Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Reflections of a single girl...

Every once in a while, I take a moment and think about why I'm single.  I sometimes worry it's because of the dad I had (not fantastic).  I sometimes worry it's because I'm scared of a relationship (even though I want it).  Or I worry that I'm just no good at it. 

So, I dig back through the recesses of my mind and go through the various situations I've been involved with.  Granted, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships, but I've dated and been on many blind dates (most of them awful). 

Let's start with high school and college.  I can easily peg this one.  I was way too busy to have a boyfriend.  Oh, I wanted a boyfriend, but I can see why I wasn't approached.  I was involved in everything and busy all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I was a friendly gal, but I'm pretty sure the volume of stuff I was involved with might have been intimidating.  Add to that that I didn't truly have time to date someone...and you get your answer.  And I'm fine with that.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Now, sadly, my first real boyfriend came in my early 20s.  He was a co-worker at my summer job.  I had a HUGE crush on him instantly.  Because he was HOT!  And he was super nice and easy to talk to.  He was a couple years younger than me, too.  Anyway, as the days passed, I decided that I wanted to date him bad enough that I would ask him out.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a big deal.  I never ask guys out and the thought pretty much makes me want to vomit.  But, I really wanted to date this guy.  So, I eventually asked him out and he said yes.  We dated for probably 2 months after that.  And it was pretty smooth sailing.  We had fun.  I had some nerves, but they were the fun kind of nerves.  The kind where you are hoping he's going to call you to go out again.  And you're hoping you get to see him soon.  We even went to a friend of mine's wedding together!  He even called me "honey," which totally caught me off guard.

Another shocker, I could tell he was nervous to kiss me, but I was dying for him to do it.  So, when he dropped me off one night, I kissed him on the cheek - opening the door for him to kiss me on our next date.  And he did.   

The breakup was sort of a non-breakup.  He was supposed to meet me at my house to go to something.  Now, it was a family thing...and I was very clear that I'd love for him to come, but that I would totally understand if it was a little too much, too soon.  He committed to coming.  Well, my mom and I were ready to go and he wasn't at the house.  Ever.  When I called, his roommate said he was taking a nap.  Anyway, we eventually talked about it and I said, "If you didn't want to come, you could have just told me you didn't want to come.  Not a big deal."  And I would NOT have broken up with someone over that, seriously.  However, we sort of just faded out after that...     

I'm certainly not going to say that I made zero mistakes in that relationship, but overall, I think I was a pretty good girlfriend.  I was easy breezy, didn't hound him non-stop, or get upset about too many things.  It was easy.  And I'm sure he and I weren't meant to be.  That relationship's purpose may have been just to have a little fun over the summer - and I'm fine with that. 

But, what I took from that is that I'm capable of being IN a relationship and not being scared, nervous, or uncomfortable all the time.  It was natural.  And, by no means do I carry a torch for this guy, but I haven't really had that feeling since then.  There have been feelings close to it, but not quite.  Usually, I'm worried that the guy is going to kiss me (meaning I really don't want to kiss him). 

There was another guy, from college, who I sort of reconnected with a few years later.  I always thought he was a good guy...and very attractive.  Anyway, I emailed him and it started some back and forth.  His emails were so sweet that ALL of my friends were sure this guy was into me.  I mean, there was no misinterpreting it.  I even visited him (lives a few hours from me) when I was in town.  After a lot of emailing about whatever...NOTHING ever happened.  And that's fine.  But again, the point is that I initiated it and made the effort.  I didn't hide out and not do anything. 

Between post college and now, there have been A LOT of blind dates/setups.  And I'd say 95% were bad.  This will not surprise most of my readers, since some of you write blogs completely dedicated to the crapfest that is online dating/blind dating.

Let me also say, that it's entirely possible that I'm some other guy's "horrible blind date" story.  I'm ok with that.  Although, it's doubtful my behavior compares to what I've witnessed. 

I've had guys ask me how old I am 5 minutes into the date.  I've had guys tell me they can dance like Usher.  I've had guys brag about how they speed on the highway in their patrol car late at night.  I've had guys want to show me how they like to take their car and spin it around on the ice during the winter.  I've had guys take me to an old folks' breakfast place, for DINNER.  I've had guys not speak more than 10 words - the entire date.  I've had guys ask me out/plan a second date while we're still on our first date.  I've had guys talk about their horrible money problems - on the first date.   

And let me say, I'm very accommodating.  Even when I'm having a horrible time and I know it's not going to go any further, I'm still friendly and engaging while on the date.  This is good and bad.  It's good because I think it's the polite thing to do.  It's bad because it gives the guy the impression that you also had fun and that you'll go out with him again.  Then I'm put in the awkward position of turning the guy down when he asks for a second date.  Ugh.  So.  Awkward.

Again, not saying that I'm perfect or too good for any of these guys.  But, what I am saying is that most of my friends are shocked by the date stories I have.  None of them woud go out with these guys again, either.  So, I know I'm not crazy or "too picky."

So, when I put all of that together, I guess I feel like it's not necessarily my issue, but just an issue of me and whoever my guy is not having met yet.  Because, it's clear that I'm capable of initiating a relationship/date and keeping it.  It's clear I'm open to dates, because I've continued to go on one horrible blind date after the other. 

In a way, it puts my mind at ease.  In another way, it pi$$es me off that other people have found their mate and I haven't!     

     

Thursday, July 18, 2013

WHY are you single? I just don't get it! (Me neither.)

I had dinner with a friend last night, which was great.  She's not someone I'm super close to, but whenever we chat, we can pretty much talk for hours.  Her fiance has only met me a few times, but seems to like me as well. 
Anyway, throughout our conversation, she asked if there was anything new on the dating front.  When I told her there wasn't anything new, she was just confused.  She said, "I don't get it.  I just don't understand how you're single!"  She went on to say that her fiance has asked her numerous times, "Why is she single?  I mean, it doesn't make sense!" 
Now, this is always nice to hear, for a few reasons.
  1. It means that the person I'm putting forth in the world (which is my real self) is likeable, fun, easy to talk to, outgoing, and, in a word, NORMAL. 
  2. It means that I'm not doing anything weird/awkward when I'm with people (whether they are brand new to me or old friends).
  3. It means I'm not hideous to look at.  (Sorry, folks, but looks do matter - whether you want to admit it or not.)
  4. He's a guy.  So, from the few times he's met/talked to me, he feels I'm someone who is dateable.  I think it means more from a guy, because that's my target audience for a potential mate. 
So, that is GREAT news!  However, it still doesn't explain my current predicament of being single.  And it's not like I have a magical response when people tell me this (which happens often). 

I don't know, either! 

And please, don't think I'm trying to toot my own horn here, either.  I'm not trying to say, "I'm perfect, not a thing wrong with me...I'm amazing.  HOW am I still single?"  I certainly have my flaws, like we all do.  But, it seems, based on the number of times I've heard the question, "How are you still single?," from others, that I must be alright overall. 

She asked me about online dating, and I told her my issues with that option.  And we talked about how I'm pretty active in the community.  I'm at races ALL the time.  Wouldn't you think I'd have met another runner by now?  I can't go into a store where I live without running into/seeing at least 2 people I know.  On any given day.  It's not as if I'm a wallflower, staying in my house all day/weekend long. 

Bottom line?  I'm just as confused as anyone else as to why I'm still single.  I have no answer, other than God must be prepping a really amazing guy for me... 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Yes, I'm going on vacation by myself...

I'm taking a pretty big vacation this year (in addition to some little ones).  A friend of mine (and her family) are living in Australia for a few years.  So, I've decided to just do it and go there to visit!  I'm very excited for the trip and all that I'll get to see and do.  I'm also going to Cairns for a few days, to see the Great Barrier Reef and several other things.

Would it be great if I had a boyfriend/husband to go on this trip with me?  Of course.  Do I wish I had a spouse going with me?  Of course.  Is there a spouse going with me?  NO.

Lucky for me, anyone who asks me about the trip immediately asks one of the following questions:


  1. Who are you going with?
  2. Are you going by yourself?  
  3. Is your friend going to the reef with you?
  4. Are you going by yourself?  (I know I already mentioned this one, but it's worth repeating.)
Now, I understand that it's natural to ask who someone is going with.  But seriously, I've been bombarded with these questions/comments.  It really puts a cloud over something I'm excited about.

It also makes me feel like I'm a pathetic loser, going on this trip by myself.  I know, I know.  I'm not a loser and it's perfectly fine to vacation by yourself.  But, it still feels sucky.  Especially when I'm constantly reminded of it when someone says, "You're going by yourself?"

On the other hand, I'm sort of excited that I'll be by myself in Cairns.  I'm planning to do some really fun activities and hit some restaurants/bars at night.  Maybe I'll find myself a hot Aussie?

I'm guessing people in relationships/marriages don't even have to think about this stuff.  Meanwhile, I've planned the trip by myself, with no one to bounce ideas/rates off of.

Anyway, I'm going to choose to be excited about this once in a lifetime trip and have as much fun as I possibly can!  

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Some people are lucky...and the real world is going to suck for them.

WARNING:  This is basically a post that will allow me to vent about something that frustrates the crap out of me.

I've got a friend who has quite the charmed life.  In fact, most of my childhood friends had a charmed life, especially in comparison to mine.  (That said, I'm fully aware that MANY have had far worse childhoods than mine.)

I grew up with a single parent, moved around to multiple crappy apartments, and had a dad who didn't do much OR pay child support.  So, money wasn't abounding in our house.  My mom did the best she could, though.  But I didn't grow up going on fun/fancy vacations to wonderfully fun destinations.  I grew up in a home that was constantly worried about money.  I've been working since I was 14 years old.  And college? I worked my a$$ off to get good grades, in order to qualify for scholarships.  I then paid every DIME of it myself.  My dad may have slipped me a $20 a few times, but I was pretty much on my own.

Let's talk about my friend's life...

He is 25 years old and still living at home.  His happily married parents have provided well for he and his 26 year old brother (also still living at home).  They have paid for his entire undergraduate degree/schooling. They've paid for his car, and I suspect, his cell phone.  He then decided to go to graduate school to get his Masters.  Um, his parents are ALSO paying for that.  ALL of it.  He has no real bills...because if you're living at home, you're eating their groceries and using their utilities/cable/etc.

So, his girlfriend is going to live in Greece for nearly a year, and he's planning to go out there.  Last I talked to him, he wasn't sure how he'd get the flight.  Recently, I asked him and sort of said, "Did your parents go ahead and buy your plane ticket?"  His answer?  "Yes, it's my graduation present."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  He sensed my impending smug comment.  I said, "Well, I think your graduation present is ALL that they've done for you thus far." He gets a little annoyed with me, and I should keep my mouth shut, I know.  But I can't help but voice my opinion!

I saw him at work today and his dad came in.  They were talking, and it sounded like they were talking about a car wash.  His dad came to his work to take his car and get it washed.  What?  Huh?  And I didn't bite my tongue, again.  So, he was annoyed that I commented.  And then he said, "His reward is that I'm a good son."  He was complaining that this place he goes charges $13.  Um, you have ZERO bills!  I think you can fricking afford a car wash and not allow your dad to get it for you!  Now, this guy is a good guy.  Mature and responsible.  However, it isn't hard to be responsible when you don't have many responsibilities, other than school and a relationship.  

I was ready to leave work today and he could tell I was antsy.  He said, "Just hold on, a few more minutes..."  I said, "Well, some of us have worked 50+ hours this week."  And then he called me a martyr, blah blah blah.  I wasn't trying to be a martyr, but he has ZERO clue what the world is like, in my opinion.  And I fear if he ever has to do things 100% on his own, he will not be prepared for it or be able to deal with it.  And that isn't my problem, I know.

And I'm not gonna lie, of course there's a part of me that is jealous of his situation.  But I honestly hope that if my parents had done for me what his have done for him, that I wouldn't even accept or entertain them purchasing my plane ticket.  Graduation present?  I'm 99.9% sure I never got a graduation present from my parents...high school OR college.

Am I crazy?  And I already know that it's not my business and I should not be making snide comments to him.  But, for some reason, my mouth just opens up!

I guess it's frustrating to watch people have a pretty charmed existence, while I've had to work my butt off for everything I have.

End rant.