Responsibility...

At what point do you have to just let someone who continuously behaves irresponsibly GO? 

Case in point.  There's a guy I work with who tends to drink more than he should when he goes out...and then proceeds to make the 45 minute drive home (he lives outside of the city). 

Now, you should know that we (his friends) have taken his keys, asked him to stop drinking/ordering drinks, offered a ride home, offered to drive his car, offered a place to crash, etc. - NUMEROUS times.

One time in particular...we were out to dinner and it was clear he should NOT drive home.  After what seemed like hours of convincing, we finally got his keys.  The plan was we would drive him to a location, and he would sleep there...then drive home in the morning.  He PROMISED us he would do this.  Well, we sent another friend to go back and see if he stayed.  He didn't.  As soon as we left him at the location, he got back in his car and drove home.

Now, there are a number of things that are bad about this.  He could get stopped by the police, and get an OWI...which would be bad on many levels, including his career.  He could get in an accident and hurt himself and/or others.  He could be killed.  Others could be killed.   

I think now is a good time for me to tell you how old this person is.  He is 30.  30.  30 years old.  I guess I would expect the above behavior from someone in their early 20s...but by 30, I would hope you would be a bit more responsible/cautious.

So, this past weekend, this guy, again, drank a bit too much.  Not crazy drunk, but probably shouldn't be driving home.  So, I guess the other guys had offered to give him a ride...and take his keys.  He told them he had to grab something from his car.  When they stepped outside, he had left. 

The guys came back in and were all worried.  Now, I'm not a horrible person.  I don't WANT anything bad to happen to him.  But I guess I also don't feel responsible for him.  If he drives home and gets stopped or in an accident, I'm not going to feel guilty.  Is that wrong?   

And they were trying to figure out how to track him down or call/text him.  Honestly?  I went ahead and left the restaurant.

If this guy is going to be so disrespectful to lie like this, I guess I'm not going to spend my time worrying about him.  Again, I feel like that makes me a bad person.  I don't care if he drinks, but pretty much everyone knows that you don't drive when you're plastered.

I guess I was kind of annoyed that everyone was trying to figure out how to chase him down, when ultimately, he made the choice to drink that much and get in his car - when he KNEW he had another option. 

End rant. 

Another dinner from hell...

So...it was another friend's birthday this past weekend, and she'd invited a group of us out to dinner.  I was hesitant to go, since I'm not feeling all that social right now, but she's one of the nicest people - so I couldn't refuse. 

Anyway, she told me my friend and his girlfriend were coming, in addition to some other co-workers of ours.  And then some other friends (whom I know) were coming. 

Well...I get there and immediately notice that it's ME and 3 other couples.  I absolutely HATE that.  I know they probably don't even notice/care, but it makes me acutely aware of my single-ness.  Ugh.  And then, the others show up...all couples.  Me and this other guy (whom I know and do not like that way, thankyouverymuch) were the ONLY single people there, among 12 people.

Side note:  my friend and his girlfriend - the PDA is unbearable.  And I say that without bias...as I'm just not a huge fan of PDA.  If I'm dating someone, of course I'm fine with holding hands or a peck.  It's the constant PDA that really gets me.  I look over and my friend's arm is around her, their fingers interlocked.  She went down to the bathroom and he asked if she wanted him to go with her.  She said no...and he still followed her down.  They were touchy feely the whole night.  I'm horrible, I know. 

Anyway... 

For starters, the girl next to me.  OMG.  She's fine, but not the most fun to talk to.  She's a bit of a bragger.  And also...can't stop talking.  Even if I had wanted to talk to anyone else at the table, I couldn't have.  Because she was constantly blabbing in my ear for the duration of the evening.  I even had my phone out, sort of purposely being a little rude...and that didn't stop her.  And the stuff she was blabbing about?  Not anything remotely interesting.  At.  All. 

So, I did make some effort to talk with others at the table.  But, I do think things with my friend are officially weird.  He had texted me "looking forward to catching up with you," and yet, we hardly spoke 2 words the entire night.  In fact, I was the one who said good night.  So, that pretty much sucks. 

To make matters worse, somehow, my single-ness became a topic of conversation/center of attention.  I promise you, I didn't say a WORD about it.  Duh.  WHY would I want to discuss that in a large group of people - none of whom I'm particularly close to?  And why didn't they talk about the other single's single-ness?  Argh! 

So, at one point, someone said, "It'll happen for you...it happened for me at 49!"  Um, is that supposed to cheer me up?  Because that just made me sad.  Like, really sad.  (And she was married twice before this guy)  One of the other girls started talking about this guy at her gym and how I should stop by and check him out.  OK, I don't belong to her gym...so, I'm supposed to stop by?  And what do I do once I'm there?  Seriously.  Then her husband pulls up one of his employees on FB, to show me a pic.  And they start asking me about him. 

OMG. So. Uncomfortable.

At this point, we were still waiting for our food.  It took forever!  My salad finally arrives and I start eating...it's after 9pm at this point.  Well, part way through, I notice a rubber band in my salad.  Now, I'm not a snob, but I do think restaurants should probably check what they're sending out.  I mean, it was pretty obvious.  So, the waiter took it back and brought me another one.  It's now 9:35...and I really don't care about eating.  So, I box it up to go.  I was still charged for the salad.  Everyone thought that it should have been comped...and I agree.  Whatever.  Annoying. 

Things wind down and we all head downstairs to leave.  Like I said, I had to say, "Goodbye A, N, and P."  And I think my friend said bye, but there was no other conversation.  And we used to text NON-STOP, talk on the phone, run together, etc.  So, that is weird. 

I left in a pretty crappy mood and kind of wanted to scream when I got in my car.  Instead, I ate a Cadbury Egg when I got home.  I'm sure that resolved something, right? 

   

The hits just keep on comin'...

So...I had what I would call a horrible night last week.  And if I had to live through it, you, dear blog readers, have to hear about it.  :-) 

I worked all day at my job...then headed to my side job, which is usually a pretty easy thing.  But, we were super busy that night.  And it got to the point, where I was so cranky, I had zero desire to do anything but go home. 

Not so fast.  I had already committed to going to a dinner (related to this side job), right after we closed.  So...I rode along with a few friends...in the worst mood, wishing I wasn't going. 

Remember my friend?  People kept saying we should date?  Now, me, I definitely enjoy him and his friendship, but I had definite concerns about the age gap, his religious beliefs, his current career (still in school), etc.  So, I didn't really have my heart set on anything happening there.

Well, he was set up on a blind date recently...and guess what?  Things are working out perfectly.  All lovey dovey, unicorns, and rainbows.

I'm happy for him, I am.  But, when I'm being bomarded (feels that way) with pregnancy news, engagements, and now his new relationship - it's a bit much.

Anyway, about 2 seconds before going into the restaurant, I find out that he's bringing his new girlfriend, whom I've never met.  Oh, great.  Awesome.  (He confirmed to me that he was coming, but never mentioned he was bringing her - which irritates me a bit.) 

So, I'm in a horrible mood, definitely down on life, and now I have to deal with this?  Really? 

And...when we sat down, I had to sit across from him and his girlfriend.  Let's just say they are very touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, affectionate, PDA, etc.  Whoa. 

She is very friendly and outgoing, and I'm sure I will like her.  But in that moment, it was all too much to deal with.  I tried my best.

Let me insert here that I'm not upset that he's now dating someone - in the sense that I wish it were me.  I don't.  But...he dated a girl from high school, through most of his college years.  Then he was single...and he gets set up on ONE FRICKING BLIND DATE...and it's working out?  Do you know how many horrible setups I've been on?  TONS.  And how many have worked out?  ZERO.  And I'm 10 years older than he is.  I guess it feels a bit unfair to me. 

So, his girlfriend stepped away from our table for a bit and he asked how I was doing.  He's aware I'm going through some stuff right now.  So, I told him I was pretty much the same.  And his response was sort of a flippant, "I don't know what to say to you."  OMG.  I'm aware!  I'm aware you have NO CLUE what I'm going through right now.  You telling me that you don't know what to say only makes it worse.  Please don't say that.  So, I said, "I know you don't what to say..."  And he said, "What do you want me to say?"  OMG.  "Well, I don't want you to say anything." 

First of all, he KNOWS I'm going through something, so is that moment, at a dinner table with a group of people (many of whom I don't know), the best time to ask how I'm doing?  Secondly, he knows that I know he can't relate...so constantly saying, "I don't know what to say," is just horrible.  Just say, "I'm sorry you're going through this."  That's enough. 

So, I started tearing up at the table, and had to use a Kleenex to dab my eyes.  Ugh.  At one point, I excused myself to the bathroom...just to escape! 

I forgot to mention that my dinner was supposed to be paid for by the employer (drinks were on us).  So, the waitress brings me my bill and it's for the whole thing.  Great.  I've now spent $40 for this craptastic evening.  Awesome. 

My friend and his girlfriend had stepped out near the bar after dinner.  So, the owner calls my name, wanting to talk to me.  And she says, very excitedly, "So?  What did you think?"  And I was caught off guard.  "Of what?"  "Of his girlfriend?  Isn't she great?  I really like her!  I'm so happy for him!"  At this point, another female co-worker comes on the other side of me...and starts talking about them, too.  So, I'm now trapped between both of them, going ON and ON about the happy couple.  And then the owner proceeds to tell us how she was at a restaurant the week before, and saw them making out at their table...

Kill me.  Now. 

The night continued to drag on, and, eventually, we left...I was home just before 11pm.  Ugh. 

*The owner realized their mistake the next day and is going to reimburse me (and others) for their meals.  So, that's good.  Silver lining?  

Single mom? No.

I was talking to a close friend the other night, who knows me inside and out.  And I was saying that the suck of my current situation is that I can't really change it and MAKE things happen.

She said, "Well, you could have a baby!" 

Just like that.  Like, it's the easiest thing on the planet.  Just do that.  Go have a baby. 

OH wait...  I'd have to file paperwork to adopt...come up with the money to adopt...get approved to adopt...  OR I could get artificially inseminated...come up with the money for that...pick a donor...

And once I have the baby (adopted or insemination), apparently it'll be easy to raise him/her on my own, without a spouse. 

OK.

I'm sure you sensed my sarcasm there. 

I've talked about my thoughts on this before.

I have zero desire to be a single mom.  I won't even get a dog, because I know I can't take care of it myself - I need to know someone else can help. 

I guess it really frustrates me that people act like it's the easiest thing to do - just adopt or make a baby.  I'm sorry, but it's NOT that simple!  And I'm not going to go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt, on my own, to have a baby to raise, on my own!  That just isn't appealing!

Not to mention that if I have a baby on my own, that will be a permanent reminder to me that I had to do it on my own...because I couldn't fricking meet someone to have a baby with.  Ugh.   

OK, I'm done shouting.  Just needed to get that off my chest.  Thank you. 

The height dilemma...

So, a friend mentioned to me last night that she met a potential guy for me.  I asked her about him...and then she drops this fact.  He's 5'7"! 

OK, sorry, but I am far taller than that.  And yes, I do have a thing about not dating short guys.  Notice I didn't say shorter guys, I said short guys.  I've gone out with/dated guys who were either my height or slightly shorter.  And while that isn't my preference, I can deal with it.  But 5'7"?  Seriously, I would look like a giant. 

And that is my own insecurity, I admit it.  I absolutely hated being tall as a kid, always taller than all the boys and most of the girls.  I certainly don't need to date/marry someone who will inadvertently remind me of that EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Again, not the guy's fault that he's short, but it's not really my fault that I'm tall.

After some discussion, my friend (who has no idea of the funk I'm in right now) says, "Well, that's good.  That means that you are OK with being single/not having kids, rather than dating someone shorter than you."  I don't know why, but that SO rubbed me the wrong way.  I think her intention was that it was a positive thing, but it just made me feel like crap. 

I mean, I feel like her argument is in some way stating that only short guys are left, and since I'm unwilling to date them, I must be ok with being single/childless.  Yes, I'm taking it to a bit of an extreme, I know.  But it just hit me that way. 

Another friend who was there ended up rephrasing it in a way that made me feel less like crap.  She posed it as, "You wouldn't date an alcoholic, right?"  And this is true.  No way would I date an alcoholic.  So, it made more sense to me then.

I think I took it so personally because I've been judged so many times for the height thing.  But ya know what?  If you're a short/average height woman, I bet a guy's height doesn't even occur to you.  Because most guys are probably taller than you already!  If you're a tall woman, guys are either intimidated by your height, they want someone petite/tiny, or they are turned on by your height - because they're a short guy. 

I also took it hard because of how she phrased it - "you're ok with being single/not having kids."  I mean, seriously?  I feel like that's a bit too broad of a statement.  That couldn't be farther from the truth - since I want both of those things so badly. 

The thing is...you know what you are/aren't attracted to.  I can say with 100% certainty that I've never seen a short guy and been attracted to him.  Seriously.  Slightly shorter than me, yes, I've found them attractive.  But even then, it was hard for me to get past the fact that they weren't taller than me.  But, a guy who is significantly shorter than me?  The chances of me being attracted to him are slim.  That's just the way it is.

Anyway, it was just frustrating, considering the way I'm feeling right now.   

         

Independence...

Here's a positive - I paid off my student loans last week! 

This is huge.  Because, my parents did not provide any assistance to me for college.  Nada.  Zip.  Nothing.  Nyet. 

I worked my a$$ off in high school to get good grades and be "well rounded" so that I'd qualify for any and every scholarship possible.  I then applied/auditioned for those scholarships/grants and got as many as I could.

I also worked throughout the school year/summer, to earn spending money for while I was in school.  This includes buying my own books/materials.   

Now, I'm not saying I expected my parents to put me through college.  I guess I expected that they would have maybe done SOMEthing to assist, though?  (I didn't really expect that, based on my upbringing and the lack of financial smarty-ness going on.) 

But, when you're surrounded by friends whose parents were either paying for their entire college education or a large portion of it, it's a little frustrating to be 18 and figuring it out on your own. 

I overloaded my schedule in college, so I could graduate within a somewhat normal timeframe.  I also did work study - 2 jobs - and probably worked a total of 20-25 hours a week.  And I was super involved in on campus activities.  (I was one of those kids who ran out of workstudy money and had to apply for more.) 

So, I was basically stressed all the time - and completely swamped.

My reward for all of that?  I got to pay back all the money I borrowed - with zero help from my parents!  YAY!  WOOHOO! 

So, at 22, single, I got to start making nearly $300/month payments on my loans.  Awesome. 

During the repayment, I was out of work twice, so I had to put them on hold.  And I still managed to pay them off in 13 years.  By myself. 

I keep stressing the "by myself" part, because most of my friends either had help from their parents or their spouse's additional salary.  They have NO IDEA what it's like to have to do this on your own.   

So, while I wouldn't choose having to do it this way.  I did have to do it this way.  And, hopefully, in some way, it will prepare me for something in life. 

Most importantly, it feels good to know they're DONE!  And that I can now save/spend that money as I see fit. 

By the way, no judgment on those who had their education paid for...but I do think there's a different appreciation when you foot the bill yourself.  My friends have no idea the work/stress I went through, because they didn't have to do it themselves.       

I survived...

So...the friend who announced she was pregnant with #3 last week?  I already had plans with her (and her family) and a couple other married friends, for the weekend.  It included 3 couples, their kids, one other single gal (whom I know) and myself.  (We roomed together.)   

Do you know how badly I wanted to opt out of those plans?  I mean, I just had zero desire to go.  Wallowing in my own home sounded much more appealing. 

Now, yes, I could have cancelled.  But, I'm 99% sure my friend would have known that I was cancelling due to her announcement.  And I would feel pretty bad about that. 

So, yes, I was a bit of a martyr and went anyway.  My goal was to spend as much time with the kids as possible, and avoid any "OMG, you're pregnant!" conversations around my friend...of which there were many.

I had as much fun as I could have...considering the circumstances.  I did my best to put on a happy face.  And I did ask about her pregnancy, but not very much.  And, hopefully, I didn't avoid my friend (because I do love her to pieces), but I don't think I hung around her as much as I normally would have. 

We all ate dinner in one of the hotel rooms and that was fine. 

However, when I went to sleep in my own room...I found out that my roommate is a snorer.  Like, major snoring.  And the kids had decided to sleep in our room as well (which was fine).  Her snoring kept me up for most of the night, when all I wanted to do was fricking sleep. 

My friend (the pregnant one) texted me saying I could sleep in their room, if the snoring was keeping me up.  Our rooms were adjoining, and SHE could hear the snoring in their room!  So, I moved over to the open bed in their room and tried to get some sleep.
I'd say I maybe got 3 hours sleep? 

In short, I think I paid about $80 to listen to snoring and then not even sleep in the room I paid for.  Sounds about right...

Once we woke up in the morning, my friend started asking me about online dating, if I'd ever done it.  And then was asking about my church, if they had a singles program.

Now, this girl is a seriously good friend.  And I know she's being completely honest when she says it keeps her up at night wondering why I'm still single.

However, the LAST thing I want to discuss first thing in the morning, after getting 3 hours sleep, and being in a horribly depressed mood - is my dating (or lack thereof) life. 

Conversation eventually moved to her pregnancy and I casually excused myself to put my contacts in, change, go to the bathroom...  Eventually, I was all packed up and ready to hit the road.  I was trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

Everyone else hung around to go the park (part of the hotel)...while I got on the road. 

I've teared up several times in the last week - which has been the suck. 

And I'm still in the rut today.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't particularly want to see anyone.  And yet...I'm at work. 

A younger, male friend of mine...could tell (via text) that I wasn't in a great mood.  And when I told him why, he said, "Not sure what to say, really." 

Now, that's fine.  I don't expect him to have some magical answer.  But, for some reason, saying, "Not sure what to say, really," just sort of rubs me the wrong way.   

Keep in mind...he was recently set up on a blind date and it's all working out - rainbows and unicorns. 

How many blind dates have I been set up on?  Millions.  How many have worked out?  None.  Boo.  (Not begrudging him this new development...just frustrating that it doesn't work out for me.) 

Anyway, I'm still here.  Still feeling the suck of all of this.  And wishing I could crawl into a hole.