Christian (if I'm to believe what I read). All in all, I think he's "the one."

OK, OK, I'm totally kidding. I mean, I don't want to sound like a psycho stalker. (which, I'm not, I swear) Although, he is single...

Who are your celebrity crushes?

Alone-ness

A fellow blogger was inspired by another blogger's post, and wrote this post. Her post reiterated some thoughts I was having before I went to bed last night. Actually, I've had these thoughts thousands of times, but they were really hitting me last night.

One of the worst things people say to a single person is - "You have to be ok with yourself, before you can meet someone and fall in love." (there are many variations on this, but this is the main idea)

Here are my thoughts on that:

1) So, are we to assume that if you married your high school sweetheart, that you were A-ok with yourself in...high school? Really? You knew all there was to know about yourself and were ready to share your life with someone else? Doubtful.

2) What makes you think that I'm NOT ok with myself? I've had periods of my life where I was very insecure about multiple things. But, I'd say I've been pretty ok with myself for several years. Honestly. It's not that I think I'm perfect with no issues, it's that I've learned to accept who I am and not beat myself up for every little thing. I've learned to find the positives in things I used to perceive as horrific flaws.

3) If you've never been single a day in your life...how do you know you'd be ok with yourself, on your own? You don't know...because you've never HAD to stop and figure it out. You just got on the couples roller coaster and haven't gotten off.

4) I have married friends who have admitted they don't like being alone. They know they can barely handle a night at home alone without their spouse. I think that's a problem. Honestly, if you can't be alone for a minute (ie: a night or two), then what the heck is your deal? You can't figure out a way to entertain yourself? You're that dependent on the other person? And, if you're terrified of being alone...shouldn't you have had to go through a period of "being single" to figure out the issues behind that? Why did YOU get to get married? How does that work?

Bottom line: No one is ever 100% ok with themselves when they go into a relationship. We all have flaws and issues, and that's ok. Hopefully, our spouse helps us see those issues and we can work on them together. (This is my assumption...being that I'm not married!)

If I wasn't able to figure out life on my own, as a single...then yah, I think you should have to do that before getting married. But, so many people don't. I have friends who would admit they'd be screwed if they lost their spouse. And I'm the one who's still single? Really?

I'm proud of my independence, in many ways. I never had someone show me how to budget, when I got my first job out of college. I did that myself. I've made big purchases, by myself. I've bought a house, cars, etc. - without the help of a spouse. I've moved into and out of numerous places. I've been to my father's funeral, with no "built in" support system. I've been unemployed (no spousal income) twice...and bounced back, figuring it out on my own.

As much as being single can sadden me, sometimes I do realize how much I'm capable of because I've been single for so long.

Side note: I was at a meeting last night, where everyone in the group is married - except for me. So, the committee leader was discussing who should go to these upcoming dinners and he says, "I thought committee people could pick a night to come...and come with their spouse. Or (looking at me) come on their own." Seriously, to be called out like that (it happens a lot). Wow. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Thoughts...

OK, I've confided in a few close friends about the funk I'm in. Some are good about just listening and agreeing, and others are problem solvers. They immediately have a suggestion for what I could/should do, or what could cheer me up, or something that will fix the situation. While I appreciate ALL of my friends, I could use a little less problem solving.

My pet peeve is when someone offers a solution/advice on something they themselves have never dealt with. Honestly, I can't stand it. I'm a listener. You tell me what you're going through, I listen and offer comfort. Then, I might ask how you're feeling about it and discuss options. Rarely, if I've not been through that experience, will I suggest what to do. You know why? Because I DON'T KNOW what to do...I've never had that particular problem.

In this case, 99.9% of my friends are married with children or about to have children. The same percentage has never been single more than half a day in their lives. So...I don't know that they can really offer sound advice on what I'm feeling/going through. Conversely, I can't offer them a lot of marital/parenting advice. So, I don't.

One of the many things I've loved about single blogger world, is all of you readers. Many of you can relate/identify with how I feel or something I'm dealing with. And THAT, my friends, is a huge relief. You help validate me, in a world (my world) where I'm not validated very often.

Aside from the suggestion for me to adopt/have a baby, there are other suggestions.

Counseling: While I'm not at all against counseling, I don't see it as an option right now (maybe someday). My frustration is that my life isn't where I'd like it to be. Discussing that with a counselor won't really change anything. It's not like I don't have a good job, home, outside activities, etc. One friend said, "The counselor might be able to make you feel better about your situation." Honestly? Um, I don't WANT to feel better about the fact that I'm single and childless. Because if I ever feel better about that, then that means I've decided either to give up on that or that I just don't want those things.

Move away: I've lived in a few major cities in different states (from where I currently live) and I live in a pretty big city right now. I can name two specific times in my life when I took a chance and accepted the new job offer, and moved. The first time, I was harrassed at the new job. And the second time, the job didn't pay what was promised. Both times, I ended up unemployed and looking for work. So, I'm a little gun shy about picking up my life and moving somewhere, where I don't know anyone, the job may not work out, and I may or may not meet "the one." I think that's an awful lot of risk. And, I've done a lot of big things in life on my own. I guess I'm just sort of exhausted. I'm not averse to moving out of my current city. But, doing it alone? And going through all of that again? I just don't know. (I'm aware there are no guarantees in life.)

Here's the thing. If I turned down every blind date or setup and then complained about being single, I could understand someone saying, "You really should take a chance and go on some of those dates." But seriously, I've BEEN on those dates. To the point where I want to cry because the person was so weird/not my type. I've been on the e-date sites as well. I'm not a wallflower either. I'm very outgoing and active in my church and community. Because of this, it's surprising I've not met someone somehow.

So, it's frustrating to think that I have to pick up my life and move (by myself) to some random city/state, in the HOPES of MAYBE meeting someone to date and then someday, maybe, marry. It's especially frustrating to think of that when I know so many who met their mates in high school, college, or through a setup. They get to meet them that way and I have to go through all this work, at 34 years old? At the risk of sounding like a whiny kid - "No fair!"

And really, I'm sure that suggestion (moving) sounds great. But, does anyone think it's THAT simple? Moving is a big deal. Moving when you're single is a HUGE deal. You make all the decisions and arrangements, you do the packing, you do the loading (hopefully with the help of friends), you sell your home, you, you, you, you. I've moved enough to know...it's not that fun.

I also like when married friends suggest I meet other single girls and befriend them. Now, I've sort of done this, via my blog. But, in "real" world, my friends, as I mentioned earlier, are married. Let me just say, I have a crap ton of friends. I mean, a lot. I'm not bragging, I'm just blessed. So, it's not all that appealing that in addition to finding a single man...I need to try to find single women to be friends with...so that we can go trolling for single men and discuss being single.

Married people clearly don't realize the work involved here. Doesn't this all just sound too hard? Or am I just lazy/too tired of the bullcrap?

Bottom line? I'm incredibly appreciative of ALL my friends. Really, I am. But, the lesson I've learned (and that I'd like to impart to all people) is this. If you don't know what to say, don't say ANYTHING. Seriously, it's totally ok to say, "Yeah, it sucks that you have to go through this, and I'm so sorry you're sad." Or, "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry." I'd prefer either of those over instant solutions to my problem(s).

Baby Talk

So, I'm obviously still in this funk...which I don't expect to come out of soon.

A few friends have actually suggested/posed this: "Would you consider adopting or having a baby on your own?"

Let me first say - NO. I would not.

Do I think women who do that are incredible? Yes. Do I have respect for them? Yes. Do I want to join their club? No.

Let me list the reasons that this is an avenue I won't be pursuing:

1. The adoption and/or insemination processes are not free. They don't just "give" you a baby. It takes time and is fairly expensive, from what I've heard from friends.
2. Um, I make an ok salary, but it would be highly difficult to raise a child on.
3. Having a kid by myself would only be a further reminder that I do NOT have a husband. I'd be reminded on a daily basis, that I had this kid, because I just couldn't find someone to have one with.
4. I grew up in a single parent home, raised my mom. She did the best she could, but I do NOT want that for my child/children. I want (if at all possible) for my kids to grow up with both parents (hopefully happily married). *I'm not saying women who choose this option to raise a child alone are going to mess up their kids. I'm only saying how I feel about it.
5. While I think it's great that women have this as an option in today's world, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be "that" woman. There, I've said it.
6. Even though I want to have kids, I'm pretty averse to dating someone who already has children. Weird, I know! The reason is this - I've had two not so great stepmothers. While I know I'd be a good one, I'm just not super pumped about being one. (I realize the chances of me meeting someone without kids, at my age, are decreasing daily.) So, I'd totally understand if I met a guy and he was like, "Wait, you have a kid...on your own? Um, see ya." Point being, I think it could potentially make dating even more difficult.

Those are my immediate thoughts when someone suggests I obtain a child somehow. I'm sure there are those would argue that if I really want to be a mom...I'll do anything. But, the truth is, I don't want to be a mom, that way. I would really like to do it the "old fashioned way" if at all possible.

Anyone else have this dilemma? What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why do men love these women?

So, last night, I caught a new Bravo reality show, "Pregnant In Heels." If you've not heard of it, here's the premise. Rosie Pope is basically a maternity concierge to the uber rich in NYC. She caters to whatever issues they're having, pending Baby's arrival. Many of them are first time moms, though not all.

Last night's episode brought us Mina and another lady, can't remember her name. Anyway, I can't believe either one of them found someone who would date them, let alone marry them or reproduce.

Let's start with Mina - she doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't DO anything (thank goodness she has a home office, though). Her hubby is the breadwinner and I'm really not sure what she does with her time. Their dog isn't even housebroken, he pees INSIDE, on a mat. What??? Her baby is due in one week and the nursery isn't close to being finished, and they don't even have a stroller/car seat. By the way, the baby's linens are coming in from London, but are currently stuck in customs. OK...

She says they'll have a part-time nanny and she doesn't plan to change any diapers. Really? Seriously? I have to pinch myself, as I don't believe this is a real human being. Does she also plan to NOT do anything else for her child? What's the point of having a baby? One more thing, she's never held a baby. When Rosie gives her a real baby to hold, she looks incredibly awkward.

Now to the other lady - she does work, but is emphatic about not ever cleaning OR cooking, EVER. She pretty much always gets her way, too. Also, her husband's Jewish and she's Catholic, and they can't agree on how to raise the baby. They had a non-religious wedding, since neither of them are super religious. But apparently, with a baby, they are NOW religious? Anyway, she went so far as to say it wouldn't bother her if her husband didn't attend the baptism. WOW. I don't know where they came out on that, as I turned the channel. Side note: Rosie arrived at this lady's house (without her knowing) and made a huge baby mess in the living room. It was a drill and this lady was failing. She was sweating and so stressed out cleaning up the mess. Um, THAT will become reality soon, lady!

My thoughts on the whole thing? CRAZY TOWN! Here I am, perfectly pumped to have kids and I pretty much know (in general) what I'm doing. I can't believe these women! They were both fairly rude and bratty with their husbands. Is this what men want? A woman who treats them like dirt and uses them for their money? Because, ewwww.

Also, how do you reach adulthood, NEVER having held a baby. Not once? What is that? How do you date someone and never discuss children and the impact of your differing religions on that issue? For example, I'm a strong Christian. So, if I'm on a date with a guy who mentions he's an athiest. Well, there isn't likely going to be a date #2. Sorry. I have nothing against athiests, but if he is one, then that's a clear sign we disagree on a pretty major thing.

Now, don't take any of this to mean that I think the woman should take on the role of "little wife at home, cooking dinner, raising the kids." I'm not saying that. But, I think these women are horrible examples of women. I think men and women can share home responsibilities, for sure. But, to say you aren't going to cook or clean, EVER - is just not realistic. I don't like to cook, and I think most people don't enjoy cleaning, but they DO it. Duh.

Anyway, the whole thing just irritated me. I sit here pining for marriage and kids, while these women clearly don't appreciate what they have. Worse, they think they deserve the lives they have. I'm not sure why...