Recently, I was made aware that someone in a local club I belong to, is interested in dating me. He's over 10 years older than me and has a daughter. I don't know him well, we've only had a few casual conversations. But, I'm also not sure that I've ever looked at him like that.
I will be frank with you, the questions/concerns that pop into my mind when I think of him are:
- Ooh, he's in his forties.
- Ooh, he's got a kid (and would he want more kids?)
- Ooh, he's shorter than me.
I know, I know. I can hear all of you yelling at me, through the computer. But hey, at least I'm admitting it, right?
Here's the thing. I think we all go through stages of what we're looking for. When I was in my 20s, I wanted someone who'd never been married. Fast forward to 33, and that's not so important anymore. I just assume they've already been married and divorced. So, I could probably get over the age thing.
I've also always wanted to have my "own" family with whomever I marry. This means that I am not really looking to be a stepmother. It does not mean that I judge someone who already has children. It just means, that it does complicate things.
My dad has been married multiple times, so I've had a few stepmothers (he's still with the latest one). The thing is, being a step-parent is a bit of a no-win situation. You will never be the child's mother...and you may always be seen as a threat. The potential up side is that you could have a great relationship with each other.
I guess, coming from a broken home, I've always just wanted to have "my" family. Is that bad? Does that sound absolutely horrible?
The other issue is whether or not this guy in his forties would really want to start having more kids? I would totally understand NOT wanting more, if I already have one headed toward middle school. Again, I'm not even dating him, so I realize these are crazy thoughts.
And my last thought, about him being shorter. Well, that's just standard. When you're 5'11", you can't help but notice that. Again, I've relaxed a bit on that one...provided I'm actually attracted the guy in other ways. (While I do think he's a nice guy, I don't think I find him attractive, but again...haven't thought of him in that way.)
So...to wrap all of this up. I'm being asked if I'd consider going out with this guy. But, I've got all these stepmother concerns and what not, so I'm wondering what you, my readers think. Feel free to judge me!
I know it doesn't hurt to just go out with him...but I don't want to create an awkward situation either.
Nutty little dilema you've got there. I've often been accused of judging too harshly/critically before even giving a guy a chance, but being as this one is part of a group that you belong to, I understand the not wanting to make things awkward. As harsh as it sounds, aside from the 3 things that you listed, if you're not attracted to him, then I don't think the other things even matter, do they? If you were attracted to him, then I would probably say that it couldn't hurt to give him a chance, but trying to talk yourself into being attracted to another is akin to the whole 'trying to fit a square peg into a round hole' I think. No clue if my rambling just offered any sort of advice, but it's nice to know that there's someone out there that thinks you're pretty great, right?
ReplyDelete(oh, and I'm 5'10", so I feel your pain on the height issue)
This makes me think of the time when I was 28 and a guy, who was a friend of a friend, liked me. I met him at our friend's party and he asked me out and I said yes. He was older, bald, and two inches shorter than me, but I liked his charisma and thought he was kind of cute. I found out on the date that he was divorced and had an 8 year old son. I had the same thoughts go through my head. After two and a half months, he broke up with me because I think he could tell that I was being kind of weird (because of these thoughts!!) and I have kind of had regrets ever since. He really was a *great* guy.
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight, I wish I would have actually asked him if he had wanted more kids, instead of being weird.
Can it really hurt to go out with him, if you find him attractive??
@ellensguidetobadinternetdating - Thanks for your comment. I am sure I've been accused for judging too harshly as well. I actually agree with you. If I had ever had an attraction to him, those thoughts wouldn't have immediately jumped to mind! And yes, it's nice to know that who I am is attracting SOMEone. :-)
ReplyDelete@agirlinsearch - Thank you, too! It's such a relieft to "meet" fellow bloggers having the same thoughts as me. In this case, I'd feel bad going out with him, or opening that can of worms, when I don't have the same feelings he does. We'll have to see if anything more comes up.