Reflections of a single girl...

Every once in a while, I take a moment and think about why I'm single.  I sometimes worry it's because of the dad I had (not fantastic).  I sometimes worry it's because I'm scared of a relationship (even though I want it).  Or I worry that I'm just no good at it. 

So, I dig back through the recesses of my mind and go through the various situations I've been involved with.  Granted, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships, but I've dated and been on many blind dates (most of them awful). 

Let's start with high school and college.  I can easily peg this one.  I was way too busy to have a boyfriend.  Oh, I wanted a boyfriend, but I can see why I wasn't approached.  I was involved in everything and busy all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I was a friendly gal, but I'm pretty sure the volume of stuff I was involved with might have been intimidating.  Add to that that I didn't truly have time to date someone...and you get your answer.  And I'm fine with that.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Now, sadly, my first real boyfriend came in my early 20s.  He was a co-worker at my summer job.  I had a HUGE crush on him instantly.  Because he was HOT!  And he was super nice and easy to talk to.  He was a couple years younger than me, too.  Anyway, as the days passed, I decided that I wanted to date him bad enough that I would ask him out.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a big deal.  I never ask guys out and the thought pretty much makes me want to vomit.  But, I really wanted to date this guy.  So, I eventually asked him out and he said yes.  We dated for probably 2 months after that.  And it was pretty smooth sailing.  We had fun.  I had some nerves, but they were the fun kind of nerves.  The kind where you are hoping he's going to call you to go out again.  And you're hoping you get to see him soon.  We even went to a friend of mine's wedding together!  He even called me "honey," which totally caught me off guard.

Another shocker, I could tell he was nervous to kiss me, but I was dying for him to do it.  So, when he dropped me off one night, I kissed him on the cheek - opening the door for him to kiss me on our next date.  And he did.   

The breakup was sort of a non-breakup.  He was supposed to meet me at my house to go to something.  Now, it was a family thing...and I was very clear that I'd love for him to come, but that I would totally understand if it was a little too much, too soon.  He committed to coming.  Well, my mom and I were ready to go and he wasn't at the house.  Ever.  When I called, his roommate said he was taking a nap.  Anyway, we eventually talked about it and I said, "If you didn't want to come, you could have just told me you didn't want to come.  Not a big deal."  And I would NOT have broken up with someone over that, seriously.  However, we sort of just faded out after that...     

I'm certainly not going to say that I made zero mistakes in that relationship, but overall, I think I was a pretty good girlfriend.  I was easy breezy, didn't hound him non-stop, or get upset about too many things.  It was easy.  And I'm sure he and I weren't meant to be.  That relationship's purpose may have been just to have a little fun over the summer - and I'm fine with that. 

But, what I took from that is that I'm capable of being IN a relationship and not being scared, nervous, or uncomfortable all the time.  It was natural.  And, by no means do I carry a torch for this guy, but I haven't really had that feeling since then.  There have been feelings close to it, but not quite.  Usually, I'm worried that the guy is going to kiss me (meaning I really don't want to kiss him). 

There was another guy, from college, who I sort of reconnected with a few years later.  I always thought he was a good guy...and very attractive.  Anyway, I emailed him and it started some back and forth.  His emails were so sweet that ALL of my friends were sure this guy was into me.  I mean, there was no misinterpreting it.  I even visited him (lives a few hours from me) when I was in town.  After a lot of emailing about whatever...NOTHING ever happened.  And that's fine.  But again, the point is that I initiated it and made the effort.  I didn't hide out and not do anything. 

Between post college and now, there have been A LOT of blind dates/setups.  And I'd say 95% were bad.  This will not surprise most of my readers, since some of you write blogs completely dedicated to the crapfest that is online dating/blind dating.

Let me also say, that it's entirely possible that I'm some other guy's "horrible blind date" story.  I'm ok with that.  Although, it's doubtful my behavior compares to what I've witnessed. 

I've had guys ask me how old I am 5 minutes into the date.  I've had guys tell me they can dance like Usher.  I've had guys brag about how they speed on the highway in their patrol car late at night.  I've had guys want to show me how they like to take their car and spin it around on the ice during the winter.  I've had guys take me to an old folks' breakfast place, for DINNER.  I've had guys not speak more than 10 words - the entire date.  I've had guys ask me out/plan a second date while we're still on our first date.  I've had guys talk about their horrible money problems - on the first date.   

And let me say, I'm very accommodating.  Even when I'm having a horrible time and I know it's not going to go any further, I'm still friendly and engaging while on the date.  This is good and bad.  It's good because I think it's the polite thing to do.  It's bad because it gives the guy the impression that you also had fun and that you'll go out with him again.  Then I'm put in the awkward position of turning the guy down when he asks for a second date.  Ugh.  So.  Awkward.

Again, not saying that I'm perfect or too good for any of these guys.  But, what I am saying is that most of my friends are shocked by the date stories I have.  None of them woud go out with these guys again, either.  So, I know I'm not crazy or "too picky."

So, when I put all of that together, I guess I feel like it's not necessarily my issue, but just an issue of me and whoever my guy is not having met yet.  Because, it's clear that I'm capable of initiating a relationship/date and keeping it.  It's clear I'm open to dates, because I've continued to go on one horrible blind date after the other. 

In a way, it puts my mind at ease.  In another way, it pi$$es me off that other people have found their mate and I haven't!