Friday, July 25, 2014

I don't get it...

OK, let's start with a positive.  I moved into my new home and I absolutely LOVE it!  I'm excited to get fully unpacked/organized/settled.  And I'm also excited for all the fun projects I have planned.  So far, so good! 

Now, on to the point of my post.  I've noticed, via Facebook, that several people I know - who have recently divorced - are ALREADY with someone.  What the frick?  Seeing that makes me feel like total crap. 

*  Friend who cheated while married - got pregnant by the guy she cheated with, divorced her husband, and is now MARRIED to the father of the baby.
*  Friend who cheated while married - have seen pics of her on FB with her fella, doing all sorts of fun things.
*  The above friend's ex husband - have seen pics of him with his new girlfriend, and pics of his trip to visit her.
*  Friend whose husband went a little crazy - they divorced, but I'm not so sure she didn't also cheat during all of that.  Either way, she's already dating a guy and I see pics of them all over FB.

WHAT am I doing wrong?  Seriously.  These people have already moved on and are dating/married to others?  And I've been trying for decades with little to no success? 

For lack of a more mature way to put it, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" 

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on all the excitement of my new house, but this does have me a bit down.  I have no clue why I can't find someone, but these people, who made some really poor choices, can find multiple people! 

And yes, I know that sounds holier than thou and very judgmental.  I'm not saying that if you cheat, you should never find happiness again.  I'm simply saying that it seems a bit unfair that after making that type of choice, you get "rewarded" with a significant other right away. 

Meanwhile, I'm over here (not perfect) trying to make good decisions...and I get nothing. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Family...ugh.

OK, I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted!  I'm sure you've been starved for content!  HA! 

Well, let's get this out of the way first - NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING new in my dating life.  Single.  Still.

But...there has been some excitement over the last few months.  I was approached by a buyer wanting to buy my house.  Now, I've been thinking about selling/moving, but was probably going to wait another year or two on that.  Anyway, my type of house is hard to sell and this scenario rarely happens, so I considered it.  Soon after that, I had an offer.  And then it was sold.  So, I was furiously house hunting and trying to find a place and make an offer...which was both stressful and exciting. 

I decided early on in this process that I wouldn't tell my family about it.  My reason was that they almost never come to visit me, but I'm always the one going home for stuff of theirs, to visit, see the kids, etc.  And it's an expectation of my mom's that I will always make time for her when I come home...even though I have friends I'd like to see and other stuff I'd like to do.  It never occurs to them to come here and do something nice for me or just stop for a visit.  So, I guess I didn't think people that never visit me need to know I'm moving...at least not until Thanksgiving, when I host. 

So, I told a few close friends and kept mum about it on Facebook.  Every single friend I told reacted the same way.

  • "OMG, that is SO exciting!"
  • "I'm so happy for you!"
  • "Can't wait to shop for stuff with you!"
  • "What can I do to help?  Do you need help with the move?"
Nothing but pure excitement for me.  And as I've said before, I'm really fortunate, because I have an amazing group of friends surrounding and supporting me. 

So, I decided to just tell my family when I was home a few weekends ago.  My nieces/nephews were super excited.  They asked to see pictures and when they'd get to sleep over.  My sister-in-law asked a few questions and said she didn't know I was looking.  My brother, who was in the room while we talked about it, said NOTHING.  Not, "Oh, that's cool - good for you."  Nothing.  My mom asked to see pics and asked details about it, but was clearly upset that I hadn't informed her until just then.  And, we haven't spoken since the night I told her (email or phone).  I promise you she is pouting and expecting me to do/say something.  I won't be doing that. 

The next morning, my sister-in-law and I chatted for a bit, but she still never really asked to see my house or anything about it.  And my brother still said nothing.  I thanked them for letting me stay over, but they didn't thank ME for watching their kids the night before.  *sigh*

Keep in mind that neither my brother/SIL or mom offered any help.  My mom actually asked if I was getting some friends together to help me move. 

Cut to the other day.  I get an email from my SIL.  See below:

Have you started packing up? What is your move in date? I can't believe none of us knew anything about your move until last weekend. We didn't even know you were thinking about moving. It's not fair! We have been wanting to move for quite awhile and it's not working for us. Just can't find the perfect house:( Oh well, some day. Now do you have to get a lawn mower, rakes and shovels? Oh the joys of owning a house:)
 
What the hell does someone say to that?  How do you respond to that?  Still no congratulations, offer to help move, or asking to even just see the house.  Just complaints about how unfair it is that I've found something when they haven't.  I showed it to a few friends and they were all dumbfounded.  Couldn't believe it.  And she's the one person I'm close to in the family.  Ugh. 

So, I replied today, just saying, "Yeah, I'm really excited about the move and having my own place!  Moving on the xxth!"  She replied, "Ok thanks."  Um, ok?   So, she's clearly annoyed, but I just don't care anymore. 

And she's maybe the 6th person out of everyone I've told to make some variation of this statement.  "Welcome to lawn maintenance!"  Um, ok.  It is NOT the end of the world.  I'm pretty sure I can handle a lawn, since, ya know, I've been handling every other detail of my life for a very long time...with not much help.  So, I think I've got it.  How about how exciting it will be for me to live in my OWN space with no one above/below/across from me for the first time in nearly my whole life?  I think that is worth whatever work the lawn may be. 
 
Anyway, ultimately, this is super exciting news and I have a great crew of friends coming to help me move, which is great!  So, I'm trying not to let my family get me down...but they're doing exactly what I thought they'd do - making it about them, rather than being excited for me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Blog Anniversary - 4 Years!

Well, yesterday was the 4th anniversary of this blog.  I honestly can't believe I've been writing this for 4 years! 

On the one hand, it's been a very positive thing for me.  I can't tell you how therapeutic it's been to vent my feelings and stories in a safe and anonymous place.  And, to then get feedback and support from my readers?  That's even better.  Because, while I don't wish single-ness on anyone who doesn't wish to be single, it does feel better to know that others are in the same boat and can relate to what I'm going through.  In my life, there aren't many who can relate to this.  Seriously.  So, this blog has been a great place for me to connect with like minded people.  Thank you! 

On the other, more negative, hand...it's a little sad that it's 4 years later and my situation hasn't changed or improved.  Again, I know many of you can relate to this.  Unfortunately.  I so wish my situation would change, but not sure how or why it hasn't.  I've been open to pretty much any set-up.  I've been social.  I've gone back to online dating.  And still...nothing.  Bummer.

Anyway, the main reason for this post is to thank you, my readers, for your support and advice!  And for reading my blog at all!  I have no clue how many people read my blog.  But, when I started this blog, I honestly thought no one would ever see it or read it!  It was more of a diary for myself; a place to vent.  And several of you have either offered advice, support, or thoughts on what I post.  Thanks for reading! 

I'd say, "here's to 4 more years," but let's hope that none of you are reading this in 4 years and that I'm not writing it...because we'll all be paired up with great guys!!!  Right? 

Thanks again for reading! 

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day for singles...

A good friend of mine posted "An open letter to pastors (A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day)"
on FB yesterday, and I so agree with it.  My friend is an adoptive mother of two and I sincerely appreciated reading this. 

You may have read it before, but thought I'd share it here.  Obviously, I most relate to this one -
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

Like the author of the post, I hadn't thought about Mother's Day that way either, even though I've always wanted to be a mother.  But, looking back, I have felt alienated at church, when they speak about families more than the singles.  Or only acknoweldge familes, which makes singles feel forgotten. 

So, I was telling my mom about this yesterday.  Instead of having a bit of compassion, she said, "So, where does it stop?  Do we just stop honoring anyone, out of fear it might upset someone else?"

OK.  This is kind of hilarious, coming from my mom, someone who is SUPER SENSITIVE about everything.  Everything. 

I'm not saying she has to agree with it, but maybe she could TRY and see it through her daughter's eyes? 

Anyway, I think it's a great post and worth the read.  I'm all about honoring mothers, but I also think there are several people out there who aren't traditional mothers, but still mother plenty.  They may mother their friends, by counseling them through different situations.  They may mother their nieces and nephews by being a good role model and a trusted adult they can turn to and talk to about anything.  They may mother their parents by assisting them in various situations.

After all, is there an "Aunt's Day" or an "Uncle's Day?"  I'm certainly not saying I need to be celebrated, but since no one in my family does anything for me for my birthday (not even coming to visit/go to dinner), no one really shows appreciation for the time/money I spend on my nieces and nephews, and no one does much for me at Christmas - I guess I think maybe there SHOULD be a special day for aunts and uncles?  :-) 

Apparently, I'm just not focusing enough...

So, I went home for Mother's Day yesterday, to treat my mom to breakfast.  It was fine.  She's the mom who says she doesn't want you to make the drive, but would be secretly ticked off if you decided not to come...so I went. 

Anyway, we had a decent conversation, but it eventually veered toward the "I'm single" territory.  Ugh.  Anyway, I made an offhand comment about the fact that I'm probably not getting married.  Ya know...because it just doesn't seem like that's going to happen, based on the past 30 some odd years. 

So she says, "Why do you say that?  People get married all the time.  Why do you think you're not going to get married?"  Um.  Gee, Mom...because it hasn't happened yet?  I mean, in all seriousness, of course I still hope to meet someone and get married.  But, I also don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that it won't happen.  Ya know, based on my life thus far. 

And then the conversation delved a bit deeper about how she just wants me to be happy.  And I get that.  But I went ahead and told her that her and my brother's comments at Christmas (about how even though other people didn't have to work as hard to meet someone...I do and if I don't online date, what are my other options?) were pretty hurtful and frustrating to hear.  And how NONE of them have one clue what it's like to be a single adult outside of college or your early 20s. 

She then went into how my brother just cares about me and would feel terrible if he hurt my feelings.  Um, #1 - NO, he wouldn't.  And #2, I suspect he spends next to zero time worrying about me or whether I'm getting married or whatever.  Same goes for my other brother.

And THEN she starts talking about my focus.  And how I've always been such a focused person.  And how she hasn't really seen me be FOCUSED on meeting someone/dating.  She just hasn't seen that focus. 

First of all, my mom doesn't even live in the same city as me.  Second of all, we're not nearly as close as we used to be, so she has NO IDEA of some of the bad set-ups, weird situations, online dating mishaps I've been on/had.  Third of all, she was married/had kids in her very early 20s and had zero desire to remarry after divorce.  So, again, she has NO IDEA what this is like.  Not to mention, dating now is much different than in her day. 

So, I really don't appreciate hearing about how I'm not putting in enough focus/effort to meet someone.  And I, in a nice way, said that to her.  Basically, I explained that she has no idea how difficult it is and how I've been open to pretty much every situation, and they haven't worked out.  And that it's unfair to say that I'm not focusing enough. 

I think she heard me, but I also think she still thinks she's right.

Her Dr. Phil quote from Christmas was about Oprah's weight issues and how Oprah isn't the same as the other people who can eat whatever they want and not gain.  And she thought it pertained to my situation. 

Well, my rebuttal to that is this.  Your weight IS WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.  You can eat less, eat healthier, and exercise more.  And voila, you lose weight and get to your healthy size. 

Me meeting the guy I'm going to marry is not necessarily in my control.  I can go on EVERY SINGLE set-up via friends or online dating and be the most social person in the world - and give it my best to be attracted/interested in them.  If they aren't "the one," they aren't "the one."  I can't control that.  I can't control whether it's going to work out between us.  Unless we actually hit it off and have a future...and I do something stupid to mess it up.

I realize everything she said comes from a loving place, and that she just wants me to have what I want and be happy.  I get it.  But I also think we could think before we speak and maybe consider how many awkward/tough situations I've gone through on this dating journey.  And maybe be a bit more sensitive to that and not blame it on my lack of focus.   

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Online dating. You are still stupid.

Well, I ditched my Match subscription once it expired, as I encountered old guys, inappropriate guys, weird guys, or no guys.  Waste.  Of.  Money. 

So, I was reading my fellow blogger's post yesterday, which nudged me to renew with eHarmony - which I haven't been on in YEARS.  Like, I can't remember when I was last on that site.  (And I absolutely hated it when I was on it.)  But, at $28.65 for 3 months, I thought, "Hey, I'm going to give it a try.  Because, you know what they say.  Ya NEVER know." 

Well, folks.  Ya DO know.  Ya DO. 

I got everything updated, including new pics, age range, other profile updates, etc.  And then I clicked on "find matches."  Now, I had the distance set to 120 miles from my zip code, which I thought was pretty fair.  Do you know how many matches came up? 

None.

Zero.

Nada.

When I changed the distance to 300+ miles, that's when matches pulled up.  Um, who the FRICK is going to drive 300 miles to meet a total stranger?  Not this girl.  And no, that does NOT mean I don't want a relationship bad enough.  It means, the only time I drive 300+ miles is to see someone I really care about (friends/family) and know well or for a special event. 

Let's say I did travel 300 miles to meet Mr. Wonderful.  I ask you - how the frick would that relationship be able to develop?  I don't get it.  Maybe I'm being too rigid, but I just don't think that's very realistic.

I mean, my profile isn't that specific, as to what I am looking for.  Not to the point that there are literally no matches within 50 miles of me.  I mean, seriously. 

Also, most of the guys I've clicked on are 5'9" or shorter.  Ugh.

So, I'll stay with it for the 3 months, but I honestly feel beat up.  I keep being encouraged to pursue online dating or give it another try.  And now, with a very fragile heart, I'm doing it - and getting nowhere.  Very discouraging.  And there are no set-ups on the horizon, either.  Double ugh. 

Being single - living the dream! 

Monday, April 14, 2014

So. Awkward.

Well, you may or may not remember my ranty post back in November 2013.  That friend and I have not spoken much since before that post. 

Quick summary:  She emailed me around that same time, telling me she was pregnant, apologizing for not being a good friend, had made some bad choices...really wants me to still be her friend...blah, blah, blah.

Now, I did respond, in a pretty decent way.  I mean, one option was to not respond at all.  Another was to respond in a completely jerky way.  And I chose option #3, responding with honesty, but not letting her off the hook, either. 

I basically told her that I hoped she was doing ok and happy.  I told her that I was disappointed in her, because while she was complaining about her husband/marriage to me (a lot), I was very supportive and a good friend.  All the while, she was making really bad choices and being dishonest (or lies of omission) with me.  And that that was pretty hurtful, considering another friend had just done that to me, and she knew about that situation and how hurt I was.  I told her that I was really struggling right now and that her pregnancy/marriage news only made it worse (even though that's not her fault), but that I know she knows exactly how that feels.  And I asked her for time and space. 

To her credit, she did reply.  So, that was good.  And then time passed...and she sent me a birthday email and card.  I have not reached out to her because, in all honesty, I don't have the wherewithal to deal with that right now.  I just don't.  I don't have the capacity to be her friend and support her right now.  And I think that's ok.  When I was there for her, she was dishonest and only came clean with me when she knew I was going to find out.  It's a bit unfair to ask for my friendship now. 

Fast forward to this past weekend.  The part time job where we met was taking us out to eat.  She no longer works there, but her new husband is affiliated with our company.  I had NO IDEA she would be at this dinner until maybe 30 minutes before.  And yes, that sent me into a panic spiral.  Ugh.  Really wanted to get out of it.

Anyway, I go.  I figure, maybe she'll be at another end of the table and it won't be that bad.  And, I wasn't planning to make a scene...so if I needed to say hi to her, I would. 

I missed when she got there, but at one point, I did try to wave to her, just to make things not too awkward.  Not sure if she saw that or not. 

I got up to use the restroom (for real had to go...wasn't avoiding her).  On my way back, as I'm nearing our table, my manager grabs my hand and says, "Come here..."  And I was like, "What's happening?"  I look over and another manager has grabbed, let's call her "SM," and is bringing her toward me.  He then proceeds to put his arms aroaund each of us - IN FRONT OF OUR TABLE - and tell us, "You two didn't know this was going to happen tonight, but we did.  I love you two too much to not say something.  Life is too short.  You two are too good of friends to let something come between you.  I'm out of it after this, but you two are going to hug and move on from here."  There was a bunch of other stuff, too, but that is the basic idea of what was said. 

Yep, that happened.

I was SO stunned and angry, that I didn't know what to do or say.  Of course, SM was crying, as she always is.  I was too angry to cry.  So, it ended with us in a forced (and awkward) hug.  Then my manager stayed there making awkward chit chat with us, because it was a super awkward situation.  While the table of co-workers couldn't hear the discussion, it was obvious what was going on and super embarrassing.  Thank goodness our food came, which forced us back to the table - where I had no further discussion with SM.  As I sat down the manager's wife and another assistant manager said, "Everything ok?"  Um, no.  it's not.  I said, "Well, that was really uncomfortable."  Their response?  "It's all ok, it's fine."  Um, again, no.  It's not. 

Once I sat down, I had some tears and it was so frustrating to be sitting with a group of 15 people with tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I barely touched my food or said anything after that.  Got out of there as quickly as I could.

Still trying to figure out what their expectation is, now?  Do they think I'm going to text her and set up a time to get together?  Because I'm not.  Do they think I'm going to call her and apologize (for what, I'm not sure)?  Because I'm not.   
I'm still livid about the whole thing today and debating whether I'll send the managers a note about the various ways their "intervention" was inappropriate. 
  1. This girl no longer works for our company.  So, there is no professional communication between us.
  2. I have not told co-workers about our falling out.  So, there is nothing to make other employees uncomfortable about our situation.
  3. It should not have been done in public, in a restaurant, in front of fellow employees.  If it was absolutely necessary, they should have scheduled it with both of us and done it at the office, in private.  But again, this was personal, not professional. 
  4. They have NO IDEA what went on between SM and me.  None.  It's not their place to tell me to be ok with her and move on. 
  5. They have NO IDEA what I'm personally going through right now and how SM plays into that.
  6. She and I know the issue(s) between us and it is our decision whether we remain friends or not.
  7. Life IS too short, but it's also too short for me to stay friends with people who are NOT good friends to me. 
  8. We are ladies in our 30s; I'm pretty sure WE can figure out whether or not to be friends. 

Anyway, that happened and it's become near impossible for me to not think about it and want to scream!